It is now 2016....hip hip whore-your're gay (Steve). It is only fitting that the 2015 Anze Cup Champion (Anzoolander) along with the only person who he has zero comebacks against (Texans) will write the first co-Power Rankings after the Holiday Season. With only a couple months before playoffs, we will look to review and predict with 100% accuracy the recent transactions that have took place as well as point and laugh at Court for being so absolutely terrible at Fantasy Hockey.
Finally, a shout out to my other brother (who the fuck is Anze Kopitar) for a solid 10 year, 80 million dollar contract. God is he good looking. Like an Adonis.
1) Anzoolander (1) -
Ranked no.1 is the tired new dad AnzePoooolander. Fortunately for this GM, every team he plays, the opposing goalies coward to his highly talented offence. His goalie stats are atrocious being bottom 6 in 4 of 5 statistical categories. Counteracting this goalie debacle is an offensive juggernaut that is top 4 in 7 of 11 offensive categories. Look out when Price returns as this team could look to repeat as the Anze Cup Champion. He will likely screw it up this year having to focus more of his time on his daughters pooh than hockey!
2) Texans (2) -
This team is overall one of the strongest top to bottom rosters of any in GPY, which is sad as this GM still has no clue what hockey is even though he lives in Canada. Everyone knows the Canucks lost a legit stud in Schneider, but Double D is proving to be a solid #2 tender for this squad. Johnny Hockey is the real deal, but he is so small he'll probably die soon so that won't be good. It is good to see the Texans decided to bench Kris with at K "Keeper Obv" Letang this week and that is already paying dividends with 2 apples on Monday. These terrible moves will make it next to impossible for this group of non-stars who collectively aren't a bad squad to make it to the top and claim the greatest trophy in sports. However, with yet another win against a big time opponent last week (Don't you know I'm Loko) this team could surprise everyone (including the GM) come playoff time. But probably not.
3) Lokomotiv 2138 (3) -
This team is older than Paymon's ball sack. If they don't die from old age or break their hips before the playoffs then this team can be pretty good. Not Great, see last weeks shit kicking by the second ranked team. The massive trade in the off season giving up Connor McDavid is paying huge in the short term. Time will tell how that pays off. Looking good so far.
4) Philosopher Kings (4) -
This is a very generous ranking after a terrible win against a bottom feeder last week. The Kings goalies are solid but 18 points is simply an offensive offense. 5 goals in 81 shots is on par with the % of chicks its GM picks up at a Las Vegas Night Club. This is not good considering every single female in Las Vegas is there to bang. All of them. God I love Vegas. While Connor McPussy will be back sometime soon, it might not add enough offense to take this team to the promised land. However, rest assured this GM will be looking to wheel and deal to make this squad better and in our opinion is ranked #1 in this category.
5) Kane and She was Abel (6) -
This team baffles me as to how he is ranked so high, then I scroll down the list of bad players and see Patrick Kane. He is worth at least 3 normal players on his own. His lackluster team can make up the rest of the point differential by being mediocre. In saying that, this team only has 4 players over 30 points this season and one is 20 cent Kane. With only 1 starter in net, this team is sure to fall.
6) Hatrick Swayze (5) -
Beating up on terrible teams in recent weeks has Hatrick Swayze's GM Todd Toothill overly confident for all the wrong reasons. This squad is one goalie deep, and unless Crosby has 10pts a week this lackluster squad has all the makings of a first round exit if they make the playoffs. This GM sees his team like a Victoria Secret Model when in fact it looks more like a Venezuelan Swamp Donkey like the ones he used to take down in the bathroom at Bimini's. To his defense these bangs were all consensual as the women were all sober thanks to round after round of milk & grenadine shots. Brilliant move, golf clap. I digress....this team is in shambles, just like Chubbs Peterson's hand, and his favorite Giants player Jason Pierre-Paul.
7) Jesse Loves Paymon (8) -
This team has given up on this season and may still make the playoffs. That says a ton about the teams ranked below this team. This GM's only hope of winning the Anze Cup again is to have more kids. Every time he has a kid, he pays less attention to his team thus making his team infinitely better. Way to be a great dad. I commend you for that. Go Portugal!
8) Super Sperm (10) -
The fact that this team isn't ranked 15th after losing to the lowly ChingChong BingBong's might have everyone scratching their heads, however, with Ovi this team can still squeak into the playoffs. It really is a one man show as both goalies are terrible, C's are awful, LW's and dreadful, D is embarrassing and don't get me started about the bench. It would be prudent for Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble to get off his ass, stop watching re-runs of Blind Date and make a move or two. A good start would be Michael Stone to Everett Silvertips for Tyler Seguin as this will somehow make mathematical sense to Court Watson...lol...what a terrible fucking fantasy GM!!!
9) Me So Vyborny (9) -
This team is bottom 6 in 8 of 11 statistical categories for his offence and bottom 3 in 3 of 5 goalie stats. Just Terrible. The recent trade will help a bit but not enough to make the playoffs. Better make some more trades. 10 should do the trick.
10) ChingChong BingBongs (13) -
This is a huge jump for ChingChong BingBong's GM Bert Fong after a solid thrashing of Super Sperm last week. This ranking is also due to the terrible display of GM'ing by Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson after the (horrible) trade heard around the world. I asked Bert Fong if he had any insight on this trade and he replied "I spoke to Me So Vyborny GM Matt 'Daniel' and he said he accidentally sent Court the trade with just Barrie and a pick but forgot to add Phil Kessel. He knew Court would auto-delete the deal and would simply re-send, but to his amazement Court accepted the deal which was fucking hilarious and Matt celebrated with hookers and blow all weekend!" Moving along, Bert's worst enemy is himself and this was once again on display by trading away a 4th pick and some bum for Colton Parayko (who???) who is awful and only has marginal points due to early injuries on the STL blue-line. Ruckiry for Bert, Hornqvist and Lack are lighting it the fuck up this season which makes the Eichel trade for him that much sweeter. Just kidding. You suck Bert.
11) Everett Silvertips (7)
No words.
12) Kanucks (12) -
When you have Brian "The Wall" Elliott you are a really really really bad franchise. Unless you play Anzoolander in which case he plays outside his mind which is a foreshadow to this weeks matchup where the Kanucks will somehow win. All the while Kanucks GM will not be spending time watching the match, rather, watching people who aren't good at sports wear hilarious clothes running around like Orangutang's. Business is good though, and for that I give GM Dave Kitchen much respect. His team on the other hand I have no respect for...an utter embarrassment to such a rich and historic league. Get your shit together.
13) Connor McSaviors (11) -
I am trying to find a positive about this team. 10 beers in and got it, this team has a couple of young decent players. That's it. Better luck next year. I raise another beer in your epic failure!
14) Pistol's Hellcats (14) -
It was funny at first to have Pistol's Hellcats GM Pete Shpak ranked #14 due to the fact his team picture did not represent his team name. In a very short time his team has tanked so far that it now deserves the cellar dweller blow job tag, especially after tying the Kanucks last week with 14 total points. Yes, Holtby should and will win the Vezina. Yes, Lundqvist is uncomfortably good looking. But no, these are not enough to carry such a bad team that not only Justin Williams IS on your team, but is carrying your offense. If you see a child throwing a tantrum at the Main and Terminal McDonald's this week, it is probably an under 6 foot Pistol Pete losing it in the bouncy castle as he tries to figure out how to right this sinking ship.
The End
