Power Rankings: Week 5

Scary moment this week. Nope, it wasn’t the laceration Cam Ward received, it was when Paymon almost didn’t get it up for pulverizing Cook. Luckily, Jesse relied on his gay porn fluffing skills and the night ended fantastically for him. When you take a look at the standings, with the exception of two teams, everyone is lumped together in the standings. However, rarely do the standings actually reflect how good or bad a team actually is.

1. Dave’Killer’Carlson (Previous: 4) – Want to know how to excel in this league? Autodraft, rank goalies high, and pick up 1 player who is on fire. 60% of the time it works every time.

2. In Over My Head (2) – Jarome Iginla was drafted on accident when his system disconnected, he will potentially have 3 Toronto Maple Leafs and 3 Atlanta Thrashers starting…no way does this team take the 1 or 2 seed this year unless there are big changes. It defies logic. It can’t happen, it just can’t.

3. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (1) – My mild case of turrets comes out every time I look at this team. I keep screaming “ANZE FUCKING KOPITAR?!?!?” Played down two because of injuries this past week. Odds are, he will forgot to move those guys out of his roster until tomorrow, which means he will be short again this week. Unlikely to be manager of the year any time this millennia.

4. Texans (5) - Elias is back, Backstrom hasn’t had any drop off since the Ovechkin injury, and the Canucks are playing pretty decent. As long as the goaltenders can stay decent, this team can compete with anyone.

5. Kanucks (3) – To be honest, I am not exactly sure who is on this team right now, as a lot of trades by manager Dave Kitchen went through. In the surface, I think I like them, which could be a bad omen, cause I don’t know what I am doing anymore. On a side note, Dave is participating in Movember this year, growing a mustache to raise awareness for prostate cancer. Highly worthy cause, and you can support him here. If there is one thing funny about professional male sports, it is how they all dress up in pink to put their full effort behind breast cancer but completely ignore a cancer that will affect 1 in 6 men...higher than the rate of breast cancer among women. I guess the NFL pissed away a bunch of money on pink shoes and doesn't care that about 18%% of their alums will piss and shit in a bag...go figure. Not saying professional sports shouldn't support breast cancer, but they should have equal if not more support behind prostate cancer.

6. Suck It Trebek (12) – Dominating performance this week , with amazing goaltending and some of the most well rounded offensive prowess we have seen so far this year. Tough to tell if this is something that will continue or if the stars were aligned this week. Since I am a pessimist, I think I saw Schauble 3 putt on the 14th hole yesterday.

7. Turd Ferguson (9) -

8. Malkin in the Middle (8) – I am still trying to figure out how this team won 4 offensive categories in their matchup when they had the fewest points of any team this week. Definitely not something that can be maintained the entire year.

9. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – Look at that, you put your best player into the starting roster, you win…weird.

10. $0.20 Kane (7) – Bizarro week, lost in PIMS and had solid goaltending for a change. I don’t expect that to last long.

11. Andre Poodle Lussier (6) – Nothing went right for this team this week, losing Ovechkin and Ward for extended periods of time. If manager Matt Welsh ever figures out that IR works exactly like it did last year, the team might improve in the interim.

12. People Know Me (14) – Surprisingly, this team held it’s own this week in a tough matchup. As a result, I will give it some credit, at least one week. I expect nothing more from this team though.

13. Swedish Old Balls (11) – Nothing has happened with this team that has proved me wrong, except it has gotten worse this week after losing Roberto Luongo.

14. Montreal Wanderers (13) – Ryan O’Reilly is their best offensive player, and the top two fantasy draft picks had a combined, COMBINED, 2 points. This team is in a hole, and is going to have to find a way to dig itself out. Manager Court Watson got so drunk on Friday night he started talking to random strangers about potential trades at a Seattle bar. Yup, your 2009-10 Montreal Wanderers, ladies and gentlemen.