Power Rankings: Week 9

Foreword (as written by Leonardo DiCaprio):

To preface this week’s rankings is a bit intimidating, to be honest. The world of fantasy sports is intriguing to say the least, but how does a grown man find the time to commit fully to the “sport”?

I wasn’t shocked to hear that Todd was valued high on the North American fantasy sports ranking chart, not in the slightest. I first met him in Las Vegas, oh, back in 2001 I believe. I was still trying to find my way as an actor, lost you could say. Both in the emotional state of where I was at in my career, and also in the physical state, as I was in the MGM Grand hotel, and shit that place is a fucking maze. Add in a couple of double vodka crans and I might as well have been Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Lost, cold (from the ecstasy), and confused.

And that’s where I first met him. He was holding court (not you Watson, you plug; http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/hold-court) at the craps table, 14 or 15 women surrounding him, enthralled with his every movement. And these were beautiful women, tall, buxom, not a shred of body fat except for their gigantic cans. And they hung on his every word, and had drew quite a crowd around him. Me being somewhat of a famous person at this point, would generally not think twice about introducing myself to anyone I deemed interesting to meet, yet with him I have to be honest it took a few minutes. Not because he seemed intimidating, but rather here I was, the star of Titanic, and these girls haven’t noticed I’m even standing next to him

We chatted for a few hours, it was intoxicating. Not so much the words he spewed but the impact of his delivery. I often joke with him that everything I learned about women I learned that night, but he’s too humble to let me tell it like that. So I will say that I’m forever indebted to him with respect to the success I’ve had with thousands of women. He’s a special man.

Leo

And with that, on to this week’s rankings!

1. Texans (1) –

Solid lineup top to bottom for this redneck GM. Hey look there’s a bird, let’s shoot it! While goaltending has been solid to this point (Jersey…really??), a Dubnyk injury is sure to slow this team down. Hey look, a cute deer, let’s shoot it! Giordano could be the bust of the year so far, but then again, who picks Flames players. Just downright awful. Hey let’s shoot that Gorilla! Oh wait, that’s my brother in law.

2. Anzoolander (3) – One bad week does not make a team. And there is way too much star power on this squad to slide any further in the rankings. Probably more to do with how awful all the other teams are then how good this one is. Unfortunately for this ape, deciding who’s going to start from week to week (Andersen or Gibson) will turn any man crazy, not to mention a Silverback!! Am I right!!?? This GM is so ugly it makes me cry. Have you ever seen him tinker with his lineup….it’s depressing:

3. Lokomotiv (4) – Goaltending wins championships. And if this team goes deep, it’ll be goaltending that got him there. Two rock solid teams to hitch your proverbial goaltending star to in Chicago and Long Island (Editor’s note:  Brooklyn). The old dogs of Zetterberg and Vanek will carry this team to the post season, but unfortunately it is at that moment that Darling gets the starts, and Halak will be injured. So close, you suck.

4.  Hatrick Swayze (7) – I know what you’re thinking, “Hey he can’t do that! He can’t rank himself 4^th because it’s his team, that’s biased!”. First off, yes I can. And B, shut up loser. Crosby, check. Quick, check. This team looks back on track, and after handing the former 1^st place team (Editor’s note: in record only) a huge beat down last week, look for this team to really make moves. Good on you, handsome.

5. Philosopher King (2) – Could potentially be ranked higher on this list, if it wasn’t for his stupid team name. Their music sucked. The movie sucked. You suck. A good mix of old and young talent, this season will inevitably come down to Martin Jones. You heard me correctly, Martin. Jones. Yeah, see you at the bottom.

6. Kane and She Was Abel (6) – Will the real Jake Voracek please stand up, please stand up, please stand up. Bust of the year candidate Voracek has a whopping one goal this year. A third of the way into the year, and you’ve got to think he breaks out of his funk. If not, this team is doomed for the basement, where Patrick Kane keeps the rape kit.

7. Super Sperm (5) – As solid of a D core you’ll find in this league, it’s too bad you can only start 4 of them (Editor’s note: you can start up to six). Another good mix of age and youth should see this team bounce up the standings once again. But Ryan Miller….yikes. It’s tough times ahead bro. A move or two to solidify a 2^nd top tier goalie and this team could really be something. But probably not.

8. Everett Silvertips (11) – How are you so bad? You have studs. Can’t you just land on a goalie and stick with it. This team has nowhere to go but up. Really, you should stick to beating women at virtual Wii Soccer.

9. Jesse Loves Paymon (9) – Mister average. I’m sure you’ll be ranked 9^th for the rest of the season. Way to go!

10. Kanucks (10) – If I could spear this team in the nuts, I would. And the fine would be money well spent. You have two back up goalies. Not backing you up, but actually starting for you. And that makes me sad.

11. Me So Vyborny (12) – Lots of good young talent, this team could make a name for itself in the future. But not this year. And not next year. Or the year after. In fact, I retract that. This team stinks.

12. Connor McSaviours (13)– Edmonton is in last place. Again. Which is where this oiler-humping GM should be. But he’s not because….well, look below him.

13. ChingChong BingBongs (14) – This is why. This is why Connor McShithead is not last place. Because of this dink.

14. Pistol’s Hellcats (8) – The 14^th ranking for this team is directly related to this team’s profile picture. Every week moving forward, this team will be ranked dead last until Pete changes his team’s profile picture to this:

Editors note:  Or this:

Well done Todd, great first effort.  JM.