Power Rankings: Week 7

Before we get to power rankings, just a reminder that league fees are due by December 1.  I don’t care how much you owe, even it is $1.88, if payment is not received, you will be locked out of team management. 

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances 

Now, this week’s power rankings are being brought you from Texans GM, Chris Thomas, disproving the stereotype that people from Texas can neither read or write (but not disproving the stereotype that Texas is full of only steers and queers):

1.  Anzoolander (2) - This team has done a great job of using the waiver wire and (Kills me to say) drafting. There is a potent talent level here with unbelievable scoring ability. Getting lucky with a rookie who must love date raping girls to be able to keep up with Kane, and a veteran finally living up to his ability in Montreal. Unfortunately Gallagher will be out with a broken hand that requires surgery (waaaaaahh). If the goaltending can keep up, look out, this could be on the path to repeat.

(GM Jesse Cook after championship #2, which won’t happen)

2.  Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

This team is not surprisingly ranked number two because of the consistency. With only 1 player with 20 points, but 10 players with 15 or more points, should keep this train moving. Average goal tending could derail this team for the Anze Cup, but there is no doubt they will make the playoffs. Looks like selling Connor for this years’ cup may pay off.

3.  Philospoher King (10) - This team is only ranked number three out of pity. His team is over-performing from the norm and with the injury to his young super star, this could get ugly quick. There is a load of young talent who will no doubt keep this team great for years to come as long as the GM can keep a level head. Now that his trading partners have nothing, and I mean nothing to give, he will have to look for other avenues to improve his team.

4.  Texans (4) - This team has been very consistent with an unlucky schedule. The mediocre drafting could be the demise. Also, great Defense seems to be a problem with the best worst +/- at Minus 40. If this team stays healthy, could make a run for the cup. Inevitably this GM will find a way to screw up this years’ team with some corroboration of bertmetrics. (Had to keep this picture going)

5.  Pistol’s Hellcats (7) - This team has great goaltending…. And nothing else!

Trending Down but will still make the playoffs because of a super easy schedule!

6.  Super Sperm (3) - Wow, this team could be so good. Arguably the best keepers in the league. Arguably the worst management though. Bad drafting has kept this team at arm’s reach from the top. I suggest a big trade or two will push you closer to the top.

7.  Jesse Loves Paymon (5) - Lucky for this team Evgeni Malkin might have woken up. GM Steve McIntyre also uses the preferred method of trading (bertmetrics). Average goaltending and poor play from most of his team is why this team ends up in the seven spot. Should he find some suitors for a big trade (which he won’t) he might have a team to compete.  Here is your trading partner:

8.  Kane & She Was Abel (6) - This team is aptly named as the only good player he has is leading the league in points. Luckily this works out to two decent players on other teams. The only reason this team is doing so well in the rankings is because each week the team playing him has an off week. This will change, unlike the behavior of his top player:

9.  Hatrick Swayze (12) - With one player above 15 points and bad goaltending, it’s easy to see why this team remains in the lower middle. Might want to think about changing your picture. Cut and paste should work for you. If you still don’t understand why your team is here, actually look at it! (JM:  This team is on pace to defy statistics.  There is a high correlation between shots and points, and this team is defying that correlation.  Top of the league in shots, bottom in points, it is actually amazing to watch.  Maybe this team does have AIDS.)

10.  Everett Silvertips (11) - This team continues to baffle me as to why they keep losing with the keepers they have… Oh wait, terrible goaltending and mismanagement. It is unbelievable how good the original keepers are but won’t produce on this team. The lack of depth is obvious another red flag. Speaking of flags, GM Court Watson might want to waive this around.

11.  Kanucks (8) - This team is good, oh wait, that is another team. The good news for GM Dave is that he is used to being in this spot. There might be one player you can trade (JM:  Nope). Third lowest in points scored but second in PIMS is a good thing right! Just like something else I have heard of.

12.  Connor McSaviors (9) - This team got a raw deal coming into the league with a bad team. Rookie GM Ryan Zupan had the chance to get things going with some good picks in the draft and chose Drouin with his FIRST pick. What were you thinking GM Zoops, your future is at the bottom, welcome to the best league around (JM: ever)!

I know you like posting these types of pics!

13.  ChingChong BingBongs (13) - This team is really good at being bad. Fortunately there is one team worse. There are 3 players with over 15 points, and that is it. You should have a good shot at 1^st pick next year.

14.  Me So Vyborny (14) - If hockey’s greatest players were on the second line, this team would be awesome. As most of us know, it is the top line that does most of the scoring hence why this team has hardly any points. Maybe a 3 or 4 for 1 trade could be in the works for a playoff team needing depth. Just saying. It’s an idea! Good luck!

Good job Tex.  JM.

Power Rankings: Week 5

Here's this week's power rankings brought to you by poo-litzer prize winning investigatory journalist, Rick Shaw (Editor’s note: Actually, it is Bert Fong).

1. Lokomotiv 2138 (1)



What a week.  What a season.  Lokomotiv 2138 is looking more like the juggernaut it should be instead of the usual jugger-not that it is.  With the exception of Week 3, this team has been kicking ass and taking names not losing more than 4 categories while winning no less than 10.  Who knew a "Cole" powered choo-choo could be so unstoppable.

2. Anzoolander (2)

Through 4 weeks, this team still remains undefeated and could be the closest team that could stop Lokomotiv. He's been just as dominating as Lokomotiv (with the exception of Week 3 as well).  I asked what Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook attributed his fantasy hockey prowess to and he responded, "PBJ.  I have it 2, maybe 3, times a day."  When I asked why he has peanut butter and jelly so many times a day, he replied, "Peanut butter and jelly?! I was referring to Paymon's Ball Juice."

3.  Super Sperm (4)

This team looks as though it's been getting better each week.  There hasn't been one week where he's scored less than 20 points and while some of his keepers (i.e. Nash and Perry) have been struggling, his draftees (i.e. Yakupov, Seabrook, Suter) have been picking up the slack, but time will tell if they can maintain this.  If his goaltending comes around, he could be a real contender.

4. Texans (5)

This team can go far, but an early face-off (and drubbing) against Lokomotiv stalled what could still be a banner year for the Texans

5. Jesse Loves Paymon (6)

With 2 keepers on the IR, JLP GM Steve McIntyre has had to rely on the bench to fill in the void which he's managed to do with some success.  With news of Datsyuk possibly returning to the lineup this week, the outlook for this team is looking brighter.  Now if only he could do something about his goaltending...

 

6. Kane And She Was Abel (7)

How in the world is this team where it is in the standings? Seems as though GM Mike Gaunt is looking to do what that girl wasn't able to do: ride Patrick Kane to a big payday.  Not sure how that will play out for him, but it seems to be working for the moment, so why not just keep on going?


7. Pistol's Hellcats (3)

I have no idea how this team is in first.  Oh wait, having 3 bye weeks in the first 5 weeks will do that for you.  This team hasn't broken the 20 point plateau since Week 2 and if they keep trending in this direction, this ranking could be generous.  When asked what he thought about his detractors saying he was all flash, no finish, he replied, "Firstly, I don;t have tractors.  I'm a real estate agent, not a farmer.  B, of course I have no Finnish.  I'm Canadian."  Like Laser Luke said last week, "No one loves this team more than its own GM."  Hellcats GM Pete Shpak could be the new FIGJAM.

  

8. Kanucks (12) Seems to be doing something right, but it's Dave and he will inevitably do something to eff it all up.

9. Connor McSaviors (11)

Bertmetrics applauds the addition of Clayton Stoner.



10. Philosopher Kings (9)

This team was moving along just nicely until Connor McDavid broke his collarbone.  Don't worry though, I'm sure ChingChong BingBongs will let you "trade Kane" them again.

11. Everett Silvertips (10)

This is an unusual spot to see this team that is used to being in the top eight.  However, I'm sure Silvertips GM Court Watson's penchant for spreadsheets and statistical norms (hehe, I said testicles) will surely bring this team back up from the depths of the cellar.

12. Hatrick Swayze (8)

With only 6 players whose rankings have improved since the season started, the odds of this team improving (unless Sidney Crosby turns it around) is about as good as GM Todd Toothill going the rest of the season in men's league hockey without getting another penalty.

13. Me So Vyborny (13)

Showed some promise at the beginning, but then so is going to the prom with the second sluttiest girl in school only to be ditched while she gives it up to Timmy Konowalchuk under the bleachers on the football field because he swiped some peppermint schnapps from his dad's liquor cabinet.  I digress.  Vyborny GM, Matt Meier is getting some decent production from his keepers, but it's his bench and his goaltending that's letting him down.  It's still early in the season so things can still turn around.

14. ChingChong BingBongs (14)

I don't think there is anything more you could say about this team. Other than "It. Is, Hall-Eeee-Bow." It is clear to all, that the bad trades during the season last year and the following off season, why CCBB GM Bert Fong is the first and ONLY person to win the Eugene Adams Award twice and this season could make it a three-peat.  I tried to get an interview with him after his unprecedented accomplishment, but he was speechless, so all I was able to get was this picture.  A picture is worth a thousand words.

Power Rankings: Week 4

We are three weeks in, lots of story lines taking shape.  Most notably, some of the best players in the league being injured or dying (Tavares, Price, McDavid, Crosby (I think).  Here are this week’s power rankings, courtesy of Philospher King GM, Luke Mackinnon.  As always, previous rank is in parenthesis.

1.  Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

With 9 players and both goalies ranked in the top 100, you had better brace yourself for this undefeated team.  After knocking off the number one seed in week one, (even though both teams outscored everyone), all could see right away that the huge blockbuster trade in the offseason was about to pay off in 2015-16. Burns a top 5 d-man, Zetterberg has 14 points, Crawford had back to back shutouts last week, Hudler and Plecanic 'throw in players', all for one prospect and a very late draft pick. Even though this team could face some D trouble soon, Lokomotiv has been sharp on the waiver grabbing the likes of Larkin, an absolute steal (considering others drafted a rookie in the 4th). Look for this team to continue its trend around the top of the league.  #AllinOrBust

2.  Anzoolander (5)

Another undefeated team, last years cup champion is right back at it.  I honestly have no idea how, considering the number of picks he had in the top 5 rounds.  He might just have the best keepers in the game though, so that helps. And Carey Price. Price.  The goalie, that he traded for JVR, FML. Kuz and Gallagher are proving the genius of this ugly, ugly, GM.  His seven player defensive core will prove to be his downfall, as I predict there is no way he can maintain a top five spot for long.  Top heavy, like the real Jesse Dean Cook and that massive mug, this team will stumble.  #WhereIsTheDepth

3.  Pistol's Hellcats (2)

No one loves this team more than its own GM.  With 11 players and both goalies in the top 100 rankings, some might ask how and why this team is not ranked number one. With two great goalies (yes, they are both great), they should be up in the top ranks to stay.  We need to see more from this team though then a disgraceful loss last week with half the points of other teams, and two wins in the first two weeks to 'bye teams'.  If his old d-men don't break, and Jagr can keep playing hockey, you would think this team will keep the high scores rolling.  #DomiTrain #UnderAppreciated 

4.  Super Sperm (4)

Great keepers that should be scoring a ton of goals will always keep this team in the tops of this league.  He only has one goalie and 3 d-men... both could be an issue, but so far its worked. Picking Yak, Strome, Duclair, Reinhart, and so on, is reaching ... but maybe.  All good players that could break out in a big way... maybe.  I tend to like this team.  #MovingOnUp

5.  Texans (7)

With so many picks in the top 5 rounds, even a Texan could not fuck this up. This team is strong top to bottom, and not only held the preseason number one ranking, it also held the Yahoo draft site projections at number one.  Kudos to a previously terrible GM for making the necessary sacrifice last year to be good this year. A couple changes and this could be the team to beat this year heading into playoffs.  #HeadedToTheTop

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (11)

Some have tried to pull the title of worst team name away from this squad... and it just can never stick while this team exists. With major injuries across the board and Bobrovsky playing the way he is, this team will be lucky to stick in the mix over the next few weeks. It faces tough competition with adversity. If they can play to a respectable level, I expect that it will make them stronger, and we will see this team in the playoffs come season end.  #HangingOn #InjuryBug

7.  Kane & She Was Able (6)

The pain this team must go through every week to choose its second goalie must give this offside GM fits.  "Which of my split time goalies is going to have a better chance to win their one game they will play this week??!!?"  Clearly what doesn't bother him, from looking at the team name, is the fact that Kane, Big Buff, and Ribeiro all spend time in and around jail or the law.  Bad boys to the core, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Simmonds is in on the fun too. In other news, a player no one has ever heard of in Borowiecki is getting his fourth weekly start in a row... surely its the sound of his name that is the lure, and not the one assist.  #CriminalsNeverWin #Borg

8.   Hatrick Swayze (12)

Another one of these all round fantasy hockey teams that you would think would be higher up the ranks.  It doesn't help that Sidney Crosby, normally an absolute terror to play against, has 5 points on the year.  The other thing that is easy to see on this squad, is what teams the players play for.  A lot of Buffalo, Toronto, Arizona and so on.  Is anyone sure that besides Kucherov and Tampa, that anyone of these players actually plays for a team that is going to make the playoffs?  This rookie GM might have shown his rookie stripes already... or maybe those are the gems on bad teams drafted for good value.  I can't tell yet. I'm sure Toots The Tyrant can get them there though.  Expect this team to battle for a playoff spot. #Roughstart

9.  Philosopher Kings (3)

An offseason move that set this team back for the now, things were looking up as his youth and changes were paying off. Then Conner Mcdavid went AWOL into the boards. This team is about to go AWOL as well. Can Jones really be a number one goalie? Is David Krejci back? Is Getz just done? Who is Nikolaj Ehlers anyways? #TooManyQuestions #TooEarlyToTell

10.  Everett Silvertips  (9)

I can hear the cries of injustice and NOOOOOooo's now as you read this! Currently ranked as the worst team in this league, even the shitty mismanagement of this GM can't keep this team down for long.  Those that face this team could be in for a rude awakening, as this team will awake from its slumber soon. Despite the goalie turnstile that GM Court Watson has implemented with the likes of Markstrom, Gustavsson, Ortio, Ullmark, Stalock, Ward, Nilsson, Mrazek, and Rask, he still does arguably have the best keepers in this league.  And as one GM interviewed said, "its a team of the who's who in fantasy hockey, WTF?".  I guess spreadsheets and shooting percentage are not always right. Might want to try watch a game some day.  #Enigma #YouSuckCourt

11.  Conner McSaviors (10)

I know for a fact every Sunday when this GM sets his line up, he curses Todd Toothill’ss name for getting the better situation.  An honorable job making some offseason moves to improve, this is the first team on this list that will not be in the hunt for the playoffs.  I would think GM 'I'll show you a dick pick every chance I get, Zupan" knew that when he drafted Drouin in the first round.  Its all about the future, and this GM will be a big upgrade to the do nothing GM of the past.  Good luck McSaviors. #BuildingForTheFuture

12.  Kanucks (13)

A tradeaholic by nature, this GM spends his time debating moves, while making moves in cross fit. I like the effort, and as previously discussed, believe he wins more than we give him credit for... that said... you'll never win playing four weeks in a row of two goalies on the same team, Elliot/Allen.  For the love of God, put your tradeaholic blood to good use and do something about it.  Its painful to watch.  Even doing this, this team laid an absolute blasting to Everett Silvertips last week.  The pieces are there to make an impact, but not going anywhere unless the goalie situation gets resolved.  #TylerJohnsonForGoalieTradeRumors

13.  Me So Vyborny (8)

The team of second line players, with a couple gems that are not performing... and with no end in site. Yikes.  I don't know that the one waiver wire move shows...?  I don't know what those two goalies are trying to show us either??!!  Why are they so bad.  Starters, with every opportunity... just so bad... #Help.WhatDoIDo?

14.  Ching Chong Bing Bongs (14)

Next year I will be signing the petition to have this team name switch to Bertmetrics, with the slogan "you win some, you lose some, and sometimes you ching chong bing bong some."  Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE, offseason trades doomed this team from the beginning, and there is absolutely NO recovering from it this year. Lose. Get the number one draft pick, and trade it to me for more than Hornqvist (current rank 386th), and a back up goalie on a shitty shitty team that has one win and three games under his belt.  I could blast you with details of more past trades like moving a second round for literally nothing (editor’s note:  and Getzlaf and Pacioretty for nothing)... but I like you. You're funny... And you should never tap the fishbowl.  #InvestInNextYearNow.

Laser Luke, on point.

Thanks Luke, generally on point with some glaring errors but whatevs.

Also, amounts owed for this year can be found here: 

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances 

This includes the $60 league entry fee and transaction fees from last year (less remaining payout for those who won something).  All payments must be made through paypal to puckyourself at live dot com.  All payments in USD.  All fees paid by the GM, the league does not absorb any fees.  Then the money sits in paypal until the season ends.  Payment is due by Nov. 1.  After November 1, your roster will be locked and you will not be able to do anything until you pay.  Got it?  Don’t care.  Figure it out.

JM