Playoff Preview: Round One

It is that time of year again, springtime. After a hard winter, the hardiest of life is shaping into form. As in life, fantasy hockey is no different. The league has culled the complete losers, and the remaining teams will now battle it out for the Gauntlet.

Spring is personified with change, and this year, that change is bittersweet. No longer the Anze Cup, the championship has a new name in honor of The Krakheads former GM, Mike Gaunt. Everyone knows Mike as a lover of prime rib and red wine who could give as well as he could take. The thing I will always remember about Mike is he read every single word of every single Harry Potter book to his son as his son was growing up, and how Mike said it changed his relationship with his son. I’m glad he was able to beat cancer back, if only for that period of time.

Welcome Rick Grady as the new GM of the Krakheads, you have big shoes to fill.

It’s an exciting time. Significant others of those still in the playoffs get to hear just a little bit more every day about something they could not care less about. And with that, lets look at the first round matchups.

1. Mitch Please versus 8. Zero Hit Wonder (Regular season record: 13-12 for Zero Hit Wonder)

Is there a more apt name for the team managed by GM Ryan Schauble? Low risk, low reward, that team is about as interesting as a treasury bond and like a long-term treasury bond, as the world changes it becomes a liability. This year was different, believe it or not. All but two starters in the top 150 (more than Mitch Please, btw). So where has it all gone wrong? Schawful management. Six goalies on the roster. Six. The best bench player on offense is ranked 251. There are over 25 players who are healthy and available ranked higher. And to top it all off, this team started a player with one knee this week. Doomed to fail. Another year, zero impact. Mitch Please continues to roll on winning the President’s Trophy for best regular season performance. Like any top team other teams will step their game up just a bit to beat this team, but this week that other team won’t have enough. There are whispers of dynasty when this team comes up in one-way conversations between league GMs and their significant others. Paymon just rolls his eyes because Jesse won’t shut the fuck up and play the role of big spoon quietly.

Prediction: Mitch Please over Zero Hit Wonder – 8-6-2

2. The Krakheads versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 7-7)

Veterans and average goaltending, two teams built very similar. One built methodically, one built sacrificing the first three rounds of the draft next year. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook has proven this year his roster building skills through trades are on par with his drafting skills. Maybe the least interesting of all matchups, two teams of players who are past their prime, grinding it out. Teams like these two rely on one thing; volume. The more games, the better the chances. With that, I like Anzoolander in this matchup with 4 more games this week.

Prediction: Anzoolader over the Krakheads – 8-5-3

3. Hellcunts versus 6. Suck My Deke (Regular season record: 14-12 Hellcunts)

If I never hear another word about Tage Thompson I will be a happy man (my pronouns are fuck you/fuck that/fuck off). Hellcunts have a great offensive team. So does Suck My Deke. GM Jody Evans went all in before the trade deadline, selling the future to buy immortality. I love it. I expect the winning team in this matchup to have a GAA of about .650. Awful goalies both of them but as Mike Gaunt once said, “goalies don’t matter.” So we have two teams that will be emotional roller coasters the whole week. It's funny how like dogs, fantasy hockey teams often reflect their owners.

Prediction: Suck my Deke puts up a good battle, but Hellcunts are too prolific on offense, with Hellcunts winning 7-6-3

4. Blades of Steel versus 5. Jesse Loves Paymon (Regular season record: 14-13, Blades of Steel)

Not to diminish other players on Blades, but isn’t the first thing everyone look at on this team is how many games McDavid has (it is three, one against Seattle, which has an average goals against per game of eleventy)? GM Luke Mackinnon continues his ways of making successful trades to round out his roster and this season was no different. The standings probably mask how deep this team is. Conversely, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre has built a boring team that is exactly in the standings where it should be. The only way this even appears close is if Otter has a good week (which has been rare since he was traded) and JLP picks up some goalie categories.

Prediction: Otter does pick up some goalie categories, and it looks closer than it is. Blades of Steel wins 9-4-3

Good luck to everyone.