Black Balls

DISCLAIMER: This article does not go into detail about the state of Jesse Cook’s testicles after dry humping his “coworker” Paymon. Instead it deals with something much more serious, or hilarious, or both.

With the flurry of trades that have occured in this year (Steve Mason for Martin St. Louis, Ilya Kovalchuk for Marc-Andre Fleury and Alexander Frolov, Bill Guerin and Dion Phaneuf for Bryan Little and Nicklas Lidstrom, etc), this league has shown to be one of the most freewheeling, strategic league in years. Unfortunately for one manager, he is spending most of the season on the outside looking in.

“I don't even care anymore...I say go for it,” depressingly resigns Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook after the staggeringly retarded trade between RoBERTo LuFONGo and George McPhee (manager Cole Ballard even said “This was a total fire sale. I don’t care about winning”) that saw Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk go to RoBERTo LuFONGo for Alexander Ovechkin. Jesse had made several offers for Carter and Datsyuk, but had had no such luck in coming to an agreement with George McPhee, or anyone else for that matter. What is it that prevent all other managers from dealing with Jesse Cook?

“The difference between me and Cook... I try to address other teams needs when proposing a trade,” says The Plumber’s manager Steve McIntyre. Anzoolander Killer manager Scott Freeland comments “I chirp Cook so much because he trade offers are so horrible.” Cole Ballard, the manager who Jesse offered so many, many proposals for and was able to get zero trades through the league office said the Jesse just kept offering the “same crappy deals” and had the managerial skills of an “ass clown.” When asked to comment on all the trades he has seen proposed by Jesse, League Commissioner and Ottawa HC manager Court Watson would only comment that the trades were “interesting” (and then proceeded to say right after that by interesting he meant shitty).

As you can see from the comments by other managers, there really is no good reason why Jesse can’t get trades to go through, it is just one of life’s pleasant mysteries. Will the rest of league see the true value of Anze Kopitar and help Anzoolander stop their downward spiral down the league standings?

“My team is getting an overhaul” monotones Jesse Cook. With nobody willing to trade with him, the league is definitely curious as to how.

SAY IT AIN’T SO

Right after being traded to Mystery Eskimos, Bryan Little suffered a rib contusion and is day to day. Said former owner Cole Ballard, “flippin’ sweet.”

Rick Nash also banged himself up running into the boards, depleting Mystery Eskimos even further. Manager Caleb Widen believes that Nash is just “being self-preserving".”

Marion Gaborik is out again for an extended period. He is now officially the most talented pussy ever in the NHL.

Rumor has it that Roberto Luongo is close to return. This makes the Plumbers even scarier.

Andy McDonald is also close to returning off the IR. He will still be considered dead weight. Maybe Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook can offer him for Henrik Zetterberg. That sounds about right.