Power Rankings: Week 9

Last one for a while as next week I head to Hawai’i for some overpriced average food and sunshine.

1.  Jesse Loves Paymon (Previous: 1) – Despite a poor showing by this top ranked offense, this team still managed a win.  This was most likely a result of playing one of the worst teams in the league, knowing it was going to be a cake walk and getting wasted every night of the week.

2.  Captain Chinese (2) – Another strong week.  The Vietnamese has this team going strong.

3.  Super Sperm (3) – Keeper Phil Kessel needed everything to go right the last day of the week, and boy, did it.  Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble thinks he should have a say in trades. LOL ROFL GFY.  Read the League Charter.

4.  Pistol’s Hellcats (7) – Average goaltending will keep this team from getting any better and being a legitimate contender.  Stevie Franchise needs to find his mojo again.  If he does, well done Pistol.  If he doesn’t, you suck Pistol.

5.  Anzoolander (8) – Strong week offensively.  GM Jesse Cook has built a pretty good team, just missing a few pieces.  Will he leverage next year to get Quick and make a run at the title?

6  Malkin in the Middle (5) – Made a move to improve in goal and had worse luck than Big Ben in a Florida nightclub.  Needs healthy goalies to survive the gauntlet over the next couple of weeks.

7.  This Space for Rent $5 (10) – 5 seconds away from a shutout, Luongo carried the defense for this team.

8.  Not Poodle!!! (6) – One Move Matt made one move this week, like clockwork, on Sunday evening.

9.  Sultan HC (4) – Could have won this weak, but the Capitals got shut out, and herein lies the weakness to this team.

10.  Me So Vyborny (11) – Barely beat the worst team in the league, but a win is still a win.  Brodeur is back, Hossa is back soon, and Crawford will be sitting on the bench doing nothing for this team.

11.  Texans (9) – Injuries continue to plague this team…y’all come back real soon to the roster, y’all hear?

12.  Kanucks (12) – I am betting that when GM Dave Kitchen went to Vegas this weekend he did not place a bet in the sportsbook for this team to win the Anze Cup this year.

13.  Bizzarohawks (13) – How did this team’s week go?  This sums it up pretty much.

18.  Everett Silvertips (17) – Clearly this team is in rebuild mode, which is sad considering the season is only 2 months in.  I think the look on Rick DiPietro’s face Saturday night sums up how GM Court Watson feels.

Quote of the week come from Steve McIntyre at a two thirds Commissioner weekend:

“I felt bad for Jesse on Tuuka Rask (begin silent hysterical laugh now).”

Rejected trade of the week:

Offered:

Niclas Bergfors and a 4th round

Asking:

Corey Crawford and a 2nd round

Jesse will pay more.

Power Rankings: Week 8

Who cares about fantasy hockey when HBO is doing a hockey documentary?

Preview to 24/7 Pens/Caps: Road to the NHL Winter Classic

I guess we can take a look at the power rankings if you are gay and don’ t wanna watch the video above.

1. Jesse Loves Paymon (Previous: 5) – As I pointed out last week, this team is the team to beat. Heading into this week this team had the number one offense and the fourth ranked goaltending. This was another week of very solid play, despite a lackluster performance from Joe Thornton. Look for this team to separate further from the pack in the coming week as GM Steve McIntyre will take pleasure in kicking the shit out of his brother-in-law’s team.

2. Captain Chinese (1) – Has the fact that they are being lead by a Cambodian GM finally started to takes it toll on this team? Got thumped this week and it was due to a lack of offense. The loss of Patrick Kane could be a serious issue. Everyone is interested to see what player near retirement GM Bert Fong will pick up to fix the issue.

3. Super Sperm (4) – Solid win this week by keeper Phil Kessel and crew. I don’t quite understand the Johan Hedberg acquisition since the Devils only play twice this week and Brodeur is back practicing with the team, but I also don’t understand why keeper Phil Kessel is a keeper and why goalies in this format aren’t keepers. So I guess I will just watch with no interest.

4. Sultan HC (6) – Offense was slow, but goaltenders carried this team to victory. A good win to show this team might not be as one dimensional as you might think (though it probably is).

5. Malkin in the Middle (7) – Umm, Sidney Crosby is ok. This team needs help in net though.

6. Not Poodle!!! (2) – Had just over half the points this team had two weeks ago against the Everett Silvertips. This team is quickly becoming one dimensional with the offense hiding weak goaltending. When the offense isn’t there, this team loses.

7. Pistol’s Hellcats (9) – Strong offense covered for awful goaltending. Shockingly, Steve Mason’s 5.20 GAA and .833 SV% put him on the trading block. Wonder what GM Pete Shpak thinks he will get for those numbers. Probably a load in his face.

8. Anzoolander (11) – Has had two big wins back to back against conference leaders. Solid performance all around but needs another goaltender that can be consistent.

9. Texans (3) – Injuries are beginning to plague this team, as the dominating performance against the Everett Silvertips three weeks ago is becoming a distant memory.

10. This Space for Rent $5 (10) – A team barely above .500 played like a team barely above .500. Had one solid player this week, a player that has to play well since GM Mike Gaunt leveraged the team’s future for him.

11. Me So Vyborny (8) – With Marian Hossa, Steve Downie, and Martin Brodeur out, this team is struggling, bad. This Tim Thomas save was above average.

12. Kanucks (13) – This team sucks only fractionally less than before, but it was enough to move up.

13. Bizzarohawks (12) – Has given up (understandably) on Ilya Kovalchuk. Other than Marc-Andre Fleury, not much is going right for this team.

17. Everett Silvertips (16) – Another week, another loss. Took a flyer on Ilya Kovalchuk and dealt away the best player on the team in the hopes of boosting this team. At this point, this team is too far gone and is beyond repair.

Quote of the week come from Jesse Cook on approving the Kovalchuk-Spezza trade:

“Sure. You still suck Court.”

Very true.

Rejected trade of the week:

Offered: Free real estate services

Asking: Danish clogs with three inch thick soles

Learn to live with your height, Pistol.

Power Rankings: Week 7

Wait, you actually thought I would do power rankings the week of Thanksgiving? Dream on, and go fuck yourself.

P.S. This week showed that Pistol Hellcats’ trades weren’t enough, that Jesse Loves Paymon is probably the front runner, and that Not Poodle!!! hasn’t been beaten, but they have lost. And yes, there is a difference, but I expect some GMs to be too stupid to know the difference (cough, Jesse, cough).

Power Rankings: Week 6

The parity of last week is gone. It is getting pretty clear who the contenders are and who has no fucking chance.

1. Captain Chinese (Previous: 1) – Another solid week by this team, despite brutal working conditions and minimal pay. I don’t see this team falling as long as Bert’s currency is pegged to the USD.

2. Not Poodle!!! (2) - Here is probably the best way to describe this team’s offense this week:

Ottawa HC had no shot after the first night, and Not Poodle!!! never looked back.

3. Texans (5) - Another week of prolific offense that is starting to fire on all cylinders. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook best described Texans’ manager Chris Thomas strategy: “He is such a lucky son of a bitch.” Agreed.

4. Super Sperm (7) – Keeper Phil Kessel and crew had a solid week despite keeper Phil Kessel. Solid goaltending and continued offense should have this team in good position come playoffs. Hopefully GM Ryan Schauble doesn’t fuck it up, some of his logic is stupid.

5. Jesse Loves Paymon (3) - GM Steve McIntyre has done a great job getting solid goaltending but didn’t have the offense to keep up with Super Sperm. Trades may be difficult for this team, as the GM is getting the reputation of asking absurd amounts for his players.

6. Sultan HC (6) – Didn’t have the firepower to keep up with the Texans this week, but some decent goaltending (and an off week for the Wall) helped this team to hold its own. One wonders if this team has what it takes to win a playoff week should the 17 Capitals on his team be off.

7. Malkin in the Middle (4) – The goaltending is a bit of concern, as Dwayne Roloson’s 1) not on the greatest team, 2) is not the future of that team and 3) is not very good. At least his numbers aren’t as bad as Roberto Luongo’s.

8. Me So Vyborny (8) – Tim Thomas continues to carry this team. The lack of offense is a bit of a concern, as is the nagging injury to Martin Brodeur.

9. Pistol’s Hellcats (10) – I don’t think this team would have beat any of the team’s ranked above it here, but I am too lazy to actually run the numbers, so I am just gonna say it is true.

10. This Space for Rent $5 (9) – Paid way to much for Luongo. Second trade rape of the year.

11. Anzoolander (12) – Not really sure how Steve Mason is still employed, but Mathieu Garon is making enough of an impact help this team out. The offense still isn’t quite where it needs to be, but it has been making improvements and isn’t out of the playoff race yet.

12. Bizzarohawks (11) – Bizzarohawks GM abandoned his team to get certified in Crossfit this weekend. Please feel free to add the next sentence yourself. I imagine that they will range from “That is awesome” from Kitchen to “Hahahahahahahahaha” from Cook.

13. Kanucks (13) and 16. Ottawa HC (15) - Why explain their misery when this video analogizes it perfectly (with Ottawa HC being in the white and Kanucks in the red):

Quote of the week comes from Dave Kitchen:

“Wow, Jessie actually paid $5 to change his team name”

Yeah, that could have got him 1 whole minute of Crossfit. What a waste.

Rejected trade of the week

Any of the trades that included keeper Phil Kessel.

Power Rankings: Week 5

Like the NFL this year, we are seeing a lot of parity in this league. But, also like the NFL, there is a team that is not good, and like the NFL, that team is in Seattle.

1. Captain Chinese (Previous: 1) - Weak offense was carried by some solid goaltending this week. Probably the most well rounded of the top 3.

2. Not Poodle!!! (3) – Keep’s racking up the points, with the only weakness being in goaltending. Both goaltenders get worse and worse every year, hopefully they can hold on for this team.

3. Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – Great offense, will Cam Ward make the difference? Until he proves himself, this team won’t move up any further.

4. Malkin in the Middle (2) – Very solid on offense. Showed this week that this team can still win even without Cam Ward, who put up Dwayne Roloson type numbers this week. Roloson won’t be adding any wins to this team, but he does have better numbers season to date compared to Roberto Luongo, so picking up Paul Stastny in the transaction was not that bad of a move. However, so far to date, I think this team is just lucky, facing off against weaker competitors.

5. Texans (7) – The Wall, Brian Elliot, performed like only the wall can this week. That, along with solid offensive production, and playing a cellar dweller, is making this team look really good.

6. Sultan HC (5) – Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.

7. Super Sperm (10) – All around solid performance, but nothing that jumps out. Look for this team to potentially make some moves to get it into the upper echelon.

8. Me So Vyborny (4) – Marian Hossa and Steve Downie are back and not soon enough…look for this team to bounce back after a bad, bad week.

9. This Space for Rent $5 (8) – It is the teams from 7-10 that could go either way. This team relies a little too much on one player, so we will see how they do in the long run.

10. Pistol’s Hellcats (13) – The trades made by crafty little GM Frodo Baggins Pete Shpak have given this team solid offensive production, now this team either needs the goalies to come around or leverage some offense for better goaltenders. Maybe advertising his needs using giant squares with shapes will work.

11. Bizzarohawks (11)

12. Anzoolander (12) – some good trades have made this team better. Because of all the trades, I am not actually sure who is on this team other than Anze Kopitar, the only player in the NHL as ugly as GM Jesse Cook.

13. Kanucks (14) – Sending out an S.O.S., sending out an S.O.S…..

15. Ottawa HC (9) – After being the voluntary recipient of trade rape, the great storm of 1781 that sent John Jameson overboard is being matched by the epic fantasy hockey storm in 2010 featuring injuries and suckdom of nautical proportions forcing GM Court Watson to drink seawater. Marian Gaborik couldn’t come back sooner, but expect a gentle breeze to end his season this week.

Quote of the week

“Dave. kanuxks. Just got he de a wedding. Shot faced.”

Oddly, Steve had a cheeseburger or six shortly after this gem.

Rejected trade of the week

Was any trade rejected?

Power Rankings: Week 3

With a day spent drinking heavily watching two different Seattle teams lose (what else is new?), I asked a few managers if they would like to contribute to this week’s power rankings.  Fortunately, Camel Toews GM Jesse Cook stepped up, and below are his team breakdowns.  No changes have been made other than a few grammatical and spelling corrections, and editorial comments are clearly marked.  Also, the order of the power rankings are my own, and since stattracker was blank today, I am going on pure guess, which is not much different from any other week.

1.  Captain Chinese (Previous: 2) - Somehow, Bert Fong has the #1 fantasy franchise early on in the 2010/11 campaign. Balanced scoring, two GWG’s from the likes of Big Buff, as well as stellar goaltending from last years’ tandem in Montreal, has other owners scratching their heads wondering “how the hell has this happened?” One reason was his ability to outsmart Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre by swapping Ryan Getzlaf for Jonathan Toews…another reason is he is just plain rucky. (editorial note: How the hell has this happened?)

2.  Malkin in the Middle (5) - Lost a close battle to Sultan HC, but has a team that will contend week in and week out. Cam Ward is back to his old self after taking a year off last season, and is possibly one piece away from being a force. Good thing for Dave he has Crosby, and not Malkin. Malkin is in the middle of various Russian prostitutes (DTD with a lower body injury), but rarely in the middle of any scoring on the ice.

3.  Not Poodle!!! (10) - This team flies under the radar, but has a fantastic balance of offensive talent and veteran goaltending. If Kipper and Turco can find some consistency, Not Poodle!!! should pose a threat week in and week out. Outside of Kipper, the rest of the team mirror’s Not Poodle’s low rating on the funometer. (editorial note:  Can someone please verify if GM Matt Welsh is alive?  He is still outstanding on league entry fees, and his roster is now locked.)

4.  Me So Vyborny (1) - With the #1 goalie in the NHL firmly planted on his bench, it is no wonder this team continues to lose. A word that rhymes with SPADE may be needed in order for this team to stay in the Top 5. Burrows will return this week, but sucks, especially when he will be on the 2^nd line. Sharp and Hossa (out 2-3 weeks) will surely cool down soon. (editorial note:  tough call to bench Miller or Brodeur, but Thomas should either be playing or dealt.  Also, ignore Cook and expect Burrows to be on the first line, Jesse is just bitter that Jeff Tambellini had value for about 0 games.)

5.  Sultan HC (7) - This team is pretty solid, and beat a good Malkin in the Middle squad with a great team effort. If the Caps played in any other division in the NHL, this team would be fucked…lucky for Sultan HC, they don’t.

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (6) - Dreams really do come true, as having Joe Thornton produce 8 points in a week as well as a shut-out from Brent Johnson, allowed JLP to beat an overmatched, but better looking Camel Toews. Now that Mike Green is back, John Carlson is about as needed as the one condom in Steve’s wallet during University.

7.  Texans (8) - This team owner has more horseshoes up his ass than the rest of the league combined. BAD BAD BAD…but, manages to win again and again. Once Chris Stewart starts playing like Chris Stewart, this team will fall back to the middle of the pack.

8.  The Space for Rent $5 (9) - Riding a Budaj and a Bobrovsky  (aka Sergei Bobby!) would be great if they were blonde Swedish sisters, however, they’re actually goalies in the NHL. This spells trouble for a team with a balanced scoring attack, and the hottest player in NHL, as any cool down will result in losses. I can’t believe no one has paid $5 to rent this team’s name…remind me never to go to the bar with any of you cheap bastards----EVER.

9.  Ottawa HC (11) – Duncan Keith, GM Court Watson’s man-crush (who happens to think Court is a massive loser due to being a 30 year-old gamer) had a break-out week, much to the chagrin of Pistol’s Hellcats.  Maybe Court felt bad about beating on Pistol and worried about an Only Child Syndrome (OCS) back-lash, as he gave Pistol an early (yet ugly) Christmas present named Daniel Sedin.  This just proves Court is about as good at trades as Kordyban is at making French fries, or Kordyban’s sister is at saying “no.”

10.  Super Sperm (4) - Unfortunately, Ryan doesn’t have twin Ovechkin’s, as relying on one player to carry the load week in and week out will ultimately lead to…tears. Wahhhhhhh!!!

11.  Bizzarohawks (3) - Were smoked by Texans this past week, as the problems in net are as gaping as Steve’s anus after a Saturday night with Lexington Steele.

12.  Camel Toews (12) - After getting smoked by Jesse Loves Paymon, Jesse is happy to bid farewell to Steve “I was only good as a Rookie” Mason. While having the most moves at the Commodore Ballroom resulted in countless conquests, none of GM Jesse Cook’s league leading 15 moves have resulted in….well…..anything. Look for more moving and shaking (er…gyrating) in the quest to acquire the best looking player in the NHL. Until then, thank your lucky stars if you play this team in the next 1-24 weeks.

13.  Pistol’s Hellcats (14) - Another week, another loss. Pistol Pete was busy fleecing Ottawa HC for Daniel Sedin, and adding his ugly brother, Henrik by way of Camel Toews. In a battle of the bottom feeders, Pistol and Cook will face off this week…too bad this wasn’t survivor and one could be eliminated. (editorial note:  even with both Sedins, would have still lost this week.  To live and die by players on one NHL team never works.)

14.  Kanucks (13) - Jonathan Quick is playing lights out, but cannot possibly keep up this pace the entire season. This spells trouble for a team with only one big-name player, however, the Hall/Eberle connection is starting to take shape, and should help this team out of the league basement 5 years from now. Look for 3-4 moves (i.e. not pirouettes, jumping jacks or weird shit not called weight-lifting) to get this team out of its funk.

Quote of the week

“How is my trade offer made public?  Even if you do find out, are you crossing the line of objectivity by using it in your post?”

Yeah, because this blog has always be so clearly objective.  Nominated for a fucking Peabody it is so objective.

Rejected Trade of the week

Offered:  Antti Niemi

Asking:  Craig Anderson, Semyon Varlamov and Andrei Kostitsyn

and a guarantee of always smelling like wilderness, open air and freedom.

The Trading Block

As the league develops, one helpful tool, besides Bert Fong, is the Trading Block.  The link for the Trading Block can be found on the league home page in the second banner at the top

Within that site, you can designate players, positions and stats that you are willing to deal or looking to gain.  This tool will only be as good as how much we use it, so take a look if you have a few minutes.  As you can, if everyone updates, it should be a useful tool when going out to conduct business (Ottawa HC may want to put the enitre roster on the docket, as they suck Paymon’s dried ball sweat salt off of Jesse’s chin…nice cat).

On a side note, please remember that all rejected trades, if submitted by one of the involved parties, are subject to be made fun of or discussed on this blog.  I don’t have god like powers and cannot see every offer that goes through, so don’t think I do.  Banter and insults are an integral part of this league, along with hookers and blow.  As some league members may remember, this blog was created just for that reason.  If you don’t like it, go fuck yourself.

Power Rankings: Week 2

Through two weeks, I think one thing is pretty clear:  Pistol needs help.

1.  Me So Vyborny (previous: 1) – Put up a monster week in points and the goalies are starting to come around.  This team is well rounded and if it can stay healthy, will be the team to beat all year.

2.  Captain Chinese (3) – This team will live and die with Carey Price’s head, which is rumored to be worse than Ottawa HC GM Court Watson’s head on the golf course.  For now though this team looks sharp.  Is there anything the Chinese aren’t taking over?

3.  Bizzarohawks (7) – Monster week on offense with some pretty stout goaltending.  Needs some more production from Ilya Kovalchuk and Jeff Carter before I put this team at the top.  I refuse to believe Guillaume Latendresse and Joe Pavelski can lead a team to victory.  In anything.

4.  Super Sperm (5) – Solid win this week, though it was against one of the weaker teams in the league.  Gonna need a bit more production from someone other than his defense to stay in the top half of these power rankings, but I would suspect that will happen sooner than later.

5.  Malkin in the Middle (4) – This team is missing a bit of offensive spunk to be an elite team; maybe Jesse can wipe some of Paymon’s off his face and offer it to Dave.  I imagine Dave would politely say no, thank you.

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (2) – I had this team originally at 4, but then I looked at the goalies….one is coming off a unreal year but the Cinderella story for his team may be over, the other is a backup on fire who will eventually just be the backup.  The new addition is old balls.  This team needs something else.

7.  Sultan HC (6) - Not a great performance, but good enough to beat a subpar team.  Had it not been for a big night on the Jersey shore Saturday night, probably would have walked away with a loss.  This team is to dependent on too few NHL teams for my liking, I can’t see this team being consistent enough to make a title run.

8.  Texans (12) – What the hell was I thinking last week?  Pavel Datsyuk, Eric Staal and Zach Parise all on one team?  How the hell did that happen?  Oh wait, then I looked at the goalies.  Yup, makes sense now.

9.  This Space 4 rent $5 (11) – The Sergei Bobby era has begun for this franchise!  I can’t wait to see what happens.  I like this team and Team Canada’s future very much, cause of this guy.

10.  Not Poodle!!! (13) – Here because this team beat Pistol’s Hellcats, which I think as the season progresses, will not be saying much.

11.  Ottawa HC (10) – Injuries are plaguing this team, as are healthy scratches and benchings, and when the second round draft pick contributes one assist, the team is usually in trouble.  And their GM is a shitty drafter with a man crush on Duncan Keith.  This guy is another reason I like Team Canada’s future, though I don’t really like this team’s future.

12.  Camel Toews (8) – Was outscored by the other team’s three best players.  Not a good week for this team.  Pick up watch:  Clarke MacArthur was dropped by GM Jesse Cook and scored a pretty goal last night.  Keep an eye on him as Cook historically has done a horrible job of assessing talent.

13.  Kanucks (14) – Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly (repeat a Googol times)

14.  Pistol’s Hellcats (9) – You lose 13-0, you deserve to be here.

Quote of the week

“If I had $5 I'd change my team name to Jesse Loves Free Agents” – Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre

Rejected Trade of the week

Offered:  Nathan Horton and Devin Setoguchi

Asking:  Steven Stamkos

Alrighty then.

Power Rankings: Week 1

After an extended week, we only really know one thing; this league looks like it will be pretty wide open, and injuries are going to be a vital part of the league’s fate.  Lets take a look at the week 1 power rankings for the new season.  How accurate are these early season power rankings?  Well, last year, week 1 power rankings had the two teams that ended up in the final ranked as 12 and 13, so clearly, they are as exacting as explosive diarrhea. 

1.  Me So Vyborny – This team looks to be the complete package.  The matchup this week was only as close as it was because Ryan Miller and Martin Brodeur had a combined 11 starts and only 2 wins.  Even this team’s backup goalie, Tim Thomas, had a shutout.  Odds are, the wins will come and this team will be a deadly force.  I don’t really see a weakness in this team, oh wait, General Manager Matt Meier sucks at roster management; last week he had a guy in the AHL, this week he has someone he could put on IR taking up a roster spot, and left one starting spot open, which is nice.

2.  Jesse Loves Paymon – With the help of a near line brawl involving two of his players, this team put a good fight up against the #1 ranked team and edged them out.  Still, this team is lacking a bit in net, which may ultimately be its downfall.  Made the stupid mistake of giving up Ryan Getzlaf for Jonathan Toews, thinking leadership mattered on a fantasy team (it doesn’t) and that could put this team over the top (it won’t).  Look for GM Red McIntyre to attempt to make some moves in the near future to get better in net, like pick up Brent Johnson.  Oops, already did.

3.  Captain Chinese – Offense looks good, goaltenders look decent, but ultimately, General Manager Bert Fong will ultimately fuck this up somehow.  Surprisingly, got the upper hand on the first trade of the year, which I think shocked Bert more than anyone else.

4.  Malkin in the Middle – His three highest scorers in the past seven days are all on the same team, and two of them are defenders, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing in this case, as the entire team contributed.  Jimmy Howard continues to justify his first round pick from last year, the big concern here is if Cam Ward can return to his playoff MVP form sooner rather than later.

5.  Super Sperm – The return of Pekka Rinne in net this week should shore up the spotty goaltending.  If all the role players continue to contribute, this team is going to chalk up a lot of wins.  The question is if GM Ryan Schauble will have time to manage his team with a pair of twins pooing all over the place.

6.  Sultan HC – A bit of a slow start for this team I think, but it will be tough for this team to move up any further with such a lack of diversification.  I would think this team might start making a move or two, but general manager Cole Ballard fears change, so that might not happen.

7.  Bizzarohawks – Solid all around offensively, with a lot of players who are multi-position eligible.  With Ilya Kovalchuk moving back to left wing, look for this offense to pick up.  Goaltending is a concern, with the lack of a clear, solid starter on this roster.  One wonders if General Manager Scott Freeland will make a move, or if getting a top goalie may cost  him too much offensively.

8.  Camel Toews – This team’s fortunes may depend on GM Jesse Cook’s ability to pick the right goalie combination week to week, as this roster has some of the most volatile goalies in the league.  Johan Franzen going down will be big hit, but the other general managers will be wondering who this team will drop once Vinny Prospal and Jordan Staal come off IR  By the way, is it just me is Prospal exactly what GM Jesse Cook will look like in 15 years once he gets his hair plugs, teeth bleached and spray tanned?  Everyone who knows Jesse is nodding yes right now.  Except Jesse.

9.  Pistol’s Hellcats – This team relied on a few to carry the many, and it wasn’t enough this week.  I would expect better production from the bulk of this team in the future.  Goaltenders have to be a concern; is Roberto Luongo going to be able to shoulder the load of Stanley Cup expectations?  Will Henrik Lundqvist turn around the slow start?  I would be on the latter occuring, but not to sure about the former; that guy cries under pressure, for pete’s sake.

10.  Ottawa HC – This team of young guns is also a team battling injuries, with 3 of its top players missing time in week 1.  The risks taken in the draft look like they are coming back to bite general manager Court Watson harder than Jesse Cook used to bite him in the forehead when they are little kids, with Marian Gaborik out 2-4 weeks.  The most pleasant surprise may be Kari Lehtonen, who might finally be playing up to his draft pick.  Only time will tell if this team is going to be relying on Sergei Bobby in net, in which case it is screwed.

11.  This Space 4 rent $5- This team is gonna ride Steven Stamkos like Paymon rides Jesse’s face…hard, messy and often.  Needs a little pickup from other players and a blow up by Michael Neuvirth to get Semyon Varlamov firmly back in the starter’s position in Washington to be a contender this year.

12.  Texans – Offense is going to have to step up measurably for this team succeed.  Also, I would be drop dead stunned if the same goalie combo that lead this team to the finals last year is able to do it again.  I mean, floored.  It is Elliot and Tomas Vokoun, for fuck sakes.

13.  Not Poodle!!! – I like very little about this team.

14.  Kanucks – I still like nothing about this team.

Reminder, initial league entry is due by November 1st.  Any team with entry outstanding will have their ability to add, drop and trade frozen.  Team names will be frozen tomorrow after 6 pm pacific time.  Changes to team names subsequent to that will cost $5, which will go towards the overall pot.

A Look at the Draft

We had record attendance at this year’s draft, and with such a big league, it is tough to identify who were the clear winners in this draft. Lets take a look at each team and identify where they are strong, and where they fell short.

Ottawa HC – Arguably the youngest team in the draft, and certainly the one with the greatest risk reward. Will Spezza and Gagner come back to his form from a few years ago? Will Gaborik, Lehtonen and Vanek stay healthy? Will Gustavsson live up to his hype? This team has 8 players with less than 3 years experience in the league and needs a lot to go right to compete, but if it does, this team could be a force.

Malkin in the Middle – A well rounded team with solid goaltending, offense and defense. Lacks depth, but if this team can stay healthy, it could be a force. On the other hand, players like Knuble, Tanguay, and Elias may produce like Knuble, Tanguay, and Elias, in which case this team is fucked.

Sultan HC – 7 of 10 starting on offense play on just two teams. While the majority of those players are strong, it just takes one bad week for those two teams, perhaps maybe the first week of the playoffs, and this team could be in trouble. Very solid goaltending, but overall, this teams lack of diversity means GM Cole Ballard is clearly a racist, sexist, ageist and anti-dentite.

Jesse Love Paymon – Some juggernauts on offense, but the talent quickly falls outside the center eligible players. Goalies will be a source of points for this team throughout the year, as Ellis may see a return to form with a young, talented a much better team in front of him. GM Steve McIntyre is already busy, dealing Getzlaf and a 5th round pick for Toews and a 4th round pick to the idiot, Bert Fong. Well played McIntyre.

Camel Toews – Made some deft moves during the draft and has a very well rounded team. The weak spot is at D, but that isn’t a bad place to be weak. I like the drafting of Franzen late as almost all other Red Wings were drafted too high. Mason should have a bounce back year after a sophmore slump and in a new system, and Downie should be a good source of points and PIMs. Has arguably the most worthless bench in the league though, which may be a source of concern. The rest of the league always keeps on eye on this team as GM Jesse Cook has a knack for dropping players with actual talent.

Kanucks – After Dany Heatley, arguably the most offensive player on this team is a defensemen. This team is horrible. I don’t even like the goalies. No relief on the bench either. Crossfit can’t save this team from being awful.

Bizzarohawks – This team has some great fantasy all stars with a solid supporting cast. Goalie play may be a concern for this team as Nittymaki fights for a starting job. I think this team is going to have weeks of domination mixed with weeks of being ass pummeled. Whether the mix leans in this team’s favor is the question.

Captain Chinese – Dare I say that Bert Fong didn’t eliminate his chances right at the draft. Dare I say he might actually do something this year? Nope, I don’t. Horrible team of mainly supporting cast players which should help him miss the playoffs by 5-20 points this year.

Texans – Last year’s Anze Cup runner up has some heavy hitters, but may be a little lacking at second winger. The love affair with Brian “The Wall” Elliot continues this year, but overall this team’s goalie tandem is as weak as GM Chris Thomas’ wireless internet connection.

Not Poodle!!! – Starting three d-men. Pretty much says all that needs to be said. This team should lead the league in PIMs with Bourque, Lucic, Oshie, and three d-men. Great pick up of Jamie Benn, hopefully GM Matt Welsh actually starts him.

This space 4 rent $5 – With the exception of one concussed player, this team has the potential to keep the dynasty of the Borg in tact. Has one franchise center and many other solid players. This team will hinge on netminders, both of which could have very good or very bad years.

Suck it Watson – Arguably the best wingers group in the league, and the worst centers. A few flyer picks on guys who probably won’t pan out, but this team has to very good young goalies that a fantasy franchise can be built around.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Rookie campaign has GM Pete “Pistol” Shpak going deep in goalies. As for the rest of the roster, is there anyone that any GM looks at and thinks “damn, I wish I had that guy?” Sure, there is some talent, but is there any one who can lead this franchise? We all saw what making Roberto Luongo captain does, not sure if it can work on a fantasy squad. Kudos to the GM for his team picture, arguably the best in fantasy sports.

Me So Vyborny – This team has overachievers (Burrows), underachievers (Leino, Jokinen, and Briere), veteran goaltenders and defensemen and players that might have breakout years (Wheeler and Abdelkader). Wouldn’t be surprising to see this team at the top of the standings if the underachievers come around and GM Matt Meier stops using roster spots for people playing in the AHL (Mathieu Carle).

Team names will be locked Monday, October 11. After that day, it is $5 to change your team name. All balances, trades and transactions are being tracked and can be viewed here. Entry fees are still due from the majority of the league, with entries fees due by November 1st. After that, for any team that entry fees are outstanding that team will be unable to trade, drop or add players until entry fees are paid. Instructions on how to pay are mentioned in a previous post.

A League Intro

With the draft looming, now is as good a time as any to re-introduce the teams and general managers in Puck You!  Lets get right to it, starting with the worst team from last season.

Not Poodle!!! – Followed up a 4th place finish where GM Matt Welsh didn’t try with a last place finish where he kinda tried.  Has taken two years to figure out how to place players on IR, and with his attempt to pay for the league in Canadian currency, odds are he still won’t be able to figure out.  Got married and bought a dog in the past year, but is still no fun.

Kanucks – Hideous performance last season proves without question that Crossfit is pointless, demonstrating that GM Dave Kitchen’s training regimen has no effect.  I guess his finish makes sense when you watch this Crossfit video:

Crossfit is for Winners

Jesse Loves Paymon – Two years of piss poor performance has done nothing but increase GM Steve McIntyre’s whining.  Basically, he is the T.O. of fantasy hockey GMs.

Captain Chinese – Has yet to be a threat since Bert Fong took over as manager.  Word is Bert is considering eye surgery in attempt to read the power rankings correctly.  Camel Toews GM Jesse Cook made a not so bold prediction, proclaiming that “by this time tonight, Bert will have drafted himself out of contention.”

Malkin in the Middle – Many ups and downs in GM Dave Dugan’s freshman campaign, it will be interesting to see how he bounce back from a summer that included a visit to Cleveland, a bad baseball team and a rapist.

Suck It Watson – Barely missed the playoffs his freshman year, but with newly born twins, don’t expect GM Ryan Schauble to improve, even with the #1 draft pick.

Ottawa HC – After years of dominance, GM Court Watson could barely muster a fight from his team and was knocked out easily in the first round of last year’s playoffs.  Layoffs and new clients have increased his workload, giving him less time to look at time wasting stuff such as fantasy hockey mock drafts.  Will be interesting to see if last year was a hiccup in a dynasty or the end of an era.

Camel Toews – A much improved sophomore campaign by GM Jesse Cook, despite an absolutely hilarious goat anus of a fuck up during last year’s draft. GM Jesse Cook was quick to identify the problem, revealing that “once I stopped letting Paymon blow it in my face, I stopped going blind from his throat yogurt in my eye and was able to see who I was actually drafting.”  So there.

Sultan HC – Dominated the season only to be the upset of the millennia, ousted in the first round.  GM Cole Ballard is a Seahawks fan, Sonics fan, Mariners fan, Capitals fan, and Silvertips fan, so he is used to failure.  Cole’s campaign slogan for 2010-11?  “Go Storm.”

Bizarrohawks – Ninja like campaign making the conference finals last season, GM Scott Freeland welcomes baby boy Shinobi into the world this summer, which means we should expect to hear even less from him, and his surprise attacks will be even more surprising.

This space 4 rent $5 – The Borg’s manager GM Mike Gaunt followed up a championship season with a near miss last year.  This year, GM Mike Gaunt has a new target in his sites due to the change to a keeper league.  His name is Steven Stamkos.

Texans – Hell of a rookie campaign, losing on a tie breaker in the closest final in Puck You! league’s prestigious history.  Will be interesting to see how this team handles a move into the historically strong Clarence Campbell Conference.  GM Chris Thomas is has a title run in his sites after spending a year in Canada and hearing nothing but hockey leading up to this year’s draft.  Ever the vain GM, Thomas had two words regarding his first pick…”Zach Parise.”

Let the games begin gentlemen.

Draft Order Is Set

It’s official:  The 2010-11 draft for the best fantasy hockey league in the galaxy is set. 

The method for choosing the draft order was a random number generator in Excel.  If you want to geek out and look at the code, go here.  Without further adieu, here is the draft order.

1	Suck It Watson
2	Malkin in the Middle
3	Sultan HC
4	This space 4 rent $5
5	Stanley Cup Champs
6	Not Poodle!!!
7	Texans
8	Kanucks
9	Ottawa HC
10	Jesse Loves Paymon
11	Bizzarohawks
12	Captain Chinese

Remember, there are 4 keeper players after this season, so we might not see This space 4 rent $5 GM the Borg draft 3 goalies in the first three rounds.

Entry fee for the league is $20 USD.  I will be up in Vancouver at a Two In the Box hockey game so a good chunk of the league can pay me there if they like.  No Canadian accepted, mainly because US banking is so ass backwards they won’t convert it to USD.  If you are unable to pay me in person, you can pay me through Paypal, which will take all currencies, and even credit card.

To pay using Paypal:

1.  Go to Paypal.com, select “Send Money.”

2.  Enter courtwatson@hotmail.com in the “To” field.

3.  Select “Personal” and then “Other.”  Click “Continue.”

4.  Complete the next page just like any other online payment.

5.  On the next tab, in the payment details, select “I will pay the fee.”  This should be a nominal fee of $0.20 or so.  The hit send money.

6.  The wise investment has been made.

Please let me know if you have any questions and thank you in advance for payment.

Coming up, an intro to the league managers.

And Now, A Message From Our Champion

It is a growing tradition that the champion is given this blog as a forum to talk about what it feels like to win the greatest championship in all of fantasy sports.  Below, I present the ramblings of Peter Burns.

Gentleman,

I'd like to thank you all for the congratulatory emails, texts, and phone calls on the Antler Cup victory.

Growing up as a kid in Baton Rouge, I never once dreamed that I would be on Fantasy Hockey's biggest stage, and not only win a Axis Cup championship, but kick everyone's ass.

The tale of this season reminds me a lot of the fable, “The Tortoise and the Hare”.  I don't remember why, nor the story, but anytime you can use the word fable, plus two outdated animal’s names in making a point, you have to take that opportunity.

When I started this league, I knew the goaltending would be the key. Not in the 1st week, but shortly after, Court told me how dumb everyone was, and having met Jesse before, i knew it to be true and that I could find some lemming to trade with me.

The Anus Cup is all about skill and being prepared. Hard work was rewarded.  I suggest you all work a little harder next year, not only for the Ants Cup but just life in general.

So as a proud American I end with this; Suck it maple syrup making Canuks.

Peace and Blessings.

CHAMPION PETER BURNS

That’s All Folks

And just like that Amish Rake Fighters have won the 2009-10 Fantasy Hockey Season.  That is right, the 8 seed, managed by a clown whose love of hockey who is inversely proportional to his love of the sound of his own voice, has taken down the Texans with the final score being a….tie?

Not exactly.  The Yahoo! fantasy hockey tie breaker goes to the team with the better head to head record in the season.  So this match was actually really close, with a tie in week 6 and then Amish Rake Fighters winning in week 19.  Basically, it came down to a best of three series with Amish Rake Fighters winning the series 1-0-2.

GM Peter Burns had to say this about the league after learning of the championship win, “I made the playoffs?”  In all seriousness, he would like to thank Montreal Wanderers GM Court Watson for reminding him to change his roster every week, reminding him to place guys on and off DL and for his trade advice, which helped Amish Rake Fighters obtain 3 starters for one in a blockbuster trade from the Kanucks.  Also, the Montreal Wanderers dealt Amish Rake Fighters Scott Neidermayer; whose 6 points (4 PP) in week 19 and GWG in the championship week allowed the Amish Rake Fighters to take the title.  At the end of his speech, GM Peter Burns notified the league the team was being disbanded and would not compete in future years, due to lack of interest/knowledge/good looks.

Thanks to all who participated this season.  Tentative date for next year’s draftapalooza is the weekend of September 18-19.  Please let me know if this is a serious conflict for any of you.  Hopefully, next year, the team with the least hockey knowledge won’t win.

With the huge success of Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre’s fundraising drive, Champs GM Jesse Cook has jumped into the foray, selling firewood and t-shirts.  Looks like a winner.

Jesse's Wood

This Sucks

Well call me Paymon and put my dick in Jesse’s mouth.  Who would think that 1) the semifinals were the four teams with the least knowledge of hockey and 2) the final is between the two teams with the least knowledge of hockey?  Not I, says I.  Let’s look at the final matchup

Coming up – a general managers meeting with proposed changes to next year’s league and the Anze Cup.

Texans vs. Amish Rake Fighters – This is it, this is the final.  Both destroyed their opponents in the semifinals.  Texans have a bit more offense, Rake Fighters have better goaltending.  This could go either way, but I have to go with Amish Rake Fighters..the George Mason of this year’s tournament but with a legitimate chance at winning.  This match will come down to one off categories (shorties, GWG, shooting %).

Prediction:  Amish Rake Fighters wins the Anze Cup, then the franchise folds due to lack of GM participation.

Changes for Next Year

At a general manager’s meeting in December, the 6 in attendance (GMs Court Watson, Steve McIntyre, Jesse Cook and three bottles of Crown) discussed the health of the league and changes that could be made to ensure the long term health of the league.  Below are some of the key changes that MAY happen in the upcoming season.  Your feedback is welcome in the comments section below.  Note that by the end of the meeting, only 3.5 original attendees did not make it through the whole meeting (R.I.P., 2.5 bottles of Crown).

1)  The league will be contracted.  Like the NHL, the league grew too fast, and some of the US markets just didn’t have demand.  Goodbye, Spokane and San Antonio.

2)  Total points will be added back in statistics.  This will work as a tiebreaker for goals and assists, and also makes it alot easier to complain about scoring more points but still losing because nobody will have to do the math.

3)  Shooting % will be replaced with Shots.  GM Steve McIntyre asked GMs Jesse and Court to look up the top ten in the league in shots versus the top ten in the league in shooting percentage.  Enough said.

4)  The league will be a keeper league.  Next year, we will start with only 2 keepers, and the draft will be random.  In subsequent years, the number of keepers will increase to 3 and then ultimately to 5.  This slow increase makes more sense because after next year, draft order will be influenced by how you finished in the league the prior year.

5)  The draft will be a live gong show.  There will be golf and gambling.  We are currently looking into several opportunities to host the draft at a conference room with internet and speakerphone so that those who cannot make the live draft can still participate online.  Those who don’t even bother to attend the draft anyway can still submit their pre-draft rankings.  It has no impact to anyone except those who want to play golf, gamble and drink.

6)  League entry fees will stay at $20/year.  However, additional fees will be implemented, as it should streamline the league, and increase payouts without placing significant burden on smaller market teams. 

a) For every transaction, there will be a cost of $0.25.  Looking at the past two years, the most active teams will owe an additional $20 a year.

b)  Team names will be locked 1 week after the draft.  Changes will be $5.  This is because team name changes are annoying.

Finally, the winner of the league will be the holder of the Anze Cup until the next year’s winner is determined.  Below is the epic Cup, though due to supply of Frosty Mugs, it has not been ordered yet.

The Anze Cup

The Buzzer Beater of Buzzer Beaters

Wow.  That pretty much sums up all I can say about this week.  Before today, I would have said the biggest upset was in NCAA Basketball, with Northern Iowa taking down Kansas.  After today, I think it is quite clear that the biggest upset in all of sports this week, possibly in all of sports history, happened in our league.  The Amish Rake Fighters have beaten the 2009 SJ Sharks a team called Unfuckingbelievable (The Unfucks).

This is like Colin Montgomerie winning a major.  Rick Ankiel winning a Cy Young.  Derek Anderson winning an MVP award.  Tiger Woods staying faithful.  All unlikely happenings, all now actually possible because of this upset. 

2 points.  That was the total production of 8 players today on the Unfucks.  Just one goal scored and they would have won.  Nope, couldn’t do it.  For the last 15 minutes of the last two games of the day, a shutout was required in both games to send the Unfucks home…and it happened.

Now the playoffs have been ripped wide open.  And with that, lets look at this weeks playoff matchups (I think, I don’t really know if the matchups are reseeded).

3.  Bizzarohawks vs. 8. Amish Rake Fighters – Bizzarohawks breezed through the first round against a team that had zero goalie play.  This week won’t be so easy.  Stellar goaltending may not be enough to cover the hideous offense (11 points..wtf?), especially with their goaltenders facing the offensive powerhouses of the Kings, the Red Wings and the Coyotes.  Amish Rake Fighters are playing with the house’s money, and you got to like any team that is just pumped to be there..even if their GM Peter Burns doesn’t even know the league is still going on.

Prediction:  Amish Rake Fighters somehow make the finals, pissing everyone off, eeking out another win 8-6-1.

2.  Texans vs. 3. Dave’Killer’Carlson – When they met in week 11, Killer moped the floor with the Texans.  The key weakness for the Texans is the goaltending.  Although Killer was outscored this past week, how the points were scored was the key thing…that and sweeping almost all goalie categories.  Texans will have to step up in one-off categories and goalie categories to win this matchup, Team Canada Brodeur will have to show up for Killer to lose.

Prediction:  Dave’Killer’Carlson wins and returns to the Championship for the second straight year, winning 8-4-3..asshole.

Next week: The Championship preview, proposals for next season, and the unveiling of the Anze Cup.

Playoff Preview: First Round

The regular season is over.  Congrats to the 2009 SJ Sharks for winning the President’s Trophy, it was an impressive season for this team.  Can’t really give GM Cole Ballard too much credit, as this was his initial impression to the team he assembled:

“Please rank me last, or maybe 2^nd to last.  My computer kicked me off-line right after I drafted Kovalchuk (mistake #1 of many last night), so instead of taking Nabakov or Backstrom like I wanted, I got Iginla.  His -2 +/- rating and 37 penalty minutes should lead me to that championship I’ve been chasing for the last 5 years.  Awesome.”

For the record, Iginla’s +/- is currently 6, and he has 51 penalty minutes.

With that, lets look at a breakdown of  of the first round playoff matchups, as we start back at square one again.  Keep in mind, if I projected the final point totals incorrectly this week, this analysis is completely worthless.  Actually, it probably is anyway.

1.  The 2009 SJ Sharks vs. 8.  Amish Rake Fighters

(Season series winner: The 2009 San Jose Sharks (18-4-8))  While rookie GM Peter Burns has done a great job completely ignoring his team, Amish Rake Fighters still find themselves in the playoffs.  Quite simply, this team doesn’t have the firepower or the netminding to keep up with the Sharks.  An upset in this matchup would be of epic proportions, and it won’t happen. 

Prediction:  The Sharks beat Amish Rake Fighters to shit with the Rake Fighters’ own rakes, winning 11-4-1.

2.  Texans vs. 7.  Champs

(Season series winner: Champs (13-12-5))  Should be a hotly contested rematch of this previous week.  This matchup will come down to one thing; goaltending.  Hard to believe that a matchup could come down to Brian “The Wall” Elliot. Out of the six goalies on both team’s the only one worth his sack is Tomas Vokoun.  This matchup will come down to offense, of which the Champs have more of.

Prediction:  Champs get revenge for the Texans GM marrying the Champs GM’s sister, winning 7-6-2

3.  Dave’Killer’ Carlson vs. 6.  Montreal Wanderers

(Season series winner:  Montreal Wanderers (6-4-5))  Two teams not at their best heading into the playoffs.  Looking at the past week, Montreal Wanderers appears to have the upper hand, but the devastating potential loss of Marian Hossa to injury could negate that advantage.  GM Court Watson must make the choice on Hossa tonight; word is he will travel on the upcoming road trip.  Wild card is Martin Brodeur, who could show his old form any week or play worse than Mike Brodeur.

Prediction:  Montreal Wanderers avenge their Championship loss from last year (a one point loss as a result of Martin Brodeur completely shitting the bed, ironically), winning 8-5-2

4.  Bizzarohawks vs. 5. Grand Rapid T-Hawks

(Season series winner: Bizzarohawks (14-11-5))  Bizzarohawks anemic offense against Grand Rapid T-Hawks anemic goaltending.  Can’t believe a playoff team has a very realistic chance of having goaltending stats disqualified for lack of starts.  If Grand Rapid T-Hawks can get the starts, they should have the offensive edge to move on the next round.

Prediction:  Backup goalies get the nod this week, and the mating of the two birds ends up with the T-Hawks on top 9-4-2

On a side note, please note the payouts on the league page have changed in lieu of the cost to create the Anze Cup.  Just one more image needed and we have the glorious beast for the champion of this league….it is beautiful.

The Playoff Race

It has been a few days since the teams making the playoffs has changed, I imagine what we see right now will be what be pretty close to playoff picture.  The big battle is teams jockeying for 3rd through 7th, as there are only 8 points between those positions.  Will be a big weekend for somebody.

The Suspense Continues

Even a change in plus/minus can dramatically change this playoff picture.  What an exciting week.  The President’s Trophy looks like it is lock, but SJ Sharks GM Cole Ballard has some concern over who the 8th seed, and his first team’s first round opponent, may be.  Said Cole “(Montreal Wanderers’ GM) Court, you better finish 7th or 9th, you asshole.”

 

In other news, GM Steve McIntyre, in an effort to raise funds after his team’s lackluster performance this year translated into dismal ticket sales, has decided to push his company’s swag in an effort to fundraise for a “rebuilding” year next season.  The shirt below is just an example of what he is offering.  Looks like a winner

McIntyre's Skate & Tape

Playoff Standings

Weird week this week, some teams are frontloaded with games at the start of the week and some are more backloaded.  The race is still close though.

The Playoff Picture

Nothing like an off night for most teams to completely skew the picture.  Current playoff picture is below, but expect dramatic changes after tonight once teams get going.

 

Power Rankings: Week 20

If there is a better week in fantasy hockey than the final week of the regular season, I know not.  Once again this league is very close, with 5 playoff spots still up for grabs, and only one team mathematically eliminated from contention.  Today we will be trying out a new system of ranking the teams in the league, it should be pretty easy to figure out what it is.

The Marissa Miller group

Perfection.

1. The 2009 San Jose Sharks (1) – Goalies getting better and better, offense clicking, and weak spots being traded to stud teams to become instantly better.  Pretty much as close to perfection as humanly possible.

The Bar Rafaeli group

Not perfect, but a close second.

2. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (3) – In what should have been a shit kicking, this team did exactly that.  An unlikely roster of misfits seems to be solid week in and week out.  Goaltending is suspect after the beat down Cristobal Huet took yesterday.

3. Dave’Killer’ Carlson (4) – Great comeback this weekend to chop with arguably the best offense in the league.  Showed that at the very least any team it meets in the playoffs will have to be strong in all categories, not just a few.

4. Montreal Wanderers (6) – Huge, convincing win this week after a slow start, despite the lackluster performance of its star player.  Goaltending could be the achilles, but this offense is one of the most potent in the league.

The Brooklyn Decker Group

Certainly attractive, but not at the level of the goddesses above and probably advanced her career the most by marrying an famous athlete.

5. Texans (7) – The only team in the Wales to clinch a playoff spot, but I am not sold on this team.  Wins big against bad teams but struggles against good teams.  Time will tell on this team.

6. Bizarrohawks (5)

7. Champs (8) – Was very aggressive before the trade deadline and made this team better long term, though it might not be enough in the short term.  Devastating loss last week puts this team on the bubble with a tough matchup this week.   Is there anything sweeter than watching someone get knocked out by their brother in law?

8. Malkin In the Middle (2) – Has cooled down and is battling injuries.  Luckily, is playing the worst team in the league this week, so should make it into the playoffs.  If this team doesn’t, it is well deserved.

The Kim Kardashian Group

Only ‘Famous’ for blowing some dude, really only looks good with a shit load of makeup and airbrushing.  Similarly, the teams below can at times look good, but in reality, they aren’t.

9. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – GM Peter Burns doesn’t even remember he owns this team, winning is unlikely.

10. We All Look The Same (9) – This team has the most potent offense in the league. But from week to week they are always missing something that would get them enough wins to move up in the standings.

11. Kanucks (14) – Need the stars to align to even have a prayer of making the playoffs.  Not for nothing, GM Dave Kitchen has tackled roster management similar to the way he would attack a guacamole, shit, cucumber, and zucchini salad with water dressing after doing  180 lbs. clean jerk dead thrust squat hang lifts.  The moves just haven’t panned out for him.

The Chloe Kardashian Group

So bad I vomit in my mouth just thinking about her, or these teams.  Not even sure why she is famous, or how someone finds her attractive.  Her only feature has to be she will let you put it anywhere. 

12. Jesse Loves Paymon (12) – nine points out of the playoffs but playing the best team in the league.  Another year, another potential playoff season on the links.  Rumor is that in a team meeting this week, the team considered firing owner/GM Steve McIntyre.  

13. Suck It Trebek (11) – Painful, ugly loss this past week, probably more of the same this week.

14. Andre Poodle Lussier (13) – Well, on the bright side, GM Matt Welsh got married and a bought a dog this year.  Too bad he can’t balance more than two things at once, and clearly knows nothing about hockey.  Except maybe what skates to buy.

Power Rankings: Week 17

At this juncture in our season, one thing is clear; the disparity between conferences.  A quick look at records in inter-conference matchups shows how truly bad the Prince of Wales division is.  Is it a coincidence that all the GMs in this conference are Canadian.  I think not.  Power rankings below.

1. The 2009 San Jose Sharks (1) – Anyone else notice that the hot goalies that have led this team to the top beginning to lose their mojo? I have..you can all thank me for that, or Jobu, nah, just me. What they need is rest, but neither of them is going to get it during the Olympic break.

2. Malkin In the Middle (4) – It isn’t that this team has won its last 5 weeks, it is that it has won them against mostly Clarence Campbell Conference opponents. The disparity between the two conferences is clearly evident, and it doesn’t take much of a fortune teller to guess that the Anze Cup will go through a Wales team.

3. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (5) – Continues to plod along and hang around. Last two opponents should be a cake walk and give this team great seeding come playoff time.

4. Dave’Killer’ Carlson (3) – This team doesn’t have what it takes to win, just has what it takes to be annoying. As shown last week, a good team can beat’em, and as shown last year, Brodeur late in the year can end this team’s season real fast. One wonders if GM Mike Gaunt will move Brodeur for a lesser goalie and some more offense.

5. Bizarrohawks (6)

6. Montreal Wanderers (8) – On a tear the last few weeks, though that it primarily because this team was playing Wales opponents. Tough schedule the last few weeks, goaltending will have to become more consistent to hang onto a playoff spot. If it does and the offense keeps firing on all cylinders, this team could be a playoff favorite.

7. Texans (7) - The highest ranked Price of Wales Conference team in both the standings and the power rankings, this team has one, yup, just one win against an out of conference opponent. With 6 of the 8 current playoff seeds going to Wales teams, the outlook doesn’t look good for this team.

8. Plattsburgh Pioneers (2) – The bizarro team of the Wales as the only conference team with a better than .500 against out of conference teams. If the goaltending can somehow come around and this team stays in the playoff hunt, it definitely has a chance at hoisting the Anze Cup. In other news, Jimmy Howard is awesome, Elliot is a phenom, and Nabokov never loses. Translation:  Smooth moves by GM Jesse Cook.

9. Swedish Old Balls (11) – This team has the most potent offense in the league. If only they still had Luongo.

10. Amish Rake Fighters (9) – GM Peter Burns doesn’t even remember he owns this team, winning is unlikely.

11. Suck It Trebek (13) – sucks…

12. Jesse Loves Paymon (12) – Paymon’s….

13. Andre Poodle Lussier (14) – engorged…

14. Kanucks (10) – tubesteak.

A Handle on Yandle

Great interview with GM Jesse Cook and his thought process on trades.

Power Rankings: Week 15

Next year, we are making the league smaller.  Why you ask?  Is it because Jesse only like’s to be in one big thing, and it is Paymon’s mouth?  Nope, it is because this weekly update is takes too long with this many teams.  Speaking of which, here they are for this week.

1.  The 2009 SJ Sharks (Previous: 1) – When I first put this team atop the rankings, I hoped it was a bad omen.   They lost that week.  Last week, no power rankings and they won.  This week:  I just had Jobu put a curse on you.

2.  2 mins for Whining (4) – This offensive juggernaut traded away some top talent, and in the process made his offense and goaltending worse.  Cellar dwelling goaltender stats will be the demise of this team, and judging by the recent flurry of moves to put this team on top of the transaction list, GM Jesse Cook knows it.  He was even spotted at a Canucks game courting Roberto Luongo to join his squad.

3.  Dave’Killer’Carlson (6) – The Borg is back.  By the way, does anyone else think it should be a requirement that this team acquire Alexandre Picard?  I do.

4.  Malkin In the Middle (8) – This team has been on a torrent pace the past month and is getting all the right breaks; a Monday morning stat correction gave this team the narrow victory this week.  The recent trade to dump a brutal goalie for a decent center only made this team better.  I pity the team that finishes atop the standings that battles this team come playoff time.

5.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (2) – Clobbered last week, this team lives and dies by goaltending, of which it starts two of the streakiest in the game.

6.  Bizzarohawks (3) - 

7.  Texans (12) – He may be whinny, but Alexandre Burrows has more goals in the past two weeks than every player on the Calgary Flames…combined.   With Alfredsson coming back hot and Vokoun turning it one, this team could make a strong push through the playoffs.

8.  Montreal Wanderers (7) – Consistently in the top 5 week to week in points the last month and a half and with a solid stable of goaltenders, this team just hasn’t had the breakout win it needs to advance into playoff contention.  Potential back breaking loss this past week, as GM Court Watson stated that the scoring adjustment to Steve Sullivan was “a kick in the nuts, I had the win, then I woke up and it was gone.  Now I know how USC will feel.”  Needs to destroy a team one week to gain any ground in the playoff hunt.  With Fleury hurt, that might not happen.

9.  Amish Rake Fighters (5) – Outplayed by a better team this week; this team just doesn’t have what it takes to be a playoff contender.  I don’t see that changing anytime soon, even with GM Peter Burns sitting at home all day every day now.

10.  Kanucks (9) – This team won last week, but would have gotten smoked by almost every other team.  Bad trades haven’t helped this team, though GM Dave Kitchen gets an ‘A’ for effort.

11.  Swedish Old Balls (13) – Canucks score, this team does well.  If only they still had Luongo, what a dumb fuck GM Bert Fong is.

12.  Jesse Loves Paymon (11) – See dumb fuck above, this team is the benefactor.  Do we blame the shitty team on the fact that GM Red McIntyre just had a kid, or do we blame it on the fact that his track record of sucking speaks for itself?

13.  Suck It Trebek (10) – Never seen a sophmore slump start 1/3 of the way into a GM’s freshman year…well done.

14.  Andre Poodle Lussier (14) – Another sophomre slump, only this slump is coma inducing.