Hello all, I apologize for the absence; I have made the regrettable mistake of being not terrible at my job, which means they ask me to do more work. I have failed to achieve the perfect mix of success and laziness that I desire. The backup quarterback is pretty much my idol.
That being said, we simply must have an analysis of the playoffs, so lets dive right into it.
First things first, to the teams that missed the playoffs, you suck. Especially the Milton whateverthefucktheyarecalled managed by GM Court Watson; horrible effort this season, you clearly fluked out last year and have no idea what you are doing. To finish second in points scored and arguably have the best goalies in the league (led in wins, GAA and shutouts, third in save percentage) and finish 9th only means one thing: shitty management. You suck. Bad. Hashtag awful.
Now lets move onto the matchups. If you have been watching this year, you should know there is one thing evident this year; parity.
1. Super Sperm vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon – Congratulations on Sean Stock, GM of Super Sperm for taking home the President’s Trophy as the best regular season team; a difficult task in of itself. The team is solid offensive, but the goaltending is suspect; with one of their starters this week winning one of his last six and getting shitkicked in half of those losses. Luckily, this team is playing Jesse Loves Paymon, which is Danish Hebrew for “fucking terrible at fantasy hockey.” Lets keep in mind that this is the team that held on to Sean Monahan when his advanced metrics were fucking terrible, and instead of selling high, dropped him. Also, Cam Ward sucks. Like worst starting goalie in the league sucks. The numbers don’t’ lie. Wives do.
Prediction – Sean Stock and Super Sperm waltz into the second round, thumping Jesse Loves Paymon 8-2.
2. Blackhawks vs. 7. Bizarrohawks – The alter egos face off. Stick tap to Blackhawks GM Mike Gaunt for not putting Patrick Kane on IR and leaving him in your active roster. Well played, idiot. When 90% of your team (just Patrick Kane) is hurt and still on your active roster, you will probably lose. If you don’t lose, you should still lose. Luckily, Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland decided to leave a fucking Vezina candidate in IR versus start him; when looking at goalies with over 30 starts and GAA, Bizarrohawks has the best goalie tandem of teams in the playoffs (and second overall), but a lot of good that does if you aren’t playing them. So, each team has handicapped itself for this week. Blackhawks are permanently handicapped, while Bizzarohawks can recover next week if they survive. I think I like Bizarrohawk band of offensive misfits (except Cory Conacher, another JLP fuckup) that I think they can pull this off.
Prediction – The Bizarrohawks advance winning 7-5, and figure shit out in net for next week.
3. Pistol’s Hellcats vs. Halifax Highlanders – I am very interested to see how this match goes. I think both have a legitimate shot of taking home the Anze Cup, and I think this might be a do or die year for Pistol’s Hellcats. The key pieces are old all across the board and losing value every game. Halifax Highlanders finally has a somewhat healthy season, and a couple goalies who, while volatile, can put up some pretty decent numbers. Varlamov has been a surprise only to idiots, and the Washington Capitals. So just idiots.
Prediction – The young goalies take down the old dude and the guy from Czechoslovakia that is terrible and Sidney Crosby leads an offense into second round glory. Halifax Highlanders win 6-5.
4. Anzoolander vs. 5. Flowers in the Cage – In November 2010, I wrote the following about Flowers in the Cage (then Sultan HC) (emphasis added):
“Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.”
It is now 2014 and you know what? Ondrej Pavelec is still not the fucking answer. Need proof? Since trading for this terrible excuse of an NHL player (seriously, there is no reason he should even be in the NHL), Flowers in the Cage 8-22. Puck Daddy also sums it up quite well:
“He's 18-22-4 this season with the Jets, with a 2.97 GAA and a .901 save percentage. He has a career .906 save percentage, “one of the most dismal marks in the game today.” He’s “a risk the Czechs can’t afford” if he’s between the pipes in Sochi. His contract is “the worst decision the Winnipeg Jets have made so far.” He gets social media love letters like this one.”
This team is now literally starting two backups as goalies, which means who the fuck knows what kind of production it will get. On the other side of this match, Anzoolander has this year’s Martin Brodeur in Ryan Miller (will eventually have a bad week and cost this team the Anze Cup), and a goalie that has never been reliable, though puts up great numbers from time to time. Offensively though, this team shines, especially with Stamkos back 2 years ahead of schedule from his leg being amputated (god bless performance enhancing drugs…what, you haven’t thought that as well? Are you ignorant?). This week, I think Anzoolander’s goalies perform, and their offense will overwhelm Flowers in the Cage.
Prediction – Steamrolled by Steroid Stamkos, Flowers in the Cage wilts in the spring, losing 7-3.
Good luck to all, and lick my balls.
JM
