New Year’s Resolutions

What a week of hockey it was, bringing in a promising 2009. With the NBA producing a close to garbage product and the NHL starting to pique the interest of casual fans, this could be a banner year for the NHL and as a result, fantasy hockey. With this is mind I have come up with a few resolutions for the new year.

1. The NHL should foot the bill and buy 3 HD cameras for each team’s coliseum, free to use by anyone who will broadcast the game, even if it is BET or Oxygen. HD has done more for hockey than any other sport, and the limited HD capabilities of Versus is limiting the league’s potential. All hockey games should be required to be shown in HD. Period. End of Story.

2. The Winter Classic was a huge success, but a portion of that success was due to the hype created by the previous year. To me, they weren’t even close. I mean, you had a tight game that went to shootouts with the NHL’s poster child scoring the winning goal on the final shootout attempt? In HD? In a snowstorm? The game this year was good, but not great, and the aerial shots showed not even a flake of snow around Wrigley Field (were those white tarps covering the field to make it look like snow?). My resolution is to formally propose that Montreal plays Boston in the next Winter Classic, at Fenway Park, excuse me, Fenway Paaahk.

3. If you travel 1,772 miles to watch your favorite team get their dicks stuck in their own arses, you should be made fun of. Say hello to Jesse Cook.

4. Hopefully, the popularity of the NHL has given some power at the bargaining table. When they renew their agreement with Versus, instead of promising everything from revenue sharing to complimentary Dirty Sanchez’, they should ask for the World Juniors to be part of the package. Not only are these kids extremely talented, but they are the future faces of the NHL, the sooner the US fans see them, the better. Look at this goal, and tell me that is was on regular cable in HD that it wouldn’t have been all over Sportscenter, instead of being completely ignored:

5. Even if the US is completely upset and knocked out of the World Juniors, they should still play a final game against Canada after the gold medal game….I just like watching them get their asses whooped by the friendly neighbors from up North.

6. Scott Freeland should be required to submit a weekly quote on his team. Before he submits, somebody should get him riled up by talking about how big a ghetto Cleveland is, how Andy Kordyban flaked out on his wedding, or how Eric Staal is now on fire. Memorable quotes from Scott include “FUCK YOU,” “Who the fuck is Jonah anyways? Like I need another person's opinion on how awesome my Fantasy Hockey Team is doing on a weekly basis,” and the infamous “p.s. Merry fucking Christmas.” A talent like this should be encouraged and shared.

7. All trades should be public to the league when proposed, and each manager should be required to submit an opinion on the trade. A recent trade proposal that was heartily laughed at was from…wait for it, wait for it….Jesse Cook, manager of Anzoolander, offering Nicklas Backstrom, Anze Kopitar, and Tim Thomas for Pavel Datsyuk, Jeff Carter and Ilya Bryzgalov. Said Cole Ballard, manager of We still suck, “This is the same crappy deal from before except he added Thomas for Bryzgalov.” Steve McIntyre, manager for The Plumbers and an impartial observer to this trade commented “As a GM, Cook simply does not have a clue. Quote it.” Is it just me, or does Nicklas Backstrom bear a striking resemblance to Bah humbug BITCHES manager Scott Freeland?

8. If you miss the draft for the fantasy league, you pay double the entry fee. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop manager Mike Gaunt and WONDERS ON ICE manager Zach Gray both skipped the draft and let Yahoo! do its thing. They are currently 1 and 2 in the league, the rest of the managers are dumbasses.

9. Goals Against is a stupid category, it should be abolished. A team could have two goalies start 5 times, have 2 shutouts, 3 1 goal games and if the team they are playing has only one start where they allow only 2 goals, they lose that category. It is dumb.

10. If you miss the playoffs in any given fantasy year, you must present your case to the rest of the league on why you should be allowed to participate the following year. This should be done at a bar, and the presentations should include at the very least a slide show and a generous bar tab. Just a suggestion.