Playoff Eulogy: Pistol’s Hellcats

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the first in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.  Up first, Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook pays his respects to Pistol’s Hellcats.

Pistol's Hellcats - RIP 2015

Last year’s Anze Cup Champion, Pistol's Hellcats, bowed out in the first round of this years Anze Cup Playoffs due to a horrific display of goaltending. Though Pistol's Hellcats felt they had the best goalies in the league hands down...well...you clearly didn’t.

Filled with a roster full of has-beens and overrated bums, it was impressive that Pistol's Hellcats made the playoffs. Even more shocking was this squad vying for the President's Trophy until shitting the bed against the worst team in fantasy hockey history, the ChingChong BingBongs, the last week of the season. It was probably God's way of saying to the GM "why are you getting married you stupid fucking idiot." God does work in mysterious ways...so does Santa Claus.

Speaking of God, he clearly loves Jesse Love Paymon more than Pistol's Hellcats.  But then again, his son was a Jew, so that makes sense.

This will be an interesting off-season for Pistol's Hellcats (not the actual GM as his life is now full of boring stories no one is interested in) as the team is at a cross-roads. The team is old...really old and has one good player and the Calder Trophy Winner. Holtby showed he's not a winner, and the rest of the team is just garbage. 

Look for some trades to take place and it is great to see almost all teams engaged in trading this season. You win some, you lose some, and you ChingChong BingBong some. 

The New Fight of the Century

Some people like to think the “Thrilla in Manilla” was the greatest fight of the three bout series between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier.  While that was a good one, the first fight was coined the “Fight of the Century” for a reason.  That fight is a fitting analogy to one of the best fantasy hockey playoff matchups I have seen in a while, mainly because in both the playoff match and the fight, a gorilla prevailed (not because he was black, because that was Ali’s nickname for Frazier, you racist).

It all came down to the last day in this “epic” match (side note: I use epic in quotation marks because the Bubonic Plague was epic, the Crusades were Epic.  Your fantasy hockey matchup, or your workout, are not), right down to the last two minutes of the last two games.  A game winning goal for the Halifax Highlanders, a very real possibility in both games, and they win.  You could almost hear Burt Lancaster scream “The tension, and the excitement here, is monumental!”  In fact, lets just watch that to get everyone pumped up.

What a finish.

In the end, Captain Serious sealed the deal for Anzoolander.  When Jesse Cook was told that Toews just had a game winning goal to save his team, Cook responded, “he didn’t save my team, he just iced the match.  So serious.”

For all the other matchups, the losers were either outmanaged, outmatched, outplayed, or all three.  Pick one.  There were some windows closing on some good teams this season if they couldn’t pull off an Anze Cup, and those windows slammed shut.

With that, lets look at this week’s playoff matchups.

1.  Bizarrohawks vs. 7.  Everett Silvertips (regular season winner – 20-9 for Bizarrohawks)

Everett Silvertips came back to life after a few quiet weeks, leading the entire league in points for the 5th time in the last 7 weeks, easily dominating his opponent.  Still, the weakness here is in net, especially that terrible, god awful goalie for the Canucks, and that will be an uncertainty for however long this team lasts (which won’t be long).  Bizarrohawks on the other hand, put up an awful performance, barely eeking out a win against a team that had its two best players on IR.  So bad is this team playing in fact, that only 2 of the starting offense this made it into the top 300 over the last seven days.

But isn’t that how it works?  Great teams find a way to win even when not playing their best, and this team continues to do so.  This may be a bit closer of a matchup, and Everett Silvertips enters the week as healthy as they have ever been, but I still like Bizarrohawks to advance.  This match is going to come down to goaltending and ancillary stats, like short handed goals.

Prediction:  Bizarrohawks sneaks by 6-5-5, and makes its first appearance in the Anze Cup Finals.

3.  Anzoolander versus 5.  Jesse Loves Paymon (regular season winner – 20-7 for Anzoolander)

Here was have the hottest team from last week versus the team with the most uninspiring victory.  I applaud JLP GM Steve McIntyre for going for it at the trade deadline, but he really didn’t get that much out of his trades, and his team looked awful.  Maybe it is just his shiny head that looks awful, I don’t know. 

But the best part of this matchup isn’t the teams, it is the long tenured relationship of the GMs themselves.  Brothers from another mother, born 20 days apart, been through thick and thin.  One hooked up with the other’s sister, and one drew all over the other’s face (not really a fair trade, but I laughed at both). 

I am looking forward to good banter on the Smack Talk feature on the league page (quietly the most underrated new feature), and can see Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook hunched over his computer like a gorilla slamming the desk when things go wrong, with Steve McIntyre watching StatTracker 10 miles away with a beverage in hand with the same incredulous “Are you kidding me?!?!?” as when he would get runner runner eliminated from a sit-and-go.  This game will come down to one player; Carey Price.  He could literally stand beside the net and allow all shots in for the rest of the season and still win the Vezina.  What a season he has had.  Bert, you are an idiot.   There is no other way to put it.

Prediction:  Anzoolander makes its second Anze Cup Finals appearance in a row, winning 8-4-4.

Good luck to all teams still in it, and God speed.

The Playoffs!!!

We are finally here.  What a thrill ride this weekend was.  So many ups and downs, so close for both the President’s Trophy and the last few playoffs spots each with the teams switching multiple times on Saturday and Sunday (well, maybe Saturday, I was drinking for more than 20 hours of that day (true story) and couldn’t really see anything).

First, congrats to Pete Shpak for making it back to the playoffs to defend the Anze Cup.  And for joining the dumbest club on the planet this weekend.  At least it was super fun.

To Luke, congrats on winning the President’s Trophy.  Personally, I think it is the harder accolade to win, and you had an impressive season having Bert give away his best players to you make strategic moves.  That reminds me, remember when I talked about Bertmetrics in the fourth ever blog post for this league?  Good times.

And to Cole, for finishing ninth in an absolutely spectacular way; losing 13-0 to the then worst team in the league, including losing the goalie categories because you didn’t have enough appearances (that super high bar of “2”).  This is just for you:

9th.

With that, lets take a look at the first round matchups.  Those of you that remember my picks last year, I went 7-0 in matchup picks (prove me wrong).

1.  Bizarrohawks versus 8. 3rd and Luongo to Go (regular season winner – 16-11 for Bizarrohawks)

I don’t see this being close.  3rd and Luongo’s loss of Kane (pick one) is just too much to do much against a fairly healthy Bizarrohawks.  I think goaltending categories will be close, but it just won’t be enough, and Bizarrohawks easily advances. 

Prediction:  Bizarrohawks wins easily, 10-4-2

2.  Super Sperm versus 7.  Everett Silvertips (regular season winner – 8-2 for Super Sperm)

This matchup is going to come down to two things; the Wall and how many players get hurt for the Everett Silvertips this week.  While 3 of the 4 who sat last week because they were all injured the week before that have returned, Everett Silvertips is a bruised and battered team.  Super Sperm on the other hand has been a model of consistency and the team’s workhorses have continually performed and all have 3 or more games this week.  Looking back at prior weeks and matching up totals, these teams are often close when healthy, and while the Everett Silvertips is the only team with two players currently sitting top ten in scoring, Super Sperm has gotten better production from the depth players overall.

Prediction:  Super Sperm eeks this one out, 8-7-1

3.  Anzoolander versus 6.  Halifax Highlanders (regular season winner – 8-6 for Halifax Highlanders)

I think it would be hard to argue there is a hotter team in the league than the Halifax Highlanders, and initially I thought the upset would be a walk in the park.  If anyone has been watching closely, Anzoolander has slowed down a bit, primarily as goals and shots fall in line with what they should be (3rd in goals, 8th in shots is a deviation from the mean).  Anzoolander’s goaltenders have been dynamite though, but so have the crew for Halifax Highlanders. 

And then tonight happened.  What a night for Anzoolander, probably the best night he could put up with 11 points from seven players.  But here is the thing, after that performance, Anzoolander is still tied with the Halifax Highlanders.  This matchup is in my mind could be the best match up of the playoffs, the Gatti Ward of this year’s Anze Cup playoffs.  I am looking forward to pouring myself a full glass of scotch, putting stattracker on the big screen and watching it unfold while I chirp both of the GMs.

Prediction:  Heroic KO in the 7th round, and Anzoolander has a big Sunday to comeback and win 8-4-4

4.  Pistol’s Hellcats versus 5.  Jesse Loves Paymon (regular season winner – 13-9 for Pistol’s Hellcats)

Pistol’s Hellcats is limping into the playoffs as this team attempts to defend the Anze Cup.    Meanwhile, the last time Jesse Love Paymon beat one of teams in the playoffs was week 10 (3rd and Luongo got in on a technicality).  Both teams are already off to mediocre starts offensively, and both have goalies with no real history of success outperforming expectations this week.  Not sure I get the logic of having Skinner in over Duchene while Duchene is on a little bit of a hot streak, but oh well. Should be fun to watch!   Like watching wet cement into a side walk.  At some point, one of their no name goalies has to give, it is just a question of who is first. 

Prediction:  Hammond gives first, Double D stays strong.  Jesse Loves Paymon wins, 7-6-3

Good luck gentlemen.

Power Rankings: Week 20

Hello all.  Since it is the NHL trade deadline, I thought now would be as good a time as any to do another power rankings.  The race for the President’s Trophy has come down to a three pony race (at least non-mathematically, in my head), and unlike previous years where there were 6 or 7 teams competing for the last 3 playoff spots, it is looking like only a couple of teams will be competing to sneak into the playoffs and destroy the hopes and dreams of a top seed.

If there is one thing completely out of a GM’s control that has a significant impact on the quest for the Anze Cup, it is injuries.  You know what else is completely out of control?  Hashtags.  They are for fuck twats.  Who Crossfit.  So just Dave Kitchen.  And ISIS.

1. Pistol’s Hellcats (1) – Strong goaltending and solid offense puts this team atop the standings, though weary rests the head that holds the crown; relying on someone named Andrew Hammond is never a good idea and will most likely explode in Pete’s face like a money shot from Peter North.  Despite losing Lundqvist, this team statistically still has the best goalies in the league (with an average ranking of 1.2 across scoring categories in out league this season).  Hopefully, King Henrik will be back just in time for the playoffs. #don’tdoitstaysingle

2. Super Sperm (3) – Was the beneficiary of shitty team management by Cole Ballard of Flowers In the Cage and as a result, now sits atop the standings.  This team has the most potent offense in the league, but as good as the offense is, the goaltending is that bad.  #Pavelecisn’ttheanswer

3. Jesse Loves Paymon (12) – Sergei Bobrovsky comes back for the final regular season push and into the playoffs.  This team has quietly put up some pretty good numbers and appear to be clicking at the right time.  #pityrankingstevewillfuckitup

4. Bizzarohawks (7)– Despite being the healthiest team in the league, this team has failed to impress the last little while and has cooled down significantly.  However, great teams hold on while in a slump, and this team appears to be doing so.  The question is, is this a slump, or are the absurdities of this roster early on (the standard deviation was off the charts) returning to normal levels?  Bizzarohawks and Anzoolander share the top spot statistically across all league offensive scoring categories, so this will be interesting to watch. #aslongasbertisaroundyouhavesomeonetogiveyouhotplayersfornothing

5. Everett Silvertips (6) – In mid February of last season, this team lost its top scorer, then #2 in the NHL, for the rest of the season.  In mid February of this season, this team lost its top scorer, #1 in the NHL, 4-5 weeks.  Luckily, this season, another player on this team has stepped up and now sits tied for #1 in scoring.  After getting absolutely soul crushed three weeks ago, losing 12-0 and its best player, this team has lead the entire league in scoring each of the last two weeks (outscoring the next best team by 10 points a week ago), and walked away with an easy victory against Anzoolander despite Anzoolander having 12 more games played during the week.  The goalies suck so this team really has no chance, but I wouldn’t want to play them in a the first round.  I would say the loss of Ryan Miller is the loss of an elite goaltender, but the word elite associated with the Vancouver Canucks is completely inappropriate.  What a shitty, shitty franchise. #lackluster

6.  Flowers In The Cage (4) – GM Cole Ballard must sit in his office and modify his roster eleventy times every Monday before the first puck drops and the roster is locked.  I have to assume the reason why Cole left Michael Hutchinson on the bench was because in a panicked haste he googled the goalie to get the latest info and to his shock found out he was dead (and used to be the lead signer for INXS):

FYI, it is Hutchinson, not Huchence.

I imagine he was even more shocked to see Hutch have a dynamite week on his bench while his starters didn’t get enough starts for any goalie category to be eligible.  As Pete Shpak of the Hellcat’s said, “Flowers in the Cage not getting enough goalie starts is going to fuck me.”  Not as much as it is going to fuck Cole, Pete.

Side note:  The last time I did the Power Rankings, I made this comment:

“Also, why Thornton is ever healthy and on the bench is a mystery to me.  But I am sure Cole knows what he is doing, given his track record.”

This still stands. #forfucksakeslearnfromyourmistakeshahathatrhymes

7.  Anzoolander (2) – This team’s offense has gone all but silent.  Putting up multiple 1 and 2 point nights with negative +/- was just embarrassing.  This team is relying solely on goaltending at this point, and it isn’t enough.  Typically number of shots taken is indicative of goals, and when you are ninth in shots and third in goals, something has to correct itself.  Says GM Jesse Cook on the team’s woes, “It is all good, Phaneuf had a game winning goal the other night, so I am in good shape.”  I can see all of you spitting out your Frosted Flakes as you read that wondering what the fuck a Phaneuf GWG on the bench has to do with a terribly cold offense. #youranzecupwindowisn’tclosingitisslammedshut

Side note:  Speaking of Phaneuf, lets look at pictures of his wife:

Avery blazed the trail

She is no Charlotte McKinney, but she’ll do.  Aw fuck it, lets look at Charlotte, she is like Kate Upton, only not fat:

8.  3rd and Luongo (5) – Before you look at the this team and the next, you may want to look at the stat line for last week’s matchup.  Are you back?  Yeah, it took until Saturday for this team to crack 10 points for the week.  Some key injuries have just crushed this team, and totally exposed a lack of depth.  What an exciting matchup that was to watch on stat tracker, watching shots increase periodically #barnburner

9.  Texans (9) – your goalies are phenomenal, even the ones on the bench.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, YOUR OFFENSE IS AENEMIC.  If this team can do something before Go Puck Yourself’s trade deadline (even though it can be easily found on the league site, Luke and Ryan, it is March 19, 2015).  #dubynkforvezina

10.  Halifax Highlanders (10) – Across all scoring categories, this team actually sits inside the playoffs when looking at pure totals.  Not really sure why this team sits outside the playoffs, but it does.   Maybe it has to do with its star player, Sidney Crosby, being terrible, at least by Crosby’s standards.  Oh wait, I just looked at the player rankings from for this team for the entire season.   It is a complete lack of depth that is hurting this team #isiteversunnyinpittsburgh?

11.  Me So Vyborny (11) – Well, my hats off the GM Matt Meier; still in the playoff hunt this late in the season, even though this is your fourth favorite sport (third actually, because soccer is not a real sport).  More than I can say for the Kanucks.  #atleastyougotthatgoingforyouwhichisnice

12.  ChingChong BingBongs (14) – I mean, I guess I could put this team in last, seeing as how GM Bert Fong gave away the team’s two best players for each other (yeah, figure that one out).  Maybe the league ought to vote and just restrict Bert from making any trades during a season.  We do live in the time of Obama and social engineering now being acceptable so that seems reasonable #worstpresidentever

13.  Kanucks (8) – Thinks were looking bizzaro world at the start of the season as the Kanucks looked like a force to be reckoned with.  Then, GM Dave Kitchen got involved and assumed that running a fantasy hockey team was a mindless as running a crossfit work out session and everything is back to where it has been the last 4 years #shirtlessmenyellingandusingastopwatch

14.  Not Poodle (13) – Do something.  Anything. #theworst