The 2008-2009 All-Shit Team

Every year, there are players that fantasy GMs love to hold onto for no apparent reason whatsoever.  In an attempt to identify those special players, I introduce the inaugural Fantasy All-Shit Team.  Team is selected based on offensive player’s average ranking for the year, to account for solid players who have missed significant time due to injury, and goalie’s actual rankings for the year, because if I didn’t use actual, Josh Harding would be a god.

C – Keith Tkachuk (231) – Sergei Fedorov currently sits at 59, as I write this I wonder why Western WA Caps GM Cole Ballard doesn’t own Fedorov, but Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop should be playing Tkachuk…ever.

C – Chris Drury (269) – A player who has battled health issues all year, why wouldn’t Andre Poodle Lussier just swap him out for Tomas Plekanec, whose ranking for the season on average stats is 128?

LW – Markus Naslund (232) – Let’s face it, this player’s glory days are behind him. Ethan Moreau or Richard Zednik are easily more valuable than this giant pussy.

LW – Pierre-Marc Bouchard (215) – I have been scratching my head on the logic behind this one, and have come to the conclusion there is none, it is just Scott Freeland being Scott Freeland.  Did you know there are 3 Blackhawks alone that are eligible at LW and are better?  Definitely a keeper.

RW – Miroslav Satan (277) – Another Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop teammate (now at 3) who could be easily replaced.  I think he is on the roster just because of his last name

RW – Peter Mueller (250) – The 4th Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop entry.  While the talent on this kid is undeniable, it isn’t there this year fantasy-wise.  Jere Lehtinen or Bill Guerin would make better RW’s than either of these two. 

F – Brian Rolston (200) – Rolston has returned as a shell of his former self, and is relegated to checking lines with all the talent that has emerged on the Devils.  Ottawa HC GM Court Watson would be better off to ditch him and look at, well, almost anybody

D – Niklas Kronwall (241) – We all know Andre Poodle Lussier’s GM Matt Welsh loves the squid ink from any Detroit player, so we are assuming that is why he keeps Kronwall active.

D – Mathieu Schneider (386) – Much better options include Marek Zidlicky, Cam Barker and Joni Pitkanen…nice pickup Bert.

Util – Daniel Cleary (194) – Might as well hold a roster spot with Britney Spears or Anze Kopitar, next.

Util – Nathan Horton (187) –He went 3rd overall in the 2003 draft, and Ottawa HC is just waiting for him to show the talent that made him so highly touted.  It may never come.

G – Brian Elliot (389) & Peter Budaj (363) – Looks like Bizzarohawks wised up and dumped Elliot, but HANK’S AUTOSHOP is still holding on the Budaj.  For now, it appears Raycroft is the better option in the mile high city.  The trade deadline sweepstakes should get interesting, as new starters may emerge ready to sweep up.

The Playoffs Are Coming…

Ever wonder why Coors Light doesn’t do a commercial using hockey coaches’ interviews…

From Fantasy Hockey Scouts via Puck Daddy

Power Rankings: Week 20

Only 3 weeks of the regular season remain, and still no team has clinched a playoff birth. 15 points are all that separate 4th from 10th. Needless to say, this last few weeks are going to be tense, and expect to see a flurry of trades before the March 5th deadline as teams try to make one last playoff run. With that in mind, lets take a look at the power rankings.

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop (previous rank, 3): Came out barely ahead in what may have been a championship match preview against Ottawa HC, led by strong goaltending and offense on the penalty kill. This week may secure a playoff berth as this team goes up against the downward spiraling Western WA Caps.

2. Ottawa HC (1): A very strong offensive performance wasn’t enough to carry weak goaltending. The prospects in net are looking up for this team, with Martin Brodeur announcing he is ready to play starting this week, Pekka Rinne getting another shutout and Jean-Sebastien Giguerre putting in 2 quality back to back starts. If the offensive can keep churning, this could be the team to beat.

3. HANK’S AUTOSHOP (2): Tough to say if the win last week was the result of solid play or weak competition. Either way, barring serious setbacks, this team should be around come March 16th.

4. GM Anze Backup (4): It isn’t tough to say that this team’s win was due to weak competition, but that doesn’t offset that fact that this team continues to be at the top of many statistical categories. Court Watson, Ottawa HC GM, has openly discussed the idea of benching all his players in an effort to be the 2nd or 3rd seed should GM Anze Backup look like it could slide into the 6th and final playoff spot.

5. Andre Poodle Lussier (7): An impressive win over RoBERTo LuFONGo this week, and now sits just 1 point out of the playoffs with this team’s easiest matchup of the year this week. The only question is if this team can rebound from losing team anchor Ryan Miller to a high ankle sprain (from his own fantasy teammate..ah, the irony).

6. Bizzarohawks (8): You can’t help but route for a team whose GM is the human equivalent of Eeyore. The decisions all year have been questionable at best, but a key win last week followed up by some strong play in the next few weeks could get this team in the playoffs.

7. Western WA Caps (5): Continues its meteoric slide down the league standings with a crushing loss this past week. Probably the most potent offense paired with the most pathetic defense, will GM Cole Ballard make that vital trade for a goalie who doesn’t suck donkey balls?

8. RoBERTo LuFONGo (9): On paper, this team should win more, period. Therefore, I see no other issue other than shitty management.

9. Mystery Eskimos (9): This team was manhandled this past week, and judging by GM Caleb Widen’s waiver wire transactions, is desperate.

10. Steve Shankopotamous (Dead ass last): Another week, another loss, another Lucky 8 pack. This year is getting costly, as both Ottawa HC GM Court Watson and GM Anze Backup GM Red McIntyre could both declare at the expense of GM Jesse Cook that they were “XX Luckys richer this week.” Not one to stay humble, Jesse recently let his sub par performance get to his head at a school reunion this past weekend, as documented by the former head of J.N. Burnett’s film club below:

And Now, A Message From Our Sponsors

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And now, here is a guest article from Alex Zelvin, of Draftbug.com fame, on how to clean up in fantasy hockey matches:

Traffic is beginning to increase on Draftbug. It’s likely that within the next few weeks, larger fantasy hockey contests will be available, with 6, 10, 20, or more players in each. To succeed in these, you’ll need to keep one important principle in mind: in large tournaments with top heavy payouts, always use a high variance strategy. In other words, it does you no good to play it safe and go for second place in a winner take all contest.

This principle applies to all types of contests or tournaments, whether you’re playing fantasy sports, poker, or anything else. However, it’s easier to apply in some arenas than in others. Draftbug fantasy hockey may just be the easiest place to profit from it.

One of the best ways to increase variance in your score in any fantasy contest is to pick players whose scores will be highly correlated. Draftbug hockey uses a scoring system that makes this very easy to do. Picking players who play on the same line is one of the keys. Whenever one scores a goal, the others are likely to get assists. Most of the time, they’re either all going to have good games on the same day…which is the key to running up a high enough score to win a large contest with six or more people entered. Additionally, players are rewarded for their plus/minus…which is generally going to correlate well with whether their goalie scores fifteen points for winning the game, and also will have some correlation with the goalies’ success at preventing goals.

So the key to winning at Draftbug hockey is pretty simple…as much as possible, pick line mates and their goalie. Draftbug’s hockey scoring system allows such great correlation between picks that this strategy should make you a consistent long term winner.

Just two warnings related to it. The first is that high variance only helps you in large tournaments. In a head to head contest, you should simply focus on picking the best team you can, without regard to the correlation among your players’ scores. The second warning is that Draftbug does not allow you to pick all your players from the same team. To maintain its status as fantasy sports rather than gambling, anybody who uses an entire team made up of players from the same team needs to be disqualified. So make sure that you mix at least one other player into your squad.

We Are Live…

First ever podcast…obviously alot of work needed. Note the breathing through the nose as I chomp on ice cubes from my drink in hand and the odd clanging of ice cubes as I take a sip….this could get scary good. Waiting on clearance from iTunes, but you can stream it here or get the first ever episode here…

Hey Jonah, It’s Me, Your Bookie

7-6 this past week based on the strategy I think I saw wasted one evening and mentioned in a previous post. Let’s take a look at the games this week that I will be donating my money to the very stale Vegas economy.

Saturday – Anaheim and Dallas are both playing on second nights, and both on the road

Sunday – Pittsburgh and Boston. The odds may not be worth it on Pittsburgh against the Caps Sunday, and Boston is always solid with the committee in net. At any rate, hearing Crosby’s whining all game via helmet mike will be good.

Thursday – Islanders and Rangers both come home after being on the road Wednesday night, and San Jose continues it’s road trip. Tough to be against San Jose, but I am sticking with drunk Jonah all the way to GA.

The Rain Man Approach

Fantasy leagues are supposed to be all about numbers. You put up the best, you win the most, and you take home the trophy. But a recent look at Puck Yourself’s statistics shows that this isn’t necessarily true. This could be because of the format; weekly head to head matchups as opposed to the standard rotisserie league. In head to head, stats reset weekly, which means you have to be lucky to be good (and not necessarily good to be lucky). After 19 weeks of play, the list below shows the teams’ average ranking overall, based on their position in each fantasy scoring category in total production.

1) GM Anze Backup	4.06
2) Steve Shankopotamous	4.35
3) Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop	5.00
4) Mystery Eskimos	5.12
5) Western WA Capitals	5.24
6) HANK’S AUTOSHOP	5.29
7) Andre Poodle Lussier	5.88
8) Bizzarohawks	6.18
T-9) Ottawa HC	6.24
T-9) RoBERTo LuFONGo	6.24

As you can see, for the most part this table is consistent with the league standings, with the exception of 2 outliers…GM Anze Backup and Ottawa HC, whose rank in the table above have been swapped in the actual league standings. This anomaly is concerning to GM Anze Backup GM Red McIntyre, who assessed his chances of making the playoff’s last week as “slim to none, unless I get my head out of my ass.” As for Ottawa HC GM Court Watson, all he could do is smile and take a nice sip of rye as he watched his team this week from the owner’s box. One interesting note is that the Western WA Caps are the perfect blend of the top ranked offensive stats vs. the worst ranked goalies stats. To much of that blend for GM Cole Ballard will probably leave him similar to Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland after too much of any blend of Johnnie Walker; alone, in the cold, miserable, and passed out on the deep freeze (or out of the playoffs).

SAY IT AIN’T SO

Daniel Alfredsson is out for at least a week with a broken jaw. No word on how it happened, but it may have been in the showers.

Patrick Kane is out 3-4 weeks with a knee sprain. Yup, he slipped giving GM Jesse Cook the business.

Chris Osgood has been sent home by Detroit and they have called up Jimmy Howard from the AHL to replace him. Wouldn’t you mail it in if you were traded to Steve Shankopotamous? Speaking of which, GM Jesse Cook’s most recent two trades have resulted in a goalie who is benched, a goalie on injured reserve, and the 2008-09 potential Vezina winner possibly being the missing link to get RoBERTo LuFONGo into the playoffs…nice one.

Carey Price is a partying vagina who RoBERTo LuFONGo drafted way to high, probably the worst draft pick of the year next to Steve Shankopotamous’ drafting of Anze Kopitar. Luckily, GM Bert Fong suckered GM Jesse Cook into dealing Tim Thomas for junk.

NHL.com Gets Props From Geeks

Fast Company Magazine announced today that NHL.com was one of the top ten most innovative sports companies. Weird, I wonder if it had anything to do with their new host:

Team Bias?

Is the NHL in love with the Blackhawks, or do they just have a marketing team with a clue? Found this over on the Power Play; a period piece if you will (love the "they are also smart" line):

Power Rankings: Week 19

As we come head into the dog days of fantasy hockey, the playoff is picture is starting to come into focus, though the nobody has clinched a berth yet. Lets take a look at this week’s power rankings.

1. Ottawa HC (Previous ranking, 1): Ladies and ladies, we have a new team atop the league standings. GM Court Watson has led this team on a wild ride, leading this team from last to first in the standings in 13 weeks, often dealing players that other teams would build franchises around. The moves have paid off, and this team now stands in first. Genius you say? Nobody really knows, but in light of such evident mastery, I give you Ottawa HC’s new theme song, featuring special guest and hockey fan Neil Patrick Harris.

2. HANK’S AUTOSHOP (7): Just when this team looked like it was out of it, it comes roaring back this week for a solid win against a potential first round playoff matchup. Will the zero moves by manager Zach Gray be enough to get this team in championship form? Doubtful.

3. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop (2): The Titanic didn’t look this bad after making out with an iceberg. Not only did this team lose to the team at the bottom of the standings, there wasn’t even the courtesy of a reach-around. Next up this week for this team is a clash of the titans, and RRD takes on Ottawa HC. Had they played this week, OHC would have won 15-2-1. GM Mike Gaunt is debating a name change to Captain Edward John Smith. My vote is to change his name to Michel Therrien.

4. GM Anze Backup (8): A desperately needed win this week, but one wonders if this team has what it takes to make a final playoff run. Roberto Luongo just isn’t his usual self, leaving this team without an anchor. Even though it is out of the playoffs right now, this team shouldn’t be discounted; it leads the league in assists, points, power play goals, and is in the top 5 in almost all other categories. When comparing this team’s total numbers to Ottawa HC’s totals, it is almost laughable how much more productive GM Anze Backup actually is. Oh well, sucks to be GM Red McIntyre.

5. Western WA Caps (4): A very scary ass pounding this week, WWC needs a big win against HANK’S AUTOSHOP this week. Prior to this last week, WWC had gone 1-0-2 against teams not in the playoffs, and after picking up Jon Quick to shore up the defense, loses 6 of 7 goalie categories. Clearly, he was not that answer.

6. Mystery Eskimos (5): When you drop one Minnesota Wild player and claim another Minnesota Wild player off waivers, you need help…bad.

7. Andre Poodle Lussier (6): Only 7 points out of the last playoff spot, APL needs a strong week, could be hard with the Detroit Red Wings playing three defensive teams this week in Nashville, Anaheim and Minnesota.

8. Bizzarohawks (10): The week that Cleveland was announced fourth most miserable city was offset by a strong performance by the Bizzarohawks. Only by the grace of god will this team make the playoffs. Funny, both Ottawa HC and Bizzarohawks have over 30+ roster moves, and both were battling for 9-10 in the league standings through week 6. I guess sometimes it is the GM’s fault.

9. RoBERTo LuFONGo (3): Heavy on talent on the ice, light on talent in the front office; this team is spinning around in circles, going nowhere fast.

10. Steve Shankopotamous (9): A bad week this upcoming week and this team could be out of the playoff picture. This team made some bold moves to become a legitimate championship contender, but it looks like they may be exploding like Paymon’s load, right in GM Jesse Cook’s face. The Khabibulin wall crumbled this week and Sharp is hurt. Will inserting Chris Osgood in the starting roster and the return of Andy McDonald save this team’s playoff dreams?

Drunk Dialing Vegas

When I have a few beverages from time to time;  I turn into Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense only instead of seeing ghosts, I think I see patterns.  A few weeks ago I had just got back from the bar, still had my pants down to my ankles from the bathroom break I had just taken and was chomping on some fine dollar menu selections from McDonalds and as I looked at the scores for the night, I noticed something;  Every team that had played the night before and traveled to play another game the next day lost.  Living on the west coast, I can appreciate this.  Traveling wears you out and the time zone change, heading east especially messes up your clock.  I thought this might be something worth tracking, who knows, might even make some money on it.  So, this week, I called my bookie and I put bets out against every team that played two days in a row and had to travel between games.  The result?  I went 10-5, and if I wasn’t so poor and had no balls, I would have been loaded (which supports my argument that it is always better to be wasted when you bet.  You make larger bets, and if you lose you don’t remember it, if you win you win big).  That being said, I am going to see how long this trend lasts and if I am really on to something.  Here are the teams that fit the criteria in the coming week:

Saturday – Boston, Columbus and Dallas all played the night before at a different stadium.  I would stay away from Boston, because they have two solid goalies who can split the starts.

Sunday – Carolina, Philadelphia and Washington

Monday – Atlanta and New York Rangers

Tuesday – Edmonton and Ottawa

Thursday – Columbus, Montreal and New York Islanders.  Both St. Louis and Nashville are playing back to back nights and coming from different venues, but since they are playing each other, that one is a wash.  Los Angeles is playing the night before in Anaheim, so I don’t really consider that travel.

Friday – Carolina and Tampa Bay washout each other just like St. Louis and Nashville do on Thursday.

Sayonara bitches, time to call my bookie.

Happy (Early) Valentines Day

Everyone,

With good cheer the day before the most trumped up holiday in the history of the known universe, I bring this delightful video. Please do not hesitate to change Adam Burish to Jesse Cook when watching this video, especially when James Wisniewski gives his opinion.

The Best & Worst from the Draft

It has been a while since I have posted anything other than power rankings. The main reason for lack of solid content is that I have made all of five cents in advertising and as a result, have a day job that takes most of my time and energy. As a reminder, please support this blog by visiting the sponsor links in the top right corner and after every post (yes, that was shameless begging).

Let’s face it; the draft can be a crapshoot. Yahoo! uses some super geeky complex formulas to create predictive rankings for the players at the beginning of the year, but c’mon, those rankings often overvalue or miss half of our starting rosters in place by this time in the season. This week, I will share some of the best and worst draft picks in Puck Yourself, based on stats, rankings, and most importantly, my personal opinion.

The Best

3. Patrick Marleau and Zach Parise (tie) – Andre Poodle Lussier and GM Anze Backup – Marleau’s renaissance is to be expected due to his strong performance 2 years ago, but GM Matt Welsh picked him up 115th overall and is now currently ranked 18th. Great job by Welsh to sell him very high and gain a quality forward and solid netminder. Parise has been a bigger surprise, who has more points already this season than his total for either of the previous two seasons. GM Steve McIntyre could not be more happy with Parise's production, noting that he is as “much improved this year as (Steve Shankopotamous GM) Jesse (Cook) is uglier.” Whoa, that is a lot.

2. Phil Kessel – HANK’S AUTOSHOP – Finally becoming the goal scorer the Boston Bruins saw when they drafted him in 2006, Kessel has benefited from another team who has seen a meteoric rise in talent this year. Taken 148th and ranked 44th, credit really can’t be taken by GM Zach Gray. When asked if he participated in the draft, he replied “my job is to surf Facebook for a living, why would I care about a military draft?”

1. Rob Blake – RoBERTo LuFONGo – This geyser has had a resurgence in his career, but who hasn’t on this dynamite San Jose Sharks team? Ranked 35th by Yahoo! this season and drafted as a last second flier, going 161st out of 170. Finally, something manager Bert Fong hasn’t fucked up.

Some draft picks have been downright embarrassing. When looking at the quality of draft picks and current rankings, this writer excluded those who have seen significant injury time (or else Gaborik would have worst pick, hands down) and netminders, since goalies are a different dynamic and really can’t be compared to offensive players. Note the trend in the following three candidates.

3. Eric Cole – Steve Shankopotamous – Carolina dumped him for a reason. Drafted 97th and ranked 201, another “interesting” (and by interesting I mean shitty) pick by GM Jesse Cook. SS got alot of value out of him, as he rode the pine most of the time and then was dropped for Dustin Byfuglien because Cook “liked Byfuglien’s versatility.” Apparently having zero production from a player who can be put into a forward or defensive position is a good thing…good call.

2. Brian Campbell – Steve Shankopotamous – Drafted 24th overall and currently ranked 146, he has underperformed in relation to GM Jesse Cook’s expectations. The most hilarious part about Cook’s management is that he dropped Duncan Keith, the Blackhawks other noteworthy D-man that was drafted 164th and is ranked 101. Noted Ottawa HC GM Court Watson, “He still starts Campbell, what a buffoon.”

1. Anze Kopitar – Steve Shankopotamous – Drafted 57th and ranked 105, this player might not have made the list if GM Jesse Cook hadn’t talked Anze up like he was the best thing since sliced bread. Offering him in trades as an equal to Jeff Carter, Pavel Datsyuk, Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, leaves this writer in awe. Even better, making the comparison that Anze Kopitar is to hockey what Larry Fitzgerald is to Football left all other managers rolling on the floor, laughing their asses off. For these reasons, this player is easily the worst draft pick of the 2008-09 Puck Yourself season.

SAY IT AIN’T SO

Thomas Vanek is out 3-4 weeks with a broken jaw. Maybe Jesse will compare him to Anquan Boldin, who actually had some balls and played with a broken jaw. Bizzarohawks, somehow defied odds, and are now worse.

Steve Mason is the second player this year to be diagnosed with mono…coincidence he contracts the kissing disease right after being traded to the fantasy team managed by a GM with a gay bullseye? I think not.

Alexander Semin is day to day with an injury to his vagina.

Robert Lang, the streaky Montreal Canadien, is out for the rest of the season with a torn left achilles tendon. One wonders if Cole Ballard hired Carl Spackler so “he’ll quit the game” and ultimately sabotage Steve Shankopotamous.

Coming soon: The rumors you have heard may soon be true. Puck You! may soon be offering weekly podcasts available for subscription on iTunes, with weekly fantasy updates and interviews with league GMs. More details to follow, and remember, give some props to the sponsors!

Technorati Tags: NHL Fantasy Draft Results Injuries

Power Rankings: Week 18

Roast: an event in which an individual is subject to publicly bearing comedic insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories (and heartwarming tributes…but who are we kidding?). With this is mind, lets take a look at the week 18 power rankings.

1. Ottawa HC (Previous ranking 2): Despite the almost improbably comeback from last to the cusp of first, GM Court Watson still has the personality of John Wayne…in his current cryogenic state. Boom, roasted.

2. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop (1): This team has sat on top of the league all year; it turns out GM Mike Gaunt was just standing on top of several phonebooks, ‘cause he is short. Boom, roasted.

3. RoBERTo LuFONGo (3): This team just traded for a backup goaltender to use as a starter. GM Bert Fong has 1 billion lookalikes, who are all just as unfunny as him. Boom, roasted.

4. Western WA Caps (4): This team has an awesome offense as of late, but just picked up Jon Quick, yes, that is right, from the Los Angeles Kings and designated him as the anchor of the team for the playoffs. This team has played the worst team in the standings the last 3 weeks, and this is the first week they beat one of them, Quick must be that missing link. GM Cole Ballard just bought a house for a shorter commute to his day job, but that office is moving and his commute is going to be 2 hours, one way. Boom, roasted.

5. Mystery Eskimos (5): I think GM Caleb Widen is related to Cole in a roundabout way, which means he will have to listen to Cole bitch about his new commute until the end of time. Boom, roasted.

6. Andre Poodle Lussier (8): With a shaved head you look like a short version of GM Anze Backup GM Steve McIntyre. Your bellybutton tattoo is also a gay bullseye. Boom, roasted.

7. HANK’S AUTOSHOP (6): This team is plummeting down the standings. GM Zach Gray’s occupation is to surf Facebook, but he still can’t properly manage this team. Boom, roasted.

8. GM Anze Backup (10): This team can’t put two solid weeks together to make a playoff run, and GM Steve McIntyre looks like Reginald (Red) Albert Forman, only with less hair. Boom, roasted.

9. Steve Shankopotamous (9): GM Jesse Cook’s ego has lead this team to a lackluster performance this week, as he has refused to deal players when hot and overvalued players he had drafted, often leading to semi-retarded trade offers and arguments. The only thing bigger than Cook’s ego is his undying love for Paymon (and his big ugly chin). Boom, roasted.

10. Bizzarohawks (7): This team corrects bad moves by making worse moves. One only needs to look to GM Scott Freeland to see where the bad decisions came from; he pays people money so he can run 20 miles or more (why doesn’t he just give me the money and I can kick him in the nuts until he vomits). To make things worse, his running hobby has giving him the build of Tom from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. He’s fat. He looks skinny, but he is not. He also lives in Cleveland (see the clothing line here). Boom, roasted.

Power Rankings: Week 17

As we head into the home stretch of the season, a particular report from Media Day in Tampa Bay during this week’s Super Bowl XLIII festivities showed the uphill battle hockey still faces in the United States:

NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

With that, lets take a look at this week’s power rankings.

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop (previous rank: 1) – This team was lucky to play a very weak opponent this week, giving the players a chance to build some confidence, stopping the two-week losing streak. Facing the dangerous Andre Poodle Lussier this week, who has two hot goalies and 3 Detroit Red Wings with 4 starts. Needs a big win or else other teams will begin to lose their fear of going up against RRD.

2. Ottawa HC (2) – After a slow start to the week, came storming from behind to kick the living shit out of the Bizzarohawks, who up until this point had been on an amazing tear. GM Court Watson actually felt a little bad, because “win or lose, (Bizzarohawks) are based out of Cleveland, and I wouldn’t even wish that on my worst enemy.” Led by Sidney Crosby and Tim Connolly’s return from injury, and Jonathan Toews possible turn around midseason, this team is starting to look like the team to beat.

3. RoBERTo LuFONGo (8) – Solid performance this week by RoBERTo, but the inconsistency in net will keep this team from being a serious contender. Look for manager Bert Fong to fuck this team up royally in an attempt to add some depth in the back end.

4. Western WA Caps (6) – It has not gone unnoticed that this team is falling down the league standings at about the same pace that Jessica Simpson is putting on the lbs. Manager Cole Ballard is desperately hoping for a quick turnaround…for both his team and Tony Romo’s future fat ex-girlfriend.

5. Mystery Eskimos (4) – Quiet, under the radar and putting up solid numbers every week. If this team can make it into the playoffs it shouldn’t be overlooked as a darkhorse.

6. WONDERS ON ICE (3) – Western WA Caps GM Cole Ballard’s prediction that this team would miss the playoffs is starting to look eerily Nostradamus like, as this team continues its skid. Manager Zach Gray can’t explain the poor play, and is hoping for a turnaround this week against Ottawa HC. It will be interesting to see if the 3 former OHC starters now on WOI step up their play after OHC GM Court Watson described their play as “sucky.”

7. Bizzarohawks (5) – A crushing blow this week that may have put an end to this teams Cinderella run for the playoff spot. GM Scott Freeland tried to justify the loss saying “I forgot to change my roster after the all-star week, oops. Advantage, Watson.” Ottawa HC GM Court Watson simply laughed, retorting “the guys on (his) bench suck, would have made no difference.” All indications are that Court is right.

8. Andre Poodle Lussier (8) – “Go Fuck Yourself Fatty” – Court Watson, Ottawa HC GM

9. Prancing Pony (10) – Finally out of the cellar, as this team is starting to make a case for the 6th and final playoff spot. RRD manager Mike Gaunt is chomping at the bit at the prospect of slapping this team in the face with his man-bits in the playoffs and laughing all the way to the finals. This week is a big matchup and may ultimately decide the last playoff spot. Manager Jesse Cook was spotted in the Mt. Baker area this week; it is the 6th time he has been confused as Bigfoot in his young adult life (most times the confusion is due to how ugly he is).

10. GM Anze Backup (7) – This team is in dire need of a spark. Manager Steve McIntye may soon be forced to get over his unhealthy man-crush and deal his prized stallion, netminder Roberto Luongo, in the hopes of picking up pretty much anyone to replace any position on this team. Something needs to happen soon, or this team is hitting the links come mid-March.