This Sucks

Well call me Paymon and put my dick in Jesse’s mouth.  Who would think that 1) the semifinals were the four teams with the least knowledge of hockey and 2) the final is between the two teams with the least knowledge of hockey?  Not I, says I.  Let’s look at the final matchup

Coming up – a general managers meeting with proposed changes to next year’s league and the Anze Cup.

Texans vs. Amish Rake Fighters – This is it, this is the final.  Both destroyed their opponents in the semifinals.  Texans have a bit more offense, Rake Fighters have better goaltending.  This could go either way, but I have to go with Amish Rake Fighters..the George Mason of this year’s tournament but with a legitimate chance at winning.  This match will come down to one off categories (shorties, GWG, shooting %).

Prediction:  Amish Rake Fighters wins the Anze Cup, then the franchise folds due to lack of GM participation.

Changes for Next Year

At a general manager’s meeting in December, the 6 in attendance (GMs Court Watson, Steve McIntyre, Jesse Cook and three bottles of Crown) discussed the health of the league and changes that could be made to ensure the long term health of the league.  Below are some of the key changes that MAY happen in the upcoming season.  Your feedback is welcome in the comments section below.  Note that by the end of the meeting, only 3.5 original attendees did not make it through the whole meeting (R.I.P., 2.5 bottles of Crown).

1)  The league will be contracted.  Like the NHL, the league grew too fast, and some of the US markets just didn’t have demand.  Goodbye, Spokane and San Antonio.

2)  Total points will be added back in statistics.  This will work as a tiebreaker for goals and assists, and also makes it alot easier to complain about scoring more points but still losing because nobody will have to do the math.

3)  Shooting % will be replaced with Shots.  GM Steve McIntyre asked GMs Jesse and Court to look up the top ten in the league in shots versus the top ten in the league in shooting percentage.  Enough said.

4)  The league will be a keeper league.  Next year, we will start with only 2 keepers, and the draft will be random.  In subsequent years, the number of keepers will increase to 3 and then ultimately to 5.  This slow increase makes more sense because after next year, draft order will be influenced by how you finished in the league the prior year.

5)  The draft will be a live gong show.  There will be golf and gambling.  We are currently looking into several opportunities to host the draft at a conference room with internet and speakerphone so that those who cannot make the live draft can still participate online.  Those who don’t even bother to attend the draft anyway can still submit their pre-draft rankings.  It has no impact to anyone except those who want to play golf, gamble and drink.

6)  League entry fees will stay at $20/year.  However, additional fees will be implemented, as it should streamline the league, and increase payouts without placing significant burden on smaller market teams. 

a) For every transaction, there will be a cost of $0.25.  Looking at the past two years, the most active teams will owe an additional $20 a year.

b)  Team names will be locked 1 week after the draft.  Changes will be $5.  This is because team name changes are annoying.

Finally, the winner of the league will be the holder of the Anze Cup until the next year’s winner is determined.  Below is the epic Cup, though due to supply of Frosty Mugs, it has not been ordered yet.

The Anze Cup

The Buzzer Beater of Buzzer Beaters

Wow.  That pretty much sums up all I can say about this week.  Before today, I would have said the biggest upset was in NCAA Basketball, with Northern Iowa taking down Kansas.  After today, I think it is quite clear that the biggest upset in all of sports this week, possibly in all of sports history, happened in our league.  The Amish Rake Fighters have beaten the 2009 SJ Sharks a team called Unfuckingbelievable (The Unfucks).

This is like Colin Montgomerie winning a major.  Rick Ankiel winning a Cy Young.  Derek Anderson winning an MVP award.  Tiger Woods staying faithful.  All unlikely happenings, all now actually possible because of this upset. 

2 points.  That was the total production of 8 players today on the Unfucks.  Just one goal scored and they would have won.  Nope, couldn’t do it.  For the last 15 minutes of the last two games of the day, a shutout was required in both games to send the Unfucks home…and it happened.

Now the playoffs have been ripped wide open.  And with that, lets look at this weeks playoff matchups (I think, I don’t really know if the matchups are reseeded).

3.  Bizzarohawks vs. 8. Amish Rake Fighters – Bizzarohawks breezed through the first round against a team that had zero goalie play.  This week won’t be so easy.  Stellar goaltending may not be enough to cover the hideous offense (11 points..wtf?), especially with their goaltenders facing the offensive powerhouses of the Kings, the Red Wings and the Coyotes.  Amish Rake Fighters are playing with the house’s money, and you got to like any team that is just pumped to be there..even if their GM Peter Burns doesn’t even know the league is still going on.

Prediction:  Amish Rake Fighters somehow make the finals, pissing everyone off, eeking out another win 8-6-1.

2.  Texans vs. 3. Dave’Killer’Carlson – When they met in week 11, Killer moped the floor with the Texans.  The key weakness for the Texans is the goaltending.  Although Killer was outscored this past week, how the points were scored was the key thing…that and sweeping almost all goalie categories.  Texans will have to step up in one-off categories and goalie categories to win this matchup, Team Canada Brodeur will have to show up for Killer to lose.

Prediction:  Dave’Killer’Carlson wins and returns to the Championship for the second straight year, winning 8-4-3..asshole.

Next week: The Championship preview, proposals for next season, and the unveiling of the Anze Cup.

Playoff Preview: First Round

The regular season is over.  Congrats to the 2009 SJ Sharks for winning the President’s Trophy, it was an impressive season for this team.  Can’t really give GM Cole Ballard too much credit, as this was his initial impression to the team he assembled:

“Please rank me last, or maybe 2^nd to last.  My computer kicked me off-line right after I drafted Kovalchuk (mistake #1 of many last night), so instead of taking Nabakov or Backstrom like I wanted, I got Iginla.  His -2 +/- rating and 37 penalty minutes should lead me to that championship I’ve been chasing for the last 5 years.  Awesome.”

For the record, Iginla’s +/- is currently 6, and he has 51 penalty minutes.

With that, lets look at a breakdown of  of the first round playoff matchups, as we start back at square one again.  Keep in mind, if I projected the final point totals incorrectly this week, this analysis is completely worthless.  Actually, it probably is anyway.

1.  The 2009 SJ Sharks vs. 8.  Amish Rake Fighters

(Season series winner: The 2009 San Jose Sharks (18-4-8))  While rookie GM Peter Burns has done a great job completely ignoring his team, Amish Rake Fighters still find themselves in the playoffs.  Quite simply, this team doesn’t have the firepower or the netminding to keep up with the Sharks.  An upset in this matchup would be of epic proportions, and it won’t happen. 

Prediction:  The Sharks beat Amish Rake Fighters to shit with the Rake Fighters’ own rakes, winning 11-4-1.

2.  Texans vs. 7.  Champs

(Season series winner: Champs (13-12-5))  Should be a hotly contested rematch of this previous week.  This matchup will come down to one thing; goaltending.  Hard to believe that a matchup could come down to Brian “The Wall” Elliot. Out of the six goalies on both team’s the only one worth his sack is Tomas Vokoun.  This matchup will come down to offense, of which the Champs have more of.

Prediction:  Champs get revenge for the Texans GM marrying the Champs GM’s sister, winning 7-6-2

3.  Dave’Killer’ Carlson vs. 6.  Montreal Wanderers

(Season series winner:  Montreal Wanderers (6-4-5))  Two teams not at their best heading into the playoffs.  Looking at the past week, Montreal Wanderers appears to have the upper hand, but the devastating potential loss of Marian Hossa to injury could negate that advantage.  GM Court Watson must make the choice on Hossa tonight; word is he will travel on the upcoming road trip.  Wild card is Martin Brodeur, who could show his old form any week or play worse than Mike Brodeur.

Prediction:  Montreal Wanderers avenge their Championship loss from last year (a one point loss as a result of Martin Brodeur completely shitting the bed, ironically), winning 8-5-2

4.  Bizzarohawks vs. 5. Grand Rapid T-Hawks

(Season series winner: Bizzarohawks (14-11-5))  Bizzarohawks anemic offense against Grand Rapid T-Hawks anemic goaltending.  Can’t believe a playoff team has a very realistic chance of having goaltending stats disqualified for lack of starts.  If Grand Rapid T-Hawks can get the starts, they should have the offensive edge to move on the next round.

Prediction:  Backup goalies get the nod this week, and the mating of the two birds ends up with the T-Hawks on top 9-4-2

On a side note, please note the payouts on the league page have changed in lieu of the cost to create the Anze Cup.  Just one more image needed and we have the glorious beast for the champion of this league….it is beautiful.

The Playoff Race

It has been a few days since the teams making the playoffs has changed, I imagine what we see right now will be what be pretty close to playoff picture.  The big battle is teams jockeying for 3rd through 7th, as there are only 8 points between those positions.  Will be a big weekend for somebody.

The Suspense Continues

Even a change in plus/minus can dramatically change this playoff picture.  What an exciting week.  The President’s Trophy looks like it is lock, but SJ Sharks GM Cole Ballard has some concern over who the 8th seed, and his first team’s first round opponent, may be.  Said Cole “(Montreal Wanderers’ GM) Court, you better finish 7th or 9th, you asshole.”

 

In other news, GM Steve McIntyre, in an effort to raise funds after his team’s lackluster performance this year translated into dismal ticket sales, has decided to push his company’s swag in an effort to fundraise for a “rebuilding” year next season.  The shirt below is just an example of what he is offering.  Looks like a winner

McIntyre's Skate & Tape

Playoff Standings

Weird week this week, some teams are frontloaded with games at the start of the week and some are more backloaded.  The race is still close though.

The Playoff Picture

Nothing like an off night for most teams to completely skew the picture.  Current playoff picture is below, but expect dramatic changes after tonight once teams get going.

 

Power Rankings: Week 20

If there is a better week in fantasy hockey than the final week of the regular season, I know not.  Once again this league is very close, with 5 playoff spots still up for grabs, and only one team mathematically eliminated from contention.  Today we will be trying out a new system of ranking the teams in the league, it should be pretty easy to figure out what it is.

The Marissa Miller group

Perfection.

1. The 2009 San Jose Sharks (1) – Goalies getting better and better, offense clicking, and weak spots being traded to stud teams to become instantly better.  Pretty much as close to perfection as humanly possible.

The Bar Rafaeli group

Not perfect, but a close second.

2. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (3) – In what should have been a shit kicking, this team did exactly that.  An unlikely roster of misfits seems to be solid week in and week out.  Goaltending is suspect after the beat down Cristobal Huet took yesterday.

3. Dave’Killer’ Carlson (4) – Great comeback this weekend to chop with arguably the best offense in the league.  Showed that at the very least any team it meets in the playoffs will have to be strong in all categories, not just a few.

4. Montreal Wanderers (6) – Huge, convincing win this week after a slow start, despite the lackluster performance of its star player.  Goaltending could be the achilles, but this offense is one of the most potent in the league.

The Brooklyn Decker Group

Certainly attractive, but not at the level of the goddesses above and probably advanced her career the most by marrying an famous athlete.

5. Texans (7) – The only team in the Wales to clinch a playoff spot, but I am not sold on this team.  Wins big against bad teams but struggles against good teams.  Time will tell on this team.

6. Bizarrohawks (5)

7. Champs (8) – Was very aggressive before the trade deadline and made this team better long term, though it might not be enough in the short term.  Devastating loss last week puts this team on the bubble with a tough matchup this week.   Is there anything sweeter than watching someone get knocked out by their brother in law?

8. Malkin In the Middle (2) – Has cooled down and is battling injuries.  Luckily, is playing the worst team in the league this week, so should make it into the playoffs.  If this team doesn’t, it is well deserved.

The Kim Kardashian Group

Only ‘Famous’ for blowing some dude, really only looks good with a shit load of makeup and airbrushing.  Similarly, the teams below can at times look good, but in reality, they aren’t.

9. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – GM Peter Burns doesn’t even remember he owns this team, winning is unlikely.

10. We All Look The Same (9) – This team has the most potent offense in the league. But from week to week they are always missing something that would get them enough wins to move up in the standings.

11. Kanucks (14) – Need the stars to align to even have a prayer of making the playoffs.  Not for nothing, GM Dave Kitchen has tackled roster management similar to the way he would attack a guacamole, shit, cucumber, and zucchini salad with water dressing after doing  180 lbs. clean jerk dead thrust squat hang lifts.  The moves just haven’t panned out for him.

The Chloe Kardashian Group

So bad I vomit in my mouth just thinking about her, or these teams.  Not even sure why she is famous, or how someone finds her attractive.  Her only feature has to be she will let you put it anywhere. 

12. Jesse Loves Paymon (12) – nine points out of the playoffs but playing the best team in the league.  Another year, another potential playoff season on the links.  Rumor is that in a team meeting this week, the team considered firing owner/GM Steve McIntyre.  

13. Suck It Trebek (11) – Painful, ugly loss this past week, probably more of the same this week.

14. Andre Poodle Lussier (13) – Well, on the bright side, GM Matt Welsh got married and a bought a dog this year.  Too bad he can’t balance more than two things at once, and clearly knows nothing about hockey.  Except maybe what skates to buy.