Every year, there are players that fantasy GMs love to hold onto for no apparent reason whatsoever. In an attempt to identify those special players, I introduce the inaugural Fantasy All-Shit Team. Team is selected based on offensive player’s average ranking for the year, to account for solid players who have missed significant time due to injury, and goalie’s actual rankings for the year, because if I didn’t use actual, Josh Harding would be a god.
C – Keith Tkachuk (231) – Sergei Fedorov currently sits at 59, as I write this I wonder why Western WA Caps GM Cole Ballard doesn’t own Fedorov, but Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop should be playing Tkachuk…ever.
C – Chris Drury (269) – A player who has battled health issues all year, why wouldn’t Andre Poodle Lussier just swap him out for Tomas Plekanec, whose ranking for the season on average stats is 128?
LW – Markus Naslund (232) – Let’s face it, this player’s glory days are behind him. Ethan Moreau or Richard Zednik are easily more valuable than this giant pussy.
LW – Pierre-Marc Bouchard (215) – I have been scratching my head on the logic behind this one, and have come to the conclusion there is none, it is just Scott Freeland being Scott Freeland. Did you know there are 3 Blackhawks alone that are eligible at LW and are better? Definitely a keeper.
RW – Miroslav Satan (277) – Another Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop teammate (now at 3) who could be easily replaced. I think he is on the roster just because of his last name
RW – Peter Mueller (250) – The 4th Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop entry. While the talent on this kid is undeniable, it isn’t there this year fantasy-wise. Jere Lehtinen or Bill Guerin would make better RW’s than either of these two.
F – Brian Rolston (200) – Rolston has returned as a shell of his former self, and is relegated to checking lines with all the talent that has emerged on the Devils. Ottawa HC GM Court Watson would be better off to ditch him and look at, well, almost anybody
D – Niklas Kronwall (241) – We all know Andre Poodle Lussier’s GM Matt Welsh loves the squid ink from any Detroit player, so we are assuming that is why he keeps Kronwall active.
D – Mathieu Schneider (386) – Much better options include Marek Zidlicky, Cam Barker and Joni Pitkanen…nice pickup Bert.
Util – Daniel Cleary (194) – Might as well hold a roster spot with Britney Spears or Anze Kopitar, next.
Util – Nathan Horton (187) –He went 3rd overall in the 2003 draft, and Ottawa HC is just waiting for him to show the talent that made him so highly touted. It may never come.
G – Brian Elliot (389) & Peter Budaj (363) – Looks like Bizzarohawks wised up and dumped Elliot, but HANK’S AUTOSHOP is still holding on the Budaj. For now, it appears Raycroft is the better option in the mile high city. The trade deadline sweepstakes should get interesting, as new starters may emerge ready to sweep up.
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