Wait, you actually thought I would do power rankings the week of Thanksgiving? Dream on, and go fuck yourself.
P.S. This week showed that Pistol Hellcats’ trades weren’t enough, that Jesse Loves Paymon is probably the front runner, and that Not Poodle!!! hasn’t been beaten, but they have lost. And yes, there is a difference, but I expect some GMs to be too stupid to know the difference (cough, Jesse, cough).
The parity of last week is gone. It is getting pretty clear who the contenders are and who has no fucking chance.
1. Captain Chinese (Previous: 1) – Another solid week by this team, despite brutal working conditions and minimal pay. I don’t see this team falling as long as Bert’s currency is pegged to the USD.
2. Not Poodle!!! (2) - Here is probably the best way to describe this team’s offense this week:
Ottawa HC had no shot after the first night, and Not Poodle!!! never looked back.
3. Texans (5) - Another week of prolific offense that is starting to fire on all cylinders. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook best described Texans’ manager Chris Thomas strategy: “He is such a lucky son of a bitch.” Agreed.
4. Super Sperm (7) – Keeper Phil Kessel and crew had a solid week despite keeper Phil Kessel. Solid goaltending and continued offense should have this team in good position come playoffs. Hopefully GM Ryan Schauble doesn’t fuck it up, some of his logic is stupid.
5. Jesse Loves Paymon (3) - GM Steve McIntyre has done a great job getting solid goaltending but didn’t have the offense to keep up with Super Sperm. Trades may be difficult for this team, as the GM is getting the reputation of asking absurd amounts for his players.
6. Sultan HC (6) – Didn’t have the firepower to keep up with the Texans this week, but some decent goaltending (and an off week for the Wall) helped this team to hold its own. One wonders if this team has what it takes to win a playoff week should the 17 Capitals on his team be off.
7. Malkin in the Middle (4) – The goaltending is a bit of concern, as Dwayne Roloson’s 1) not on the greatest team, 2) is not the future of that team and 3) is not very good. At least his numbers aren’t as bad as Roberto Luongo’s.
8. Me So Vyborny (8) – Tim Thomas continues to carry this team. The lack of offense is a bit of a concern, as is the nagging injury to Martin Brodeur.
9. Pistol’s Hellcats (10) – I don’t think this team would have beat any of the team’s ranked above it here, but I am too lazy to actually run the numbers, so I am just gonna say it is true.
10. This Space for Rent $5 (9) – Paid way to much for Luongo. Second trade rape of the year.
11. Anzoolander (12) – Not really sure how Steve Mason is still employed, but Mathieu Garon is making enough of an impact help this team out. The offense still isn’t quite where it needs to be, but it has been making improvements and isn’t out of the playoff race yet.
12. Bizzarohawks (11) – Bizzarohawks GM abandoned his team to get certified in Crossfit this weekend. Please feel free to add the next sentence yourself. I imagine that they will range from “That is awesome” from Kitchen to “Hahahahahahahahaha” from Cook.
13. Kanucks (13) and 16. Ottawa HC (15) - Why explain their misery when this video analogizes it perfectly (with Ottawa HC being in the white and Kanucks in the red):
Quote of the week comes from Dave Kitchen:
“Wow, Jessie actually paid $5 to change his team name”
Yeah, that could have got him 1 whole minute of Crossfit. What a waste.
Rejected trade of the week
Any of the trades that included keeper Phil Kessel.
Like the NFL this year, we are seeing a lot of parity in this league. But, also like the NFL, there is a team that is not good, and like the NFL, that team is in Seattle.
1. Captain Chinese (Previous: 1) - Weak offense was carried by some solid goaltending this week. Probably the most well rounded of the top 3.
2. Not Poodle!!! (3) – Keep’s racking up the points, with the only weakness being in goaltending. Both goaltenders get worse and worse every year, hopefully they can hold on for this team.
3. Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – Great offense, will Cam Ward make the difference? Until he proves himself, this team won’t move up any further.
4. Malkin in the Middle (2) – Very solid on offense. Showed this week that this team can still win even without Cam Ward, who put up Dwayne Roloson type numbers this week. Roloson won’t be adding any wins to this team, but he does have better numbers season to date compared to Roberto Luongo, so picking up Paul Stastny in the transaction was not that bad of a move. However, so far to date, I think this team is just lucky, facing off against weaker competitors.
5. Texans (7) – The Wall, Brian Elliot, performed like only the wall can this week. That, along with solid offensive production, and playing a cellar dweller, is making this team look really good.
6. Sultan HC (5) – Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.
7. Super Sperm (10) – All around solid performance, but nothing that jumps out. Look for this team to potentially make some moves to get it into the upper echelon.
8. Me So Vyborny (4) – Marian Hossa and Steve Downie are back and not soon enough…look for this team to bounce back after a bad, bad week.
9. This Space for Rent $5 (8) – It is the teams from 7-10 that could go either way. This team relies a little too much on one player, so we will see how they do in the long run.
10. Pistol’s Hellcats (13) – The trades made by crafty little GM Frodo Baggins Pete Shpak have given this team solid offensive production, now this team either needs the goalies to come around or leverage some offense for better goaltenders. Maybe advertising his needs using giant squares with shapes will work.
11. Bizzarohawks (11)
12. Anzoolander (12) – some good trades have made this team better. Because of all the trades, I am not actually sure who is on this team other than Anze Kopitar, the only player in the NHL as ugly as GM Jesse Cook.
13. Kanucks (14) – Sending out an S.O.S., sending out an S.O.S…..
15. Ottawa HC (9) – After being the voluntary recipient of trade rape, the great storm of 1781 that sent John Jameson overboard is being matched by the epic fantasy hockey storm in 2010 featuring injuries and suckdom of nautical proportions forcing GM Court Watson to drink seawater. Marian Gaborik couldn’t come back sooner, but expect a gentle breeze to end his season this week.
Quote of the week
“Dave. kanuxks. Just got he de a wedding. Shot faced.”
Oddly, Steve had a cheeseburger or six shortly after this gem.
Rejected trade of the week
Was any trade rejected?
