Power Rankings: Week 2

Always excited for a guest contributor for these things as a fresh perspective only makes it better.  With his first power rankings and bloody hymen, I present Ryan Zupan’s power rankings for this week:

I've got alotta problems with you people....

Let's begin this week by talking about rapists:  Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, most starters in the NBA, Luke Mackinnon.  Time for some good ole fashioned slut shaming boys.

1. Henry Mc*name-which-shall-not-be-spoken-by-an-infidel* Thoreau (1)

Named for ‘Merca’s greatest pervert in the woods, Luke shares basically zero qualities with the great naturalist.  Luke has not the calloused hands of the wise woodsman thinker, but the silky soft mitts of one who has never worked a day in his life.  One who masturbates obsessively as if his slow beating heart depends on it.  Instead of gathering logs to construct his 1 room mansion in the woods, Luke caresses the mossy egos of dead wood GMs before hacking them down (left)wing by (right)wing.  Make ‘Merca great again.  Flush the perverts out of the woods & back in the Oral Office where they belong.  If you’re thinking about accepting a trade offer with this grade A wanker, do us all a favor & phone a friend.

Solid team & he has Connor.  I hate him.  Mess hates him.  Everyone hates Luke.  

2. Anzoomander (11)

On to numero dos, or in a language he's more familiar with, number 貳, a GM whose stock has previously fallen on suspicions of Carey hitting sloppy seconds behind PK's pussy parade & getting the HIV.  Before Tom Hanks picks up the script, shaves his head & gasps for relevance starring in the real life movie, let's just remember that it's not 1993.  It's 2016, when guys with aids can life a full life & Anzoomander, in the wake of a foreign tax that has shut his Rolodex out of the market, now has all the free time in the world to invest in his fantasy management.  Business is fucked, & so are we.  Mike Green for the win.

3. Super Perm (7)

The perm is strong with this one.  Some big guns up front, one of the best d-men in fantasy hockey in PK Zupan & a goalie in Rinne you can build a team around.  But as we know, all good things come to an end & in the case of Henrik & his Swedish Berry bum buddy Loui, that end came in 2012.  If those nuggets of socialist trash are still on the roster by Christmas, splooge better start eying up prospect reports.

Aside: does PK in a cowboy hat remind anyone else of Cleavon Little?

4. Me So Vyborny (4)

Big week offensively & the goaltending held strong.  Absolutely fleeced Court for Tuukka Rask & that alone is good for a bump in the rankings.  A bit weak on the back end but making a movement for youth this year at the draft just might offset the aging core. 

My vote for the greatest (non-McDavid related) team name.

5. Jessie Loves Gaymon (3)

If this league has taught us anything, it’s to sit back & let other pitiful GMs do the work for you.  This past week, for example, JLP just tipped back the recliner & watched the McSaviour’s stellar goaltending (wasted away on his bench) & offensive explosion of David Perron (also wasted on his bench) seep down the drain while cashing in on a 9-5 win. Andersen is the new Jonathan Bernier & Louis Domingue sounds more like a Puerto Rican shortstop than a top tier goaltender.  This team has problems, people, but like the US dollar, will benefit only on account of his peers being even more inept.

6. Purgatory Pussies AKA Hellcats (2)

Pete was actually going to be 8^th but sent me 5 deals this week.  I love Pete.  Pete is the greatest. 

7. Texans (9)

In case any of you missed this past weekends current events, Tex & Cookie got all dressed up on the weekend.  Here is a pic:

8. Lokomotiv (6)

All aboard the Cole Train.  Some old mamma jammas on this roster but any team with Corey Crawford is just on injury away from being downright terrible.

9. Kane & She Was Abel (8)

Kane & She Was Abel?  More like, lead this GM out behind the stable.  Kane came into the draft with zero goaltenders & left with… zero goaltenders.  The pride of Sherwood Park, Cam Ward, played his last great period in game seven of the 2006 Stanley Cup final when they stole the cup from my Oilers.  The only saving grace on this team is Patrick Kane & big man Buf.  Sorry, I meant to say the only saving grace on this team was that he played Hatrick Swayze.

10. Hatrick Swayze (5)

How does a GM who inherits one of the greatest players & goalies in the game do so poorly?  To find an answer to this question, I resorted to googling, “Todd Toothill” to find out what makes this jamoke tick.  I strongly encourage you to do the same.  There really are some gems no sooner found than on the first page.  The greatest:

 

What a tool

I say, “the greatest,” because it's great to know Todd can actually read.  We have to assume he’s reading of course, but the stilted, Siri-like rambling could only come from one whose mind is struggling to organize one written word after another.  Stay in school kids.  Wear helmets when playing contact sports & pull back the q-tip when you feel resistance.  You’ll all be fine.

11. Ching Chong Bing Bong (14)

I’ll tell you what I like about the Chinese.  They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren’t they?  You know they’ve seen the fork…

These words of wisdom ring true when you look at Bert’s roster.  He’s seen what good young players can do, yet he still went old school.  Guys like Iginla, Vanek, Purcell, Miller, Kronwall…  his only hope is to wait for trade rape, then pray the league gets infected with whatever suck has diseased his roster & they all beat him to the death bed.

12. Silvertits (13)

Court is one goaltender away from being a contender.  Perhaps Court can find that goaltender & place him in the empty roster spot Jonathan Huberdeau left behind.  Ironically enough, Huberdeau is who Court got back in return for trading away Vezina winning goaltender Tuukka Rask.  For a sonovabitch so hellbent against handouts, Cunt sure does a good job of spreading the wealth.

13.  Kanucks (12)

Brian Elliot.  I love the Flames. May their entire team rot in the deepest rung of Dante’s hell from the heavenly light of St Connor. 

14. McSaviors (10)

Taking the boobie prize for best worst team management is this guy.  Playing Talbot to eat his six goal loss to the Sabres & benching him to miss the redemption that followed.  Benching Perron to miss his hattie & missing out on O’Reilly’s four point explosion.  Just fucking kill me already. 

This team needs prayers every night, major injuries to key players on other teams & breakout performances from everyone is his squad. That’s it.  That’s all that’s keeping the McSaviors from excelling without their rightfully owed namesake.  But as that ole pervert Thoreau used to say something about getting lost to figure out what you’re about.  Well, gentlemen, I'm a far way from home & beginning to understand.  I am just fucking brutal.   

Great stuff, thank you for the contribution. JM.

Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back fuckers!  Another year of hockey.  I don’t know about you, but I am ecstatic.  So many great story lines this year: How bad are the Canucks (terrible)?  What talented young player will the toxic wasteland that is Edmonton destroy this year (all of them, to some extent)?  How many points with the go fuck yourself Edmonton line in St. Louis get and how will they rub in their Stanley Cup win (a lot, and probably by mooning)?  Was keeping rookie Hellebuyck a wise move (probably)?

The draft was exciting, with some surprises, and a little bit of tradition (Cole Ballard and Ondrej Pavelec are like Jenny and Forrest).  Without further adieu, lets get to the first power rankings of the season.

1.  Henry McDavid Thoreau

Another year, another shitty name

A used car salesman, always playing the game

Ignoring the team name, I will call them this

Luke won’t see my friendship shining through, and will assume I am taking the piss

His team is deep, his second last pick was a 28 goal scorer named Skinner

At the end of the season, I am thinking winner, winner, chicken dinner.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Out of the gates hot, as usual.  But just like Pete, once you get close, you realize there are some serious flaws.  Mainly, this team has one starting NHL goalie, and only two d men.  Lundqvist is done.  Those are real problems.

3.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Putting this team at third because they have to be in the top 3 just based on the fact they had eleventy draft picks in the first four rounds of the draft.  Only thing is, looking at this team, does anyone think this team is going to win?  Anyone?

‘crickets chirping’

I thought so.

4.  Me So Vyborny – If dumb fuck GM Matt Meier spends a bit of time paying attention to his roster, I think this team is actually quite good.  Some sneaky good picks in the draft, and not being stupid enough to give away his first pick overall to Steve McIntyre has put this team in a good spot.  Keeping one of your best players on the bench opening week and watching him score four goals in one game, not so much.

5.  Hatrick Swayze – Not sure having someone with AIDS is the best mascot in the world, but whatever.  GM Todd Toothill gets a lot of slack for keeping a third string goalie as his rookie keeper, but I like the move.  I also don’t know what I am talking about most of the time, so there is that.  A concussion to Crosby is a major concern, as well as Quick going down, but overall, solid team.

6.  Lokomotiv 2138 – Think I like this team, but it needs some aggressive moves by GM Cole Ballard.  Moves that don’t include Ondrej Pavelec.  Weak at the wings, strong on D.  Make some good moves, and this could finally be the year.  I do think this team will regret dropping Elias Lindholm.

7.  Super Sperm – Slowly moving on from the power house core it once had but is now so old.  This team is a perfect example of how to become irrelevant by making few free agency moves and no trades over the past few years.

8.  Kane & She Was Abel – I look at this team and I see the best team in the league.  If we were in 2006 to 2013.  But we aren’t.

9.  Texans – This team is probably better than this, but is getting so badly crushed that optically it was hard to put them any higher.  This team could be really good, but, just like any real NHL team, can’t be taken seriously with Kris Russell getting playing time.

10.  Connor McSaviors – Speaking of not being taken seriously, welcome to Zoopland, where your team is named after someone not on your team, and you start a goalie who plays for the Oilers by choice and not out of necessity. Good luck this year.  You need it.

11.  Anzoolander – Last time an Anze Cup Champion missed the playoffs was also the last time we had a back to back champion.  There is a very realistic chance that could happen again this year.  You could take Samjeet out of the local 7-11, throw some skates on him, and put him in your local rec league as a d-man and he would be just as valuable to this fantasy hockey team as the d-men currently on this team. Combined.  It has been a great run, too bad it is end in such a painful fashion.

12.  Kanucks – Name a player on this team without looking at the roster.  I dare you.

13.  Everett Silvertips – Team has no chance.  Terrible management, terrible luck, you name it, this team has it.  Fantasy Hockey AIDs.   That is what this team has.  Stay far, far away.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs – Will probably sit here until GM Bert Fong makes his next trade with Luke; and which time the team will be ranked 15th.  Anyone else think Bert should get a cut of Luke’s winnings?  I would normally say 50/50 split, but think in this case, 60/40 for Bert to give him the credit he is due for making Henry McDavid Thoreau such a power house.

I love all of you.

JM