If anyone thinks this week gave any indication who has a strong team and who has a weak team, they are wrong, unless it is regarding which team sucks, it which case they are right. Some game changing injuries to start off the season; sucked in to all those who lost players. For newbies, keep in mind that there are IR spots that can be utilized to save a hurt player and free up a roster spot. If you were in this league in previous years, you know this. If you are Matt Welsh, you are an idiot.
1. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Previous: 4) – As predicted last week, this team has the makings of an offensive juggernaut, riding the stealthy late pick of Anze Kopitar, the offense covered what could be gently described as weak goaltending. It will be interesting to see if the offense has the staying power to keep this up throughout the year.
2. TBD (3) – I said I liked this team, and it didn’t disappoint, strong showing in the past week making up for the lack of participation from the general manager, whose has been a mute with the exception of calling Montreal Wanderers’ GM Court Watson a “dick.”
3. Andre Poodle Lussier (6) – An example that diversification works, this team started hot right out of the gates. Dropping Franzen for no reason will keep the rest of the league scratching their heads like they got crabs from a Kardashian. Hopefully, the dumbness of that move won’t come back to bite him, like a crab from a Kardashian.
4. In Over My Head (11) – Tough to get to excited about this team yet; they beat team auto-draft, so it isn’t necessarily a good indication of what this team has. In other news, GM Cole Ballard recently completed the 60 mile walk over 3 days for breast cancer awareness, well done. You can still donate to cancer research and support him here. The good news is that you know he will finish and your money will be well spent, because he has already done it. The funds will go along way in finding a cure for breast cancer and keep puck bunnies looking good. Next year, Cole is planning on doing 100 miles in 2 days. TBD GM Scott Freeland did 100 miles this morning before work.
5. $0.20 Kane (2) – A slow start, but GM Red McIntyre isn’t too worried about the offense coming around. Goalies are suspect though, and one can’t help but wonder if Stevie Franchise is about to enter a sophomore slump. Red expressed potential interest in Turco when he couldn’t figure out how to read league transactions, going off the record to say that Ray Emery sucked more dick than Red himself does.
6. Dave’Killer’Carlson (1) – This just in, GM Mike Gaunt logged in for the first time yesterday.
7. Kanucks (7) – All that pilates GM Dave Kitchen had Paul Kariya doing paid off right out of the gates. Discretion must be taken when valuing this team however, they beat a team whose GM saw ice for the first time a month ago.
8. Suck it Trebek (9) – A healthy Gaborik makes this team deadly. How long the goaltenders will last will be crucial to this team’s success.
9. Swedish Old Balls (13) – The veterans played pretty well last week, but they are still old and now a Sedin is out for a week. The goalies are off to a rough start, but they should come around right about the time the rest of the team dies retires slows down.
10. Malkin in the Middle (5) – Lost the first of many battles of Gannon State Alums. For 100 fun points, can anybody find that school on a map without help? Hint: They give scholarships to golfers who can’t break 90. That isn’t actually a hint, I just wanted to point that out.
11. Montreal Wanderers (8) – Slow start could be concerning, then again, he may have just played a hot team. Either way, this team needs to pick it up this week to stop the free fall into the cellar.
12. Texans (12) – Painful loss of Andrei Markov really, really hurts this team, along with shoddy goaltending from the Tomas Vokoun that needs to change quickly. I would tell other GMs to expect trade feelers headed their way from GM Chris Thomas, but I am not sure he knows how to propose a trade.
13. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – Doesn’t look like a Cinderella story here folks. Decent netminding and slow offense produced lackluster results. The only thing that may save this team is the general sports fantasy prowess of GM Peter Burns.
14. Bite Me (14) – Question: which team is the first to drop its first round draft pick? Why, the worst team in the league of course! Not only that, but the first rounder was dropped for a player who won’t see the starting line up until the third or second last week of the the fantasy hockey league schedule. The best part is that GM Jesse Cook made his moves so poorly that he gave up two healthy players for one IR player and one healthy player…retarded, to say the least. The very fact that he hasn’t filled the empty roster spot he now has by moving Johan Franzen to IR is further evidence Cook realizes how stupid he is and is hoping nobody claims O’Sullivan on waivers (or he is trying to get Bertuzzi as a handcuff for Franzen) so he can re-add him to his roster. Smooth Cook, smooth.
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