Power Rankings: Week 11

For this week’s installment, I present he of notorious head size, Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon:

Without further adieu.

This week's power rankings are different. Not different like the retard strength of Chris Thomas.  Different like Bert Fong's Penis.  Whatever that means.  

As a Vancouver Canucks fan (fuck you Cook) I enjoy reading a blog titled "The Provies".  There is no better post game entertainment than secretly reading this blog while receiving a "good night" blow job from your wife.  If you're not familiar with the Provies I encourage you to click the link below and have a read.  Be sure to focus on "BEST ANSWER" and note who won.  I know it's not a Boys' Co Billboard, but I feel I'm on way to celebrity status.

The Provies: Hats, Corsi wars and why the Devils get a big laugh at the Canucks expense | The Province

This week's rankings will have a little Provies flavor added to it.  More because I'd rather rip off someone else's work than take the time to create something myself.  Plus, I truly enjoy our WhatsApp group discussion and figure this was a great way to capture some highlights.

Pour yourself a drink Gents (mine is in my Anze Cup) and enjoy this week’s Power Rankings:  Provies Edition.

1. Anzoolander (2)

BEST INJURY

This team is a beast and will be for years to come.  Have you ever given thought to what will happen when Toews and/or Stamkos wake up?  What about when Price returns?  This is the best team in GPY and we we've yet to see its best.

2. Texans (1)

BEST TEAM?

Before tonight I agreed with most other GM's about this teams #1 ranking.  Loved this team going into the season and still love it now.  However a 9-4 pounding at the hands of 14th ranked Pistol's Hellcats cannot be ignored.

3. Lokomotiv (3)

BEST COMPARISON

At the start of the season I did not no what to think of this team. After week nine I'm now having nightmares about it.  Hopefully GM Cole Ballard breaks tradition and doesn't fuck things up by adding 3rd line Capitals players at the trade deadline. 

4. Philosopher King (5)

BEST STAT

This was suppose to be a rebuild year for GM Luke Mackinnon.  Have a look at his roster.  Looks more like a retool for complete dominance.

5. Hatrick Swayze (4)

BEST ANALOGY

I was in tears when I first read this.  Very creative, witty and a true zinger (Toots 1 - Pistol 0).  It's too bad Hatrick Swyaze's GM Tood Toothill's creativity ends here. This line-up has talent and potential.  Perhaps Toots should focus on improving his starting line-up rather than masturbating to the final scene of Dirty Dancing.

6. Kane and she was Able (6)

BEST RAPIST

This team will go as far as Patrick Kane's lawyer will take them.  This team is 6-2-2 through the first 10 weeks and is patiently waiting to rape again.

7. Everett Silvertips (8)

BEST HAVE ANOTHER DRINK

The season this team is having should not surprise anyone. Just watch GM Court Watson's golf swing and then immediately look at his scorecard.  Million dollar swing, ten cent head.  This team is loaded with talent but it's GM doesn't have the mental capacity to do anything with it.

8. Jesse Loves Paymon (9)

BEST WTF

Ok I realize JLP got steam rolled two weeks ago and lost again this week.  But I cannot comprehend how this team posted 4-0 record the previous four weeks yet fell from fifth to ninth in the power rankings.  Eighth place is where this team should be ranked.  My prediction is it'll finish the season here.

9. Me So Vyborny (11)

BEST SHIT KICKING

14-0 this week vs Kanucks!  Ok not the strongest opponent but I'm not sure this league has seen 14-0 before.  Don't let this go to your head Matt.  You have ONE player ranked in the top 30 and your best goalie is Steve Mason.  Steve Mason.  

10. Super Sperm (7)

BEST RUMOR

For those who don't know Jesse's daughter was due Dec 15th.  In typical female routine she's late.  Yes Jesse I just chirped your unborn daughter.  Relax.  Pistol will do much worse once she's born.  You should hear what Pistol's said about Schauble's twins!  Remember that I don't start rumors, I just spread them.

11.  Connor McSaviours (12)

BEST I'M THIRSTY

I can't even name a player on this team.  So instead of looking up this teams roster, I'm going to pour myself another beverage.

12. Kanucks (10)

BEST NEGOTIATOR

I often question the commitment level of Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen to our league.  However Dave's trade negotiations for Mats Zucarello has me thinking otherwise.  Dave was working the phones hard with multiple teams including JLP and Anzoolander.  Dave was able to get the Everett Silvertips to up its offer and before we knew it Zucarello was traded.  While preparing to interview Tips GM Court Watson to get his thoughts on the trade, Court sent me this text… 

I accepted the bet.

13. Chingchong BingBongs (13)

BEST ANSWER

The future is a scary place. 

14. Pistol's Hellcats (14)

BEST PHOTO

Editor’s Note: Or this:

I agree with Toots.  Change your team photo Pistol.  Now you all have something to secretly look at while receiving your "good night" blow job this evening.  You're welcome.

Power Rankings: Week 9

Foreword (as written by Leonardo DiCaprio):

To preface this week’s rankings is a bit intimidating, to be honest. The world of fantasy sports is intriguing to say the least, but how does a grown man find the time to commit fully to the “sport”?

I wasn’t shocked to hear that Todd was valued high on the North American fantasy sports ranking chart, not in the slightest. I first met him in Las Vegas, oh, back in 2001 I believe. I was still trying to find my way as an actor, lost you could say. Both in the emotional state of where I was at in my career, and also in the physical state, as I was in the MGM Grand hotel, and shit that place is a fucking maze. Add in a couple of double vodka crans and I might as well have been Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Lost, cold (from the ecstasy), and confused.

And that’s where I first met him. He was holding court (not you Watson, you plug; http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/hold-court) at the craps table, 14 or 15 women surrounding him, enthralled with his every movement. And these were beautiful women, tall, buxom, not a shred of body fat except for their gigantic cans. And they hung on his every word, and had drew quite a crowd around him. Me being somewhat of a famous person at this point, would generally not think twice about introducing myself to anyone I deemed interesting to meet, yet with him I have to be honest it took a few minutes. Not because he seemed intimidating, but rather here I was, the star of Titanic, and these girls haven’t noticed I’m even standing next to him

We chatted for a few hours, it was intoxicating. Not so much the words he spewed but the impact of his delivery. I often joke with him that everything I learned about women I learned that night, but he’s too humble to let me tell it like that. So I will say that I’m forever indebted to him with respect to the success I’ve had with thousands of women. He’s a special man.

Leo

And with that, on to this week’s rankings!

1. Texans (1) –

Solid lineup top to bottom for this redneck GM. Hey look there’s a bird, let’s shoot it! While goaltending has been solid to this point (Jersey…really??), a Dubnyk injury is sure to slow this team down. Hey look, a cute deer, let’s shoot it! Giordano could be the bust of the year so far, but then again, who picks Flames players. Just downright awful. Hey let’s shoot that Gorilla! Oh wait, that’s my brother in law.

2. Anzoolander (3) – One bad week does not make a team. And there is way too much star power on this squad to slide any further in the rankings. Probably more to do with how awful all the other teams are then how good this one is. Unfortunately for this ape, deciding who’s going to start from week to week (Andersen or Gibson) will turn any man crazy, not to mention a Silverback!! Am I right!!?? This GM is so ugly it makes me cry. Have you ever seen him tinker with his lineup….it’s depressing:

3. Lokomotiv (4) – Goaltending wins championships. And if this team goes deep, it’ll be goaltending that got him there. Two rock solid teams to hitch your proverbial goaltending star to in Chicago and Long Island (Editor’s note:  Brooklyn). The old dogs of Zetterberg and Vanek will carry this team to the post season, but unfortunately it is at that moment that Darling gets the starts, and Halak will be injured. So close, you suck.

4.  Hatrick Swayze (7) – I know what you’re thinking, “Hey he can’t do that! He can’t rank himself 4^th because it’s his team, that’s biased!”. First off, yes I can. And B, shut up loser. Crosby, check. Quick, check. This team looks back on track, and after handing the former 1^st place team (Editor’s note: in record only) a huge beat down last week, look for this team to really make moves. Good on you, handsome.

5. Philosopher King (2) – Could potentially be ranked higher on this list, if it wasn’t for his stupid team name. Their music sucked. The movie sucked. You suck. A good mix of old and young talent, this season will inevitably come down to Martin Jones. You heard me correctly, Martin. Jones. Yeah, see you at the bottom.

6. Kane and She Was Abel (6) – Will the real Jake Voracek please stand up, please stand up, please stand up. Bust of the year candidate Voracek has a whopping one goal this year. A third of the way into the year, and you’ve got to think he breaks out of his funk. If not, this team is doomed for the basement, where Patrick Kane keeps the rape kit.

7. Super Sperm (5) – As solid of a D core you’ll find in this league, it’s too bad you can only start 4 of them (Editor’s note: you can start up to six). Another good mix of age and youth should see this team bounce up the standings once again. But Ryan Miller….yikes. It’s tough times ahead bro. A move or two to solidify a 2^nd top tier goalie and this team could really be something. But probably not.

8. Everett Silvertips (11) – How are you so bad? You have studs. Can’t you just land on a goalie and stick with it. This team has nowhere to go but up. Really, you should stick to beating women at virtual Wii Soccer.

9. Jesse Loves Paymon (9) – Mister average. I’m sure you’ll be ranked 9^th for the rest of the season. Way to go!

10. Kanucks (10) – If I could spear this team in the nuts, I would. And the fine would be money well spent. You have two back up goalies. Not backing you up, but actually starting for you. And that makes me sad.

11. Me So Vyborny (12) – Lots of good young talent, this team could make a name for itself in the future. But not this year. And not next year. Or the year after. In fact, I retract that. This team stinks.

12. Connor McSaviours (13)– Edmonton is in last place. Again. Which is where this oiler-humping GM should be. But he’s not because….well, look below him.

13. ChingChong BingBongs (14) – This is why. This is why Connor McShithead is not last place. Because of this dink.

14. Pistol’s Hellcats (8) – The 14^th ranking for this team is directly related to this team’s profile picture. Every week moving forward, this team will be ranked dead last until Pete changes his team’s profile picture to this:

Editors note:  Or this:

Well done Todd, great first effort.  JM.

Power Rankings: Week 8

Before I thank Henry Kissinger, and before delivering my modest message, I feel obliged to alert college students, progressive academics and all other deeply sensitive souls that these words may contain phrases and ideas that challenge your prejudices. In other words, I formally declare this room an “unsafe space.”

Hello all, as we progress into the middle of the season, we enter the maybe phase.  Maybe Dylan Larkin can shoot an an absurdly high unsustainable percentage for an entire season?  Maybe Crosby has basically hit a metaphorical wall in his career and will never be better?  Maybe Steven Stamkos will never truly be elite, just good?  Maybe John Gibson is the starter going forward?  Maybe Carey Price should just have the surgery?

Maybes cause managers to do “interesting” things.  And by interesting, I mean stupid.  Example include:  Trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers In the Cage), trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers in the Cage), Trading for Jonas Hiller, the Ondrej Pavelec of last season when Ondrej Pavelec was overperforming (2014 – Flowers in the Cage).  All teachable, laughable moments.  You can’t blame a guy for trying, until after he has failed.  Then you point and laugh.

Anyway.

1.  Texans (4) –Wwhen a damn fine team loses to another damn fine team, the damn fine team that won is the best team in the league.  That is this team.  Healthy and getting a little help from unexpected places (the ghost!) when others drop off (Giordano).  Goaltenders are finding their groove, this team is legit.

2.  Philosopher Kings (3) – A damn fine team as well, but not as consistent or as deep as the Texans.  Look for Martin Jones to falter a crucial time, it is feast or famine with that guy.  No other goalie on this team plays enough or is actually that good at hockey.  Tarasenko hurt with McDavid already out could also slow this team.

It is not a coincidence the two guys who work together and spend all day talking fantasy hockey are at the top.  Seriously, does anyone know what these guys actually do for work?

3.  Anzoolander (1) – The injury to Carey Price is going to drag on.  While no surgery will bring him back sooner, we all saw how that went the last time.  There are so many times you can have a used condom as your last line of defense (from personal experience, I would say four times), and this one is clearly about to break.  Also, when a goalie goes on the IR because of the flu, that isn’t the flu, that is Ebola.  Sucks that he has basically lost his starting job during the time.

4.  Lokomotiv 2138 (2) – This team lost to the team with the worst record in the league last week, but in fairness, that team did score the second most points in the league.  That came out of nowhere.  This is probably one of the  best chances of any season that GM Cole Ballard has had to win the Anze Cup, but one wonders when Tomas Plekanec, Thomas Vanek and Jeff Carter stop playing like their 2011 versions and more like their 2015 versions.

Sell high.

5.  Super Sperm (6) – Like every year, solid team.  Like every year, chances of winning are less than they were the year before.  You never know, maybe a playoff run, but the depth on this team consists of young players who are showing they are young and their peak is a ways off.  Also, no team will ever win the Anze Cup with Ryan Miller.

6.  Kane & She Was Abel (8) – Proving racial diversity can work, even in sports mainly for Canadians, which are inherently racist.  By the way, there is a new alcoholic beverage in Canada, and one of its ingredients, in big huge print, is kaffir limes.  The word kaffir comes from Arabic, and essentially means non-Muslim, and was used to describe the Africans taken from their homeland as part of the Indian Ocean slave trade (which absolutely dwarfed the Africa-North America slave trade), the word is considered highly derogatory now and is worse than the word that shall not be spoken in the U.S.  Ah, those Canadians, such a racist bunch.  Now, the most liberal of Canadians will stand up and say “wait, how could we know that, it wasn’t intentional!” yet would be the first person to scream bloody murder if the Japanese came out with a sake infused with n!gger lemons.

Makrut limes.  That is what the non-racist world calls them, Canada.  Also, I CANNOT wait to try this new beverage, looks delightful.

7.  Hatrick Swayze (9) – I expect this team to move up.  Just as Anzoolander is an outlier in points versus shots on the high end, this team is an outlier on the low end (if you don’t think they are correlated, look at our stats this year, and historically.  For this year, 4 of top 6 are identical in both categories).  This team has to come around some time, or Todd has to do something out of panic.  Either way, I am excited to watch.

8.  Pistol’s Hellcats (5) – Lost to one of the worst teams in the league.  Never beats a good team, barely scores any points each week.  Lots of things wrong with this team, but don’t tell Pete that, let him go with that wild imagination he developed playing by himself as an only child who was short.

9.  Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – Nobody has done less with more, and made more less.  Well done.

10.  Kanucks (11) – Can’t tell if Dave is less active because he is more busy or actually realizes his team isn’t that bad.  Who am I kidding, he has ugly t-shirts to make, pictures of food to post on facebook, and terrible blog posts about competitive exercising (which is for people who are bad at sports) to publish.

11.  Everett Silvertips (10) – By the end of this season, I expect this team to have touched every second rate goalie in the league in some form or fashion.  Just change your team name to Charlie Sheen and seek treatment for the fantasy hockey AIDs you have.

12.  Me So Vyborny (14) – 2nd in the league in points last week, starting to get healthy, spends zero time on the league, doesn’t do any trades, looking for a new job, moving cities, probably finish last.

13.  Connor McSaviors (12) – It is no fun to bash this team, because GM Ryan Zupan inherited this train wreck.  Oh who am I kidding, stop building your team out of players on the teams in northwestern Canada, they are all fucking toxic.  You suck Zooperpylon.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs (13) – Home is where the heart is.  You are better off watching this video, which I will have on repeat on my TV all Christmas holiday, then spending anymore time thinking about this team.

I watched the entire thing. Peace on earth.

Thank you all.  And thank you Ron Swanson.  JM.