Preseason Power Rankings

The draft has come and gone and only one manager didn’t make it.  That strategy may pay off for him, since he used the same strategy last year and won it all.  That being said, lets take a look at the preseason rankings.  These rankings are solely based on the opinion of…me.

1)  Dave’Killer’Carlson – It worked last year, and until knocked off this year, this team remains atop the power rankings.  Strong at center, as Sidney Crosby dropped to #4 in the draft, but may be slightly lacking in the Defense and Wing positions.  Somehow managed to pickup two very strong netminders.  Maybe this autodraft strategy is ninja-like; nobody even noticed GM Mike Gaunt auto-grab Henrik Lundqvist and Marty Brodeur

2)  $0.20 Kane – Very solid draft for GM Red McIntyre, who could once again lead every offensive category and still come near the bottom because of poor management.  Real weakness may come in the form of Ray Emery, coming off a stint in the KHL that can best be described as suck.

3)  TBD – As much as we laugh at the drafting of Nikolai Zherdev, who may never set foot on the ice in an NHL game this season, there is quite a bit of talent on this team.  Look for manager Scott Freeland to make some moves to shore up his wingers.  One thing is for sure, this team has the funniest picture of Jesse in his ugly years, which is now  best jersey…ever.

4)  Grand Rapid T-Hawks – Has the makings of an offensive juggernaut, with the Achilles heel potentially being what is in net.  Both goalies are projected to be backups by week 4, because both are on shitty teams that suck, especially the French asshole.

5)  Malkin in the Middle – Wisdom, youth, snipers, specialty players…I like this team, with the exception of the Native American on the team who keeps yelling at GM David Dugan, “Your not the boss of me now!”

6)  Andre Poodle Lussier – Moved away from the Detroit Red Wings only strategy last year, now has a pretty solid team.  Ovechkin will be the backbone of this team, Varlamov will break the back of this team.  Go fuck yourself, Fatty.

7)  Kanucks – If anything, GM and aerobic instructor David Kitchen should be able to keep Paul Kariya in excellent condition and healthy for a record 2 games.

8)  The Montreal Wanderers – Will sit in the middle of the power rankings until the youth and band-aids decide what they want to do.  4 players who are either rookies or 2nd year players, and 3 players who often miss more games with injury than they play.  If everything clicks, which it most likely won’t, this team could be a force to reckon with…doubtful.

9)  Suck it Trebek – 2 questionable goalies and an unproven rookies are the 3 legs of this stool; originally it was a chair, but the 4th leg was Gaborik and it collapsed in the breeze.

10)  Amish Rake Fighters – The push to get goalies early may have been a good move; then again, Mikka Kiprusoff could continue the slow painful death that is his career, with statistics getting worse every year.  Offense on this team is made up of a sandlot of players that probably won’t do much.

11)  In Over My Head – Too many Thrashers, and an Islander defensemen.  When their average goalie on an average team or a good goalie on a brutal team need replacing, they have Jon Quick.  Next.

12)  Texans – Give GM Chris Thomas credit, it was his first draft, and he went with what he knew, which was local talent.  Don’t think it will pay off, but props for supporting the new hometown team.

13)  Cut From Coed Soccer – His fetish for old people is getting downright creepy.  Drafted Teemu Selanne and spent half the draft looking for Forsberg.  They were good in 1999, get over them.

14)  Havlat OWNS Huet – Wow.  Draft SNAFU.  GM Jesse Cook claims that Jimmy Howard was drafted 9TH OVERALL on accident, in an attempt to draft Nabakov.  $0.20 Kane GM Red McIntyre responded most eloquently, “Accident?  How was it an accident?  Cook meant to draft Howard.  Cook's so dumb he probably thought Howard would be starting for the Wings this year and labelled Howard as a sleeper pick.  Clearly, the only one sleeping here was Cook.  Nice one Anzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze.”  Yes, nice one.