Power Rankings: Week 3

Today is the day the NBA season starts, and the NHL falls to number 8 (NFL, MLB, NBA, PBA, PBR, NASCAR, WSOP, NHL)among professional sports viewership in the United States.  Lets take a look at the rankings for this week.

1.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Previous: 5) – This team continues to dominate despite a very slow start from both Eric Staal and Ryan Getzlaf.  Perhaps this is because NHL’s leading scorer, Anze Kopitar, was stolen in the late rounds by GM Matt Meier.  Matt made a great comparison when asked on his rationale for picking Anze, “he is the Larry Fitzgerald of the NHL, how can you not take him?”  Probably one of the most accurate comparisons I have ever heard.  Ever.  With Huet heating up in net, all this team needs to do is find a second goaltender and we have a favorite to win it all.

2.  In Over My Head (3)– This team owns the best overall record in the league, propelled by the phenomenal play of Patrick Marleau and Ilya Kovalchuk.  GM Cole Ballard’s secret to success?  “Two words, no ‘Caps.”  However, the devasting loss of Kovalchuk for 4 weeks may hurt this team badly (sidenote: line mate Nik Antropov did not practice on Monday as well) .  It doesn’t help that goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov seems to be feast or famine, looking like the goalie he should be in Coyotes’ wins but looking like Red McIntyre in Coyotes’ losses (Oddly enough, Ilya did spend time with Red as a teenager…true story).  This team could theoretically start 3 Atlanta Thrashers on any given week, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.

3.  Kanucks (7)– How convinced is GM Dave Kitchen that Pavel Datsyuk is going to have an amazing year?  So much so he is trying to trade him for your best player plus your hottest player.  One wonders why Dave doesn’t just keep him if he is that good.  By the way, how many of you out there realize that it is tough to trade a player who is slumping and injured for a player who is careering it so far this season, on a dynamite line with loads of talent and had a pretty good campaign last year?  If you said that you did, then you are smarter than a piece of cow dung David Kitchen.

4.  Dave’Killer’Carlson (7) – This team continues to plod along, despite an overflowing injured reserve.  One can’t help but wonder how long players like Matt Moulson can continue their torrid pace.  If the offense can keep together, it looks like the goaltenders are returning to form and that means this team is poised for the long run.

5.  Texans (10) – Impressive win this past week despite the weak goaltenders and having Andrei Markov out.  There is actually quite a bit of talent on this team, it will be interesting to see if GM Chris Thomas manages it properly (he won’t).  Despite losing to the Texans this week, $0.20 Kane’s GM Red McIntyre was still positive, retorting, “my stairs - 1, his pants - 0.”

6.  Andre Poodle Lussier (Previous – 1) – With the exception of Ovi, this is probably the most boring team in the league.  How do you get excited about any team that starts three D-men?  On another note, did anyone know that Del Zotto is Italian for fag tattoo?  Well it is.

7.  $0.20 Kane (2) – While I originally thought this team was stacked, I think we may be seeing some players who aren’t performing because they are in bad situations and some players who just aren’t performing.  Furthermore, we are seeing some questionable moves by GM Red McIntyre.  Specifically, benching his hottest player, David Perron, this week even though he isn’t playing any less games than his replacements.  It could be that subtle moves like this moved this team into a battle for last in the previous year.  We will see what happens this year.

8.  Malkin in the Middle (8)– Almost clean swept this week if it wasn’t for the minimum 2 starts rule to wipe out Grand Rapid T-Hawks goalie stats.  This team is struggling to get anything going, but gets extremely lucky and takes advantage of poor rules or officiating.  Sounds like another team from Pittsburgh I know.  Hint: their QB is a rapist.

9.  TBD (2) - 

Enough said.

10.  Amish Rake Fighters (11) – Despite benching the team’s best player in Ryan Smyth, somehow this team is still right in the thick of things.  I liken GM Peter Burns to a fantasy version of Jim Zorn; a whole lotta hoopla, but not alot of substance.  Mainly just hot air.  Perhaps a mental midget of sorts.

11.  Swedish Old Balls (13) – The star player on this team’s offense is Henrik Sedin.  Drink it in.  This team is actually a lot like the Vancouver Canucks; Luongo isn’t going to get much help from the offense.

12.  Suck It Trebek (9) – Of the new GMs in this year’s, Ryan Schauble is struggling this most.  Having snipers Marion Gaborik and Corey Perry just isn’t enough to carry a team starting two New York Islanders.  The Monster is back for Toronto, but I don’t think that will be enough for this team to mount any sort of charge.  Ryan was disappointed at the Power Rankings in week 1, but I think I may have been too generous.  This team sucks.

13.  Montreal Wanderers (12) – How the mighty have fallen.  Continued success year after year in this league may come to an end this year, as injuries and flu decimate this team week in and week out.  With both Thomas Vanek and Alexander Semin back this week, this team might get the big win they need badly to prevent failing behind by a significant deficit, but the future of this team will be contingent on role players stepping up, and Henrik Zetterberg and Marian Hossa both returning to form.

14.  All For Paymon (14)– 8 of 10 starting offensive players are playing above their O-ranks.  It is only a matter of time before the player’s return to their statistical means.  For this team to maintain it’s performance, it will have to be through the waiver wire, as GM Jesse Cook is black balled by a 350 pound NFL lineman named JaHenry by the rest of the league.  Said one GM who asked to NOT be anonymous, Red McIntyre, “I wouldn’t trade them Kyle Beach, a prime example of how shitty Chicago is at drafting, even if Jesse paid me beyond the 8 pack of Lucky lager he owes me for the Canucks shit-kicking the Blackhawks.  You suck Cook!”  Enough said.  P.S. with the goalies this team has, there is a very realistic chance this team might not meet the minimum 2 starts and forfeit all goalie categories in the coming weeks.  Look for an “interesting” trade offer from Jesse to laugh at and reject soon as he tries to remedy his goalie situation.  And by “interesting”, I mean shitty.