House Special: OverCooked Roster

Slash to the top of the helmet of Red McIntyre for the initial observation

Six weeks into the season, something we may never, ever see again has occurred. YTD, one team has 9 offensive players ranked in the top 78, and 10 ranked in the top 105. This is unheard of, and of course this team has a comfy lead sitting atop the standi..wait, what? 8th?!?!

People Know Me has a dynamite team this year, which we know from the debacle during the first round of the draft where GM Jesse Cook drafted Jimmy Howard, has zero to do with Cook’s drafting skills. Clearly, it has to be complete, dumb, blind luck. But what about his standings in the league? Is that luck? A quick analysis, which involves pulling my thumb out of my ass, licking it and holding it up to the screen (known in the statistical analysis community as “Cooking the books”), gives me a 95% confidence level that there is no luck involved. With a r-squared of 0.98, I can confidently conclude that the reason People Know Me sits in 8th has to do with the idiocy team mismanagement of GM Jesse Cook. Lets take a look at 5 possible reasons for his poor mismanagement, with input from various GMs from the league contributing thoughts (anonymous, of course).

1) He consults with Paymon on roster changes, but often times mishears him because Paymon’s cock is on one of his ears, and a tube of toothpaste is in the other. “Very, very plausible. Most likely true,” says one GM, named Ryan Schauble. “He may even consult on roster changes with Paymon as well…oh, I thought you were just asking me about the cock in ear thing.” Indeed.

2) He is fighting with his lover Paymon, which is why he has been distracted in the league. “Nah, the fighting just make the sex better,” says $0.20 Kane GM Red McIntyre. “What Jesse really likes is when Paymon brings a friend and they both try to wrestle him, one gets his upper body, one gets his legs, and the whole time his pet gerbil Hansel is in his ass.” Wow, TMI.

3) He is dumb. Montreal Wanderers GM Court Watson: “Yup”

4) He has trouble using a mouse and keyboard. “That big, dumb white, fuck says he has the best hands in Richmond, but they are such gorilla hands he has no touch on a computer at all, what a buffoon.” Old Swedish Balls GM Bert Fong

5) He is a cock-blocker. “Heck yeah he is.” This response was actually unanimous, coming from all GMs.

So there you have it, I don’t know about you, but after this analysis I walked away getting a pretty good understanding of why Cook sucks.

UPDATE: After reading this post, GM Steve McIntyre pointed out that Jesse’s goalies suck even worse than he does. This further supports the notion that Cook is an idiot; anyone with that many players ranked that highly who has been able to translate them into zero trades for better goaltending clearly doesn’t know what he is doing. Even Bert Fong has made a trade this year.