Power Rankings: Week 5

Here's this week's power rankings brought to you by poo-litzer prize winning investigatory journalist, Rick Shaw (Editor’s note: Actually, it is Bert Fong).

1. Lokomotiv 2138 (1)



What a week.  What a season.  Lokomotiv 2138 is looking more like the juggernaut it should be instead of the usual jugger-not that it is.  With the exception of Week 3, this team has been kicking ass and taking names not losing more than 4 categories while winning no less than 10.  Who knew a "Cole" powered choo-choo could be so unstoppable.

2. Anzoolander (2)

Through 4 weeks, this team still remains undefeated and could be the closest team that could stop Lokomotiv. He's been just as dominating as Lokomotiv (with the exception of Week 3 as well).  I asked what Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook attributed his fantasy hockey prowess to and he responded, "PBJ.  I have it 2, maybe 3, times a day."  When I asked why he has peanut butter and jelly so many times a day, he replied, "Peanut butter and jelly?! I was referring to Paymon's Ball Juice."

3.  Super Sperm (4)

This team looks as though it's been getting better each week.  There hasn't been one week where he's scored less than 20 points and while some of his keepers (i.e. Nash and Perry) have been struggling, his draftees (i.e. Yakupov, Seabrook, Suter) have been picking up the slack, but time will tell if they can maintain this.  If his goaltending comes around, he could be a real contender.

4. Texans (5)

This team can go far, but an early face-off (and drubbing) against Lokomotiv stalled what could still be a banner year for the Texans

5. Jesse Loves Paymon (6)

With 2 keepers on the IR, JLP GM Steve McIntyre has had to rely on the bench to fill in the void which he's managed to do with some success.  With news of Datsyuk possibly returning to the lineup this week, the outlook for this team is looking brighter.  Now if only he could do something about his goaltending...

 

6. Kane And She Was Abel (7)

How in the world is this team where it is in the standings? Seems as though GM Mike Gaunt is looking to do what that girl wasn't able to do: ride Patrick Kane to a big payday.  Not sure how that will play out for him, but it seems to be working for the moment, so why not just keep on going?


7. Pistol's Hellcats (3)

I have no idea how this team is in first.  Oh wait, having 3 bye weeks in the first 5 weeks will do that for you.  This team hasn't broken the 20 point plateau since Week 2 and if they keep trending in this direction, this ranking could be generous.  When asked what he thought about his detractors saying he was all flash, no finish, he replied, "Firstly, I don;t have tractors.  I'm a real estate agent, not a farmer.  B, of course I have no Finnish.  I'm Canadian."  Like Laser Luke said last week, "No one loves this team more than its own GM."  Hellcats GM Pete Shpak could be the new FIGJAM.

  

8. Kanucks (12) Seems to be doing something right, but it's Dave and he will inevitably do something to eff it all up.

9. Connor McSaviors (11)

Bertmetrics applauds the addition of Clayton Stoner.



10. Philosopher Kings (9)

This team was moving along just nicely until Connor McDavid broke his collarbone.  Don't worry though, I'm sure ChingChong BingBongs will let you "trade Kane" them again.

11. Everett Silvertips (10)

This is an unusual spot to see this team that is used to being in the top eight.  However, I'm sure Silvertips GM Court Watson's penchant for spreadsheets and statistical norms (hehe, I said testicles) will surely bring this team back up from the depths of the cellar.

12. Hatrick Swayze (8)

With only 6 players whose rankings have improved since the season started, the odds of this team improving (unless Sidney Crosby turns it around) is about as good as GM Todd Toothill going the rest of the season in men's league hockey without getting another penalty.

13. Me So Vyborny (13)

Showed some promise at the beginning, but then so is going to the prom with the second sluttiest girl in school only to be ditched while she gives it up to Timmy Konowalchuk under the bleachers on the football field because he swiped some peppermint schnapps from his dad's liquor cabinet.  I digress.  Vyborny GM, Matt Meier is getting some decent production from his keepers, but it's his bench and his goaltending that's letting him down.  It's still early in the season so things can still turn around.

14. ChingChong BingBongs (14)

I don't think there is anything more you could say about this team. Other than "It. Is, Hall-Eeee-Bow." It is clear to all, that the bad trades during the season last year and the following off season, why CCBB GM Bert Fong is the first and ONLY person to win the Eugene Adams Award twice and this season could make it a three-peat.  I tried to get an interview with him after his unprecedented accomplishment, but he was speechless, so all I was able to get was this picture.  A picture is worth a thousand words.