Power Rankings: Week 11

For this week’s installment, I present he of notorious head size, Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon:

Without further adieu.

This week's power rankings are different. Not different like the retard strength of Chris Thomas.  Different like Bert Fong's Penis.  Whatever that means.  

As a Vancouver Canucks fan (fuck you Cook) I enjoy reading a blog titled "The Provies".  There is no better post game entertainment than secretly reading this blog while receiving a "good night" blow job from your wife.  If you're not familiar with the Provies I encourage you to click the link below and have a read.  Be sure to focus on "BEST ANSWER" and note who won.  I know it's not a Boys' Co Billboard, but I feel I'm on way to celebrity status.

The Provies: Hats, Corsi wars and why the Devils get a big laugh at the Canucks expense | The Province

This week's rankings will have a little Provies flavor added to it.  More because I'd rather rip off someone else's work than take the time to create something myself.  Plus, I truly enjoy our WhatsApp group discussion and figure this was a great way to capture some highlights.

Pour yourself a drink Gents (mine is in my Anze Cup) and enjoy this week’s Power Rankings:  Provies Edition.

1. Anzoolander (2)

BEST INJURY

This team is a beast and will be for years to come.  Have you ever given thought to what will happen when Toews and/or Stamkos wake up?  What about when Price returns?  This is the best team in GPY and we we've yet to see its best.

2. Texans (1)

BEST TEAM?

Before tonight I agreed with most other GM's about this teams #1 ranking.  Loved this team going into the season and still love it now.  However a 9-4 pounding at the hands of 14th ranked Pistol's Hellcats cannot be ignored.

3. Lokomotiv (3)

BEST COMPARISON

At the start of the season I did not no what to think of this team. After week nine I'm now having nightmares about it.  Hopefully GM Cole Ballard breaks tradition and doesn't fuck things up by adding 3rd line Capitals players at the trade deadline. 

4. Philosopher King (5)

BEST STAT

This was suppose to be a rebuild year for GM Luke Mackinnon.  Have a look at his roster.  Looks more like a retool for complete dominance.

5. Hatrick Swayze (4)

BEST ANALOGY

I was in tears when I first read this.  Very creative, witty and a true zinger (Toots 1 - Pistol 0).  It's too bad Hatrick Swyaze's GM Tood Toothill's creativity ends here. This line-up has talent and potential.  Perhaps Toots should focus on improving his starting line-up rather than masturbating to the final scene of Dirty Dancing.

6. Kane and she was Able (6)

BEST RAPIST

This team will go as far as Patrick Kane's lawyer will take them.  This team is 6-2-2 through the first 10 weeks and is patiently waiting to rape again.

7. Everett Silvertips (8)

BEST HAVE ANOTHER DRINK

The season this team is having should not surprise anyone. Just watch GM Court Watson's golf swing and then immediately look at his scorecard.  Million dollar swing, ten cent head.  This team is loaded with talent but it's GM doesn't have the mental capacity to do anything with it.

8. Jesse Loves Paymon (9)

BEST WTF

Ok I realize JLP got steam rolled two weeks ago and lost again this week.  But I cannot comprehend how this team posted 4-0 record the previous four weeks yet fell from fifth to ninth in the power rankings.  Eighth place is where this team should be ranked.  My prediction is it'll finish the season here.

9. Me So Vyborny (11)

BEST SHIT KICKING

14-0 this week vs Kanucks!  Ok not the strongest opponent but I'm not sure this league has seen 14-0 before.  Don't let this go to your head Matt.  You have ONE player ranked in the top 30 and your best goalie is Steve Mason.  Steve Mason.  

10. Super Sperm (7)

BEST RUMOR

For those who don't know Jesse's daughter was due Dec 15th.  In typical female routine she's late.  Yes Jesse I just chirped your unborn daughter.  Relax.  Pistol will do much worse once she's born.  You should hear what Pistol's said about Schauble's twins!  Remember that I don't start rumors, I just spread them.

11.  Connor McSaviours (12)

BEST I'M THIRSTY

I can't even name a player on this team.  So instead of looking up this teams roster, I'm going to pour myself another beverage.

12. Kanucks (10)

BEST NEGOTIATOR

I often question the commitment level of Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen to our league.  However Dave's trade negotiations for Mats Zucarello has me thinking otherwise.  Dave was working the phones hard with multiple teams including JLP and Anzoolander.  Dave was able to get the Everett Silvertips to up its offer and before we knew it Zucarello was traded.  While preparing to interview Tips GM Court Watson to get his thoughts on the trade, Court sent me this text… 

I accepted the bet.

13. Chingchong BingBongs (13)

BEST ANSWER

The future is a scary place. 

14. Pistol's Hellcats (14)

BEST PHOTO

Editor’s Note: Or this:

I agree with Toots.  Change your team photo Pistol.  Now you all have something to secretly look at while receiving your "good night" blow job this evening.  You're welcome.

Power Rankings: Week 9

Foreword (as written by Leonardo DiCaprio):

To preface this week’s rankings is a bit intimidating, to be honest. The world of fantasy sports is intriguing to say the least, but how does a grown man find the time to commit fully to the “sport”?

I wasn’t shocked to hear that Todd was valued high on the North American fantasy sports ranking chart, not in the slightest. I first met him in Las Vegas, oh, back in 2001 I believe. I was still trying to find my way as an actor, lost you could say. Both in the emotional state of where I was at in my career, and also in the physical state, as I was in the MGM Grand hotel, and shit that place is a fucking maze. Add in a couple of double vodka crans and I might as well have been Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Lost, cold (from the ecstasy), and confused.

And that’s where I first met him. He was holding court (not you Watson, you plug; http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/hold-court) at the craps table, 14 or 15 women surrounding him, enthralled with his every movement. And these were beautiful women, tall, buxom, not a shred of body fat except for their gigantic cans. And they hung on his every word, and had drew quite a crowd around him. Me being somewhat of a famous person at this point, would generally not think twice about introducing myself to anyone I deemed interesting to meet, yet with him I have to be honest it took a few minutes. Not because he seemed intimidating, but rather here I was, the star of Titanic, and these girls haven’t noticed I’m even standing next to him

We chatted for a few hours, it was intoxicating. Not so much the words he spewed but the impact of his delivery. I often joke with him that everything I learned about women I learned that night, but he’s too humble to let me tell it like that. So I will say that I’m forever indebted to him with respect to the success I’ve had with thousands of women. He’s a special man.

Leo

And with that, on to this week’s rankings!

1. Texans (1) –

Solid lineup top to bottom for this redneck GM. Hey look there’s a bird, let’s shoot it! While goaltending has been solid to this point (Jersey…really??), a Dubnyk injury is sure to slow this team down. Hey look, a cute deer, let’s shoot it! Giordano could be the bust of the year so far, but then again, who picks Flames players. Just downright awful. Hey let’s shoot that Gorilla! Oh wait, that’s my brother in law.

2. Anzoolander (3) – One bad week does not make a team. And there is way too much star power on this squad to slide any further in the rankings. Probably more to do with how awful all the other teams are then how good this one is. Unfortunately for this ape, deciding who’s going to start from week to week (Andersen or Gibson) will turn any man crazy, not to mention a Silverback!! Am I right!!?? This GM is so ugly it makes me cry. Have you ever seen him tinker with his lineup….it’s depressing:

3. Lokomotiv (4) – Goaltending wins championships. And if this team goes deep, it’ll be goaltending that got him there. Two rock solid teams to hitch your proverbial goaltending star to in Chicago and Long Island (Editor’s note:  Brooklyn). The old dogs of Zetterberg and Vanek will carry this team to the post season, but unfortunately it is at that moment that Darling gets the starts, and Halak will be injured. So close, you suck.

4.  Hatrick Swayze (7) – I know what you’re thinking, “Hey he can’t do that! He can’t rank himself 4^th because it’s his team, that’s biased!”. First off, yes I can. And B, shut up loser. Crosby, check. Quick, check. This team looks back on track, and after handing the former 1^st place team (Editor’s note: in record only) a huge beat down last week, look for this team to really make moves. Good on you, handsome.

5. Philosopher King (2) – Could potentially be ranked higher on this list, if it wasn’t for his stupid team name. Their music sucked. The movie sucked. You suck. A good mix of old and young talent, this season will inevitably come down to Martin Jones. You heard me correctly, Martin. Jones. Yeah, see you at the bottom.

6. Kane and She Was Abel (6) – Will the real Jake Voracek please stand up, please stand up, please stand up. Bust of the year candidate Voracek has a whopping one goal this year. A third of the way into the year, and you’ve got to think he breaks out of his funk. If not, this team is doomed for the basement, where Patrick Kane keeps the rape kit.

7. Super Sperm (5) – As solid of a D core you’ll find in this league, it’s too bad you can only start 4 of them (Editor’s note: you can start up to six). Another good mix of age and youth should see this team bounce up the standings once again. But Ryan Miller….yikes. It’s tough times ahead bro. A move or two to solidify a 2^nd top tier goalie and this team could really be something. But probably not.

8. Everett Silvertips (11) – How are you so bad? You have studs. Can’t you just land on a goalie and stick with it. This team has nowhere to go but up. Really, you should stick to beating women at virtual Wii Soccer.

9. Jesse Loves Paymon (9) – Mister average. I’m sure you’ll be ranked 9^th for the rest of the season. Way to go!

10. Kanucks (10) – If I could spear this team in the nuts, I would. And the fine would be money well spent. You have two back up goalies. Not backing you up, but actually starting for you. And that makes me sad.

11. Me So Vyborny (12) – Lots of good young talent, this team could make a name for itself in the future. But not this year. And not next year. Or the year after. In fact, I retract that. This team stinks.

12. Connor McSaviours (13)– Edmonton is in last place. Again. Which is where this oiler-humping GM should be. But he’s not because….well, look below him.

13. ChingChong BingBongs (14) – This is why. This is why Connor McShithead is not last place. Because of this dink.

14. Pistol’s Hellcats (8) – The 14^th ranking for this team is directly related to this team’s profile picture. Every week moving forward, this team will be ranked dead last until Pete changes his team’s profile picture to this:

Editors note:  Or this:

Well done Todd, great first effort.  JM.

Power Rankings: Week 8

Before I thank Henry Kissinger, and before delivering my modest message, I feel obliged to alert college students, progressive academics and all other deeply sensitive souls that these words may contain phrases and ideas that challenge your prejudices. In other words, I formally declare this room an “unsafe space.”

Hello all, as we progress into the middle of the season, we enter the maybe phase.  Maybe Dylan Larkin can shoot an an absurdly high unsustainable percentage for an entire season?  Maybe Crosby has basically hit a metaphorical wall in his career and will never be better?  Maybe Steven Stamkos will never truly be elite, just good?  Maybe John Gibson is the starter going forward?  Maybe Carey Price should just have the surgery?

Maybes cause managers to do “interesting” things.  And by interesting, I mean stupid.  Example include:  Trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers In the Cage), trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers in the Cage), Trading for Jonas Hiller, the Ondrej Pavelec of last season when Ondrej Pavelec was overperforming (2014 – Flowers in the Cage).  All teachable, laughable moments.  You can’t blame a guy for trying, until after he has failed.  Then you point and laugh.

Anyway.

1.  Texans (4) –Wwhen a damn fine team loses to another damn fine team, the damn fine team that won is the best team in the league.  That is this team.  Healthy and getting a little help from unexpected places (the ghost!) when others drop off (Giordano).  Goaltenders are finding their groove, this team is legit.

2.  Philosopher Kings (3) – A damn fine team as well, but not as consistent or as deep as the Texans.  Look for Martin Jones to falter a crucial time, it is feast or famine with that guy.  No other goalie on this team plays enough or is actually that good at hockey.  Tarasenko hurt with McDavid already out could also slow this team.

It is not a coincidence the two guys who work together and spend all day talking fantasy hockey are at the top.  Seriously, does anyone know what these guys actually do for work?

3.  Anzoolander (1) – The injury to Carey Price is going to drag on.  While no surgery will bring him back sooner, we all saw how that went the last time.  There are so many times you can have a used condom as your last line of defense (from personal experience, I would say four times), and this one is clearly about to break.  Also, when a goalie goes on the IR because of the flu, that isn’t the flu, that is Ebola.  Sucks that he has basically lost his starting job during the time.

4.  Lokomotiv 2138 (2) – This team lost to the team with the worst record in the league last week, but in fairness, that team did score the second most points in the league.  That came out of nowhere.  This is probably one of the  best chances of any season that GM Cole Ballard has had to win the Anze Cup, but one wonders when Tomas Plekanec, Thomas Vanek and Jeff Carter stop playing like their 2011 versions and more like their 2015 versions.

Sell high.

5.  Super Sperm (6) – Like every year, solid team.  Like every year, chances of winning are less than they were the year before.  You never know, maybe a playoff run, but the depth on this team consists of young players who are showing they are young and their peak is a ways off.  Also, no team will ever win the Anze Cup with Ryan Miller.

6.  Kane & She Was Abel (8) – Proving racial diversity can work, even in sports mainly for Canadians, which are inherently racist.  By the way, there is a new alcoholic beverage in Canada, and one of its ingredients, in big huge print, is kaffir limes.  The word kaffir comes from Arabic, and essentially means non-Muslim, and was used to describe the Africans taken from their homeland as part of the Indian Ocean slave trade (which absolutely dwarfed the Africa-North America slave trade), the word is considered highly derogatory now and is worse than the word that shall not be spoken in the U.S.  Ah, those Canadians, such a racist bunch.  Now, the most liberal of Canadians will stand up and say “wait, how could we know that, it wasn’t intentional!” yet would be the first person to scream bloody murder if the Japanese came out with a sake infused with n!gger lemons.

Makrut limes.  That is what the non-racist world calls them, Canada.  Also, I CANNOT wait to try this new beverage, looks delightful.

7.  Hatrick Swayze (9) – I expect this team to move up.  Just as Anzoolander is an outlier in points versus shots on the high end, this team is an outlier on the low end (if you don’t think they are correlated, look at our stats this year, and historically.  For this year, 4 of top 6 are identical in both categories).  This team has to come around some time, or Todd has to do something out of panic.  Either way, I am excited to watch.

8.  Pistol’s Hellcats (5) – Lost to one of the worst teams in the league.  Never beats a good team, barely scores any points each week.  Lots of things wrong with this team, but don’t tell Pete that, let him go with that wild imagination he developed playing by himself as an only child who was short.

9.  Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – Nobody has done less with more, and made more less.  Well done.

10.  Kanucks (11) – Can’t tell if Dave is less active because he is more busy or actually realizes his team isn’t that bad.  Who am I kidding, he has ugly t-shirts to make, pictures of food to post on facebook, and terrible blog posts about competitive exercising (which is for people who are bad at sports) to publish.

11.  Everett Silvertips (10) – By the end of this season, I expect this team to have touched every second rate goalie in the league in some form or fashion.  Just change your team name to Charlie Sheen and seek treatment for the fantasy hockey AIDs you have.

12.  Me So Vyborny (14) – 2nd in the league in points last week, starting to get healthy, spends zero time on the league, doesn’t do any trades, looking for a new job, moving cities, probably finish last.

13.  Connor McSaviors (12) – It is no fun to bash this team, because GM Ryan Zupan inherited this train wreck.  Oh who am I kidding, stop building your team out of players on the teams in northwestern Canada, they are all fucking toxic.  You suck Zooperpylon.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs (13) – Home is where the heart is.  You are better off watching this video, which I will have on repeat on my TV all Christmas holiday, then spending anymore time thinking about this team.

I watched the entire thing. Peace on earth.

Thank you all.  And thank you Ron Swanson.  JM.

Power Rankings: Week 7

Before we get to power rankings, just a reminder that league fees are due by December 1.  I don’t care how much you owe, even it is $1.88, if payment is not received, you will be locked out of team management. 

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances 

Now, this week’s power rankings are being brought you from Texans GM, Chris Thomas, disproving the stereotype that people from Texas can neither read or write (but not disproving the stereotype that Texas is full of only steers and queers):

1.  Anzoolander (2) - This team has done a great job of using the waiver wire and (Kills me to say) drafting. There is a potent talent level here with unbelievable scoring ability. Getting lucky with a rookie who must love date raping girls to be able to keep up with Kane, and a veteran finally living up to his ability in Montreal. Unfortunately Gallagher will be out with a broken hand that requires surgery (waaaaaahh). If the goaltending can keep up, look out, this could be on the path to repeat.

(GM Jesse Cook after championship #2, which won’t happen)

2.  Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

This team is not surprisingly ranked number two because of the consistency. With only 1 player with 20 points, but 10 players with 15 or more points, should keep this train moving. Average goal tending could derail this team for the Anze Cup, but there is no doubt they will make the playoffs. Looks like selling Connor for this years’ cup may pay off.

3.  Philospoher King (10) - This team is only ranked number three out of pity. His team is over-performing from the norm and with the injury to his young super star, this could get ugly quick. There is a load of young talent who will no doubt keep this team great for years to come as long as the GM can keep a level head. Now that his trading partners have nothing, and I mean nothing to give, he will have to look for other avenues to improve his team.

4.  Texans (4) - This team has been very consistent with an unlucky schedule. The mediocre drafting could be the demise. Also, great Defense seems to be a problem with the best worst +/- at Minus 40. If this team stays healthy, could make a run for the cup. Inevitably this GM will find a way to screw up this years’ team with some corroboration of bertmetrics. (Had to keep this picture going)

5.  Pistol’s Hellcats (7) - This team has great goaltending…. And nothing else!

Trending Down but will still make the playoffs because of a super easy schedule!

6.  Super Sperm (3) - Wow, this team could be so good. Arguably the best keepers in the league. Arguably the worst management though. Bad drafting has kept this team at arm’s reach from the top. I suggest a big trade or two will push you closer to the top.

7.  Jesse Loves Paymon (5) - Lucky for this team Evgeni Malkin might have woken up. GM Steve McIntyre also uses the preferred method of trading (bertmetrics). Average goaltending and poor play from most of his team is why this team ends up in the seven spot. Should he find some suitors for a big trade (which he won’t) he might have a team to compete.  Here is your trading partner:

8.  Kane & She Was Abel (6) - This team is aptly named as the only good player he has is leading the league in points. Luckily this works out to two decent players on other teams. The only reason this team is doing so well in the rankings is because each week the team playing him has an off week. This will change, unlike the behavior of his top player:

9.  Hatrick Swayze (12) - With one player above 15 points and bad goaltending, it’s easy to see why this team remains in the lower middle. Might want to think about changing your picture. Cut and paste should work for you. If you still don’t understand why your team is here, actually look at it! (JM:  This team is on pace to defy statistics.  There is a high correlation between shots and points, and this team is defying that correlation.  Top of the league in shots, bottom in points, it is actually amazing to watch.  Maybe this team does have AIDS.)

10.  Everett Silvertips (11) - This team continues to baffle me as to why they keep losing with the keepers they have… Oh wait, terrible goaltending and mismanagement. It is unbelievable how good the original keepers are but won’t produce on this team. The lack of depth is obvious another red flag. Speaking of flags, GM Court Watson might want to waive this around.

11.  Kanucks (8) - This team is good, oh wait, that is another team. The good news for GM Dave is that he is used to being in this spot. There might be one player you can trade (JM:  Nope). Third lowest in points scored but second in PIMS is a good thing right! Just like something else I have heard of.

12.  Connor McSaviors (9) - This team got a raw deal coming into the league with a bad team. Rookie GM Ryan Zupan had the chance to get things going with some good picks in the draft and chose Drouin with his FIRST pick. What were you thinking GM Zoops, your future is at the bottom, welcome to the best league around (JM: ever)!

I know you like posting these types of pics!

13.  ChingChong BingBongs (13) - This team is really good at being bad. Fortunately there is one team worse. There are 3 players with over 15 points, and that is it. You should have a good shot at 1^st pick next year.

14.  Me So Vyborny (14) - If hockey’s greatest players were on the second line, this team would be awesome. As most of us know, it is the top line that does most of the scoring hence why this team has hardly any points. Maybe a 3 or 4 for 1 trade could be in the works for a playoff team needing depth. Just saying. It’s an idea! Good luck!

Good job Tex.  JM.

Power Rankings: Week 5

Here's this week's power rankings brought to you by poo-litzer prize winning investigatory journalist, Rick Shaw (Editor’s note: Actually, it is Bert Fong).

1. Lokomotiv 2138 (1)



What a week.  What a season.  Lokomotiv 2138 is looking more like the juggernaut it should be instead of the usual jugger-not that it is.  With the exception of Week 3, this team has been kicking ass and taking names not losing more than 4 categories while winning no less than 10.  Who knew a "Cole" powered choo-choo could be so unstoppable.

2. Anzoolander (2)

Through 4 weeks, this team still remains undefeated and could be the closest team that could stop Lokomotiv. He's been just as dominating as Lokomotiv (with the exception of Week 3 as well).  I asked what Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook attributed his fantasy hockey prowess to and he responded, "PBJ.  I have it 2, maybe 3, times a day."  When I asked why he has peanut butter and jelly so many times a day, he replied, "Peanut butter and jelly?! I was referring to Paymon's Ball Juice."

3.  Super Sperm (4)

This team looks as though it's been getting better each week.  There hasn't been one week where he's scored less than 20 points and while some of his keepers (i.e. Nash and Perry) have been struggling, his draftees (i.e. Yakupov, Seabrook, Suter) have been picking up the slack, but time will tell if they can maintain this.  If his goaltending comes around, he could be a real contender.

4. Texans (5)

This team can go far, but an early face-off (and drubbing) against Lokomotiv stalled what could still be a banner year for the Texans

5. Jesse Loves Paymon (6)

With 2 keepers on the IR, JLP GM Steve McIntyre has had to rely on the bench to fill in the void which he's managed to do with some success.  With news of Datsyuk possibly returning to the lineup this week, the outlook for this team is looking brighter.  Now if only he could do something about his goaltending...

 

6. Kane And She Was Abel (7)

How in the world is this team where it is in the standings? Seems as though GM Mike Gaunt is looking to do what that girl wasn't able to do: ride Patrick Kane to a big payday.  Not sure how that will play out for him, but it seems to be working for the moment, so why not just keep on going?


7. Pistol's Hellcats (3)

I have no idea how this team is in first.  Oh wait, having 3 bye weeks in the first 5 weeks will do that for you.  This team hasn't broken the 20 point plateau since Week 2 and if they keep trending in this direction, this ranking could be generous.  When asked what he thought about his detractors saying he was all flash, no finish, he replied, "Firstly, I don;t have tractors.  I'm a real estate agent, not a farmer.  B, of course I have no Finnish.  I'm Canadian."  Like Laser Luke said last week, "No one loves this team more than its own GM."  Hellcats GM Pete Shpak could be the new FIGJAM.

  

8. Kanucks (12) Seems to be doing something right, but it's Dave and he will inevitably do something to eff it all up.

9. Connor McSaviors (11)

Bertmetrics applauds the addition of Clayton Stoner.



10. Philosopher Kings (9)

This team was moving along just nicely until Connor McDavid broke his collarbone.  Don't worry though, I'm sure ChingChong BingBongs will let you "trade Kane" them again.

11. Everett Silvertips (10)

This is an unusual spot to see this team that is used to being in the top eight.  However, I'm sure Silvertips GM Court Watson's penchant for spreadsheets and statistical norms (hehe, I said testicles) will surely bring this team back up from the depths of the cellar.

12. Hatrick Swayze (8)

With only 6 players whose rankings have improved since the season started, the odds of this team improving (unless Sidney Crosby turns it around) is about as good as GM Todd Toothill going the rest of the season in men's league hockey without getting another penalty.

13. Me So Vyborny (13)

Showed some promise at the beginning, but then so is going to the prom with the second sluttiest girl in school only to be ditched while she gives it up to Timmy Konowalchuk under the bleachers on the football field because he swiped some peppermint schnapps from his dad's liquor cabinet.  I digress.  Vyborny GM, Matt Meier is getting some decent production from his keepers, but it's his bench and his goaltending that's letting him down.  It's still early in the season so things can still turn around.

14. ChingChong BingBongs (14)

I don't think there is anything more you could say about this team. Other than "It. Is, Hall-Eeee-Bow." It is clear to all, that the bad trades during the season last year and the following off season, why CCBB GM Bert Fong is the first and ONLY person to win the Eugene Adams Award twice and this season could make it a three-peat.  I tried to get an interview with him after his unprecedented accomplishment, but he was speechless, so all I was able to get was this picture.  A picture is worth a thousand words.

Power Rankings: Week 4

We are three weeks in, lots of story lines taking shape.  Most notably, some of the best players in the league being injured or dying (Tavares, Price, McDavid, Crosby (I think).  Here are this week’s power rankings, courtesy of Philospher King GM, Luke Mackinnon.  As always, previous rank is in parenthesis.

1.  Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

With 9 players and both goalies ranked in the top 100, you had better brace yourself for this undefeated team.  After knocking off the number one seed in week one, (even though both teams outscored everyone), all could see right away that the huge blockbuster trade in the offseason was about to pay off in 2015-16. Burns a top 5 d-man, Zetterberg has 14 points, Crawford had back to back shutouts last week, Hudler and Plecanic 'throw in players', all for one prospect and a very late draft pick. Even though this team could face some D trouble soon, Lokomotiv has been sharp on the waiver grabbing the likes of Larkin, an absolute steal (considering others drafted a rookie in the 4th). Look for this team to continue its trend around the top of the league.  #AllinOrBust

2.  Anzoolander (5)

Another undefeated team, last years cup champion is right back at it.  I honestly have no idea how, considering the number of picks he had in the top 5 rounds.  He might just have the best keepers in the game though, so that helps. And Carey Price. Price.  The goalie, that he traded for JVR, FML. Kuz and Gallagher are proving the genius of this ugly, ugly, GM.  His seven player defensive core will prove to be his downfall, as I predict there is no way he can maintain a top five spot for long.  Top heavy, like the real Jesse Dean Cook and that massive mug, this team will stumble.  #WhereIsTheDepth

3.  Pistol's Hellcats (2)

No one loves this team more than its own GM.  With 11 players and both goalies in the top 100 rankings, some might ask how and why this team is not ranked number one. With two great goalies (yes, they are both great), they should be up in the top ranks to stay.  We need to see more from this team though then a disgraceful loss last week with half the points of other teams, and two wins in the first two weeks to 'bye teams'.  If his old d-men don't break, and Jagr can keep playing hockey, you would think this team will keep the high scores rolling.  #DomiTrain #UnderAppreciated 

4.  Super Sperm (4)

Great keepers that should be scoring a ton of goals will always keep this team in the tops of this league.  He only has one goalie and 3 d-men... both could be an issue, but so far its worked. Picking Yak, Strome, Duclair, Reinhart, and so on, is reaching ... but maybe.  All good players that could break out in a big way... maybe.  I tend to like this team.  #MovingOnUp

5.  Texans (7)

With so many picks in the top 5 rounds, even a Texan could not fuck this up. This team is strong top to bottom, and not only held the preseason number one ranking, it also held the Yahoo draft site projections at number one.  Kudos to a previously terrible GM for making the necessary sacrifice last year to be good this year. A couple changes and this could be the team to beat this year heading into playoffs.  #HeadedToTheTop

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (11)

Some have tried to pull the title of worst team name away from this squad... and it just can never stick while this team exists. With major injuries across the board and Bobrovsky playing the way he is, this team will be lucky to stick in the mix over the next few weeks. It faces tough competition with adversity. If they can play to a respectable level, I expect that it will make them stronger, and we will see this team in the playoffs come season end.  #HangingOn #InjuryBug

7.  Kane & She Was Able (6)

The pain this team must go through every week to choose its second goalie must give this offside GM fits.  "Which of my split time goalies is going to have a better chance to win their one game they will play this week??!!?"  Clearly what doesn't bother him, from looking at the team name, is the fact that Kane, Big Buff, and Ribeiro all spend time in and around jail or the law.  Bad boys to the core, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Simmonds is in on the fun too. In other news, a player no one has ever heard of in Borowiecki is getting his fourth weekly start in a row... surely its the sound of his name that is the lure, and not the one assist.  #CriminalsNeverWin #Borg

8.   Hatrick Swayze (12)

Another one of these all round fantasy hockey teams that you would think would be higher up the ranks.  It doesn't help that Sidney Crosby, normally an absolute terror to play against, has 5 points on the year.  The other thing that is easy to see on this squad, is what teams the players play for.  A lot of Buffalo, Toronto, Arizona and so on.  Is anyone sure that besides Kucherov and Tampa, that anyone of these players actually plays for a team that is going to make the playoffs?  This rookie GM might have shown his rookie stripes already... or maybe those are the gems on bad teams drafted for good value.  I can't tell yet. I'm sure Toots The Tyrant can get them there though.  Expect this team to battle for a playoff spot. #Roughstart

9.  Philosopher Kings (3)

An offseason move that set this team back for the now, things were looking up as his youth and changes were paying off. Then Conner Mcdavid went AWOL into the boards. This team is about to go AWOL as well. Can Jones really be a number one goalie? Is David Krejci back? Is Getz just done? Who is Nikolaj Ehlers anyways? #TooManyQuestions #TooEarlyToTell

10.  Everett Silvertips  (9)

I can hear the cries of injustice and NOOOOOooo's now as you read this! Currently ranked as the worst team in this league, even the shitty mismanagement of this GM can't keep this team down for long.  Those that face this team could be in for a rude awakening, as this team will awake from its slumber soon. Despite the goalie turnstile that GM Court Watson has implemented with the likes of Markstrom, Gustavsson, Ortio, Ullmark, Stalock, Ward, Nilsson, Mrazek, and Rask, he still does arguably have the best keepers in this league.  And as one GM interviewed said, "its a team of the who's who in fantasy hockey, WTF?".  I guess spreadsheets and shooting percentage are not always right. Might want to try watch a game some day.  #Enigma #YouSuckCourt

11.  Conner McSaviors (10)

I know for a fact every Sunday when this GM sets his line up, he curses Todd Toothill’ss name for getting the better situation.  An honorable job making some offseason moves to improve, this is the first team on this list that will not be in the hunt for the playoffs.  I would think GM 'I'll show you a dick pick every chance I get, Zupan" knew that when he drafted Drouin in the first round.  Its all about the future, and this GM will be a big upgrade to the do nothing GM of the past.  Good luck McSaviors. #BuildingForTheFuture

12.  Kanucks (13)

A tradeaholic by nature, this GM spends his time debating moves, while making moves in cross fit. I like the effort, and as previously discussed, believe he wins more than we give him credit for... that said... you'll never win playing four weeks in a row of two goalies on the same team, Elliot/Allen.  For the love of God, put your tradeaholic blood to good use and do something about it.  Its painful to watch.  Even doing this, this team laid an absolute blasting to Everett Silvertips last week.  The pieces are there to make an impact, but not going anywhere unless the goalie situation gets resolved.  #TylerJohnsonForGoalieTradeRumors

13.  Me So Vyborny (8)

The team of second line players, with a couple gems that are not performing... and with no end in site. Yikes.  I don't know that the one waiver wire move shows...?  I don't know what those two goalies are trying to show us either??!!  Why are they so bad.  Starters, with every opportunity... just so bad... #Help.WhatDoIDo?

14.  Ching Chong Bing Bongs (14)

Next year I will be signing the petition to have this team name switch to Bertmetrics, with the slogan "you win some, you lose some, and sometimes you ching chong bing bong some."  Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE, offseason trades doomed this team from the beginning, and there is absolutely NO recovering from it this year. Lose. Get the number one draft pick, and trade it to me for more than Hornqvist (current rank 386th), and a back up goalie on a shitty shitty team that has one win and three games under his belt.  I could blast you with details of more past trades like moving a second round for literally nothing (editor’s note:  and Getzlaf and Pacioretty for nothing)... but I like you. You're funny... And you should never tap the fishbowl.  #InvestInNextYearNow.

Laser Luke, on point.

Thanks Luke, generally on point with some glaring errors but whatevs.

Also, amounts owed for this year can be found here: 

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances 

This includes the $60 league entry fee and transaction fees from last year (less remaining payout for those who won something).  All payments must be made through paypal to puckyourself at live dot com.  All payments in USD.  All fees paid by the GM, the league does not absorb any fees.  Then the money sits in paypal until the season ends.  Payment is due by Nov. 1.  After November 1, your roster will be locked and you will not be able to do anything until you pay.  Got it?  Don’t care.  Figure it out.

JM

Power Rankings: Week 2

Welcome to the first official power rankings of the 2015-16 season.  These are usually the most accurate power rankings you will ever read, I am rarely wrong, and mostly right.  With that disclaimer, lets get right into it.

1.  Lokomotiv 2138 – This train has started out of the gates at top speed, and I think I speak for everyone here when I say I cannot wait for it to crash and burn in a fiery death.  A convincing win last week without its top netminder over a team that put up a pretty solid effort.  You might think Zetterberg and Plekanec are flukes (they are) but I am assuming Cole has learned not to listen to himself, will deal one of them, and the other can be replaced by Backstrom, who is back.  Should be a fun year to watch Cole second guess himself all season long.  Pressure is on big guy.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Might be top ranked if they hadn’t had a bye week last week.  Impressive performance, but it was like making a 1 foot putt on a hole the size of a basketball hoop.  Another bye week this week will help this team cruise to week 3.    The glaring weakness in this team is clearly Henrik Lundqvist, who is old balls, and GM Pete Shpak knows it, picking up a career backup on a terrible team has his handcuff (looks at transaction wire again, confirms that is what happens, shakes head in amazement).  Good luck with that, and Jagr playing a full season, and Parise shooting at a career high shooting percentage, and Max Domi doing whatever he is doing for much longer (it is Arizona for the love of god).

3.  Philosopher King – Martin Jones.  Is he this year’s Dominik Hasek (1993) or is he this year’s Darcy Kuemper (2014)?  My guess is the later, since it happens oh, every year, versus Hasek happening once in a lifetime (and Jones’ is Canadian, which means he isn’t as good as people think).  This has to be keeping Luke up at night as he looks for reliable third goalies in the likes of Thomas Greiss and Anton Khudobin.  Luke likes to talk about his inside track at San Jose, not realizing he is just pointing out he has confirmation bias.  Good luck with that.

4.  Super Sperm – Solid team, but probably won’t win the Anze Cup.  This team’s window, like the Canucks, is gone.  Very questionable management moves; how you put a offensive talent who is paired with Tavares on the powerplay on the bench for a guy playing with Martin Hanzal is beyond me.  But hey, hashtag no cups.

5.  Anzoolander - Everyone thought this team was screwed with no draft picks, but who needs picks when you have Carey Price and Jamie Benn?  They can beat half the teams in the league on their own.  Stamkos helps too.  Abdelkader won’t shoot .500 for much longer, but if the ancillary pieces can contribute periodically, this core is going to go deep, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see this team back in the Anze Cup finals.

6.  Kane and she was Abel – As long as Patrick Kane isn’t in jail, I think this team competes week in and week out.  Goaltending will always be a risk with the goalies this team has, but there will be weeks where goaltending will carry them to victory in a blaze of glory.

7.  Texans – Great offense, bad goaltending.  Why Bernier ever started a game for this team is beyond me.    Hopefully Dubynk comes around and plays out of his mind again, versus staying at, you know, his career average.  Oh wait, maybe the term regress to the mean actually means something.  There is a ton of young talent on this team, with players from Calgary going to kill this team in plus minus because their puck possession is as bad as last year and is finally catching up with them.  It will be fun to watch this team each week, and scary for competitors if the goalies come around.

8.  Me So Vyborny – I like a lot of things going on with this team.  There is a lot of young talent on offense.  The goalies on the other hand, all three are in jeopardy of getting consistent playing time going forward.  GM Matt Meier has going to have to be a little more aggressive this year versus, well, ever.  Hopefully, he doesn’t listen to Cole.

9.  Everett Silvertips – Wow.  Which team has awful goaltending?  This team.  I don’t think this team has much of a shot unless something magical happens (someone gives him a great starting goalie, the Boston Bruins figure out how to play defense, Court becomes single and not boring, etc).  Great young talent on offense will probably get this team into the playoffs, but as of right now, it has no shot on winning it all.

10.  Connor McSaviors – I think this team has more wins this season already than all of last year.  A testament to Ryan’s work effort so far, the only direction this team can go is up.  That, and they played a horribly managed team.

11.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Who is on the case when the detective IS the missing person?  Hopefully, Steve will stop making that awful joke; it wasn’t funny when they did it on Sportscenter (yeah, I spelled it correctly) and it really isn’t funny when Steve does it.  Besides that clown in net, is there anyone on this team you get super excited for other than Karlsson?  Me neither.

12.  Hatrick Swayze – We are really rooting for Todd, it would be great to see someone like him win in this league, but he is already mismanaging his roster, getting zero points out of Crosby.  The best part is Todd talking about how a guy who plays for Toronto is good.  Haha (I am laughing with you, I swear).  At least his d-men are productive, for now.  I actually think Quick will bounce back and so will this team a little bit, despite what Todd does.

13.  Kanucks – Bye week #2.  I give Dave credit for being active, but that doesn’t mean this team is very good.  Don’t see this team moving from the slot anytime soon.

14.  Ching Chong Bing Bongs – The original bye week.  Going to take something special to get out of this position.

Just an FYI, you all owe money, but I need to figure out how much.  Also, as a reminder, especially for newbies, all transactions are $.50 each.  Eventually I will get around to billing you.

JM

Power Rankings from the Champ

Defending Anze Cup champion has graciously submitted the first (of many, I hope) guest post for this season.  In celebration of the season kicking off today, I present the inaugural 2015-2016 Puck You! power rankings.

I think I have had eleventy crown and gingers at this point; hashtag first class rules.

And here we go:

The Anze Cup is where it belongs. No, not in Slovenia, but in West Vancouver; where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. The Anze Cup had a great summer, kept its GM well hydrated, and is poised to stay at its current residence for years to come. The highlight was clearly drinking out of the Anze Cup while the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (again).

Here is the Week 1 Power Rankings based on the Draft and 100% accurate prediction skills only I possess (Editor’s note: not true, I am much more accurate, but he is still pretty good):

1) Texans – Solid draft (for once) and with so many high picks (and marginal keepers) this team is stacked. Should DD not replicate last season this team could be in big trouble (Bernier is not the answer), however, if he can this team is deep with the best D corps in the league. How Letang was available to pick was unbelievable...what a horrible horrible horrible mistake by Hatrick Swayze.

2) Everett Silvertips - A surprisingly good draft coupled with the 2nd best set of keepers equals another competitive roster for Stupid Court. Spending thousands of hours researching trends while drinking has worked in previous years for Watson, but he will have to up this to tens of thousands of hours to ensure the right moves are made down the stretch to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Good thing Court has nothing but time on his hands.

3) Anzoolander - The last 4 Stanley Cup Champion Captains are: Toews, Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. It is no fluke that this team is poised to defend its crown as Anze Cup Champion with the reigning Vezina and Art Ross trophy winners also on the roster. This team had no option during the draft other than to take some risks, and is hopeful that the likes of Panarin, Kuznetsov and Nichushkin can compliment the star studded keepers. The D is young and one of the weakest in the league and this could make or break it for Anzoolander in his hopes to repeat as Champion (Editor’s note:  No team will benefit more from the 3 on 3 format than Dallas.  No one.  This might be a record year for GWGs by a single team).

4) Lokomotiv 2138 - This was a very safe draft for Cole, and in some ways seemed as if he spent zero time researching and simply picked players he has had on his team before (stick tap though for the best late pick of the draft in Teravainen 141st overall). While this team isn't stacked, it has two solid goalies, players up and down the line-up that are reliable, and for once Cole might actually get lucky and not have his entire team injured down the stretch. Part of me hopes this is his year, but most of me thinks the train will come off the tracks around late February.

 

5) Jesse Loves Paymon - With the second best late draft pick (Sam Bennett at 124), JLP has a nice mixture of young and old players with a solid tandem of Bobby's in net. Time will tell if the health of his older players will hold up, but if so, this team, while not flashy, could be a dark horse this season.

6) Pistol's Hellcats - it is unreal that someone would keep Keith Yandle, then be able to grab Drew Doughty in the 2nd round (something is seriously wrong with this league). Pistol clearly pressed the wrong button when he drafted Max "I play for the motherfuckin Yotes" Domi 51st overall as there is no chance this guy would have been picked by anyone (except Bert) before the 10th round. This team is average but the goalies are superior and hence, The Hellcats will be in every single match this season.

 

7) Hatrick Swayze - Toots must have thanked Jeebus for being the 2nd in line to take over a franchise. This allowed him to acquire Crosby and some decent keepers instead of Zupan's complete mess of an acquisition. Toots decided to try and make things even by keeping Backes as opposed to Letang and taking JVR with the 7th overall selection. "Earth to Meekus...and Earth to Todd." Do you know Phil Kessel got traded in the off-season and that Toronto is as bad a team as the Canucks? LOL. While you started at rock bottom you did make some better picks along the way (couldn't get any worse) which will allow this team to fight for a playoff spot this post season.

8) Philosopher King - with the worst team name in the league, GM Luke Mackinnon scooped up the second best rookie in the draft with his selection of Connor McDavid. This team has a ton of offensive weapons and Klingberg could put up some in huge numbers this season as the QB of Dallas' PP. Goal is a glaring weakness however as any team with a shared crease is a dangerous position to be in and Martin Jones is anything but proven (Editor’s note: tied for most accurate assessment)

9) Super Sperm - no one gets under GM Ryan Schauble's skin quite like our very own Commissioner, but only Super Sperm is to blame for the horrific players drafted last Wednesday evening. Most of his squad was drafted in much too high a round, and due to this instead of being a contender with a solid group of keepers, SS will be fighting to make it into the playoffs. Oh, and it is utterly amazing that SS drafted Dano 123rd overall when he could have picked Panarin (who went 126th....to Anzoolander) who is actually on the team and Dano is riding the bus. LOL (Editor’s note: also tied).

 

10) Me So Vyborny - Ladies and Gentlemen, Phil Kessel is a Keeper, obviously (and Todd, he was traded to Pittsburgh in the off-season. Pittsburgh is a different city than Toronto and thus, JVR will no longer be playing with Kessel). With Kessel, Sharp and Johansen's stock all rising in the off-season due to new line-mates, a good draft would have propelled this team into contention. Unfortunately, the draft was just average and banking on Talbot, Anderson and Mason in net could hold this team back. Trades and/or waiver wire steals will be necessary to get this team to the promised land.

11) Kane and she was Abel (too soon?) - These will get shorter now as the remaining teams, well...aren't good? (with rising inflection of the voice).  Any team with Big Buff should win but for some reason this team won't. On paper there are some big names, some grinders for PIMs but time will tell if they can gel as a team and win enough offensive categories to make up for the shaky goalies in the crease.

12) Connor McSaviors - GM Ryan Zupan didn't have much choice in the crap that was dumped on his lap, but this didn't stop him from drafting 2 more Oilers when he already has one in Taylor Hall. Good news for him is Draisaitl will actually be playing in the AHL to start the season so great strategy man! It will be interesting to see how Zupan wheels and deals during the season to try and replicate what Luke did last year (aka Silver Medallist aka Luke Dawg aka Loves Sunsets aka Hates Vegas (say whaaahhht) aka aka aka recycled burn thanks Court). As for Zupan's beloved Oilers, the great thing for McDavid is he has seen and done everything there is to do in Edmonton so he can focus entirely on hockey (Note: there is absolutely nothing to see or do in Edmonton) (Editor’s note:  hahahahahahaha)

 

13) Kanucks - This team is about as deep as a well in Sudan (Editor’s note:  I think you have to dig pretty deep to get water in Sudan, so I think he is referring to the amount of actual water in the well, but you get his drift). The players are household names (for the family of the players only) and having goalies in STL and OTT are just a bad, bad, bad idea. Almost as bad as an idea as this poor woman:

14) Chingchong Bingbongs - As the saying goes, you win some, you lose some, and you Chingchong Bingbong some. After trading away Jack Eichel (effectively) for a back up goalie in Carolina and Hornquist and 2 kgs of rice, clearly GM Bert Fong pulled an all-nighter before the draft as some of his picks were. just. shocking. Given the history of Bertmetrics there should be no reason to be shocked by GM Bert Fong, however, once again, we wuh wong. We all love our Token Asian and hope he can at least beat Dave this season. What a battle that will be for next years #1 pick!

Guest blogs are encouraged and appreciated all season to take the pressure off of Stupid Court, and can be very quick and dirty (that's what she said).

Good luck this season Gentlemen.

Anzoolander

What a great start.  I feel excited.

JM