Power Rankings: Week 12

With teams taking a break for the Christmas holiday (yeah I said it, Christmas, screw all those other holidays), limited playing time equaled some volatile swings in matchups, and the best team didn’t always come out on top. Here we go:

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop – A down week by Reg standards and they actually gained ground on the rest of the league. Look for RRD to continue their dominance over Wonders On Ice, who is struggling to find solid goaltending with Craig Anderson losing his starting spot to Thomas Vokoun.

2. The Plumbers – Continuing last week’s success where TP buried Anzoolander, The Plumbers maintained the offensive prowess and added stellar goaltending play as both Manny Fernandez and Thomas Vokoun put on display every reason they are starters in this league. Picking up rookie phenom Kris Versteeg for the bargain of unloading streaky, oft-injured Tomas Holmstrom was a brilliant move by TP manager Steve McIntyre. McIntyre comments on the trade, "You suck Cook!” TP should dispose of Eeeeehhhhhh handily this week.

3. WONDERS ON ICE – WOI would have seen victory had he not gone head to head with The Plumbers. This week will be crucial as WOI needs a strong showing to stay at #2 in the standings.

4. Mystery Eskimos – A slow week lead to a loss to an inconsistent Ottawa HC squad. Manager Caleb Widen is looking forward to the upcoming match against BOT, telling BOT manager Cole Ballard “you don’t got dinky doo.”

5. Back on Track? – A devastating loss of Alexander Semin led to a devastating loss to RRD. Carter and crew need to pick it up to take a win off of the Mystery Eskimos and stay in the playoff hunt.

6. Ottawa HC – Sidney Crosby finally scored, Marc-Andre Fleury came back from with a vengeance, and Ottawa HC has added Brian Rolston to the roster in the upcoming week. Does Ottawa HC have enough left to claim the final playoff spot? The next few weeks will be crucial.

7. Buh humbug BITCHES! – A strong, strong offensive performance this week, BHB will look to Steve Mason and Cristobal Huet this week to propel him over bottom dweller Anzoolander. Scott Freeland, in his best Herm Edwards impersonation, was seen running the Medina marathon after this week’s victory screaming, “WE CAN BUILD ON THIS, WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!” (How is there no clip of this gem on Youtube?)

8. Eeeeehhhhhh – A brutal week, even a fantasy team of Fallopian tubes could have taken this team down. Hopefully manager Matt Welsh has some changes lined up, but it is doubtful.

9. RoBERTo LuFONGo – As noted in last week’s Bert-metrics, it was clearly demonstrated by Dr. Jaghil Fuckbert that manager Bert Fong is dumber than The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. A loss to Buh humbug BITCHES was inevitable after Bert-metrics was implemented.

10. Anzoolander – A change in team name did not hide the questionable pick up of Dustin Byfuglien nor the loss of Kris Versteeg in a sly trade by The Plumbers manager Steve McIntyre. How he won this week is a confusing as how Tom Cruise received a Golden Globe nomination for Tropic Thunder. Cook goes into this week’s matchup against Buh humbug Bitches as the clearly inferior team. Cook has said that his strongest asset was that he was “so great at blowing Jonah.” This writer categorically denies that this is true, though is investigating whether Jesse wrote the song below about his relationship with Paymon:

Bert-metrics

First off a Merry Christmas to all and I wish you and your families much happiness this holiday season.

With the release of Moneyball, sabermetrics became a household term of baseball enthusiasts, and Billy Beane’s low cost yet high winning percent management style of the Oakland A’s became a model for all sports franchises.

Recently, RoBERTo LuFONGo manager Bert Fong has attempted to introduce his own statistical analysis, attempting to show that he is smarter than Yahoo! Sports algorithms specifically designed to rate fantasy players. Problem is, while Asian on the outside, he is far from it on the inside.

“I don't such a hard look at the rankings to help make decisions,” says the linguistically challenged Asian. When arguing one player’s skills over the next, Bert-metrics includes the subjective omission of statistics that are included within league scoring. Part of Bert’s analysis also includes the philosophy “why the fuck should I care about a player's impact on their team?”

This reporter made several inquiries to respected academia. One notable interview was with Pat Watson, former gold medal winner from the University of British Columbia school of business for his studies on efficient capital markets. When Bert’s theory was explained, Pat could only conclude that because he was Asian “he probably got his driver’s license at Sears.” Indeed.

Dr. Jaghil Fuckbert, professor of statistics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, analyzed Bert-metrics thoroughly. “In his models, Bert is comparing J.P. Dumont to Jiri Hudler, ranked 75 and 87 according to Yahoo! fantasy rankings. Bert-metrics only factors in G, A, P, +/-, PPG, PPA, and GWGs.” Using those numbers led Bert to ask “Does this mean Dumont is a superior player to Hudler? I would have to say no.”

But Dr. Fuckbert argues “based on the numbers he is using, Dumont beats Hudler season to date 3-2-2. Considering there are over 1000 ranked players tracked by Yahoo! Fantasy computers, it is not unreasonable for these two players to be ranked only 12 (1.2% of a field of a 1000) apart. Bert is an idiot.”

Looks like Fuckbert says it all.

SAY IT AIN’T SO

The Boston Bruins continue to dominate the Eastern Conference, buoyed by goaltender Manny Fernandez’s strong performance. Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook, who drafted Boston’s career backup netminder Tim Thomas, readily concedes that “Manny Fernandez will now be the starter for good.”

Mats Sundin has agreed to a one year pro-rated contract with the Vancouver Canucks, and initial reports suggest that Sundin will not be paired with the Sedin twins, instead he will share ice time with Pavol Demitra. Demitra owner Ottawa HC’s manager, Court Watson, noted “I liken the Sundin effect on Demitra to Steve McIntyre pissing on Jesse Cook’s trailer; while wildly entertaining, I see no long term effects, good or bad.”

Alexander Semin returned from a stint on IR only briefly and is injured again. On Semin’s return to the Cap’s, Jesse Cook justified that this made ANZ team member Nicklas Backstrom MORE valuable than Jeff Carter, the league’s leading goal scorer. Numbers show that Jesse is dead wrong, as Backstrom saw a surge in performance filling the gap left by Semin. Actions speak louder than words however, as Jesse proposed another trade to Forgot How To Win manager Cole Ballard, offering Backstom and Patrick Sharp for Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk. Response from Cole: “You should have taken the Carter trade when I first offered it.” Jesse’s stands by his word that Backstrom is more valuable than Carter, Anze Kopitar and Alexander Frolov are to the NHL what Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are the NFL, and that when Jesse is bored he likes to “suck anus at the Odyssey.” Usually it is Paymon’s.

Power Rankings: Week 11

It’s the season of giving, and the NHL is giving fantasy teams the injury woes. Lets take a look at the Power Rankings as teams deal with the loss of key players.

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop – RRD continues to dominate opponents, racking up almost 20 more wins than the next closest team. Evgeni Malkin and Richards times deux carry the team in week 11, even with the puckstoppers having an off week.

2. Back on Track? – BOT put in a strong performance this week, and with Jose Theodore and Alexander Semin both coming off IR, this team just got that much scarier.

3. Wonders On Ice – WOI continues to ride the hot Boston Bruins team, but that tandem couldn’t offset the let down from Vancouver Canucks in the starting roster. With Thomas Vokoun getting the shutout Sunday night, WOI should be worried about the future playing time of netminder Craig Anderson.

4. The Plumbers – Was this the week that the sleeping giant awoke? Coming off some dismal performances, TP manhandled Steve Loves Paymon this week, with 5 players having 5 or more points. As Manny Fernandez becomes the go-to starter on the Bruins, the Plumbers are poised for a huge midseason run.

5. Mystery Eskimos – An off week or has Sean Avery poisoned this team? Look for Skank Marden and crew to make some adjustments for next week; changes have to come after losing to bottom dweller Buh humbug BITCHES!

6. Eeeeehhhhhh – Going with a strategy of relying on too many players on one team is risky, but it seems to be paying off. Manager Matt Welsh pulled off the trade of the season so far acquiring Ryan Miller, who has been on a hot streak since joining the team.

7. RoBERTo LuFONGo – Transparency is the game, and Bert Fong is his name. Trying to equate Todd Bertuzzi to Milan Lucic in a trade offer to BOT and then dropping Bertuzzi after the trade was rejected shows how little he respects his American counterparts in the league. When asked to comment on the American Managers in the league, he referred to them as “red neck hicks that go crazy during Jerry Springer.” Typical stuck up Asian.

8. Ottawa HC – It has been 100 years since OHC won it all, and it doesn’t look like this is going to be the year to break that streak. While OHC led the league in shooting % in week 11, it isn’t enough to cover for multi-week injuries to Derick Brassard, Daniel Alfredsson, Milan Michalek and a December scoring drought by captain Sidney Crosby. This team is in trouble.

9. Buh Humbug BITCHES – Week 11 was the first week where a glimmer of hope was seen, riding the pickup from free agency of netminder Steve Mason. BHB manager Scott Freeland is wondering aloud “will Cheechoo ever return to form? Will The Plumbers give me a gift for Christmas? If so, can it be Eric Staal back?

10. Steve Loves Paymon – Insulting trade offers have him blackballed from trade talks by at least 3 other general managers. SLP’s GAA has trended up for most of the season, exacerbated by the questionable trade that dealt Miller to Eeeeehhhhhh. SLP manager Jesse Cook further ostracized himself when he commented “it is difficult to trade with GM’s who only know a handful of players in the league.” Regardless, League Commissioner and Ottawa HC GM Court Watson is debating a formal inquiry into the genetic relation between Anze Kopitar and Jesse.

Can't We All Just Get Along

Forgot How To Win's manager, Cole Ballard, is struggling in his effort to work trades with the Canadian teams that have joined the league in the first year of Puck Yourself's expansion efforts.

"I can't figure it out, I make a reasonable trade, and they counter with some clown I have never even heard of" notes a frustrated Ballard. "I am a diehard Caps' fan, ever since the days of Pete Peters, and am willing to give up a little just to get Caps', but this is ridiculous."

One trade Ballard points to is his recent effort to acquire Alexander Ovechkin. "I offered Jeff Carter, Pavel Datsyuk, and Nicklas Lidstrom for just Ovechkin, and not only does it get rejected, he comes back with Todd Bertuzzi for Milan Lucic. How the #@!$ are those two related to the initial trade offer and why would I want that cheap shot moron?"

But Ballard says the cake goes to Steve Loves Paymon (SLP). "Does that guy think that I know nothing about hockey?" Cole asks sarcastically. "I offer Carter, the #4 player in the league, for (Nicklas) Backstrom. The he counters by offering Anze Kopitar with Backstrom for Carter and Datsyuk? Is he high? who the hell is Anze Kopitar?"

One thing is clear; Kopitar sure is ugly.

Ballard says the trade was withdrawn, "But the next offer wasn't any better. He swapped Kopitar for Doug Weight. I mean, he doesn't have to insult me."

When asked to comment on the offer, SLP manager Jesse Cook was vague, only to say "This trade is fair...big names yes, but fair. Both of us are trying to make our clubs as well rounded as possible, and fill any gaps we have." A quick look at recent Yahoo! Sports season rankings show Weight at 72 and Backstrom at 28 respectively for the year, Carter is at 10 and Datsyuk is at 34, respectively. Clearly, Cook has been eating Elmer's glue more often than his usual twice a week.

When asked to comment on Cook's trade proposals, The Plumbers manager, Steve McIntyre, commented "(Cook) uses Paymon's swass salt on (his) corn."

Yes, yes he does.

SAY IT AIN'T SO

Blue Jackets Rookie Derick Brassard is out 3-4 weeks after injuring his shoulder in last night's overtime loss to Dallas, depleting an already weak Ottawa HC roster.

Capitals goalie Jose Theodore has been activated off IR this week, but from a fantasy perpective he is still expected to suck.

The Vancouver Canucks have signed a 1 year deal with Mats Sundin which could show immediate benefit to Roberto Lufongo. The addition still does not address the fact that Roberto Lufongo is still managed by an Asian.

Tim Thomas showed indications of returning to his former self in the scoring melee last night in beantown. Phenom Manny Fernandez stepped in midway through the 2nd period to save Thomas' arse for what likely won't be the last time this season.