Before I thank Henry Kissinger, and before delivering my modest message, I feel obliged to alert college students, progressive academics and all other deeply sensitive souls that these words may contain phrases and ideas that challenge your prejudices. In other words, I formally declare this room an “unsafe space.”
Hello all, as we progress into the middle of the season, we enter the maybe phase. Maybe Dylan Larkin can shoot an an absurdly high unsustainable percentage for an entire season? Maybe Crosby has basically hit a metaphorical wall in his career and will never be better? Maybe Steven Stamkos will never truly be elite, just good? Maybe John Gibson is the starter going forward? Maybe Carey Price should just have the surgery?
Maybes cause managers to do “interesting” things. And by interesting, I mean stupid. Example include: Trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers In the Cage), trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers in the Cage), Trading for Jonas Hiller, the Ondrej Pavelec of last season when Ondrej Pavelec was overperforming (2014 – Flowers in the Cage). All teachable, laughable moments. You can’t blame a guy for trying, until after he has failed. Then you point and laugh.
Anyway.
1. Texans (4) –Wwhen a damn fine team loses to another damn fine team, the damn fine team that won is the best team in the league. That is this team. Healthy and getting a little help from unexpected places (the ghost!) when others drop off (Giordano). Goaltenders are finding their groove, this team is legit.
2. Philosopher Kings (3) – A damn fine team as well, but not as consistent or as deep as the Texans. Look for Martin Jones to falter a crucial time, it is feast or famine with that guy. No other goalie on this team plays enough or is actually that good at hockey. Tarasenko hurt with McDavid already out could also slow this team.
It is not a coincidence the two guys who work together and spend all day talking fantasy hockey are at the top. Seriously, does anyone know what these guys actually do for work?
3. Anzoolander (1) – The injury to Carey Price is going to drag on. While no surgery will bring him back sooner, we all saw how that went the last time. There are so many times you can have a used condom as your last line of defense (from personal experience, I would say four times), and this one is clearly about to break. Also, when a goalie goes on the IR because of the flu, that isn’t the flu, that is Ebola. Sucks that he has basically lost his starting job during the time.
4. Lokomotiv 2138 (2) – This team lost to the team with the worst record in the league last week, but in fairness, that team did score the second most points in the league. That came out of nowhere. This is probably one of the best chances of any season that GM Cole Ballard has had to win the Anze Cup, but one wonders when Tomas Plekanec, Thomas Vanek and Jeff Carter stop playing like their 2011 versions and more like their 2015 versions.
Sell high.
5. Super Sperm (6) – Like every year, solid team. Like every year, chances of winning are less than they were the year before. You never know, maybe a playoff run, but the depth on this team consists of young players who are showing they are young and their peak is a ways off. Also, no team will ever win the Anze Cup with Ryan Miller.
6. Kane & She Was Abel (8) – Proving racial diversity can work, even in sports mainly for Canadians, which are inherently racist. By the way, there is a new alcoholic beverage in Canada, and one of its ingredients, in big huge print, is kaffir limes. The word kaffir comes from Arabic, and essentially means non-Muslim, and was used to describe the Africans taken from their homeland as part of the Indian Ocean slave trade (which absolutely dwarfed the Africa-North America slave trade), the word is considered highly derogatory now and is worse than the word that shall not be spoken in the U.S. Ah, those Canadians, such a racist bunch. Now, the most liberal of Canadians will stand up and say “wait, how could we know that, it wasn’t intentional!” yet would be the first person to scream bloody murder if the Japanese came out with a sake infused with n!gger lemons.
Makrut limes. That is what the non-racist world calls them, Canada. Also, I CANNOT wait to try this new beverage, looks delightful.
7. Hatrick Swayze (9) – I expect this team to move up. Just as Anzoolander is an outlier in points versus shots on the high end, this team is an outlier on the low end (if you don’t think they are correlated, look at our stats this year, and historically. For this year, 4 of top 6 are identical in both categories). This team has to come around some time, or Todd has to do something out of panic. Either way, I am excited to watch.
8. Pistol’s Hellcats (5) – Lost to one of the worst teams in the league. Never beats a good team, barely scores any points each week. Lots of things wrong with this team, but don’t tell Pete that, let him go with that wild imagination he developed playing by himself as an only child who was short.
9. Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – Nobody has done less with more, and made more less. Well done.
10. Kanucks (11) – Can’t tell if Dave is less active because he is more busy or actually realizes his team isn’t that bad. Who am I kidding, he has ugly t-shirts to make, pictures of food to post on facebook, and terrible blog posts about competitive exercising (which is for people who are bad at sports) to publish.
11. Everett Silvertips (10) – By the end of this season, I expect this team to have touched every second rate goalie in the league in some form or fashion. Just change your team name to Charlie Sheen and seek treatment for the fantasy hockey AIDs you have.
12. Me So Vyborny (14) – 2nd in the league in points last week, starting to get healthy, spends zero time on the league, doesn’t do any trades, looking for a new job, moving cities, probably finish last.
13. Connor McSaviors (12) – It is no fun to bash this team, because GM Ryan Zupan inherited this train wreck. Oh who am I kidding, stop building your team out of players on the teams in northwestern Canada, they are all fucking toxic. You suck Zooperpylon.
14. ChingChong BingBongs (13) – Home is where the heart is. You are better off watching this video, which I will have on repeat on my TV all Christmas holiday, then spending anymore time thinking about this team.
Thank you all. And thank you Ron Swanson. JM.
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