1. Hatrick Swayze versus 8. Everett Silvertips (Regular season record: 20-6-10 for Hatrick Swayze)
I don’t expect this matchup to be close. Swayze GM inherited a playoff caliber team, drove it into the ground, and through complete luck, has built the President’s Trophy winner. Two of his luckiest moves include drafting perpetually underwhelming Elias Lindholm, who suddenly found Jesus on the ice, and, ironically, getting Kucherov for a box of cracker jacks from, ironically, the Everett Silvertips. Hatrick has deftly taken advantage of the rental concept to build a team stronger than he would have ever been capable of doing, and this is his one shot. The Everett Silvertips are old, tired, washed up, and probably have some sort of organ failure. They are basically the Nick Nolte of this league. Sad.Prediction: Over before it starts, Hatrick sleepwalks in the next round winning 12-2-4. Halifax Highlanders GM Dave Dugan cries a bit, regretting giving up a stacked team many moons ago.
2. Mitch Please versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 17-9-6 for Anzoolander)
Perennial powerhouse Anzoolander limps into the playoffs going up against a team that is turning it on. None of that matters, wanna know why? Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan is an Oilers fan. If there is one thing the Oilers and their fan base know how to do, it is misuse immense talent and lose. This is going to be a close battle, but I smell an upset. Or is that the oil sands. Either way, Alberta sucks.
Prediction: Anzoolander “upsets” Mitch Please 7-6-3.
3. The Champs versus 6. Captain Slanty Eyes (Regular season record: 7-5-4 for The Champ)
At this point Slanty Eyes zipperhead of a GM Bert Fong has done so much to help The Champs’ GM Luke Mackinnon that I would not be surprised if Bert just benches his team this week. I think Bert has a real shot, only because The Champ is coming into the playoffs as arguably the coldest team (and by arguably, I mean obviously. Nice President’s Trophy collapse). I am eager to see the outcome of this one. Also, it would be absolutely hilarious if Bert wins a playoff round, especially against his Trade rapist. That would be justice. Hashtag me too.
Prediction: Captain Slanty Eyes with the upset, 7-6-3.
4. Halifax Highlanders versus 5. Three off the Tee (Regular season record: 9-7-0 for Three off the Tee)
Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan managed to take a perennially awful team and turn them into a playoff team his first year back in the league (welcome back, btw). Three of the Tee GM has been tantalizing close to the Anze Cup, usually at his brother-in-laws watching Jesse drink out of it, but still. The first thing that jumps out at me for both teams is absolutely nothing. I mean it, neither team is remarkably and they are both middle of the road. I am picking the winner of this matchup based on the smell of my fart I am about to let out; rotten egg to Halifax Highlanders, vomit/shit mix to Three off the Tee.
Prediction: Man that was a warm one. Smelled like an abandoned chicken coop in Chernobyl. Halifax Highlanders win it, 8-4-4.
For the rest of you losers, congratulations on sucking balls. Except you Jody, welcome. Hope you enjoyed it and expecting big things out of you in the future. For all of you bums, here is your draft picks for next year, as well as dues owed this year. YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS TO PAY ME VIA PAYPAL at PUCKYOURSELF AT LIVE DOT COM. Failure to pay will result in a drop in the draft order by one place. On PayPal, select send money to a friend, and if paying by credit card, you absorb the credit card fees, not the league. As always, each team gets a certain number of balls in the lottery depending on their finish, as stated in 7.2 of the League Charter:
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