Power Rankings: Week 14

The NHL All-Star rosters have been selected, and it appears that they are almost as out of touch with reality as Jesse Cook and his trade offers. Let’s take a look at this week’s power rankings, with a note on how many All-Stars each roster holds. Note the general trend of the worse teams having more “all-stars”

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop – Another week, another win….yawn. 1 player.

2. George McPhee – The team held on this week for a win, but this may be all downhill from here, after manager Cole Ballard dealt Pavel Datsyuk and Jeff Carter for Alexander Ovechkin. To much reliance on one team can cause volatility, which can causes losses. The next few weeks will show what this team is made of. 1 player.

3. WONDERS ON ICE – Precariously holding onto the number 2 spot in the league standings after a loss to the unpredictable Not Poodle!!! With ample firepower, WOI manager dealt Ilya Kovalchuk to Ottawa HC for a stronger presence in net. It will be interesting to see what the future holds for WOI, but at least one opposing manager doesn’t think it is bright. George McPhee manager Cole Ballard predicted “I guarantee (he) will not make the playoffs.” 4 players.

4. Mystery Eskimos – Yeah, this team lost this week, but everyone loses to RRD. This team made what could be some dynamite moves in the past week, will it be enough to get them a first round bye in the playoffs? 4 players.

5. Not Poodle!!! – Great pickup this week in a trade that saw this team add Steve Mason in net. When the Detroit Red Wings have a bad week, this team loses. When the Red Wings have a good week, go fuck yourself Fatty. 0 players.

6. Anzoolander Killer – This team is shit kicking and not even bother to take names, with 4 straight winning weeks. Led by strong goaltending (4 shutouts in the past 2 weeks), this team is now only 8 points out of a playoffs spot. Big matchup this week against his former goalie Steve Mason and Not Poodle!!! 4 players.

7. GM Anze Backup – This team just didn’t have what it took to take on Anzoolander Killer this week, and manager Steve McIntyre is hoping he doesn’t have to meet AK in the playoffs. With Roberto Luongo expected to come back this Thursday, GAB will have to put up a convincing win this week against Ottawa HC to move up in the eyes of this writer. 7 players.

8. RoBERTO LuFONGo – Mats Sudin is back, and Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk will be in uniform this coming week. This team could see a rapid climb up the standings going forward. It will be interesting to watch how manager Bert Fong fucks this up, and it is almost guaranteed he will. 3 players.

9. Ottawa HC – After being called the “Ottawa Horrible Club” by Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook leading into the week, the team went on a tear offensively and took down Anzoolander handily. When asked to comment on the victory, OHC manager Court Watson could only humbly say “KaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” Still, when you beat the worst team it isn’t proving much. Ottawa HC will have to put up a good fight against GM Anze Backup this week. 3 players.

10. My left testicle after 3 hours on the treadmill. 0 players.

11. Anzoolander – When you play against a team you says suck, and that sucky team makes you look even suckier, odds are you probably suck even more. Anzoolander is no exception. After losing to Ottawa HC, GM Jesse Cook could only muster "gg." Based on his homosexual relationship with Paymon, this writer can only assume Jesse was admiting he was a gay gorilla. With the exception of rapidly rising Bobby Ryan, this team of crap really has nothing to offer to other managers in the way of trades. Even Cook admits “there could be a fire sale soon.” Nothing like a bag of flaming poo for sale. 5 players on the all star team.