Power Rankings: Week 2

Anyone else stare at stattracker like it is seductive naked temptress?  Here we go.

1.  Kanucks (previous week: 1):  Team keeps plugging along though there might be some warning signs in net.  As Bryzgalov tires, will his performance deteriorate similar to Crossfit North Vancouver’s profit as the supply curve shifts to the right?  Probably, but I don’t think we are there yet (for both).

2.  Crosby’s Concussions (5) – Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre said that Thomas Vanek was riding Luke Adam’s coattails and that was the reason for his success.  Given last week’s performance, the league has begun to understand why Steve didn’t win GM of the year last year and his championship was a fluke. 

3.  Me So Vyborny (2) – Yes, this team beat the worst team in the league, but still put up decent numbers doing so.  Phil Kessel continues to light it up.  The concern on this team may be Al Montoya, who despite his clear Vezina candidacy, may see more of a time share with Evgeni Nabokov.

4.  Everett Silvertips (3) – Average offense hidden by stellar goaltending.  Hopefully the introduction of Martin Havlat, who seems to be gelling with Couture and Clowe quite nicely in his two games since returning from injury, can spark the offense.

5.  Anzoolander (8) – Big win and an upgrade on defense this week (more on that later).  Starting Brian “The Wall” Elliot is always suspect though.

6.  Pistol’s Hellcats (9) – As usual, tagging right along behind Jesse, his favorite spot.  Let’s see if he can finally rise above his idol mancrush dream lover hero friend.

7.  Texans (11) – Goaltending covered weak offense.  Waiting for this team to warm up, which is kind of scary since they are third overall.

8.  Super Sperm (7) – This team needs Phil Kessel.  Sergei Bobby is not the solution.

9.  Captain Chinese (4) – Holy shit, even before the Andrew Brunette debacle, this team set a near record for lowest points in a week.   Many of you noticed the trade this past week, in which Anzoolander stole an offensive defender in Christian Ehrhoff and dumped Andrew Brunette.  Here is how I envisioned it in GM Bert Fong’s little Japanese mind using the tried and true Bertmetrics:

“If I can get a LW slated to be the 301 best player in the league, and he is playing as though he is the 276^th player, is 38 years old, and he is only eligible for LW, and I have 4 others eligible for that position that are playing better, 2 others on IR that are forecasted to be better, giving me a total of 7 options at LW, and all I have to give up is an elite defender with offensive talent and will probably have more points this season than the LW’s best season of his 16 year career, and my third defender is great, but is also 36 and played 50 games last year, should I take that deal?

In a fucking heart beat.”

When I reached out to Bert to corroborate the thought process, he corrected one thing:

“Heartbeat is one word.”

And guess what, Pronger is now hurt.  Well played Bert.  You suck.

10.  Not Poodle!!! (14) – Stevie Franchise is no longer Stevie Franchise.  Fatty called it.  Duncan Keith is his best player.  That is sad.

11.  Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – The only team in the league that has a keeper playing on the fourth line.

12.  Clarence Swampton (10) – Luongo sucks.  This team sucks.

13.  Bizzarohawks (12) – C’mon god, give this team a break.  Sounds like Max Pacioretty got dinged pretty bad and will be out for some time.

14.  Flowers in The Cage (13) – I can’t say it any better than GM Cole Ballard: “What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole team is this?”

Everyone has paid except Dave Kitchen and Fatty.  Rosters lock November 1 for you two clowns.

Power Rankings: Week 1

Has there ever been a year where the NHL scheduling has been such an impact than it will be this first couple of weeks?  We will have some teams with almost as many games this upcoming week alone as others will have played so far in this fresh young season.  It will be tough to get a good sense of the relative strengths of each team in this league until it evens out.  However, that won’t stop me from trying, and pissing everyone off in the process.

1.  Kanucks (previous week: 1) – This season may forever be remembered as the year of the Loui, as the clear best player in the draft magically didn’t get drafted number 1 and fell right into GM Dave Kitchen’s lap.  I said I liked this team at the draft, but I didn’t know how Dave would fuck it up.  I still don’t.  Having Michael Cammalleri and Evgeni Malkin out for at least this week will hurt, but not as much as one would think as this team relied on strong netminding and contributions from the entire team.  Dave recently went through an identity crisis, changing the team name at one point to “Crossfit Cuntfaces” which Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook accurately observed “is by far the best team name, Kitchen.”  It sounds like Dave offended himself in naming his team, but the name really couldn’t be any more accurate, as noted in the video below.  It may be a cartoon, but go to any CrossFit gym in the world and it will be scary how accurate this video is.

A real, live Cuntface.

2.  Me So Vyborny – Thanks to keeper Phil Kessel, this team touts the top offense in the league.  Four games this week for Kessel will certainly help this team continue its strong start.  What the fuck was Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble thinking trading away Phil Kessel?  What a retarded move.

3.  Everett Silvertips – It is very, very weird to see this team 1) with a winning record before late February, if at all and 2) with the second best goalie tandem in the league.  May get creamed this week with its biggest offensive guns sitting out because of only two games on the schedule, but GM Court Watson is beginning to realize that, so far this season, Drew Doughty on IR is better than Duncan Keith in the starting roster (and go fuck yourself, Fatty).

4.  Captain Chinese – Looked good this first week; but would you really want to brag that Shane Doan and Optimus Reim are carrying your team?  I wouldn’t.

5.  Crosby’s Concussions – Good week and Crosby has been cleared for contact…oh shit.

6.  Jesse Love’s Paymon – Man, the guy you are playing impregnates your sister and then humiliates you in fantasy hockey.  Top that off by losing $20 in the most moronic manner I have ever seen and this is one bad week for GM Steve McIntyre.  I will reenact how to lose $20, Steve McIntyre style.

Steve:  Tell me who you think will win the Stanley Cup this year.  I will be you $20 they don’t.

Jesse:  I think a team that plays in the NHL will win the Stanley Cup.  Ka-Boom.

Well played, Cook.

7.  Super Sperm – Pimping Nugent-Hopkins apparently isn’t easy, with all trades being rejected, from absurd to a bargain for the other team (I am looking at you, Clarence Swampton).  Maybe it will work out because the learning curve appears pretty steep with the young hockey Jedi, and the NHL gives him credit on goals he didn’t score.

8.  Anzoolander – Anze delivered and will be in the Rocket Richard race all year but this team needs more from Jaroslav Halak, who may go down in a long line of first round busts by GM Jesse Cook, arguably the Matt Millen of fantasy hockey.

9.  Pistol’s Hellcats – I think we can give the most assists in the league to this team.  Unfortunately, that is only one category of many.  Goalies may be a problem, with one concussed and one playing like he is over 40 (because he is over 40).  Hopefully he learned from last season and knows what to do (hint: sell high on Williams).

10.  Clarence Swampton – After this week’s performance, turning Stamkos into prospects might not be such a bad idea after all.

11.  Texans – Interesting to see if Schneider can help this team compete in goaltending categories; this team is the fantasy version of Roberto Luongo right now.  I still think this team can be a contender and is just having a slow start, but we shall see.

12.  Bizarrohawks – I have come to believe that GM Scott Freeland’s fantasy hockey karma is derived from hitting range balls with a brand new driver not yet paid for.  That is the only thing I can figure.

13.  Flowers in the Cage – GM Cole Ballard asked “should I be in panic mode yet?”  To which I respond; perhaps.

14.  Not Poodle!!! – At least you have Duncan Keith.  Jerk.

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