Power Rankings: Week 7

Holy shit, we are a third of the way into the season.  Time sure does fly when you are having fun, huh?  Well, see you later.

But seriously, lets first take a moment to acknowledge a GM who departed the league this year; Scott Freeland (worth the watch, brings back lots of memories) of the Bizarrohawks.  One of the Original 3 in this league, he will be missed.  Perhaps he is best remember for his periodic rants, which include awesome thoughts such as this:

The league took on a whole new level of seriousness with the introduction of Joe McGrath writing opinions on the league and creating a weekly power ranking. What could be better than having some imaginary asshole critiquing your team on a weekly basis, all of your moves and trades dissected like pre-med student on a cadaver? Nothing! Thanks for wasting your time Joe, reporting on the greatest fantasy hockey league this season. I’ll miss your witty comments and your gift of pointing out the obvious.

We will miss you Scott, and I leave you with some poetry from the greatest rapper of all time (how is east coast west coast even a debate?).  This song and video are basically how Scott and I grew up on the streets of Richmond:

I will miss you.

Once you have wiped the tears away, please welcome our newest GM, taking over the Bizarrohawks (and keeping the team name out of respect, which is instant good karma), I introduce Luke MacKinnon.  Luke also became a man on the streets of Richmond, which was much harder to do back then before all the rub and tugs showed up on No. 3 road.  If anything, Luke has renewed a sense of passion and urgency in this league, even if it was through posting wildly inaccurate power rankings.  He is even trying to spread the good word on the league.  Here he is talking to two people, not realizing that fantasy hockey is like your golf game or your kids; nobody but you really cares.


Literally, in this picture you see Luke talking about his fantasy hockey team, two guys who could not care less about anything Luke is saying, and then the guy in the foreground trying to get Paymon to fuck him.

Without further adieu, I bring you the power rankings for this week.

1.  Pistol’s Hellcats – This team is on a blistering pace on offense, largely given to GM Pete Shpak’s amazing amount of free time because he is a realtor ability to quickly pick up players at the start of their hot streak.  Then having Filip Forsberg come out of nowhere, and the likes of Nick Bjugstad (wtf?) has helped keep this team’s offense roaring.  But probably the best thing to happen to this team is the absolute gift of Jeff Skinner and Matt Duchene acquired in a trade from the Kanucks.  What a mind-boggling trade, that gave this team two players who will fight for individual trophies for years to come for…I can’t even remember who the fuck they were traded for.  That kind of luck only comes once in a blue moon, and I can only assume it is to offset Pete’s recent bad luck (side note: “congratulations” on getting engaged and joining the dumbest club on the planet.).  The weakness on this team is goalies.  Lundqvist is overplayed, and Holtby really isn’t that good.  They will let this team down come playoff time.  Write that down.

2.  Anzoolander – After years of being fucked by Brian “The Wall” Elliot, GM Jesse Cook may have finally gotten his big break, as the Wall went down tonight and Jake Allen may be the starter for the forseeable future.  Ignore the fact his numbers have been awful as of late, this may be the goalie this team needs to get it back into the Anze Cup finals.  This team is fairly solid in its starting lineup, but quite shallow on offense given the stable of goalies being held by this team.  I think we might see a trade or two before the deadline from this team, as this team needs something to avoid getting booted early from the playoffs.

3.  Super Sperm – Once again this team sits at or near the top of the standings, and this team is solid again, but is it any better than the team the last couple of years that consistently falls short?  I think it might be worse, especially when I look at goalies.  Beyond Rinne, this is easily the worst group of goalies on any team (check out last 14 days on these clowns…awful).  Team management has always been an issue for this team, and you can usually tell when Sean Stock is managing the team versus Ryan Schauble (hint:  the team is winning), but some curious lineup changes tend to hurt this team.  Case in point, Reilly Smith, with no points and minus 5 in the last 14 days is starting while Alex Galchenyuk has 6 points in the same time frame.  Both are playing two games this week, but Galchenyuk is playing Buffalo, which is a terrible team.  Seems odd.  And dumb (yes I realize Galchenyuk is not RW eligible but just put Pavelski in at RW and Galchenyuk in at C).  Morale of the story:  Schauble will sabotage his own team somehow.

4.  Flowers in the Cage – Riding super hot goalies (finally, the Jets realized Pavelec is not a starting NHL goaltender and got someone in there with talent), this team could be a force, if it fixes its roster of benched goalies who look like the island of misfit toys.

Also, why Thornton is ever healthy and on the bench is a mystery to me.  But I am sure Cole knows what he is doing, given his track record.

5.  3rd and Luongo to Go – First, big hats off to GM Mike Gaunt, and being a cancer survivor for two years now.  You can donate to his Movember campaign here.   This team is under the radar, but a lot of these players are consistent, and consistent is great in the playoffs.  Also, it will be fun to watch Luongo put up stats just like the last time he was in Florida, and this team will win in starts, get crushed in wins and GAA, and win in save percentage as Luongo just gets shelled on a nightly basis.  Luckily, this team also has soon to be permanent starter for the Buffalo Sabres, Jonas Enroth, who is in an even worse situation than Luongo.  So there is that.

6.  Everett Silvertips – Some big moves by this team in an effort to shake things up and not repeat last season.  Dealing the best goalie in the league was a sign this team means business, but GM Court Watson made the fatal mistake of getting a goalie in return that is goddamn awful and plays for a shitty team.  A lot of moves haven’t paid off, with 3 of the 4 starting d-men starting the season on PP1 and being relegated to PP2 or off the powerplay entirely, and some of his keepers look like they might not pan out.  There is a ton of talent on this team still, the question is whether or not the streakiness will kill their chances of making the playoffs.

7.  Bizarrohawks – Current position in the standings is primarily driven by playing the bottom of the league the last four weeks.  Against top talent, this team wilted, and was crushed in one of the worst losses by any team this season.  This team has been led by the stellar performance of Vladimir Tarasenko and Mark Giordano, as well as solid goaltending play.  Tarasenko is quickly becoming known for his highlight real goals, like this one:

Real nice, Clark.

However, if highlight reel goals mattered, Linus Omark would be fought over.

So good, yet so bad.

The bigger concern should be regression to the mean.  Case in point, Tarasenko himself

May be time to sell high on that and shore up your team a bit.  Maybe ask the Everett Silvertips or Super Sperm what they want for him, since one drafted him his rookie season and the other held on to him for way to long while he did dick all season (but neither is bitter right now).

8.  Kanucks – I am sure GM Dave Kitchen received some sort of stupid medal from Yahoo! for “wheeling and dealing” or something moronic like that, but some his of trades have destroyed what initially started out as a very good team.   Looks like all that crossfitting has introduced Dave’s brain to Uncle Rhabdo.  Also, why are so many crossfitters fat?  What the hell is the point of working out if you are still fat?  Who the fuck needs functional strength in this day and age, are you carrying a moose out of the bush to put food on your table?  You wear a suit, you sit at a desk, shut the fuck up about your functional strength.

9.  Texans – Congrats to GM Chris Thomas on having a cool little kid (with a penis!  boys rule!) recently.  Expect this team to go to shit.  Also, Cory Schneider plays way too much and John Gibson doesn’t play enough (and when he does, he is a bandaid).  Goalies will plague this team, potentially for years to come.

10.  Halifax Highlanders – This team in theory has arguably the best player and arguably the best goalie in the NHL, but sits second to last.  Injury and lack of depth account for that.  Also, the hope that Semyon Varlamov could put up the absurd numbers he did last year with such horrible puck possession stats from the team in front of him was a reach, and it doesn’t look good so far this year.  There are some talented names on this roster and I don’t really know the answer.  When in doubt, tinker until you find something that works.

11.  Me So Vyborny – Has made some decent moves in the offseason and during the season, and currently has two players sitting in the top ten in scoring.  The issue is that after that, not much else is happening with this team on offense, and the goalies aren’t very good.  Considering what this team finished off with last year, they are improved for sure, but it will be a few years of solid drafting and trading before this team competes consistently.

12.  Jesse Loves Paymon – When you consistently over value your own players and refuse to sell high, you end up terrible.  Like this team!  Similar to not trading Cory Conacher when hot (is he even still in the league?) he now holds onto player who started out hot and is now dead cold in Andre Burakovsky.  Also drastically over values his goalies, two of whom replaced as starter in the next 3 years, and his old broken players (Ryan Kesler) because of unfounded biases deep with GM Steve McIntyre’s tiny brain.  Good luck this season.

13.  Not Poodle!!! – The players on the bench are outperforming the players in the starting lineup (Lucic is awful, btw).  Didn’t help this team was late to pay and had their roster locked for a few weeks.  Maybe set a calendar reminder to set your roster for the upcoming week each Friday afternoon?  Do that and I would guarantee a jump in the standings of at least 3 spots, this team is not that bad.  Except for Mike Smith.  He is really bad, and Double D is taking his starting job.

14.  ChingChong Bing Bong – The reason this team sits here is that they are last in scoring by a country mile.  Awful.  Though oddly, I think this team has some really good young talent, just not enough of it and not deep enough.  I do think this team will bounce back a bit going forward.
Best of luck going forward.  I have no idea when I will have time again to do this.  I love all of you.

Season Preview

The draft is over, only one fuck up by Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre, but other than that, everything went pretty well.  Kudos to Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook for participating in the draft in the lobby of an opera, Carmen.  Also, any show about a whore that doesn’t show a lot of fucking is not worth watching.  So Jesse, you are welcome for the excuse to step out.

Lets take a look at each team and where I think they are going to end up.  I am never wrong.

Halifax Highlanders – Not David Dugan’s best effort.  In fact, not anyone’s best effort, even Slappy the retarded squirrel who absent mindedly masturbates.  This team relies on Sidney Crosby, Claude Giroux and….that is about it.  The goalies are old, are were a total statistical anomaly last year (the entire Avalanche franchise was, if you look at possession of the puck as a big thing, which you should, because the Maple Leafs hired a 28 year old as assistant GM to look at crap like that and the Oilers hired a blogger (side note: big mistake that blogger wasn’t me)).  One bright spot may be Cam Talbot, because Henrik Lundqvist doesn’t have much longer.  To live.  He is super old.  Prediction:  Dead ass last and heavy favorite in the Connor McDavid sweepstakes.

Texans – The only team in the league without a 30 goal scorer from last season, and only one clear starter in net.  While I think there is a lot of youthful talent on this team, there aren’t any dominant players (yet).  Don’t think this year will be pretty.  Prediction:  13th, also know as second last.

Kanucks – Why say anything when I can just show you how the season started before it started:

wobble wobble

From Rocket Richard to even playing this season, my how the conversation has changed.  Nothing else memorable exists on this team, which gave away its best player in a preseason trade.  Prediction:  12th, which is a personal best for GM Dave Kitchen

Anzoolander – The lowest number of players with 20 goal scorers and players with 60 points, even with Stamkos back this team may struggle offensively.  Goalies are a question mark, either health wise or playing time wise; John Gibson getting the start on opening night does not bode well for this team.  It isn’t uncommon for teams in the Anze Cup finals to miss the playoffs the following year, and I think this may be that team that regresses.  Prediction:  11th, and on the bright side, the team’s finish is higher than Jesse’s IQ of 10.

Me So Vyborny – Think this team is slowly (like Madmen slowly) coming of age.  Eight 20 goal scorers make this offense much improved this season, but the goalies are a huge question mark.  Think this team might show some signs of life, but GM Matt Meier will probably fuck it up by not adjusting his roster each week, as per usual.  Prediction:  In spite of Matt, still able to finish 10th.  Also a career best finish.

Everett Silvertips – While this team has by far and away the best goalies in the league (seriously, the average starting goalie GAA from 2013-14 for this team is stupid), there are way, way to many question marks on this team which need all of them to pay off for this team to compete.  Don’t see that happening, given GM Court Watson’s skill (or major lack thereof) in the draft, and anticipate this team will miss the playoffs for the second season in a row and everyone will be able to point and laugh at the collapse of a once mighty franchise all because Court is a shitty GM.  You suck Court.  Prediction: 9th, you suck Court.

ChingChong BingBongs – I had to re-rank every team in this league after looking at this team.  I can’t think of one thing I like, but don’t really see one thing I hate.  Watch Heatley end up with Perry and Getzlaf and have a career year.  That would sum up this team.  Prediction:  8th.  Eeeks into playoffs.  Promptly loses.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Old.  And mediocre.  No player stands out here as a dynamic offensive threat (at least this year).  This is a team of complementary players which will do alright, but not enough to get the job done.  How about Cory Conacher.  Going from Steve refusing to trade him when he was hot (his advanced stats were awful) to being cut from the Buffalo Sabres (the worst team in hockey) this preseason, not sitting on this team.  Well done Pete (and Steve).  Goalies are mediocre at best, terrible at worst.  See this team giving a college try, but ultimately not doing much.  Prediction:  7th.  Limps into playoffs, gets kicked out in the first round, and GM Pete Shpak regrets not drinking more out of the Anze Cup when he had hit.

Not Poodle! – Think goalies carry this team.  Pretty far actually.  Offense is just good enough to keep this team alive.  Last season’s rookie Valeri Nichushkin might be the best second year player in the league this year, and the immortal Martin St. Louis will continue to produce.  Prediction: 6th.  Still not very good, but great for Fatty.

Super Sperm – GM Ryan Schauble made an incredibly smart move by bringing in Sean Stock to draft this team given Sean’s ability to carry this team to the playoffs and make them a force year after year.   However, I think that strategy backfired this year.  While this team is stacked offensively, this team easily, easily, has the worst stable of goaltenders in the league.  There are 30 teams in the NHL, and 29 of them have a backup goalie better than Ondrej Pavelec.  The only team that doesn’t is Winnipeg.  PEG CITY.  Prediction:  5th.  Offense carries them into the playoffs, but an off week knocks them out in the second round.

Bizzarohawks – Solid young goaltending, solid young offense.  Really, the worry here is how GM Scott Freeland might fuck it up.  Not setting his roster week 1 is a good start.  Bishop might be exceptional this year, and Max Pacioretty might have a dynamite year as well.  Prediction:  4th.  Team doesn’t quite have the jam to go further than the second round.

Jesse Loves Paymon – Scoring Couture for cheap was huge; look for that guy to make a run at Rocket Richard this season.  Solid roster top to bottom, with the biggest question being the second goalie.  Don’t think Jimmy Howard, or team in front of him, is very good.  However, I think that will be mitigated for the most part all season.  Prediction:  3rd.  Howard fucks this team, eventually.

Third and Luongo to go – The Borg returns!  Ten 20 goal scorers from last season and I think Luongo has a resurgence of sorts down in sunny Florida.  Also, it shows how tolerant I am by rating this team so highly.  Prediction:  2nd.  Annoying everyone.

Flowers in the Cage – Very talented young goalies looking to define themselves this year.  Diverse lineup of both young and old skill players, having the most players with 60 points or more last season.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present your preseason favorite to win the Anze Cup.  Prediction:  1st.  Think this team has the goods, and through a bit of luck and some good management by GM Cole Ballard, think this team can win it all and Cole Ballard can sip his beverage of choice watching his Seahawks every Sunday next year.

Good luck gentlemen, and remember to set your rosters.  Also, remember to pay.  If you don’t pay by end of day tomorrow, you won’t be able to set your starters, drop, trade, add players, do anything.

We Are Live

Hello all!  The league is officially back.  If you didn’t get the invite email, well, it went to the email you have registered with Yahoo!  So check that email.  Idiot.

The trades and transactions and draft order have been updated here so you can see who has which picks and how trades during the year impacted draft order.  PLEASE REMEMBER IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ENSURE THE ACCURACY OF THE DRAFT ORDER AFTER ADJUSTING FOR TRADES.  IF YOU DON’T LOOK AT IT AND IT TURNS OUT WRONG BUT IS TOO LATE TO CHANGE, WELL THEN FUCK YOU.

You can see the updated draft order and trade listing here.

You will note there are now two more rounds in the draft.  As discussed, this is because two more starting Defensemen positions have been added.

Here are the five times that the draft may be scheduled (all in Pacific Standard Time). 

Friday, October 3 at 5 am

Friday, October 3 at 9 pm

Saturday, October 4 at 5 am

Saturday, October 4 at 9 pm

Sunday, October 5 at 5 am

Please email me at puckyourself at live dot com with your ranking of the times from most preferred to least preferred.   You must email by Thursday, September 25 with your list of times or you have no say.  Also, realize that no time is perfect for everyone, so I don’t care about your feedback on the times available.  At all.  Ah, compromise, like when 10 people draw a horse and it ends up looking more like a camel.  Just stop fucking complaining, poor yourself a drink, sit on your left hand to numb it, then jerk off with that hand while you draft so you get the delight of drafting your fantasy hockey team while giving yourself the ‘Stranger’.

Also, new this year is the ability to set your keepers directly in Yahoo!  The date to declare keepers will be 3 days before the date that is ultimately decided to be the draft.  I don’t really totally know how this is going to work yet, but fuck it, lets roll with it.  Once submitted I can set the final draft in the system (I hope).  Don’t get cute and try to keep more than allowed, for the love of god.

Below is what is owed for league dues this year.  This includes outstanding amounts from last year (either due to transactions, or you had a credit from winning something last year).  Payment is due by October 8, 2014.  Failure to pay means you won’t be able to adjust your roster.  Failure to pay by November 1 means your team is seized by the league and given to someone else who is on our league waiting list.   All payments should go through paypal to puckyourself at live dot com, amounts owed are in USD and payer is responsible for any transaction fees.

Anzoolander	65.09
Bizarrohawks	62.00
Captain Chinese	66.00
Dr. Hook	61.11
Everett Silvertips	72.00
Flowers In The Cage	69.50
Halifax Highlanders	60.00
Jesse loves Paymon	65.00
Kanucks	65.00
Me So Vyborny	65.50
Not Poodle!!!	62.50
Pistol's Hellcats	16.53
Super Sperm	43.77
Texans	66.00

We already have two trades approved this week, excited to see the action getting started again.

JM

2014-2015 League Changes

Hello all!  The Commissioner’s meeting finally happened (about goddamn time) and there are a couple of changes that are being put in place this year.  One not so impactful, the other one is a pretty big change that will impact your strategery.

League Fees

On a unanimous vote, the commissioners decided to increase league fees to $60.  The fees currently do not represent the prestige and exclusivity of such a fine league, and an increase gets us closer to the right amount.

Lineup additions

On a 2-1 vote, the commissioners decided to increase the number of roster active lineup spots by two, adding two more d-man positions.  This allows for team starting rosters to better reflect two full lines of a real hockey team (not considering utility).  As a result, the total roster size will also increase by two.

Keeper changes

The commissioners discussed whether adding two more roster spots for additional d-men warranted adding an additional d-man specific keeper spot effective AFTER this upcoming season, changing the total keepers to a potential of 8 (6 regular keepers, one d-man keeper and one rookie keeper).  By a vote of 2-1 the commissioners voted NOT to adjust keeper settings.

Other than calling each other cock gobblers, nothing else happened in the meeting.  Steve McIntyre or Jesse Loves Paymon did guarantee victory every time his team plays Anzoolander, but that is pretty much it.

Feel free to comment on changes below; I assure you the commissioners don’t care what you think.  Especially you Schauble.

2013-2014 Awards Voting

As we get ready for the 2014-2015 season (more on that later today), now is the perfect time to vote on the 2014-2015 award winners.  Some new faces as nominees in each category, so lets get straight to it.

Jack Adams award

As you will recall, this award goes to the best fantasy hockey GM in our league, as judged by his/her peers.  The nominees are:

Pete Shpak, Pistol’s Hellcats – The only thing you ever need on your resume is on his, the Anze Cup champion.  Has a solid team, made a few good moves, and had a bit of luck, and ended up on top.  Longevity of his team may be in doubt, but last year, he was the best.

Jesse Cook, Anzoolander – A good run that fell short in a predictable way; going with an old goalie late in the season.  One could argue trading for Miller got him to the finals, and one could argue it cost him the finals.  Either way, Jesse is one of the most active GMs in the league and his moves got him to final.  Of course, you could also argue he has to be active because he is terrible at drafting.  You decide.

Sean Stock, Super Sperm – Since joining Super Sperm as a GM, this team has consistently been one of the favorites.  While it has yet to win the big one, his ability to keep this team in the league elite has been impressive.

Eugene Adams award

As you will recall, this award goes to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his/her team’s failure.  Quite a group of misfits we have this year:

Ryan Schauble, Super Sperm – insiders say the decisions made by Ryan are the sole reason that Super Sperm has never one the big one.  When you listen to him argue who is and isn’t a keeper (obv), it pretty much confirms this.  And he spells fuck wrong on a consistent basis, which further supports idiocy

Dave Kitchen, Kanucks – Like Jesse, one of the most active general managers in the league, however unlike Jesse, he can’t get out of the cellar.  His choices are bad.  I mean, seriously, all you do it watch people get good at exercising.  Figure out fantasy hockey.

Matt Meier, Me So Vyborny – The level of mediocrity this team exhibits is nothing short of astounding.  Outsiders are hopeful moving to a hockey town will change this team’s prospects.  Matt has once described his strategy as follows; “when someone offers a trade to me, I ask what Cole (Ballard) and Court (Watson) think.  I always end up going with what Cole thinks.”  Explains everything.

Andy Kordyban award

As you will recall, this award goes to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to be the biggest clown.  Aptly named, and usually won by Jesse Cook.  Here are this year’s nominees:

Court Watson – After back to back championships, missed the playoffs with a loss in the final week.  All but disappeared from fantasy hockey, but still pretends like he knows what he talking about.  Embarrassing and terrible all at once

Jesse Cook – Nobody is more vocal about how good his team his before they actually are good, and gets everyone thoroughly laughing at him and not with him.  He is a two time recipient for a reason

Matt Welsh – If you recall the start of the season, he traded for people then dropped them, and gave away good players for plugs.  If his moves were so absurdly clownish, he would be up for Eugene Adams, but this year was so bad for him he not eligible for that award.

There you have it.  Please vote in the polls on the sidebar, and thank you for all that you do.

The Draft Lottery

Hello fucktards.  The draft lottery was finally completed.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand without further adieu, here is the draft order. 

1	Kanucks
2	Milton Icehawks
3	Me So Vyborny
4	Texans
5	Ching Chong BingBongs
6	Not Poodle!!!
7	Jesse Loves Paymon
8	The Blackhawks
9	Bizzarohawks
10	Halifax Highlanders
11	Super Sperk
12	Flowers in the Cage
13	Anzoolander
14	Pistol's Hellcats

And for those of you screaming bloody murder, even though it was done the exact same way last year you just didn’t care because you were ok with your pick, which makes you a massive hypocrite, like anyone still owning an Adrian Peterson jersey, here is the video of the lottery.

The most boring 6 minutes of your life.

So, everyone knows their draft pick, trade away?  Already hearing rumblings about some moves, could be a solid offseason; though not sure why people haven’t made trades already.

If you don’t know how to look at last year’s roster by now, tough luck, since I tell people how to do it every year.  It isn’t hard, so I don’t feel all that bad if I don’t explain it again.

Commissioner meeting still hasn’t happened, but first order of business is to discuss a league fees increase.  It is coming, caveat emptor.

Game on.

JM

A new Anze Cup Champion

First, happy Easter;

She has such a great personality

What a Cup.  It came down the last day, and as seems to be the recurring trend, the oldest goaltender in the final took a break mentally the last week and completely fucked over its team.  This year, it was Anzoolander on the losing end.  Pistol’s Hellcats, in it’s second finals in four years, took home it’s first Anze Cup and showed that this team is a continuing force to reckon with, and not one of the loser teams who have never won a cup. 

And now, a note from Pistol’s Hellcats GM Pete Shpak, on his win:

As the 2014 champion of the coveted Anze Cup, I am humbled and honored.  I would like to take this moment to thank employee #250822 for all you do to make this league what it is...I would also like to say you suck; Not only did you not make the playoffs, you went 0-3 in picking the outcome of the all mighty Hellcats. I would also like to thank my opponent for a valiant match.and for trading me the player that provided me with a shutout this final week...that must sting a little.  Miller really fucked you. 

I respect all of you greatly for the continued support of this elite league and I will treat the cup like the brother I never had over the next year. 

And I will store it on a low shelf so I can reach it easily. 

Thank you gentlemen.

Thanks all for a great season.  As a reminder, everyone can now trade to their hearts content in the offseason (pending commissioner approval, of course) and look for the draft lottery results and awards nominations coming out in the next couple of weeks.

Also, for future seasons, I strongly recommend you don’t get a crew from China to give you fantasy hockey strategy; they don’t have much hockey there and unlike intellectual property, you can’t steal the Anze Cup.  Nice Chandler Bing smile.

Until next time.

JM

It All Comes Down to This

Here we are.  The Anze Cup Finals.  The holy grail of fantasy sports.  Coveted by all, obtained by so few.  Last week saw a shocking turn of events, with the Blackhawks looking like they were in the finals as we went to bed Sunday night (some of us, named Jesse, with Paymon) only to have a STAT CORRECTION CHANGE A MATCH SO DRAMATICALLY THAT PISTOL’S HELLCATS MADE THE FINALS.  I don’t know about anyone else, but the first thing I thought when I saw on Monday that Blackhawks had been eliminated was “holy shit.”

Which brings us to a conversation had between two GMs in this league on March 19, 2014;

Pete Shpak:  Stop the league, I win.

Court Watson:  I think Cook will win actually.  Did they have enough booster seats at the restaurant so that you were able to get one and sit at the same height as normal sized people?

And now, here we are, Anzoolander versus Pistol Hellcats.  Jesse Cook versus the guy who has hero-worshipped Cook since he first gazed at Cook’s massive chin at the Boathouse, Pete Shpak.   Let’s take a look at the matchup:

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 4.  Anzoolander – The Hellcat’s snuck into the finals by the skin of their teeth, and really didn’t have a significant challenge on the road to the Cup.  Anzoolander had what was expected to be a battle this past week, but a dominating performance coupled with some managerial mistakes by Super Sperm made for a bit of a yawner.    Due to the Hellcat’s not expecting to be in the finals, they failed to make a roster change, which was moving their hottest player into the active roster.  This could be key, as the Hellcat’s offense was asleep last week.  That, coupled with an active roster spot being used on a player sitting out the remainder of the season, and absolutely terrible goaltenders, makes Pistol’s Hellcats the heavy underdog in this matchup.  

When you look at this matchup in detail, the first thing that jumps out at you is that the Hellcats have no players whose teams are on the playoff bubble and will be playing with wild abandon to make the playoffs.  On the other hand, Columbus, Dallas and Detroit are all fighting for the last playoff spots in their conferences, and Anzoolander has 4 active players from those teams.  In my mind, that will be the difference maker, and that will push Anzoolander and GM Jesse Cook into immortality as an Anze Cup Champion.  That, and his team is way more talented than Pistol’s Hellcats.

Prediction:  Anzoolander loses its Anze Cup virginity the right way, with a win, and Pistol Hellcat’s goes home after being abused for a sloppy second time.  Anzoolander wins, 8-4.  But don’t worry, the shrine with Jesse, with voodoo dolls and all, will still go up at Pete’s new place at Canvas by Omni (it was a non-negotiable part of his recent engagement, from what I am told).

Good luck gentlemen, and god speed.

JM

The Semifinals

If we could make the league playoff format like the NHL, I would, just to call this the Conference Finals, because the Semifinals sounds like something from Court’s house league soccer days.

Last week’s predictions – 3-1

In case you missed last week, you really didn’t miss much.  The teams that were terrible and slipped in solely because better teams fought injuries all year were absolutely embarrassed in the first round.  I mean like Hugh Grant with a male hooker embarrassed.  Terrible.

In a reversal of every year in this league prior to this one, we have three teams from the Prince of Wales conference left and one team from the Clarence Campbell conference.  When I look at the two matchups, I see parallels to this year’s NFL playoffs, where one side is actually the real Super Bowl, and the other is just a side show.

1. Super Sperm vs. 4. Anzoolander – Like the Seattle Seahawks versus the San Francisco fucktards 49ers, this is the real championship in my mind.  Both teams are stacked, and both have the same weakness; terribly suspect goaltending.  Anzoolander is easily the hotter team over the past couple of weeks, with the return of steroid Stamkos and the emergence of Gustav Nyquist (side note: his current pace is not sustainable, but he only needs to keep going a little longer).  When If Anzoolander wins the Anze Cup, will this be like the San Francisco Giants winning with Barry Bonds?  Will there be an asterisk beside this title?  You can’t help the lingering feeling of doubt when someone has their leg severed at the hip comes back twice as fast as the expected recovery time was.  Something just doesn’t seem right, like cheater Adrian Peterson in the NFL.

Prediction:  Jesse Cook and Team Balco move on as Sean Stock’s absolutely horrible goaltending selection this week gets laughed off the ice, 7-4.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 2. Blackhawks – This match is an afterthought really, when compared to the first match, with the Blackhawks slipping in on blind luck.  I fail to see a team whose best offensive player is a d-man moving on, but when the team you are playing is so mediocre, who the hell knows what will happen.

Prediction:  Blackhawks continue their sheer fluke path to the Anze Cup, and somehow Edward Lack is a deciding in determining who will be this year’s Anze Cup Champion.  Blackhawks win 6-5.

Godspeed gentlemen.  You too, Pistol.

Playoffs!

Hello all, I apologize for the absence; I have made the regrettable mistake of being not terrible at my job, which means they ask me to do more work.  I have failed to achieve the perfect mix of success and laziness that I desire.  The backup quarterback is pretty much my idol.

That being said, we simply must have an analysis of the playoffs, so lets dive right into it.

First things first, to the teams that missed the playoffs, you suck.  Especially the Milton whateverthefucktheyarecalled managed by GM Court Watson; horrible effort this season, you clearly fluked out last year and have no idea what you are doing.  To finish second in points scored and arguably have the best goalies in the league (led in wins, GAA and shutouts, third in save percentage) and finish 9th only means one thing: shitty management.  You suck.  Bad.  Hashtag awful.

Now lets move onto the matchups.  If you have been watching this year, you should know there is one thing evident this year; parity.

1. Super Sperm vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon – Congratulations on Sean Stock, GM of Super Sperm for taking home the President’s Trophy as the best regular season team; a difficult task in of itself.  The team is solid offensive, but the goaltending is suspect; with one of their starters this week winning one of his last six and getting shitkicked in half of those losses.  Luckily, this team is playing Jesse Loves Paymon, which is Danish Hebrew for “fucking terrible at fantasy hockey.”   Lets keep in mind that this is the team that held on to Sean Monahan when his advanced metrics were fucking terrible, and instead of selling high, dropped him.  Also, Cam Ward sucks.  Like worst starting goalie in the league sucks.  The numbers don’t’ lie.  Wives do.

Prediction – Sean Stock and Super Sperm waltz into the second round, thumping Jesse Loves Paymon 8-2.

2.  Blackhawks vs. 7. Bizarrohawks – The alter egos face off.  Stick tap to Blackhawks GM Mike Gaunt for not putting Patrick Kane on IR and leaving him in your active roster.  Well played, idiot.  When 90% of your team (just Patrick Kane) is hurt and still on your active roster, you will probably lose.  If you don’t lose, you should still lose.  Luckily, Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland decided to leave a fucking Vezina candidate in IR versus start him; when looking at goalies with over 30 starts and GAA, Bizarrohawks has the best goalie tandem of teams in the playoffs (and second overall), but a lot of good that does if you aren’t playing them.  So, each team has handicapped itself for this week.  Blackhawks are permanently handicapped, while Bizzarohawks can recover next week if they survive.  I think I like Bizarrohawk band of offensive misfits (except Cory Conacher, another JLP fuckup) that I think they can pull this off.

Prediction – The Bizarrohawks advance winning 7-5, and figure shit out in net for next week.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. Halifax Highlanders – I am very interested to see how this match goes.  I think both have a legitimate shot of taking home the Anze Cup, and I think this might be a do or die year for Pistol’s Hellcats.  The key pieces are old all across the board and losing value every game.  Halifax Highlanders finally has a somewhat healthy season, and a couple goalies who, while volatile, can put up some pretty decent numbers.  Varlamov has been a surprise only to idiots, and the Washington Capitals.  So just idiots.

Prediction – The young goalies take down the old dude and the guy from Czechoslovakia that is terrible and Sidney Crosby leads an offense into second round glory.  Halifax Highlanders win 6-5.

4.  Anzoolander vs. 5.  Flowers in the Cage – In November 2010, I wrote the following about Flowers in the Cage (then Sultan HC) (emphasis added):

“Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.”

It is now 2014 and you know what? Ondrej Pavelec is still not the fucking answer. Need proof? Since trading for this terrible excuse of an NHL player (seriously, there is no reason he should even be in the NHL), Flowers in the Cage 8-22.  Puck Daddy also sums it up quite well:

“He's 18-22-4 this season with the Jets, with a 2.97 GAA and a .901 save percentage. He has a career .906 save percentage, “one of the most dismal marks in the game today.” He’s “a risk the Czechs can’t afford” if he’s between the pipes in Sochi. His contract is “the worst decision the Winnipeg Jets have made so far.” He gets social media love letters like this one.”

This team is now literally starting two backups as goalies, which means who the fuck knows what kind of production it will get.  On the other side of this match, Anzoolander has this year’s Martin Brodeur in Ryan Miller (will eventually have a bad week and cost this team the Anze Cup), and a goalie that has never been reliable, though puts up great numbers from time to time.  Offensively though, this team shines, especially with Stamkos back 2 years ahead of schedule from his leg being amputated (god bless performance enhancing drugs…what, you haven’t thought that as well?  Are you ignorant?).  This week, I think Anzoolander’s goalies perform, and their offense will overwhelm Flowers in the Cage.

Prediction – Steamrolled by Steroid Stamkos, Flowers in the Cage wilts in the spring, losing 7-3.

Good luck to all, and lick my balls.

JM