Power Rankings: Week 18

Roast: an event in which an individual is subject to publicly bearing comedic insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories (and heartwarming tributes…but who are we kidding?). With this is mind, lets take a look at the week 18 power rankings.

1. Ottawa HC (Previous ranking 2): Despite the almost improbably comeback from last to the cusp of first, GM Court Watson still has the personality of John Wayne…in his current cryogenic state. Boom, roasted.

2. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop (1): This team has sat on top of the league all year; it turns out GM Mike Gaunt was just standing on top of several phonebooks, ‘cause he is short. Boom, roasted.

3. RoBERTo LuFONGo (3): This team just traded for a backup goaltender to use as a starter. GM Bert Fong has 1 billion lookalikes, who are all just as unfunny as him. Boom, roasted.

4. Western WA Caps (4): This team has an awesome offense as of late, but just picked up Jon Quick, yes, that is right, from the Los Angeles Kings and designated him as the anchor of the team for the playoffs. This team has played the worst team in the standings the last 3 weeks, and this is the first week they beat one of them, Quick must be that missing link. GM Cole Ballard just bought a house for a shorter commute to his day job, but that office is moving and his commute is going to be 2 hours, one way. Boom, roasted.

5. Mystery Eskimos (5): I think GM Caleb Widen is related to Cole in a roundabout way, which means he will have to listen to Cole bitch about his new commute until the end of time. Boom, roasted.

6. Andre Poodle Lussier (8): With a shaved head you look like a short version of GM Anze Backup GM Steve McIntyre. Your bellybutton tattoo is also a gay bullseye. Boom, roasted.

7. HANK’S AUTOSHOP (6): This team is plummeting down the standings. GM Zach Gray’s occupation is to surf Facebook, but he still can’t properly manage this team. Boom, roasted.

8. GM Anze Backup (10): This team can’t put two solid weeks together to make a playoff run, and GM Steve McIntyre looks like Reginald (Red) Albert Forman, only with less hair. Boom, roasted.

9. Steve Shankopotamous (9): GM Jesse Cook’s ego has lead this team to a lackluster performance this week, as he has refused to deal players when hot and overvalued players he had drafted, often leading to semi-retarded trade offers and arguments. The only thing bigger than Cook’s ego is his undying love for Paymon (and his big ugly chin). Boom, roasted.

10. Bizzarohawks (7): This team corrects bad moves by making worse moves. One only needs to look to GM Scott Freeland to see where the bad decisions came from; he pays people money so he can run 20 miles or more (why doesn’t he just give me the money and I can kick him in the nuts until he vomits). To make things worse, his running hobby has giving him the build of Tom from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. He’s fat. He looks skinny, but he is not. He also lives in Cleveland (see the clothing line here). Boom, roasted.