Power Rankings: Week 2

Anyone else stare at stattracker like it is seductive naked temptress?  Here we go.

1.  Kanucks (previous week: 1):  Team keeps plugging along though there might be some warning signs in net.  As Bryzgalov tires, will his performance deteriorate similar to Crossfit North Vancouver’s profit as the supply curve shifts to the right?  Probably, but I don’t think we are there yet (for both).

2.  Crosby’s Concussions (5) – Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre said that Thomas Vanek was riding Luke Adam’s coattails and that was the reason for his success.  Given last week’s performance, the league has begun to understand why Steve didn’t win GM of the year last year and his championship was a fluke. 

3.  Me So Vyborny (2) – Yes, this team beat the worst team in the league, but still put up decent numbers doing so.  Phil Kessel continues to light it up.  The concern on this team may be Al Montoya, who despite his clear Vezina candidacy, may see more of a time share with Evgeni Nabokov.

4.  Everett Silvertips (3) – Average offense hidden by stellar goaltending.  Hopefully the introduction of Martin Havlat, who seems to be gelling with Couture and Clowe quite nicely in his two games since returning from injury, can spark the offense.

5.  Anzoolander (8) – Big win and an upgrade on defense this week (more on that later).  Starting Brian “The Wall” Elliot is always suspect though.

6.  Pistol’s Hellcats (9) – As usual, tagging right along behind Jesse, his favorite spot.  Let’s see if he can finally rise above his idol mancrush dream lover hero friend.

7.  Texans (11) – Goaltending covered weak offense.  Waiting for this team to warm up, which is kind of scary since they are third overall.

8.  Super Sperm (7) – This team needs Phil Kessel.  Sergei Bobby is not the solution.

9.  Captain Chinese (4) – Holy shit, even before the Andrew Brunette debacle, this team set a near record for lowest points in a week.   Many of you noticed the trade this past week, in which Anzoolander stole an offensive defender in Christian Ehrhoff and dumped Andrew Brunette.  Here is how I envisioned it in GM Bert Fong’s little Japanese mind using the tried and true Bertmetrics:

“If I can get a LW slated to be the 301 best player in the league, and he is playing as though he is the 276^th player, is 38 years old, and he is only eligible for LW, and I have 4 others eligible for that position that are playing better, 2 others on IR that are forecasted to be better, giving me a total of 7 options at LW, and all I have to give up is an elite defender with offensive talent and will probably have more points this season than the LW’s best season of his 16 year career, and my third defender is great, but is also 36 and played 50 games last year, should I take that deal?

In a fucking heart beat.”

When I reached out to Bert to corroborate the thought process, he corrected one thing:

“Heartbeat is one word.”

And guess what, Pronger is now hurt.  Well played Bert.  You suck.

10.  Not Poodle!!! (14) – Stevie Franchise is no longer Stevie Franchise.  Fatty called it.  Duncan Keith is his best player.  That is sad.

11.  Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – The only team in the league that has a keeper playing on the fourth line.

12.  Clarence Swampton (10) – Luongo sucks.  This team sucks.

13.  Bizzarohawks (12) – C’mon god, give this team a break.  Sounds like Max Pacioretty got dinged pretty bad and will be out for some time.

14.  Flowers in The Cage (13) – I can’t say it any better than GM Cole Ballard: “What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole team is this?”

Everyone has paid except Dave Kitchen and Fatty.  Rosters lock November 1 for you two clowns.