If there is one thing the NHL does better than the NBA, it is that they don’t have rapists, drug dealers, crips, bloods, and juicers scheduling; no games on Sunday, competing with the NFL. Smart move. Because of this, the week was over on Saturday.
1. Andre Poodle Lussier (Previous: 3) – Solid offense and solid goaltending notched this team a victory this week. Other teams keep stepping up there game to play this team, and this team doesn’t back down. The scary thing is that both Mike Richards and Chris Pronger rode the pine all week long. It will be interesting to see if Simeon Varlamov can handle the rigors of the lone starter with Jose Theodore down and out from back spasms. If he can, this team should keep on chugging. Steve McIntyre An unidentified source hinted that GM Matt Welsh would use the proceeds to remove his gay bull's-eye tattoo should he win this league. I now know who I am rooting for.
2. $0.20 Kane (5) – A dominating performance from a very, very good roster. There is a little cause for concern when your leading goal scorer is Sean Avery, but luckily for GM Steve McIntyre, this is not an indication of a lack of talent on this team. As All For Paymon GM Jesse Cook stated, it was a “dead fluke (he) was able to even compete with this team, and this was the clear frontrunner.” Indeed.
3. In Over My Head (4) – A win this week to take top spot in the Campbell Conference almost solely due to outstanding goaltending. There are reasons for concern though, as both goalies are playing well above historical statistical averages and the offense could only muster 12 points. Perhaps the offensive struggles have something to do with the messy divorce of injured D-man Sheldon Souray and Baywatch hotty who cares what her name is Angelica Bridges. Nobody outside the locker room knows for sure, but GM Cole Ballard has to do something to get a stir from this offense.
4. TBD (2) – Riding the strong play of Mike Knuble, this team continues to looks good despite the fact that sniper Phil Kessel sits on the IR. Craig Anderson continues his solid play and if sausage pasta can get his game under control this team should be a contender the whole year.
5. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (1) – Not the finest performance this week as this team struggles in net and the offense was sluggish. Look for this to team possibly make some trade offers in an attempt to strengthen up in net now that Cristobal Huet is all but assured a starting spot…in the AHL.
6. Kanucks (7) – Walked away with a win this week despite having an injury to Pavel Datsyuk. The scary part about this win was that no one player really overachieved, each player is playing right around their historical career averages for the season. Lucky for this team, the loss of Datsyuk will not be too sorely missed as a hot Andy McDonald is ready to step up. Oh wait, GM Dave Kitchen dropped him. Ouch.
7. Dave’Killer’Carlson (6) – Good offense and great goaltending helped this team to a tie this week. Could we be seeing a repeat of last year? For the love of fucking god, I hope not.
8. Malkin in the Middle (10) – Solid performance this week as the team moved above .500. One wonders what this team could be if GM Dave Dugan could figure out how to use IR; he would be able to pick up two more players. Dave, please figure this out, it isn’t rocket science.
9. Suck It Trebek (8) – A good performance this week, but not a great performance. Having Milan Michalek on the bench the game he buried two shorties sure did hurt. Goaltending needs to improve, but not by much. This team might be jumping up the standings (and power rankings in the weeks to come).
10. Texans (12) – Held its own against a very good team. The only thing missing from this team is goaltending, and it is missing in the worst way. Looks like GM Chris Thomas is gonna have to put down the chicken-fried steak and make some trade offers to shore up the net.
11. Amish Rake Fighters (13) – Sometimes timing is everything, and this week, everything went wrong for this team. Uncharacteristically bad goaltending and horrible plus/minus puts this team in the cellar, but I wouldn’t be too surprised if this team mounts a comeback. The key will be GM Peter Burns management style.
12. Montreal Wanderers (11) – The team has struggled and wound up with close losses the last couple of weeks, but it looks like things might be turning as Tim Connolly and Henrik Zetterberg picked things up a bit this week. An injury to Thomas Vanek will hurt the team this week as it struggles to find its identity and desperately needs a winning week.
13. Swedish Old Balls (9) – Bad offense, bad goaltending, and indecisive management. This team has it all. 1st decent move only took after 2 weeks and 8 moves into the season; that trend will get this team far.
All For Paymon (14) – GM Jesse Cook changes the team name so many times that the reason can only be that he is sexually confused and has deep, repressed feelings for male model Paymon Torabian. I liken this team to its most recent pickup; not very talented and making the most of others’ injuries. GM Jesse Cook was also credited as being the single reason for blowing a 5-1 third period lead for Two In The Box of the Coast Hockey League, with two own goals, colliding with his own defenders to give the other team 2 breakaways, and then getting a game misconduct for tomahawking the opposing goalie on the head during a stoppage in play. What a winner.
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