Has there ever been a year where the NHL scheduling has been such an impact than it will be this first couple of weeks? We will have some teams with almost as many games this upcoming week alone as others will have played so far in this fresh young season. It will be tough to get a good sense of the relative strengths of each team in this league until it evens out. However, that won’t stop me from trying, and pissing everyone off in the process.
1. Kanucks (previous week: 1) – This season may forever be remembered as the year of the Loui, as the clear best player in the draft magically didn’t get drafted number 1 and fell right into GM Dave Kitchen’s lap. I said I liked this team at the draft, but I didn’t know how Dave would fuck it up. I still don’t. Having Michael Cammalleri and Evgeni Malkin out for at least this week will hurt, but not as much as one would think as this team relied on strong netminding and contributions from the entire team. Dave recently went through an identity crisis, changing the team name at one point to “Crossfit Cuntfaces” which Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook accurately observed “is by far the best team name, Kitchen.” It sounds like Dave offended himself in naming his team, but the name really couldn’t be any more accurate, as noted in the video below. It may be a cartoon, but go to any CrossFit gym in the world and it will be scary how accurate this video is.
2. Me So Vyborny – Thanks to keeper Phil Kessel, this team touts the top offense in the league. Four games this week for Kessel will certainly help this team continue its strong start. What the fuck was Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble thinking trading away Phil Kessel? What a retarded move.
3. Everett Silvertips – It is very, very weird to see this team 1) with a winning record before late February, if at all and 2) with the second best goalie tandem in the league. May get creamed this week with its biggest offensive guns sitting out because of only two games on the schedule, but GM Court Watson is beginning to realize that, so far this season, Drew Doughty on IR is better than Duncan Keith in the starting roster (and go fuck yourself, Fatty).
4. Captain Chinese – Looked good this first week; but would you really want to brag that Shane Doan and Optimus Reim are carrying your team? I wouldn’t.
5. Crosby’s Concussions – Good week and Crosby has been cleared for contact…oh shit.
6. Jesse Love’s Paymon – Man, the guy you are playing impregnates your sister and then humiliates you in fantasy hockey. Top that off by losing $20 in the most moronic manner I have ever seen and this is one bad week for GM Steve McIntyre. I will reenact how to lose $20, Steve McIntyre style.
Steve: Tell me who you think will win the Stanley Cup this year. I will be you $20 they don’t.
Jesse: I think a team that plays in the NHL will win the Stanley Cup. Ka-Boom.
Well played, Cook.
7. Super Sperm – Pimping Nugent-Hopkins apparently isn’t easy, with all trades being rejected, from absurd to a bargain for the other team (I am looking at you, Clarence Swampton). Maybe it will work out because the learning curve appears pretty steep with the young hockey Jedi, and the NHL gives him credit on goals he didn’t score.
8. Anzoolander – Anze delivered and will be in the Rocket Richard race all year but this team needs more from Jaroslav Halak, who may go down in a long line of first round busts by GM Jesse Cook, arguably the Matt Millen of fantasy hockey.
9. Pistol’s Hellcats – I think we can give the most assists in the league to this team. Unfortunately, that is only one category of many. Goalies may be a problem, with one concussed and one playing like he is over 40 (because he is over 40). Hopefully he learned from last season and knows what to do (hint: sell high on Williams).
10. Clarence Swampton – After this week’s performance, turning Stamkos into prospects might not be such a bad idea after all.
11. Texans – Interesting to see if Schneider can help this team compete in goaltending categories; this team is the fantasy version of Roberto Luongo right now. I still think this team can be a contender and is just having a slow start, but we shall see.
12. Bizarrohawks – I have come to believe that GM Scott Freeland’s fantasy hockey karma is derived from hitting range balls with a brand new driver not yet paid for. That is the only thing I can figure.
13. Flowers in the Cage – GM Cole Ballard asked “should I be in panic mode yet?” To which I respond; perhaps.
14. Not Poodle!!! – At least you have Duncan Keith. Jerk.
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