Happy Halloween from the NHL

Spotted: One NHL commissioner in Glendale, AZ, dressed up pretending to own the Phoenix Coyotes and green in the face from envy of the NBA.

Oops, that wasn’t Halloween, that is everyday. Suck it, GB.

Power Rankings: Week 3

Today is the day the NBA season starts, and the NHL falls to number 8 (NFL, MLB, NBA, PBA, PBR, NASCAR, WSOP, NHL)among professional sports viewership in the United States.  Lets take a look at the rankings for this week.

1.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Previous: 5) – This team continues to dominate despite a very slow start from both Eric Staal and Ryan Getzlaf.  Perhaps this is because NHL’s leading scorer, Anze Kopitar, was stolen in the late rounds by GM Matt Meier.  Matt made a great comparison when asked on his rationale for picking Anze, “he is the Larry Fitzgerald of the NHL, how can you not take him?”  Probably one of the most accurate comparisons I have ever heard.  Ever.  With Huet heating up in net, all this team needs to do is find a second goaltender and we have a favorite to win it all.

2.  In Over My Head (3)– This team owns the best overall record in the league, propelled by the phenomenal play of Patrick Marleau and Ilya Kovalchuk.  GM Cole Ballard’s secret to success?  “Two words, no ‘Caps.”  However, the devasting loss of Kovalchuk for 4 weeks may hurt this team badly (sidenote: line mate Nik Antropov did not practice on Monday as well) .  It doesn’t help that goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov seems to be feast or famine, looking like the goalie he should be in Coyotes’ wins but looking like Red McIntyre in Coyotes’ losses (Oddly enough, Ilya did spend time with Red as a teenager…true story).  This team could theoretically start 3 Atlanta Thrashers on any given week, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.

3.  Kanucks (7)– How convinced is GM Dave Kitchen that Pavel Datsyuk is going to have an amazing year?  So much so he is trying to trade him for your best player plus your hottest player.  One wonders why Dave doesn’t just keep him if he is that good.  By the way, how many of you out there realize that it is tough to trade a player who is slumping and injured for a player who is careering it so far this season, on a dynamite line with loads of talent and had a pretty good campaign last year?  If you said that you did, then you are smarter than a piece of cow dung David Kitchen.

4.  Dave’Killer’Carlson (7) – This team continues to plod along, despite an overflowing injured reserve.  One can’t help but wonder how long players like Matt Moulson can continue their torrid pace.  If the offense can keep together, it looks like the goaltenders are returning to form and that means this team is poised for the long run.

5.  Texans (10) – Impressive win this past week despite the weak goaltenders and having Andrei Markov out.  There is actually quite a bit of talent on this team, it will be interesting to see if GM Chris Thomas manages it properly (he won’t).  Despite losing to the Texans this week, $0.20 Kane’s GM Red McIntyre was still positive, retorting, “my stairs - 1, his pants - 0.”

6.  Andre Poodle Lussier (Previous – 1) – With the exception of Ovi, this is probably the most boring team in the league.  How do you get excited about any team that starts three D-men?  On another note, did anyone know that Del Zotto is Italian for fag tattoo?  Well it is.

7.  $0.20 Kane (2) – While I originally thought this team was stacked, I think we may be seeing some players who aren’t performing because they are in bad situations and some players who just aren’t performing.  Furthermore, we are seeing some questionable moves by GM Red McIntyre.  Specifically, benching his hottest player, David Perron, this week even though he isn’t playing any less games than his replacements.  It could be that subtle moves like this moved this team into a battle for last in the previous year.  We will see what happens this year.

8.  Malkin in the Middle (8)– Almost clean swept this week if it wasn’t for the minimum 2 starts rule to wipe out Grand Rapid T-Hawks goalie stats.  This team is struggling to get anything going, but gets extremely lucky and takes advantage of poor rules or officiating.  Sounds like another team from Pittsburgh I know.  Hint: their QB is a rapist.

9.  TBD (2) - 

Enough said.

10.  Amish Rake Fighters (11) – Despite benching the team’s best player in Ryan Smyth, somehow this team is still right in the thick of things.  I liken GM Peter Burns to a fantasy version of Jim Zorn; a whole lotta hoopla, but not alot of substance.  Mainly just hot air.  Perhaps a mental midget of sorts.

11.  Swedish Old Balls (13) – The star player on this team’s offense is Henrik Sedin.  Drink it in.  This team is actually a lot like the Vancouver Canucks; Luongo isn’t going to get much help from the offense.

12.  Suck It Trebek (9) – Of the new GMs in this year’s, Ryan Schauble is struggling this most.  Having snipers Marion Gaborik and Corey Perry just isn’t enough to carry a team starting two New York Islanders.  The Monster is back for Toronto, but I don’t think that will be enough for this team to mount any sort of charge.  Ryan was disappointed at the Power Rankings in week 1, but I think I may have been too generous.  This team sucks.

13.  Montreal Wanderers (12) – How the mighty have fallen.  Continued success year after year in this league may come to an end this year, as injuries and flu decimate this team week in and week out.  With both Thomas Vanek and Alexander Semin back this week, this team might get the big win they need badly to prevent failing behind by a significant deficit, but the future of this team will be contingent on role players stepping up, and Henrik Zetterberg and Marian Hossa both returning to form.

14.  All For Paymon (14)– 8 of 10 starting offensive players are playing above their O-ranks.  It is only a matter of time before the player’s return to their statistical means.  For this team to maintain it’s performance, it will have to be through the waiver wire, as GM Jesse Cook is black balled by a 350 pound NFL lineman named JaHenry by the rest of the league.  Said one GM who asked to NOT be anonymous, Red McIntyre, “I wouldn’t trade them Kyle Beach, a prime example of how shitty Chicago is at drafting, even if Jesse paid me beyond the 8 pack of Lucky lager he owes me for the Canucks shit-kicking the Blackhawks.  You suck Cook!”  Enough said.  P.S. with the goalies this team has, there is a very realistic chance this team might not meet the minimum 2 starts and forfeit all goalie categories in the coming weeks.  Look for an “interesting” trade offer from Jesse to laugh at and reject soon as he tries to remedy his goalie situation.  And by “interesting”, I mean shitty.

Power Rankings: Week 2

If there is one thing the NHL does better than the NBA, it is that they don’t have rapists, drug dealers, crips, bloods, and juicers scheduling; no games on Sunday, competing with the NFL. Smart move. Because of this, the week was over on Saturday.

1. Andre Poodle Lussier (Previous: 3) – Solid offense and solid goaltending notched this team a victory this week. Other teams keep stepping up there game to play this team, and this team doesn’t back down. The scary thing is that both Mike Richards and Chris Pronger rode the pine all week long. It will be interesting to see if Simeon Varlamov can handle the rigors of the lone starter with Jose Theodore down and out from back spasms. If he can, this team should keep on chugging. Steve McIntyre An unidentified source hinted that GM Matt Welsh would use the proceeds to remove his gay bull's-eye tattoo should he win this league. I now know who I am rooting for.

2. $0.20 Kane (5) – A dominating performance from a very, very good roster. There is a little cause for concern when your leading goal scorer is Sean Avery, but luckily for GM Steve McIntyre, this is not an indication of a lack of talent on this team. As All For Paymon GM Jesse Cook stated, it was a “dead fluke (he) was able to even compete with this team, and this was the clear frontrunner.” Indeed.

3. In Over My Head (4) – A win this week to take top spot in the Campbell Conference almost solely due to outstanding goaltending. There are reasons for concern though, as both goalies are playing well above historical statistical averages and the offense could only muster 12 points. Perhaps the offensive struggles have something to do with the messy divorce of injured D-man Sheldon Souray and Baywatch hotty who cares what her name is Angelica Bridges. Nobody outside the locker room knows for sure, but GM Cole Ballard has to do something to get a stir from this offense.

4. TBD (2) – Riding the strong play of Mike Knuble, this team continues to looks good despite the fact that sniper Phil Kessel sits on the IR. Craig Anderson continues his solid play and if sausage pasta can get his game under control this team should be a contender the whole year.

5. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (1) – Not the finest performance this week as this team struggles in net and the offense was sluggish. Look for this to team possibly make some trade offers in an attempt to strengthen up in net now that Cristobal Huet is all but assured a starting spot…in the AHL.

6. Kanucks (7) – Walked away with a win this week despite having an injury to Pavel Datsyuk. The scary part about this win was that no one player really overachieved, each player is playing right around their historical career averages for the season. Lucky for this team, the loss of Datsyuk will not be too sorely missed as a hot Andy McDonald is ready to step up. Oh wait, GM Dave Kitchen dropped him. Ouch.

7. Dave’Killer’Carlson (6) – Good offense and great goaltending helped this team to a tie this week. Could we be seeing a repeat of last year? For the love of fucking god, I hope not.

8. Malkin in the Middle (10) – Solid performance this week as the team moved above .500. One wonders what this team could be if GM Dave Dugan could figure out how to use IR; he would be able to pick up two more players. Dave, please figure this out, it isn’t rocket science.

9. Suck It Trebek (8) – A good performance this week, but not a great performance. Having Milan Michalek on the bench the game he buried two shorties sure did hurt. Goaltending needs to improve, but not by much. This team might be jumping up the standings (and power rankings in the weeks to come).

10. Texans (12) – Held its own against a very good team. The only thing missing from this team is goaltending, and it is missing in the worst way. Looks like GM Chris Thomas is gonna have to put down the chicken-fried steak and make some trade offers to shore up the net.

11. Amish Rake Fighters (13) – Sometimes timing is everything, and this week, everything went wrong for this team. Uncharacteristically bad goaltending and horrible plus/minus puts this team in the cellar, but I wouldn’t be too surprised if this team mounts a comeback. The key will be GM Peter Burns management style.

12. Montreal Wanderers (11) – The team has struggled and wound up with close losses the last couple of weeks, but it looks like things might be turning as Tim Connolly and Henrik Zetterberg picked things up a bit this week. An injury to Thomas Vanek will hurt the team this week as it struggles to find its identity and desperately needs a winning week.

13. Swedish Old Balls (9) – Bad offense, bad goaltending, and indecisive management. This team has it all. 1st decent move only took after 2 weeks and 8 moves into the season; that trend will get this team far.

All For Paymon (14) – GM Jesse Cook changes the team name so many times that the reason can only be that he is sexually confused and has deep, repressed feelings for male model Paymon Torabian. I liken this team to its most recent pickup; not very talented and making the most of others’ injuries. GM Jesse Cook was also credited as being the single reason for blowing a 5-1 third period lead for Two In The Box of the Coast Hockey League, with two own goals, colliding with his own defenders to give the other team 2 breakaways, and then getting a game misconduct for tomahawking the opposing goalie on the head during a stoppage in play. What a winner.

Power Rankings: Week 1

If anyone thinks this week gave any indication who has a strong team and who has a weak team, they are wrong, unless it is regarding which team sucks, it which case they are right.  Some game changing injuries to start off the season; sucked in to all those who lost players.  For newbies, keep in mind that there are IR spots that can be utilized to save a hurt player and free up a roster spot.  If you were in this league in previous years, you know this.  If you are Matt Welsh, you are an idiot.

1.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Previous: 4) – As predicted last week, this team has the makings of an offensive juggernaut, riding the stealthy late pick of Anze Kopitar, the offense covered what could be gently described as weak goaltending.  It will be interesting to see if the offense has the staying power to keep this up throughout the year.

2.  TBD (3) – I said I liked this team, and it didn’t disappoint, strong showing in the past week making up for the lack of participation from the general manager, whose has been a mute with the exception of calling Montreal Wanderers’ GM Court Watson a “dick.”

3.  Andre Poodle Lussier (6) – An example that diversification works, this team started hot right out of the gates.  Dropping Franzen for no reason will keep the rest of the league scratching their heads like they got crabs from a Kardashian.  Hopefully, the dumbness of that move won’t come back to bite him, like a crab from a Kardashian.

4.  In Over My Head (11) – Tough to get to excited about this team yet; they beat team auto-draft, so it isn’t necessarily a good indication of what this team has.  In other news, GM Cole Ballard recently completed the 60 mile walk over 3 days for breast cancer awareness, well done.  You can still donate to cancer research and support him here.  The good news is that you know he will finish and your money will be well spent, because he has already done it.  The funds will go along way in finding a cure for breast cancer and keep puck bunnies looking good.  Next year, Cole is planning on doing 100 miles in 2 days.  TBD GM Scott Freeland did 100 miles this morning before work.

5.  $0.20 Kane (2) – A slow start, but GM Red McIntyre isn’t too worried about the offense coming around.  Goalies are suspect though, and one can’t help but wonder if Stevie Franchise is about to enter a sophomore slump.  Red expressed potential interest in Turco when he couldn’t figure out how to read league transactions, going off the record to say that Ray Emery sucked more dick than Red himself does.

6.  Dave’Killer’Carlson (1) – This just in, GM Mike Gaunt logged in for the first time yesterday.

7.  Kanucks (7) – All that pilates GM Dave Kitchen had Paul Kariya doing paid off right out of the gates.  Discretion must be taken when valuing this team however, they beat a team whose GM saw ice for the first time a month ago.

8.  Suck it Trebek (9) – A healthy Gaborik makes this team deadly.  How long the goaltenders will last will be crucial to this team’s success.

9.  Swedish Old Balls (13) – The veterans played pretty well last week, but they are still old and now a Sedin is out for a week.  The goalies are off to a rough start, but they should come around right about the time the rest of the team dies retires slows down.

10.  Malkin in the Middle (5) – Lost the first of many battles of Gannon State Alums.  For 100 fun points, can anybody find that school on a map without help?  Hint: They give scholarships to golfers who can’t break 90.  That isn’t actually a hint, I just wanted to point that out.

11.  Montreal Wanderers (8) – Slow start could be concerning, then again, he may have just played a hot team.  Either way, this team needs to pick it up this week to stop the free fall into the cellar.

12.  Texans (12) – Painful loss of Andrei Markov really, really hurts this team, along with shoddy goaltending from the Tomas Vokoun that needs to change quickly.  I would tell other GMs to expect trade feelers headed their way from GM Chris Thomas, but I am not sure he knows how to propose a trade.

13. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – Doesn’t look like a Cinderella story here folks.  Decent netminding and slow offense produced lackluster results.  The only thing that may save this team is the general sports fantasy prowess of GM Peter Burns.

14.  Bite Me (14) – Question: which team is the first to drop its first round draft pick?  Why, the worst team in the league of course!  Not only that, but the first rounder was dropped for a player who won’t see the starting line up until the third or second last week of the the fantasy hockey league schedule.  The best part is that GM Jesse Cook made his moves so poorly that he gave up two healthy players for one IR player and one healthy player…retarded, to say the least.  The very fact that he hasn’t filled the empty roster spot he now has by moving Johan Franzen to IR is further evidence Cook realizes how stupid he is and is hoping nobody claims O’Sullivan on waivers (or he is trying to get Bertuzzi as a handcuff for Franzen) so he can re-add him to his roster.  Smooth Cook, smooth.