Power Rankings: Week 16

The All Star Game made this week a short one, and it either exposed a team for its weaknesses, graced teams with luck, or demonstrated team strengths. The power rankings will impose double standards quite freely.

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop (previous ranking: 1) – Second loss in a row suggests that the cracks in this once impenetrable dam may be getting bigger, then again, he isn’t likely to come up against a team who has a career week like Anzes Puck Bunny did this week. RRD has a chance to right the ship against a struggling GM Anze Backup this week.

2. Ottawa HC (5) – Going into week 6, OHC was sitting in last place in the league standings. 10 weeks and 7 wins later, this team well positioned for the playoffs. This upcoming week will show the mettle of this team, as they face the hottest team in the league, the BIZZAROHAWKS.

3. WONDERS ON ICE (2) – When this team wins, it wins big. When it loses, it is only barely. Losing 7 of its last 9 weeks, somehow this team still remains in 2nd place in the standings. This week exposed the lack of depth in WOI netminders, and manager Zach Gray may be looking for a trade to find someone more reliable than Peter Budaj.

4. Mystery Eskimos (7) – A hot week in net carried this team, which does not have a winning record season to date in any defensive categories other than shutouts. Manager Caleb Widen made a handful of roster changes this week in an effort to spark some offense. He faces a hilariously lucky Anzes Puck Bunny this week; no way to predict the final outcome, though smart money should be on the Eskimos.

5. The BIZARROHAWKS (8) – With only 1 loss in the last 8 weeks and a resurgence in both offense and goaltending, this team is the hottest team in fantasy hockey. A deft move to trade goalie Steve Mason while he was hot looks like it may have been a great move by manager Scott Freeland, and picking up newcomer Brian Elliot may only further demonstrate the advantages of living in the eastern time zone (the rest are negatives, he lives in a fucking ghetto). A big week this week by the BH will put them into a playoff spot.

6. Western WA Caps (6) – A very, very fortunate week as this team went up against a struggling GM Anze Backup which let the Caps get away with mediocre goaltending. Next week will be almost comical as the team overloaded with Washington Capitals faces off against the team overloaded with Detroit Redwings.

7. GM Anze Backup (3) – Was able to settle for a disappointing tie this week due to Roberto Luongo struggling mightily. This team needs to turn it on the next couple of weeks to shore up a playoff spot and their performance will be contingent on Luongo finding his groove.

8. RoBERTo LuFONGo (4) – If total number of years age of a team was a category, this team would win hands down. The only thing more apparent than the age of this team is the poor quality of it’s goalies. Manager Bert Fong has to be willing to propose trades that don’t completely suck for the counterparty if he wants to add the skill he needs in net to make the playoffs.

9. Not Poodle!!! (9) – It would be time better spent analyzing where this team’s name came from (Slap Shot) as opposed to it’s lack of depth….next.

10. Anzes Puck Bunny (sucks) – GM Jesse Cook spent the All Star break in Las Vegas, where he declared that “Floyd Mayweather is (his) new best friend.” While most would assume this is the boxer, an investigation revealed that Floyd Mayweather is the stage name of Paymon Torabian at the Prancing Pony, a men only cabaret. As for his team, it looks as good as Patrick Kane’s shootout attempts in the skills competition (for those who missed the sarcasm or the shootout, I am saying they are brutal).

Power Rankings: Week 15

A huge week this week as the playoff picture became a little clearer and the top teams created a bit of separation from those booking tee times for mid march, lets take a look at the new power rankings

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop – Finally, finally, this team lost. RoBERTo LuFONGo reaped the benefits of being on the caretaker side of the most mentally retarded trade in the history of fantasy sports, and threw in a shutout to close the door on Reggie Reg. One loss does not a bad team make however. This week won’t show much, with manager Mike Gaunt’s tendency to not even look at his roster, he may not adjust to get the most games in the shortened all-star week.

2. WONDERS ON ICE – A very strong performance in net on the final day led to a dominating performance this week by WOI, reaping the rewards of dealing Ilya Kovalchuk for Marc-Andre Fleury, and an offense that has barely skipped a beat with the loss of the Atlanta Flames sniper. Another team that could fall victim to its manager’s passive management style this week.

3. GM Anze Backup – A crushing loss this week, but the numbers for this team are staggeringly strong; GAB sits in the top 3 in almost half of the offensive categories, and with the return of Roberto Luongo and Danny Briere, this team still has lots of time to get back in the playoff picture.

4. RoBERTo LuFONGo – Is it just me, or with the pickup of Brendan Shanahan, Teemu Selanne and Mats Sundin, does anyone else picture this team manager as Ben Stiller in Happy Gilmore managing a bunch of old fucks as the make arts and crafts for sale? Getting Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk for a pittance has turned this team into an offensive juggernaut, but his goaltending is still streaky at best. The league is waiting to see if he does anything to improve the situation, but knowing manager Bert Fong’s strategy in all other situations, BIZZAROHAWKS manager Scott Freeland says Bert is “is an ugly SOB with a small penis…when (you) are right you are right.”

5. Ottawa HC – The most active manager in the league has almost completely retooled this roster and using a strategy of trading big names for talent and picking up talented players coming off severe injuries, has developed a very deep offensive team. The cost of the retooling has been in net, with OHC running a very fine line between greatness and failure. If they can hold on and stay healthy until late February when Martin Brodeur returns, OHC could make a huge playoff run.

6. Western WA Capitals – This team fell short this week after being the retard in the most retarded fantasy trade of all time. Don’t be fooled by last week’s score, the categories that indicate sold team performance this team got thumped. Manager Cole Ballard was at a loss, sending out a team wide memo that had only one word; “?????????”

7. Mystery Eskimos – An injured Rick Nash and a quiet week across the board hurt this team this week. Shooting % may be an indication of the troubles that lie ahead. Even with Nash back, managers in the league question if this team relies too much on goaltending to make a legitimate playoff run.

8. The BIZZAROHAWKS – It would be interesting to see how this team playing against its former star, Steve Mason, and TB held up well. Buoyed by a new uniform, this team had a strong performance this week, but was held to a tie after Ryan Smyth had the game of his life Sunday night, and Stevie Franchise notched a win for Not Poodle!!! One thing is for sure about this team; that manager Scott Freeland loves ugly faced jerseys…and CAPS Lock.

9. Not Poodle!!! – Bought high on Stevie Franchise, who put up mediocre numbers. The Detroit Red Wings played well this week, but it wasn’t enough to give NP the W, and it was looking like a loss until Ryan Smyth saved manager Matt Welsh’s neck. After a harrowing week, all Welsh could say was “(mumble, mumble, mumble), I need some vagina.”

10. Anzes Puck Bunny – Manager Jesse Cook renamed the team in a attempt to set the record straight. Not only is he Anze Kopitar’s equally ugly cousin, but he is also the catcher in their locker room trysts. When questioned on this new revelation, Paymon refused to comment (though off the record he may have referred to Jesse as a “cum dumpster”). Maybe this new strategy of being the team puck slut and taking it from all the players is paying off, as this team showed some offensive prowess this week, but his current streak of win one, lose two continues to drill him into the cellar harder than Ryan and Kopitar drill Cook in the showers.

Power Rankings: Week 14

The NHL All-Star rosters have been selected, and it appears that they are almost as out of touch with reality as Jesse Cook and his trade offers. Let’s take a look at this week’s power rankings, with a note on how many All-Stars each roster holds. Note the general trend of the worse teams having more “all-stars”

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop – Another week, another win….yawn. 1 player.

2. George McPhee – The team held on this week for a win, but this may be all downhill from here, after manager Cole Ballard dealt Pavel Datsyuk and Jeff Carter for Alexander Ovechkin. To much reliance on one team can cause volatility, which can causes losses. The next few weeks will show what this team is made of. 1 player.

3. WONDERS ON ICE – Precariously holding onto the number 2 spot in the league standings after a loss to the unpredictable Not Poodle!!! With ample firepower, WOI manager dealt Ilya Kovalchuk to Ottawa HC for a stronger presence in net. It will be interesting to see what the future holds for WOI, but at least one opposing manager doesn’t think it is bright. George McPhee manager Cole Ballard predicted “I guarantee (he) will not make the playoffs.” 4 players.

4. Mystery Eskimos – Yeah, this team lost this week, but everyone loses to RRD. This team made what could be some dynamite moves in the past week, will it be enough to get them a first round bye in the playoffs? 4 players.

5. Not Poodle!!! – Great pickup this week in a trade that saw this team add Steve Mason in net. When the Detroit Red Wings have a bad week, this team loses. When the Red Wings have a good week, go fuck yourself Fatty. 0 players.

6. Anzoolander Killer – This team is shit kicking and not even bother to take names, with 4 straight winning weeks. Led by strong goaltending (4 shutouts in the past 2 weeks), this team is now only 8 points out of a playoffs spot. Big matchup this week against his former goalie Steve Mason and Not Poodle!!! 4 players.

7. GM Anze Backup – This team just didn’t have what it took to take on Anzoolander Killer this week, and manager Steve McIntyre is hoping he doesn’t have to meet AK in the playoffs. With Roberto Luongo expected to come back this Thursday, GAB will have to put up a convincing win this week against Ottawa HC to move up in the eyes of this writer. 7 players.

8. RoBERTO LuFONGo – Mats Sudin is back, and Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk will be in uniform this coming week. This team could see a rapid climb up the standings going forward. It will be interesting to watch how manager Bert Fong fucks this up, and it is almost guaranteed he will. 3 players.

9. Ottawa HC – After being called the “Ottawa Horrible Club” by Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook leading into the week, the team went on a tear offensively and took down Anzoolander handily. When asked to comment on the victory, OHC manager Court Watson could only humbly say “KaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” Still, when you beat the worst team it isn’t proving much. Ottawa HC will have to put up a good fight against GM Anze Backup this week. 3 players.

10. My left testicle after 3 hours on the treadmill. 0 players.

11. Anzoolander – When you play against a team you says suck, and that sucky team makes you look even suckier, odds are you probably suck even more. Anzoolander is no exception. After losing to Ottawa HC, GM Jesse Cook could only muster "gg." Based on his homosexual relationship with Paymon, this writer can only assume Jesse was admiting he was a gay gorilla. With the exception of rapidly rising Bobby Ryan, this team of crap really has nothing to offer to other managers in the way of trades. Even Cook admits “there could be a fire sale soon.” Nothing like a bag of flaming poo for sale. 5 players on the all star team.

Black Balls

DISCLAIMER: This article does not go into detail about the state of Jesse Cook’s testicles after dry humping his “coworker” Paymon. Instead it deals with something much more serious, or hilarious, or both.

With the flurry of trades that have occured in this year (Steve Mason for Martin St. Louis, Ilya Kovalchuk for Marc-Andre Fleury and Alexander Frolov, Bill Guerin and Dion Phaneuf for Bryan Little and Nicklas Lidstrom, etc), this league has shown to be one of the most freewheeling, strategic league in years. Unfortunately for one manager, he is spending most of the season on the outside looking in.

“I don't even care anymore...I say go for it,” depressingly resigns Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook after the staggeringly retarded trade between RoBERTo LuFONGo and George McPhee (manager Cole Ballard even said “This was a total fire sale. I don’t care about winning”) that saw Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk go to RoBERTo LuFONGo for Alexander Ovechkin. Jesse had made several offers for Carter and Datsyuk, but had had no such luck in coming to an agreement with George McPhee, or anyone else for that matter. What is it that prevent all other managers from dealing with Jesse Cook?

“The difference between me and Cook... I try to address other teams needs when proposing a trade,” says The Plumber’s manager Steve McIntyre. Anzoolander Killer manager Scott Freeland comments “I chirp Cook so much because he trade offers are so horrible.” Cole Ballard, the manager who Jesse offered so many, many proposals for and was able to get zero trades through the league office said the Jesse just kept offering the “same crappy deals” and had the managerial skills of an “ass clown.” When asked to comment on all the trades he has seen proposed by Jesse, League Commissioner and Ottawa HC manager Court Watson would only comment that the trades were “interesting” (and then proceeded to say right after that by interesting he meant shitty).

As you can see from the comments by other managers, there really is no good reason why Jesse can’t get trades to go through, it is just one of life’s pleasant mysteries. Will the rest of league see the true value of Anze Kopitar and help Anzoolander stop their downward spiral down the league standings?

“My team is getting an overhaul” monotones Jesse Cook. With nobody willing to trade with him, the league is definitely curious as to how.

SAY IT AIN’T SO

Right after being traded to Mystery Eskimos, Bryan Little suffered a rib contusion and is day to day. Said former owner Cole Ballard, “flippin’ sweet.”

Rick Nash also banged himself up running into the boards, depleting Mystery Eskimos even further. Manager Caleb Widen believes that Nash is just “being self-preserving".”

Marion Gaborik is out again for an extended period. He is now officially the most talented pussy ever in the NHL.

Rumor has it that Roberto Luongo is close to return. This makes the Plumbers even scarier.

Andy McDonald is also close to returning off the IR. He will still be considered dead weight. Maybe Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook can offer him for Henrik Zetterberg. That sounds about right.

Power Rankings: Week 13

Does anybody really care about the NHL this week? As We still suck manager Cole Ballard aptly put it, the World Junior Semifinal between Canada and Russia was “probably the best game I have ever seen.” Lots of young talent in that tournament that will ultimately decide these power rankings in the not too far off future, and this blogger cannot wait for the Gold Medal game Monday night.

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop – Somebody beat this team…please. Those good ol’ boys from Mystery, AK will have to step up this week.

2. WONDERS ON ICE – A potential championship preview this week between RRD and WOI left more questions than answers with the result ending in a virtual stalemate. Looking weak in net, WOI made a deft move trading for Marc Andre Fleury to prevent his team’s back end from being as loose as Jesse Cook’s after a night with Paymon.

3. The Plumbers – A bit of a hiccup this week, playing against the volatile Eeeeehhhhhh. His team still put up very strong numbers and is poised for the upcoming clash against the now very hot Anzoolander Killer.

4. We still suck – Snuck out a win this week, and a couple of trades and pickups leave the rest of the league interested to see what this team will do in the next few weeks. The mastermind behind a three team trade that saw a total of 7 players trade hands, one can only ponder if manager Cole Ballard is a genius, insane, or both.

5. Mystery Eskimos – Manager Caleb Widen is quietly working behind the scene to rebuild this team, is he doing enough to make it a contender for the championship?

6. Eeeeehhhhhh – With too many players on one team being relied upon, this team can be one the best teams in the league one week and one of the worst the next week. If GM Matt Welsh gets the right timing, he could walk away with it all.

7. Anzoolander Killer – Three wins in a row, buoyed by the unreal goaltending from both Steve Mason and Mike Smith. He absolutely shit-kicked Anzoolander for the second time this season in the past week, which led GM Scott Freeland to declare, “My best is better than (his) best"!”

8. RoBERTo LuFONGo – This team didn’t show much this week, but luckily didn’t need to. When you play the team with the worst +/- in fantasy history and the goalies who let in all those goals, you should win handily. RoBERTo won, but just barely.

9. Ottawa HC – This team made some major moves this week, picking up Ilya Kovalchuk, Ray Whitney and Dion Phaneuf. That won’t be enough though. Unless GM Court Watson’s top two draft picks significantly pick it up, he might as well just release his entire team to free agency and settle for last.

10. Anzoolander – When you lose badly to last, you are usually last, and this team is last. Tim Thomas is a backup, Jean-Sebastien Giguere is on his way to being a backup, and GM Jesse Cook dealt away young talented multi-position forward Kris Versteeg for some old, oft-injured geyser. On top of that, he benched his favorite player, Anze Kopitar, after getting into a heated locker room argument over who was uglier and who Paymon loved more. Fortunately this team has a shot at holding on this week against Ottawa HC, but true playoff contenders this season have shown that this team is run worse that the Blackhawks under Bill Wirtz. As Steve McIntyre, Manager of the Plumbers noted in this blog’s last column, “As a GM, Jesse Cook does not have a clue.” He also licks Paymon’s ass with his tongue.

New Year’s Resolutions

What a week of hockey it was, bringing in a promising 2009. With the NBA producing a close to garbage product and the NHL starting to pique the interest of casual fans, this could be a banner year for the NHL and as a result, fantasy hockey. With this is mind I have come up with a few resolutions for the new year.

1. The NHL should foot the bill and buy 3 HD cameras for each team’s coliseum, free to use by anyone who will broadcast the game, even if it is BET or Oxygen. HD has done more for hockey than any other sport, and the limited HD capabilities of Versus is limiting the league’s potential. All hockey games should be required to be shown in HD. Period. End of Story.

2. The Winter Classic was a huge success, but a portion of that success was due to the hype created by the previous year. To me, they weren’t even close. I mean, you had a tight game that went to shootouts with the NHL’s poster child scoring the winning goal on the final shootout attempt? In HD? In a snowstorm? The game this year was good, but not great, and the aerial shots showed not even a flake of snow around Wrigley Field (were those white tarps covering the field to make it look like snow?). My resolution is to formally propose that Montreal plays Boston in the next Winter Classic, at Fenway Park, excuse me, Fenway Paaahk.

3. If you travel 1,772 miles to watch your favorite team get their dicks stuck in their own arses, you should be made fun of. Say hello to Jesse Cook.

4. Hopefully, the popularity of the NHL has given some power at the bargaining table. When they renew their agreement with Versus, instead of promising everything from revenue sharing to complimentary Dirty Sanchez’, they should ask for the World Juniors to be part of the package. Not only are these kids extremely talented, but they are the future faces of the NHL, the sooner the US fans see them, the better. Look at this goal, and tell me that is was on regular cable in HD that it wouldn’t have been all over Sportscenter, instead of being completely ignored:

5. Even if the US is completely upset and knocked out of the World Juniors, they should still play a final game against Canada after the gold medal game….I just like watching them get their asses whooped by the friendly neighbors from up North.

6. Scott Freeland should be required to submit a weekly quote on his team. Before he submits, somebody should get him riled up by talking about how big a ghetto Cleveland is, how Andy Kordyban flaked out on his wedding, or how Eric Staal is now on fire. Memorable quotes from Scott include “FUCK YOU,” “Who the fuck is Jonah anyways? Like I need another person's opinion on how awesome my Fantasy Hockey Team is doing on a weekly basis,” and the infamous “p.s. Merry fucking Christmas.” A talent like this should be encouraged and shared.

7. All trades should be public to the league when proposed, and each manager should be required to submit an opinion on the trade. A recent trade proposal that was heartily laughed at was from…wait for it, wait for it….Jesse Cook, manager of Anzoolander, offering Nicklas Backstrom, Anze Kopitar, and Tim Thomas for Pavel Datsyuk, Jeff Carter and Ilya Bryzgalov. Said Cole Ballard, manager of We still suck, “This is the same crappy deal from before except he added Thomas for Bryzgalov.” Steve McIntyre, manager for The Plumbers and an impartial observer to this trade commented “As a GM, Cook simply does not have a clue. Quote it.” Is it just me, or does Nicklas Backstrom bear a striking resemblance to Bah humbug BITCHES manager Scott Freeland?

8. If you miss the draft for the fantasy league, you pay double the entry fee. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop manager Mike Gaunt and WONDERS ON ICE manager Zach Gray both skipped the draft and let Yahoo! do its thing. They are currently 1 and 2 in the league, the rest of the managers are dumbasses.

9. Goals Against is a stupid category, it should be abolished. A team could have two goalies start 5 times, have 2 shutouts, 3 1 goal games and if the team they are playing has only one start where they allow only 2 goals, they lose that category. It is dumb.

10. If you miss the playoffs in any given fantasy year, you must present your case to the rest of the league on why you should be allowed to participate the following year. This should be done at a bar, and the presentations should include at the very least a slide show and a generous bar tab. Just a suggestion.