For this week’s installment, I present he of notorious head size, Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon:
Without further adieu.
This week's power rankings are different. Not different like the retard strength of Chris Thomas. Different like Bert Fong's Penis. Whatever that means.
As a Vancouver Canucks fan (fuck you Cook) I enjoy reading a blog titled "The Provies". There is no better post game entertainment than secretly reading this blog while receiving a "good night" blow job from your wife. If you're not familiar with the Provies I encourage you to click the link below and have a read. Be sure to focus on "BEST ANSWER" and note who won. I know it's not a Boys' Co Billboard, but I feel I'm on way to celebrity status.
This week's rankings will have a little Provies flavor added to it. More because I'd rather rip off someone else's work than take the time to create something myself. Plus, I truly enjoy our WhatsApp group discussion and figure this was a great way to capture some highlights.
Pour yourself a drink Gents (mine is in my Anze Cup) and enjoy this week’s Power Rankings: Provies Edition.
1. Anzoolander (2)
BEST INJURY
This team is a beast and will be for years to come. Have you ever given thought to what will happen when Toews and/or Stamkos wake up? What about when Price returns? This is the best team in GPY and we we've yet to see its best.
2. Texans (1)
BEST TEAM?
Before tonight I agreed with most other GM's about this teams #1 ranking. Loved this team going into the season and still love it now. However a 9-4 pounding at the hands of 14th ranked Pistol's Hellcats cannot be ignored.
3. Lokomotiv (3)
BEST COMPARISON
At the start of the season I did not no what to think of this team. After week nine I'm now having nightmares about it. Hopefully GM Cole Ballard breaks tradition and doesn't fuck things up by adding 3rd line Capitals players at the trade deadline.
4. Philosopher King (5)
BEST STAT
This was suppose to be a rebuild year for GM Luke Mackinnon. Have a look at his roster. Looks more like a retool for complete dominance.
5. Hatrick Swayze (4)
BEST ANALOGY
I was in tears when I first read this. Very creative, witty and a true zinger (Toots 1 - Pistol 0). It's too bad Hatrick Swyaze's GM Tood Toothill's creativity ends here. This line-up has talent and potential. Perhaps Toots should focus on improving his starting line-up rather than masturbating to the final scene of Dirty Dancing.
6. Kane and she was Able (6)
BEST RAPIST
This team will go as far as Patrick Kane's lawyer will take them. This team is 6-2-2 through the first 10 weeks and is patiently waiting to rape again.
7. Everett Silvertips (8)
BEST HAVE ANOTHER DRINK
The season this team is having should not surprise anyone. Just watch GM Court Watson's golf swing and then immediately look at his scorecard. Million dollar swing, ten cent head. This team is loaded with talent but it's GM doesn't have the mental capacity to do anything with it.
8. Jesse Loves Paymon (9)
BEST WTF
Ok I realize JLP got steam rolled two weeks ago and lost again this week. But I cannot comprehend how this team posted 4-0 record the previous four weeks yet fell from fifth to ninth in the power rankings. Eighth place is where this team should be ranked. My prediction is it'll finish the season here.
9. Me So Vyborny (11)
BEST SHIT KICKING
14-0 this week vs Kanucks! Ok not the strongest opponent but I'm not sure this league has seen 14-0 before. Don't let this go to your head Matt. You have ONE player ranked in the top 30 and your best goalie is Steve Mason. Steve Mason.
10. Super Sperm (7)
BEST RUMOR
For those who don't know Jesse's daughter was due Dec 15th. In typical female routine she's late. Yes Jesse I just chirped your unborn daughter. Relax. Pistol will do much worse once she's born. You should hear what Pistol's said about Schauble's twins! Remember that I don't start rumors, I just spread them.
11. Connor McSaviours (12)
BEST I'M THIRSTY
I can't even name a player on this team. So instead of looking up this teams roster, I'm going to pour myself another beverage.
12. Kanucks (10)
BEST NEGOTIATOR
I often question the commitment level of Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen to our league. However Dave's trade negotiations for Mats Zucarello has me thinking otherwise. Dave was working the phones hard with multiple teams including JLP and Anzoolander. Dave was able to get the Everett Silvertips to up its offer and before we knew it Zucarello was traded. While preparing to interview Tips GM Court Watson to get his thoughts on the trade, Court sent me this text…
I accepted the bet.
13. Chingchong BingBongs (13)
BEST ANSWER
The future is a scary place.
14. Pistol's Hellcats (14)
BEST PHOTO
Editor’s Note: Or this:
I agree with Toots. Change your team photo Pistol. Now you all have something to secretly look at while receiving your "good night" blow job this evening. You're welcome.
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