Power Rankings: Week 20

Hello all.  Since it is the NHL trade deadline, I thought now would be as good a time as any to do another power rankings.  The race for the President’s Trophy has come down to a three pony race (at least non-mathematically, in my head), and unlike previous years where there were 6 or 7 teams competing for the last 3 playoff spots, it is looking like only a couple of teams will be competing to sneak into the playoffs and destroy the hopes and dreams of a top seed.

If there is one thing completely out of a GM’s control that has a significant impact on the quest for the Anze Cup, it is injuries.  You know what else is completely out of control?  Hashtags.  They are for fuck twats.  Who Crossfit.  So just Dave Kitchen.  And ISIS.

1. Pistol’s Hellcats (1) – Strong goaltending and solid offense puts this team atop the standings, though weary rests the head that holds the crown; relying on someone named Andrew Hammond is never a good idea and will most likely explode in Pete’s face like a money shot from Peter North.  Despite losing Lundqvist, this team statistically still has the best goalies in the league (with an average ranking of 1.2 across scoring categories in out league this season).  Hopefully, King Henrik will be back just in time for the playoffs. #don’tdoitstaysingle

2. Super Sperm (3) – Was the beneficiary of shitty team management by Cole Ballard of Flowers In the Cage and as a result, now sits atop the standings.  This team has the most potent offense in the league, but as good as the offense is, the goaltending is that bad.  #Pavelecisn’ttheanswer

3. Jesse Loves Paymon (12) – Sergei Bobrovsky comes back for the final regular season push and into the playoffs.  This team has quietly put up some pretty good numbers and appear to be clicking at the right time.  #pityrankingstevewillfuckitup

4. Bizzarohawks (7)– Despite being the healthiest team in the league, this team has failed to impress the last little while and has cooled down significantly.  However, great teams hold on while in a slump, and this team appears to be doing so.  The question is, is this a slump, or are the absurdities of this roster early on (the standard deviation was off the charts) returning to normal levels?  Bizzarohawks and Anzoolander share the top spot statistically across all league offensive scoring categories, so this will be interesting to watch. #aslongasbertisaroundyouhavesomeonetogiveyouhotplayersfornothing

5. Everett Silvertips (6) – In mid February of last season, this team lost its top scorer, then #2 in the NHL, for the rest of the season.  In mid February of this season, this team lost its top scorer, #1 in the NHL, 4-5 weeks.  Luckily, this season, another player on this team has stepped up and now sits tied for #1 in scoring.  After getting absolutely soul crushed three weeks ago, losing 12-0 and its best player, this team has lead the entire league in scoring each of the last two weeks (outscoring the next best team by 10 points a week ago), and walked away with an easy victory against Anzoolander despite Anzoolander having 12 more games played during the week.  The goalies suck so this team really has no chance, but I wouldn’t want to play them in a the first round.  I would say the loss of Ryan Miller is the loss of an elite goaltender, but the word elite associated with the Vancouver Canucks is completely inappropriate.  What a shitty, shitty franchise. #lackluster

6.  Flowers In The Cage (4) – GM Cole Ballard must sit in his office and modify his roster eleventy times every Monday before the first puck drops and the roster is locked.  I have to assume the reason why Cole left Michael Hutchinson on the bench was because in a panicked haste he googled the goalie to get the latest info and to his shock found out he was dead (and used to be the lead signer for INXS):

FYI, it is Hutchinson, not Huchence.

I imagine he was even more shocked to see Hutch have a dynamite week on his bench while his starters didn’t get enough starts for any goalie category to be eligible.  As Pete Shpak of the Hellcat’s said, “Flowers in the Cage not getting enough goalie starts is going to fuck me.”  Not as much as it is going to fuck Cole, Pete.

Side note:  The last time I did the Power Rankings, I made this comment:

“Also, why Thornton is ever healthy and on the bench is a mystery to me.  But I am sure Cole knows what he is doing, given his track record.”

This still stands. #forfucksakeslearnfromyourmistakeshahathatrhymes

7.  Anzoolander (2) – This team’s offense has gone all but silent.  Putting up multiple 1 and 2 point nights with negative +/- was just embarrassing.  This team is relying solely on goaltending at this point, and it isn’t enough.  Typically number of shots taken is indicative of goals, and when you are ninth in shots and third in goals, something has to correct itself.  Says GM Jesse Cook on the team’s woes, “It is all good, Phaneuf had a game winning goal the other night, so I am in good shape.”  I can see all of you spitting out your Frosted Flakes as you read that wondering what the fuck a Phaneuf GWG on the bench has to do with a terribly cold offense. #youranzecupwindowisn’tclosingitisslammedshut

Side note:  Speaking of Phaneuf, lets look at pictures of his wife:

Avery blazed the trail

She is no Charlotte McKinney, but she’ll do.  Aw fuck it, lets look at Charlotte, she is like Kate Upton, only not fat:

8.  3rd and Luongo (5) – Before you look at the this team and the next, you may want to look at the stat line for last week’s matchup.  Are you back?  Yeah, it took until Saturday for this team to crack 10 points for the week.  Some key injuries have just crushed this team, and totally exposed a lack of depth.  What an exciting matchup that was to watch on stat tracker, watching shots increase periodically #barnburner

9.  Texans (9) – your goalies are phenomenal, even the ones on the bench.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, YOUR OFFENSE IS AENEMIC.  If this team can do something before Go Puck Yourself’s trade deadline (even though it can be easily found on the league site, Luke and Ryan, it is March 19, 2015).  #dubynkforvezina

10.  Halifax Highlanders (10) – Across all scoring categories, this team actually sits inside the playoffs when looking at pure totals.  Not really sure why this team sits outside the playoffs, but it does.   Maybe it has to do with its star player, Sidney Crosby, being terrible, at least by Crosby’s standards.  Oh wait, I just looked at the player rankings from for this team for the entire season.   It is a complete lack of depth that is hurting this team #isiteversunnyinpittsburgh?

11.  Me So Vyborny (11) – Well, my hats off the GM Matt Meier; still in the playoff hunt this late in the season, even though this is your fourth favorite sport (third actually, because soccer is not a real sport).  More than I can say for the Kanucks.  #atleastyougotthatgoingforyouwhichisnice

12.  ChingChong BingBongs (14) – I mean, I guess I could put this team in last, seeing as how GM Bert Fong gave away the team’s two best players for each other (yeah, figure that one out).  Maybe the league ought to vote and just restrict Bert from making any trades during a season.  We do live in the time of Obama and social engineering now being acceptable so that seems reasonable #worstpresidentever

13.  Kanucks (8) – Thinks were looking bizzaro world at the start of the season as the Kanucks looked like a force to be reckoned with.  Then, GM Dave Kitchen got involved and assumed that running a fantasy hockey team was a mindless as running a crossfit work out session and everything is back to where it has been the last 4 years #shirtlessmenyellingandusingastopwatch

14.  Not Poodle (13) – Do something.  Anything. #theworst