The Champion’s Message, Finally.

Every year, as is tradition, the champion of our league addresses all the losers. Our current champion, Hatrick Swayze’s Todd Toothill, did as much as that in April. However, I am have been tardy in posting it, because I don’t have time and have lost interest in this blog and league. So, without further adieu, here is Todd’s deep thoughts:

Sweet Victory indeed. Each and every one of you should be very proud of your accomplishment this year. You battled hard all year, and in the end, was a very successful season.

I’m of course talking to the players on the Championship roster of Hatrick Swayze, and not you loser GMs. You guys are terrible.

As I reflect on the year it was, the path to winning pretty much followed my path in life. That is, do the absolute least to get the absolute most. The definition of Value Based Success:

• Overtake the Chumps in the final week of the season for First place; Just enough.
• Nudge out the Silverchips in round 1 with an 8-6 victory, losing G,A,P,+/-,PPG,PPA; Just enough.
• Beat Anzepoolander on the final day of the semis 8-5, losing every goalie category except starts; Just enough.
• And in the finals, inching by on meaningless categories to secure victory 8-4;

Just enough.

Imagine if I put any time and effort into this thing at all, what we could accomplish? 9-3! 10-2! Sky’s the limit I say, but please GMs, continue doing what you’re doing as I much prefer to win in the style I’ve become accustomed to. And by the way, I know what you’re thinking. Thinking of calling me the “L” word. But you’re wrong, it’s not lazy, it’s selective participation.

As I was looking for inspiration in writing this Champion’s Message, I happened to take a gander at last year’s message. As I waded through the grammar inconsistencies and lack of parallel structure, I happened across this little nugget:

“*Side note: It makes me wonder what the over/under would be on when the most confident fantasy hockey GM ever to grace us with his presence  wins his first Anze Cup; When can GM Hattrick Swayze put together a winning team, or will he just continue with the trend of playing with fantasy AIDS? #winning” 

The answer, Luke, is Under. The fastest GM victory in the history of Puck Yourself from start date (not including the first 4 years of the league of course). Suck on that, and for fuck sakes, can you please find yourself a good team name. How about this one:

And, as I make my way off the parade float, some parting shots to a few of my fellow Puck Yourself combatants:

ChingChongBingBong: Hey! Look at you! You made your first post season appearance in a decade (or more??)! Thanks to that stellar couple of weeks that Markstrom got you, you made it in. And if I recall correctly, that was a trade that you and I made. So while other GM’s (Luke) take advantage of the meek, your champion boosts them up. You’re welcome, Bert, for helping you achieve your goals. And you’re also welcome, rest of league, for creating parity.

Everett Silvertips: Thanks for all you do in running this great league. Kudos on a job…done.

Hellcunts: Jesus what happened to you. No really, what happened. You used to be fun. Now you’re just, done.

Philosopher Mcdavid Chumps: Somebody help this team find a name. Anybody. Can’t wait for the lunch. Where in Vancouver can you get Wagyu Steak again?

Anzepoolander: Ape.

All jokes aside, thanks for letting me be part of this league, it’s a ton of fun with awesome owners, and I look forward to doing next to nothing next year whilst sipping from the Anze Cup!!

Swayze out.

Great stuff.

JM