Bert-metrics

First off a Merry Christmas to all and I wish you and your families much happiness this holiday season.

With the release of Moneyball, sabermetrics became a household term of baseball enthusiasts, and Billy Beane’s low cost yet high winning percent management style of the Oakland A’s became a model for all sports franchises.

Recently, RoBERTo LuFONGo manager Bert Fong has attempted to introduce his own statistical analysis, attempting to show that he is smarter than Yahoo! Sports algorithms specifically designed to rate fantasy players. Problem is, while Asian on the outside, he is far from it on the inside.

“I don't such a hard look at the rankings to help make decisions,” says the linguistically challenged Asian. When arguing one player’s skills over the next, Bert-metrics includes the subjective omission of statistics that are included within league scoring. Part of Bert’s analysis also includes the philosophy “why the fuck should I care about a player's impact on their team?”

This reporter made several inquiries to respected academia. One notable interview was with Pat Watson, former gold medal winner from the University of British Columbia school of business for his studies on efficient capital markets. When Bert’s theory was explained, Pat could only conclude that because he was Asian “he probably got his driver’s license at Sears.” Indeed.

Dr. Jaghil Fuckbert, professor of statistics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, analyzed Bert-metrics thoroughly. “In his models, Bert is comparing J.P. Dumont to Jiri Hudler, ranked 75 and 87 according to Yahoo! fantasy rankings. Bert-metrics only factors in G, A, P, +/-, PPG, PPA, and GWGs.” Using those numbers led Bert to ask “Does this mean Dumont is a superior player to Hudler? I would have to say no.”

But Dr. Fuckbert argues “based on the numbers he is using, Dumont beats Hudler season to date 3-2-2. Considering there are over 1000 ranked players tracked by Yahoo! Fantasy computers, it is not unreasonable for these two players to be ranked only 12 (1.2% of a field of a 1000) apart. Bert is an idiot.”

Looks like Fuckbert says it all.

SAY IT AIN’T SO

The Boston Bruins continue to dominate the Eastern Conference, buoyed by goaltender Manny Fernandez’s strong performance. Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook, who drafted Boston’s career backup netminder Tim Thomas, readily concedes that “Manny Fernandez will now be the starter for good.”

Mats Sundin has agreed to a one year pro-rated contract with the Vancouver Canucks, and initial reports suggest that Sundin will not be paired with the Sedin twins, instead he will share ice time with Pavol Demitra. Demitra owner Ottawa HC’s manager, Court Watson, noted “I liken the Sundin effect on Demitra to Steve McIntyre pissing on Jesse Cook’s trailer; while wildly entertaining, I see no long term effects, good or bad.”

Alexander Semin returned from a stint on IR only briefly and is injured again. On Semin’s return to the Cap’s, Jesse Cook justified that this made ANZ team member Nicklas Backstrom MORE valuable than Jeff Carter, the league’s leading goal scorer. Numbers show that Jesse is dead wrong, as Backstrom saw a surge in performance filling the gap left by Semin. Actions speak louder than words however, as Jesse proposed another trade to Forgot How To Win manager Cole Ballard, offering Backstom and Patrick Sharp for Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk. Response from Cole: “You should have taken the Carter trade when I first offered it.” Jesse’s stands by his word that Backstrom is more valuable than Carter, Anze Kopitar and Alexander Frolov are to the NHL what Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are the NFL, and that when Jesse is bored he likes to “suck anus at the Odyssey.” Usually it is Paymon’s.