Power Rankings: Week 15

A huge week this week as the playoff picture became a little clearer and the top teams created a bit of separation from those booking tee times for mid march, lets take a look at the new power rankings

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop – Finally, finally, this team lost. RoBERTo LuFONGo reaped the benefits of being on the caretaker side of the most mentally retarded trade in the history of fantasy sports, and threw in a shutout to close the door on Reggie Reg. One loss does not a bad team make however. This week won’t show much, with manager Mike Gaunt’s tendency to not even look at his roster, he may not adjust to get the most games in the shortened all-star week.

2. WONDERS ON ICE – A very strong performance in net on the final day led to a dominating performance this week by WOI, reaping the rewards of dealing Ilya Kovalchuk for Marc-Andre Fleury, and an offense that has barely skipped a beat with the loss of the Atlanta Flames sniper. Another team that could fall victim to its manager’s passive management style this week.

3. GM Anze Backup – A crushing loss this week, but the numbers for this team are staggeringly strong; GAB sits in the top 3 in almost half of the offensive categories, and with the return of Roberto Luongo and Danny Briere, this team still has lots of time to get back in the playoff picture.

4. RoBERTo LuFONGo – Is it just me, or with the pickup of Brendan Shanahan, Teemu Selanne and Mats Sundin, does anyone else picture this team manager as Ben Stiller in Happy Gilmore managing a bunch of old fucks as the make arts and crafts for sale? Getting Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk for a pittance has turned this team into an offensive juggernaut, but his goaltending is still streaky at best. The league is waiting to see if he does anything to improve the situation, but knowing manager Bert Fong’s strategy in all other situations, BIZZAROHAWKS manager Scott Freeland says Bert is “is an ugly SOB with a small penis…when (you) are right you are right.”

5. Ottawa HC – The most active manager in the league has almost completely retooled this roster and using a strategy of trading big names for talent and picking up talented players coming off severe injuries, has developed a very deep offensive team. The cost of the retooling has been in net, with OHC running a very fine line between greatness and failure. If they can hold on and stay healthy until late February when Martin Brodeur returns, OHC could make a huge playoff run.

6. Western WA Capitals – This team fell short this week after being the retard in the most retarded fantasy trade of all time. Don’t be fooled by last week’s score, the categories that indicate sold team performance this team got thumped. Manager Cole Ballard was at a loss, sending out a team wide memo that had only one word; “?????????”

7. Mystery Eskimos – An injured Rick Nash and a quiet week across the board hurt this team this week. Shooting % may be an indication of the troubles that lie ahead. Even with Nash back, managers in the league question if this team relies too much on goaltending to make a legitimate playoff run.

8. The BIZZAROHAWKS – It would be interesting to see how this team playing against its former star, Steve Mason, and TB held up well. Buoyed by a new uniform, this team had a strong performance this week, but was held to a tie after Ryan Smyth had the game of his life Sunday night, and Stevie Franchise notched a win for Not Poodle!!! One thing is for sure about this team; that manager Scott Freeland loves ugly faced jerseys…and CAPS Lock.

9. Not Poodle!!! – Bought high on Stevie Franchise, who put up mediocre numbers. The Detroit Red Wings played well this week, but it wasn’t enough to give NP the W, and it was looking like a loss until Ryan Smyth saved manager Matt Welsh’s neck. After a harrowing week, all Welsh could say was “(mumble, mumble, mumble), I need some vagina.”

10. Anzes Puck Bunny – Manager Jesse Cook renamed the team in a attempt to set the record straight. Not only is he Anze Kopitar’s equally ugly cousin, but he is also the catcher in their locker room trysts. When questioned on this new revelation, Paymon refused to comment (though off the record he may have referred to Jesse as a “cum dumpster”). Maybe this new strategy of being the team puck slut and taking it from all the players is paying off, as this team showed some offensive prowess this week, but his current streak of win one, lose two continues to drill him into the cellar harder than Ryan and Kopitar drill Cook in the showers.