Happy trade deadline day everyone! We had some fast and furious action by some teams in the last few days which added some excitement to the league. Unfortunately, almost nobody in the playoffs did anything of substance, which means they are hoping their current team is enough. It isn’t. Lets take a look at this week’s rankings.
1. Bizzarohawks (1)
2. Kanucks (3)
3. Super Sperm (9)
4. Everett Silvertips (4)
5. Flower’s In the Cage (2)
6. Crosby’s Concussions (6)
7. Anzoolander (5)
8. Captain Chinese (7)
9. Texans (8)
10. Not Poodle!!! (10)
11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)
12. Dr. Hook (12)
13. Jesse Loves Paymon (14)
14. Me So Vyborny (13)
Some thoughts:
1. Super sperm is peaking too early. And their GM, Ryan Schauble, is too bad to realize this.
2. After having a couple flights in coach (shudder), I am back in first class. And drunk. Life is grand.
3. After being labeled as the worst GM ever, Jesse Love Paymon’s GM Steve McIntyre traded awesome, long term talent for a guy with a concussion and a guy who can’t play more than 10 games without something breaking and a guy who sucks as a goalie on a shitty team. It isn’t irony, it is just further evidence.
4. Said GM Jesse Cook of the Bizzarohawks of the recent moves by JLP. “They should be required to change their name, as neither myself or Paymon should be associated with that train wreck of a team.”
5. I chuckled when I heard that.
6. Sean Stock is co-GMing Super Sperm. So far, I have heard nothing from him. I can only imagine it is because he is panicking after getting his cock stuck in Schauble’s ear.
7. Just kidding Sean Stock, I love you. No I don’t, go fuck yourself. Steve says you suck as a commissioner.
8. His words, not mine.
9. Both Anzoolander and Captain Chinese are suffering from goaltender malaise in St. Louis. This is actually a big deal for both, because both have a pretty decent team (except for Captain Chinese) and the lack of two quality goaltenders may hurt their chances at making the playoffs. I expect one of the two to come back and be a stud during the playoffs, but in the meantime, to ensure they actually made the playoffs and had a shot at the Anze Cup (moment of silence, holy angels sound), they should have shored up that position in the short term. Both were offered Jake Allen, and both passed. Jake Allen just got a shutout. Somewhere, GM Court Watson is chuckling.
10. Still chuckling.
11. GM Cole Ballard made a move that just boggles me. I am too lazy to look up his spelling, so I will just go by my nickname for him, but Paved Vag, the goalie for the Atlanta Thrashers, is just awful.
12. The fact it took so long for GM Matt Meier to even agree to that trade shows why he is last.
13. This might not be the year for Flowers of the Cage, just like every year. Then again, it might be. I am rooting for this team.
14. Kanucks absolutely trade raped Jesse Loves Paymon. I could not be more bullish on this team. The trade rape is even better because GM Dave Kitchen is a crossfit trainer, so you know he is gay, which means he enjoyed raping his brother in law on multiple levels.
15. See my advanced breakdown of the trade here:
16. Chris Kunitz is either right behind Steven Stamkos or tied with him for most goals scored. Kids, this is a perfect example of not selling high and trading him to preserve your team long term. Take note.
17. In all seriousness, for fucks sakes Dr. Hook, do something to be a fantasy team with more than two players.
18. It is amazing the number of people who would rather have a first round draft pick, which is technically the seventh round, versus guarantee a top 3 player on their team.
19. No wonder one team has four championships.
20. Remember that time when Bizzarohawks Scott Freeland ripped into me for making fun of him trading Brian Elliot, and then Elliot almost won the Vezina the next year?
21. Good times.
22. The first side bet of the league was made a few weeks ago; where Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson and Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble put 20 down on who would have more points by season end (barring injury); Jeff Carter or Brad Boyes. This stems from a trade offer, where Brad Boyes and a 4th rounder was offered for Carter and a 6th rounder, because lets be serious, neither is a keeper, unless you are Schauble and are really bad at fantasy hockey.
23. Spoke to a couple of GMs who didn’t want to be named. They said the two teams they are most scared of are Super Sperm and the Everett Silvertips. Super Sperm because there is a chance that being clueless could pay off, Everett Silvertips because of the depth and shrewdness of the GM. All GMs laughed for an extended period of time when asked about Jesse Loves Paymon.
24. That includes Steve McIntyre, who asked to be anonymous.
25. The meal in first class was exceptional tonight. Almost as good as the eleventy Crown and ginger ales.
26. For a brief stint, Paul Bissonnette made it on a the roster of a team in this league. In Anzoolander’s defense, he was on a point streak, but that quickly disappeared after GM Jesse Cook chirped “Biznasty” on twitter:
27. If you are asking why Jesse would call himself Tom on Twitter, wouldn’t you if you were gay AND a Canucks fan?
28. I am super annoyed at how many different radio stations play the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore. All different genres. They are ruining it. Ruiners.
29. I keep seeing everyone getting all excited about a defensemen getting forward eligibility for fantasy hockey. Why? Who wants to put a defensemen in a forward slot? Is that really your best option? Are people that bad at this?
30. Jesse Loves Paymon, Anzoolander, Me So Vyborney, Not Poodle!!, Dr. Hook, Pistol’s Hellcats; who are teams that will be golfing in three weeks.
