A Handle on Yandle

Great interview with GM Jesse Cook and his thought process on trades.

Power Rankings: Week 15

Next year, we are making the league smaller.  Why you ask?  Is it because Jesse only like’s to be in one big thing, and it is Paymon’s mouth?  Nope, it is because this weekly update is takes too long with this many teams.  Speaking of which, here they are for this week.

1.  The 2009 SJ Sharks (Previous: 1) – When I first put this team atop the rankings, I hoped it was a bad omen.   They lost that week.  Last week, no power rankings and they won.  This week:  I just had Jobu put a curse on you.

2.  2 mins for Whining (4) – This offensive juggernaut traded away some top talent, and in the process made his offense and goaltending worse.  Cellar dwelling goaltender stats will be the demise of this team, and judging by the recent flurry of moves to put this team on top of the transaction list, GM Jesse Cook knows it.  He was even spotted at a Canucks game courting Roberto Luongo to join his squad.

3.  Dave’Killer’Carlson (6) – The Borg is back.  By the way, does anyone else think it should be a requirement that this team acquire Alexandre Picard?  I do.

4.  Malkin In the Middle (8) – This team has been on a torrent pace the past month and is getting all the right breaks; a Monday morning stat correction gave this team the narrow victory this week.  The recent trade to dump a brutal goalie for a decent center only made this team better.  I pity the team that finishes atop the standings that battles this team come playoff time.

5.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (2) – Clobbered last week, this team lives and dies by goaltending, of which it starts two of the streakiest in the game.

6.  Bizzarohawks (3) - 

7.  Texans (12) – He may be whinny, but Alexandre Burrows has more goals in the past two weeks than every player on the Calgary Flames…combined.   With Alfredsson coming back hot and Vokoun turning it one, this team could make a strong push through the playoffs.

8.  Montreal Wanderers (7) – Consistently in the top 5 week to week in points the last month and a half and with a solid stable of goaltenders, this team just hasn’t had the breakout win it needs to advance into playoff contention.  Potential back breaking loss this past week, as GM Court Watson stated that the scoring adjustment to Steve Sullivan was “a kick in the nuts, I had the win, then I woke up and it was gone.  Now I know how USC will feel.”  Needs to destroy a team one week to gain any ground in the playoff hunt.  With Fleury hurt, that might not happen.

9.  Amish Rake Fighters (5) – Outplayed by a better team this week; this team just doesn’t have what it takes to be a playoff contender.  I don’t see that changing anytime soon, even with GM Peter Burns sitting at home all day every day now.

10.  Kanucks (9) – This team won last week, but would have gotten smoked by almost every other team.  Bad trades haven’t helped this team, though GM Dave Kitchen gets an ‘A’ for effort.

11.  Swedish Old Balls (13) – Canucks score, this team does well.  If only they still had Luongo, what a dumb fuck GM Bert Fong is.

12.  Jesse Loves Paymon (11) – See dumb fuck above, this team is the benefactor.  Do we blame the shitty team on the fact that GM Red McIntyre just had a kid, or do we blame it on the fact that his track record of sucking speaks for itself?

13.  Suck It Trebek (10) – Never seen a sophmore slump start 1/3 of the way into a GM’s freshman year…well done.

14.  Andre Poodle Lussier (14) – Another sophomre slump, only this slump is coma inducing.

Power Rankings: Week 13

First, I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas. Yes, I said Christmas, because as long as Muslims continue to try to blow up airplanes, I have no inclination to be politically correct. Second, we are just past the half way mark and every team has played each other at least once; the playoff push is beginning for the teams at the bottom, and the trade deadline is fast approaching. Third, somebody tell the fat kid to put his shirt back on. With that said, lets take a look at this week’s power rankings. I know, it has been a while.

1. We’re Still Here (previous: 3) – Keeps winning week in and week out. I am not convinced this team is a playoff ready team, as so much relies on his goalies. But given the fact GM Cole Ballard is now at home all day everyday enjoying the sweet life and studying stat sheets, it is inevitable that he has the edge on all of us. I am hoping ranking him #1 will be a bad omen for his team.

2. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (previous: 1) – Won handily this week with his star center on injured reserve yet still on the active roster. Passive management is all that really hurts this team. Oddly, without much effort, went from having a horrible goalie tandem to having one of the best, just by picking up Carey Price, who was on waivers. What idiot dropped Price?

3. Bizzarohawks (5)

4. People Know Me (2) – The hot start by an overachieving team has started to cool, with only 2 wins in the last 5 starts. The confusing recent transactions on the league home page show that GM Jesse Cook is concerned about it…or retarded.

5. Amish Rake Fighters (7) – What did we learn about this team last week? That Fatty’s team sucks. Bad.

6. Dave’Killer’Carlson (9) – This team is like the Borg from Star Trek. Just hovering in the solar system, not doing much, and nobody is sure if they are gonna kill us all or go away.

7. Montreal Wanderers (11) – Has quietly won 5 of the last 6 weeks, including wins against the top three teams in the Prince of Wales Conference. This team needs to stay healthy and cannot afford a large loss if it has any chance at the playoffs though.

8. Malkin In the Middle (8) – Picking up Jimmy Howard made this team instantly better. Who is the idiot that dropped him? GM Dave Dugan pwned Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen in two trades, giving up a goalie he would never, ever start for a startable center, and then added an upgrade at D and two very good wingers, losing a #3 d-man on the 2nd power play unit for an offensively impotent team and a guy who got the shit kicked out of him last week. Fuck, was that funny. If lost faceoffs was a stat to have, Toews would be the player to keep. That, and ugly playoff beards.

Update: I was incorrect, Malkin traded a worthless goalie to People Know Me, not to the Kanucks.

9. Kanucks (10) – Nice trades….LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Update: Nice trade....LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

10. Suck It Trebek (4) – This team has lost 5 straight weeks…officially entering planet suckdom.

11. $0.20 Kane (12) – The win-loss record for this team is a goddamn roller coaster. I can’t figure them out. GM Steve McIntyre says they suck, but has done nothing to improve them since stealing Luongo from the retarded chinaman, so suck is what they shall be.

12. Texans (6) – Another team reeling in losses, dropping 6 of the last 7 weeks, and having only 2 wins in past 9. Do something about it.

13. Swedish Old Balls (13) – How did that trade work out for you?

14. Andre Poodle Lussier (14) – Ground control to Major Fatty, I repeat, ground control to major fatty, you think your spaceship knows which way to go, but you are, regrettably, dead fucking wrong.