Power Rankings: Week 3

With a day spent drinking heavily watching two different Seattle teams lose (what else is new?), I asked a few managers if they would like to contribute to this week’s power rankings.  Fortunately, Camel Toews GM Jesse Cook stepped up, and below are his team breakdowns.  No changes have been made other than a few grammatical and spelling corrections, and editorial comments are clearly marked.  Also, the order of the power rankings are my own, and since stattracker was blank today, I am going on pure guess, which is not much different from any other week.

1.  Captain Chinese (Previous: 2) - Somehow, Bert Fong has the #1 fantasy franchise early on in the 2010/11 campaign. Balanced scoring, two GWG’s from the likes of Big Buff, as well as stellar goaltending from last years’ tandem in Montreal, has other owners scratching their heads wondering “how the hell has this happened?” One reason was his ability to outsmart Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre by swapping Ryan Getzlaf for Jonathan Toews…another reason is he is just plain rucky. (editorial note: How the hell has this happened?)

2.  Malkin in the Middle (5) - Lost a close battle to Sultan HC, but has a team that will contend week in and week out. Cam Ward is back to his old self after taking a year off last season, and is possibly one piece away from being a force. Good thing for Dave he has Crosby, and not Malkin. Malkin is in the middle of various Russian prostitutes (DTD with a lower body injury), but rarely in the middle of any scoring on the ice.

3.  Not Poodle!!! (10) - This team flies under the radar, but has a fantastic balance of offensive talent and veteran goaltending. If Kipper and Turco can find some consistency, Not Poodle!!! should pose a threat week in and week out. Outside of Kipper, the rest of the team mirror’s Not Poodle’s low rating on the funometer. (editorial note:  Can someone please verify if GM Matt Welsh is alive?  He is still outstanding on league entry fees, and his roster is now locked.)

4.  Me So Vyborny (1) - With the #1 goalie in the NHL firmly planted on his bench, it is no wonder this team continues to lose. A word that rhymes with SPADE may be needed in order for this team to stay in the Top 5. Burrows will return this week, but sucks, especially when he will be on the 2^nd line. Sharp and Hossa (out 2-3 weeks) will surely cool down soon. (editorial note:  tough call to bench Miller or Brodeur, but Thomas should either be playing or dealt.  Also, ignore Cook and expect Burrows to be on the first line, Jesse is just bitter that Jeff Tambellini had value for about 0 games.)

5.  Sultan HC (7) - This team is pretty solid, and beat a good Malkin in the Middle squad with a great team effort. If the Caps played in any other division in the NHL, this team would be fucked…lucky for Sultan HC, they don’t.

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (6) - Dreams really do come true, as having Joe Thornton produce 8 points in a week as well as a shut-out from Brent Johnson, allowed JLP to beat an overmatched, but better looking Camel Toews. Now that Mike Green is back, John Carlson is about as needed as the one condom in Steve’s wallet during University.

7.  Texans (8) - This team owner has more horseshoes up his ass than the rest of the league combined. BAD BAD BAD…but, manages to win again and again. Once Chris Stewart starts playing like Chris Stewart, this team will fall back to the middle of the pack.

8.  The Space for Rent $5 (9) - Riding a Budaj and a Bobrovsky  (aka Sergei Bobby!) would be great if they were blonde Swedish sisters, however, they’re actually goalies in the NHL. This spells trouble for a team with a balanced scoring attack, and the hottest player in NHL, as any cool down will result in losses. I can’t believe no one has paid $5 to rent this team’s name…remind me never to go to the bar with any of you cheap bastards----EVER.

9.  Ottawa HC (11) – Duncan Keith, GM Court Watson’s man-crush (who happens to think Court is a massive loser due to being a 30 year-old gamer) had a break-out week, much to the chagrin of Pistol’s Hellcats.  Maybe Court felt bad about beating on Pistol and worried about an Only Child Syndrome (OCS) back-lash, as he gave Pistol an early (yet ugly) Christmas present named Daniel Sedin.  This just proves Court is about as good at trades as Kordyban is at making French fries, or Kordyban’s sister is at saying “no.”

10.  Super Sperm (4) - Unfortunately, Ryan doesn’t have twin Ovechkin’s, as relying on one player to carry the load week in and week out will ultimately lead to…tears. Wahhhhhhh!!!

11.  Bizzarohawks (3) - Were smoked by Texans this past week, as the problems in net are as gaping as Steve’s anus after a Saturday night with Lexington Steele.

12.  Camel Toews (12) - After getting smoked by Jesse Loves Paymon, Jesse is happy to bid farewell to Steve “I was only good as a Rookie” Mason. While having the most moves at the Commodore Ballroom resulted in countless conquests, none of GM Jesse Cook’s league leading 15 moves have resulted in….well…..anything. Look for more moving and shaking (er…gyrating) in the quest to acquire the best looking player in the NHL. Until then, thank your lucky stars if you play this team in the next 1-24 weeks.

13.  Pistol’s Hellcats (14) - Another week, another loss. Pistol Pete was busy fleecing Ottawa HC for Daniel Sedin, and adding his ugly brother, Henrik by way of Camel Toews. In a battle of the bottom feeders, Pistol and Cook will face off this week…too bad this wasn’t survivor and one could be eliminated. (editorial note:  even with both Sedins, would have still lost this week.  To live and die by players on one NHL team never works.)

14.  Kanucks (13) - Jonathan Quick is playing lights out, but cannot possibly keep up this pace the entire season. This spells trouble for a team with only one big-name player, however, the Hall/Eberle connection is starting to take shape, and should help this team out of the league basement 5 years from now. Look for 3-4 moves (i.e. not pirouettes, jumping jacks or weird shit not called weight-lifting) to get this team out of its funk.

Quote of the week

“How is my trade offer made public?  Even if you do find out, are you crossing the line of objectivity by using it in your post?”

Yeah, because this blog has always be so clearly objective.  Nominated for a fucking Peabody it is so objective.

Rejected Trade of the week

Offered:  Antti Niemi

Asking:  Craig Anderson, Semyon Varlamov and Andrei Kostitsyn

and a guarantee of always smelling like wilderness, open air and freedom.

The Trading Block

As the league develops, one helpful tool, besides Bert Fong, is the Trading Block.  The link for the Trading Block can be found on the league home page in the second banner at the top

Within that site, you can designate players, positions and stats that you are willing to deal or looking to gain.  This tool will only be as good as how much we use it, so take a look if you have a few minutes.  As you can, if everyone updates, it should be a useful tool when going out to conduct business (Ottawa HC may want to put the enitre roster on the docket, as they suck Paymon’s dried ball sweat salt off of Jesse’s chin…nice cat).

On a side note, please remember that all rejected trades, if submitted by one of the involved parties, are subject to be made fun of or discussed on this blog.  I don’t have god like powers and cannot see every offer that goes through, so don’t think I do.  Banter and insults are an integral part of this league, along with hookers and blow.  As some league members may remember, this blog was created just for that reason.  If you don’t like it, go fuck yourself.

Power Rankings: Week 2

Through two weeks, I think one thing is pretty clear:  Pistol needs help.

1.  Me So Vyborny (previous: 1) – Put up a monster week in points and the goalies are starting to come around.  This team is well rounded and if it can stay healthy, will be the team to beat all year.

2.  Captain Chinese (3) – This team will live and die with Carey Price’s head, which is rumored to be worse than Ottawa HC GM Court Watson’s head on the golf course.  For now though this team looks sharp.  Is there anything the Chinese aren’t taking over?

3.  Bizzarohawks (7) – Monster week on offense with some pretty stout goaltending.  Needs some more production from Ilya Kovalchuk and Jeff Carter before I put this team at the top.  I refuse to believe Guillaume Latendresse and Joe Pavelski can lead a team to victory.  In anything.

4.  Super Sperm (5) – Solid win this week, though it was against one of the weaker teams in the league.  Gonna need a bit more production from someone other than his defense to stay in the top half of these power rankings, but I would suspect that will happen sooner than later.

5.  Malkin in the Middle (4) – This team is missing a bit of offensive spunk to be an elite team; maybe Jesse can wipe some of Paymon’s off his face and offer it to Dave.  I imagine Dave would politely say no, thank you.

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (2) – I had this team originally at 4, but then I looked at the goalies….one is coming off a unreal year but the Cinderella story for his team may be over, the other is a backup on fire who will eventually just be the backup.  The new addition is old balls.  This team needs something else.

7.  Sultan HC (6) - Not a great performance, but good enough to beat a subpar team.  Had it not been for a big night on the Jersey shore Saturday night, probably would have walked away with a loss.  This team is to dependent on too few NHL teams for my liking, I can’t see this team being consistent enough to make a title run.

8.  Texans (12) – What the hell was I thinking last week?  Pavel Datsyuk, Eric Staal and Zach Parise all on one team?  How the hell did that happen?  Oh wait, then I looked at the goalies.  Yup, makes sense now.

9.  This Space 4 rent $5 (11) – The Sergei Bobby era has begun for this franchise!  I can’t wait to see what happens.  I like this team and Team Canada’s future very much, cause of this guy.

10.  Not Poodle!!! (13) – Here because this team beat Pistol’s Hellcats, which I think as the season progresses, will not be saying much.

11.  Ottawa HC (10) – Injuries are plaguing this team, as are healthy scratches and benchings, and when the second round draft pick contributes one assist, the team is usually in trouble.  And their GM is a shitty drafter with a man crush on Duncan Keith.  This guy is another reason I like Team Canada’s future, though I don’t really like this team’s future.

12.  Camel Toews (8) – Was outscored by the other team’s three best players.  Not a good week for this team.  Pick up watch:  Clarke MacArthur was dropped by GM Jesse Cook and scored a pretty goal last night.  Keep an eye on him as Cook historically has done a horrible job of assessing talent.

13.  Kanucks (14) – Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly (repeat a Googol times)

14.  Pistol’s Hellcats (9) – You lose 13-0, you deserve to be here.

Quote of the week

“If I had $5 I'd change my team name to Jesse Loves Free Agents” – Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre

Rejected Trade of the week

Offered:  Nathan Horton and Devin Setoguchi

Asking:  Steven Stamkos

Alrighty then.

Power Rankings: Week 1

After an extended week, we only really know one thing; this league looks like it will be pretty wide open, and injuries are going to be a vital part of the league’s fate.  Lets take a look at the week 1 power rankings for the new season.  How accurate are these early season power rankings?  Well, last year, week 1 power rankings had the two teams that ended up in the final ranked as 12 and 13, so clearly, they are as exacting as explosive diarrhea. 

1.  Me So Vyborny – This team looks to be the complete package.  The matchup this week was only as close as it was because Ryan Miller and Martin Brodeur had a combined 11 starts and only 2 wins.  Even this team’s backup goalie, Tim Thomas, had a shutout.  Odds are, the wins will come and this team will be a deadly force.  I don’t really see a weakness in this team, oh wait, General Manager Matt Meier sucks at roster management; last week he had a guy in the AHL, this week he has someone he could put on IR taking up a roster spot, and left one starting spot open, which is nice.

2.  Jesse Loves Paymon – With the help of a near line brawl involving two of his players, this team put a good fight up against the #1 ranked team and edged them out.  Still, this team is lacking a bit in net, which may ultimately be its downfall.  Made the stupid mistake of giving up Ryan Getzlaf for Jonathan Toews, thinking leadership mattered on a fantasy team (it doesn’t) and that could put this team over the top (it won’t).  Look for GM Red McIntyre to attempt to make some moves in the near future to get better in net, like pick up Brent Johnson.  Oops, already did.

3.  Captain Chinese – Offense looks good, goaltenders look decent, but ultimately, General Manager Bert Fong will ultimately fuck this up somehow.  Surprisingly, got the upper hand on the first trade of the year, which I think shocked Bert more than anyone else.

4.  Malkin in the Middle – His three highest scorers in the past seven days are all on the same team, and two of them are defenders, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing in this case, as the entire team contributed.  Jimmy Howard continues to justify his first round pick from last year, the big concern here is if Cam Ward can return to his playoff MVP form sooner rather than later.

5.  Super Sperm – The return of Pekka Rinne in net this week should shore up the spotty goaltending.  If all the role players continue to contribute, this team is going to chalk up a lot of wins.  The question is if GM Ryan Schauble will have time to manage his team with a pair of twins pooing all over the place.

6.  Sultan HC – A bit of a slow start for this team I think, but it will be tough for this team to move up any further with such a lack of diversification.  I would think this team might start making a move or two, but general manager Cole Ballard fears change, so that might not happen.

7.  Bizzarohawks – Solid all around offensively, with a lot of players who are multi-position eligible.  With Ilya Kovalchuk moving back to left wing, look for this offense to pick up.  Goaltending is a concern, with the lack of a clear, solid starter on this roster.  One wonders if General Manager Scott Freeland will make a move, or if getting a top goalie may cost  him too much offensively.

8.  Camel Toews – This team’s fortunes may depend on GM Jesse Cook’s ability to pick the right goalie combination week to week, as this roster has some of the most volatile goalies in the league.  Johan Franzen going down will be big hit, but the other general managers will be wondering who this team will drop once Vinny Prospal and Jordan Staal come off IR  By the way, is it just me is Prospal exactly what GM Jesse Cook will look like in 15 years once he gets his hair plugs, teeth bleached and spray tanned?  Everyone who knows Jesse is nodding yes right now.  Except Jesse.

9.  Pistol’s Hellcats – This team relied on a few to carry the many, and it wasn’t enough this week.  I would expect better production from the bulk of this team in the future.  Goaltenders have to be a concern; is Roberto Luongo going to be able to shoulder the load of Stanley Cup expectations?  Will Henrik Lundqvist turn around the slow start?  I would be on the latter occuring, but not to sure about the former; that guy cries under pressure, for pete’s sake.

10.  Ottawa HC – This team of young guns is also a team battling injuries, with 3 of its top players missing time in week 1.  The risks taken in the draft look like they are coming back to bite general manager Court Watson harder than Jesse Cook used to bite him in the forehead when they are little kids, with Marian Gaborik out 2-4 weeks.  The most pleasant surprise may be Kari Lehtonen, who might finally be playing up to his draft pick.  Only time will tell if this team is going to be relying on Sergei Bobby in net, in which case it is screwed.

11.  This Space 4 rent $5- This team is gonna ride Steven Stamkos like Paymon rides Jesse’s face…hard, messy and often.  Needs a little pickup from other players and a blow up by Michael Neuvirth to get Semyon Varlamov firmly back in the starter’s position in Washington to be a contender this year.

12.  Texans – Offense is going to have to step up measurably for this team succeed.  Also, I would be drop dead stunned if the same goalie combo that lead this team to the finals last year is able to do it again.  I mean, floored.  It is Elliot and Tomas Vokoun, for fuck sakes.

13.  Not Poodle!!! – I like very little about this team.

14.  Kanucks – I still like nothing about this team.

Reminder, initial league entry is due by November 1st.  Any team with entry outstanding will have their ability to add, drop and trade frozen.  Team names will be frozen tomorrow after 6 pm pacific time.  Changes to team names subsequent to that will cost $5, which will go towards the overall pot.

A Look at the Draft

We had record attendance at this year’s draft, and with such a big league, it is tough to identify who were the clear winners in this draft. Lets take a look at each team and identify where they are strong, and where they fell short.

Ottawa HC – Arguably the youngest team in the draft, and certainly the one with the greatest risk reward. Will Spezza and Gagner come back to his form from a few years ago? Will Gaborik, Lehtonen and Vanek stay healthy? Will Gustavsson live up to his hype? This team has 8 players with less than 3 years experience in the league and needs a lot to go right to compete, but if it does, this team could be a force.

Malkin in the Middle – A well rounded team with solid goaltending, offense and defense. Lacks depth, but if this team can stay healthy, it could be a force. On the other hand, players like Knuble, Tanguay, and Elias may produce like Knuble, Tanguay, and Elias, in which case this team is fucked.

Sultan HC – 7 of 10 starting on offense play on just two teams. While the majority of those players are strong, it just takes one bad week for those two teams, perhaps maybe the first week of the playoffs, and this team could be in trouble. Very solid goaltending, but overall, this teams lack of diversity means GM Cole Ballard is clearly a racist, sexist, ageist and anti-dentite.

Jesse Love Paymon – Some juggernauts on offense, but the talent quickly falls outside the center eligible players. Goalies will be a source of points for this team throughout the year, as Ellis may see a return to form with a young, talented a much better team in front of him. GM Steve McIntyre is already busy, dealing Getzlaf and a 5th round pick for Toews and a 4th round pick to the idiot, Bert Fong. Well played McIntyre.

Camel Toews – Made some deft moves during the draft and has a very well rounded team. The weak spot is at D, but that isn’t a bad place to be weak. I like the drafting of Franzen late as almost all other Red Wings were drafted too high. Mason should have a bounce back year after a sophmore slump and in a new system, and Downie should be a good source of points and PIMs. Has arguably the most worthless bench in the league though, which may be a source of concern. The rest of the league always keeps on eye on this team as GM Jesse Cook has a knack for dropping players with actual talent.

Kanucks – After Dany Heatley, arguably the most offensive player on this team is a defensemen. This team is horrible. I don’t even like the goalies. No relief on the bench either. Crossfit can’t save this team from being awful.

Bizzarohawks – This team has some great fantasy all stars with a solid supporting cast. Goalie play may be a concern for this team as Nittymaki fights for a starting job. I think this team is going to have weeks of domination mixed with weeks of being ass pummeled. Whether the mix leans in this team’s favor is the question.

Captain Chinese – Dare I say that Bert Fong didn’t eliminate his chances right at the draft. Dare I say he might actually do something this year? Nope, I don’t. Horrible team of mainly supporting cast players which should help him miss the playoffs by 5-20 points this year.

Texans – Last year’s Anze Cup runner up has some heavy hitters, but may be a little lacking at second winger. The love affair with Brian “The Wall” Elliot continues this year, but overall this team’s goalie tandem is as weak as GM Chris Thomas’ wireless internet connection.

Not Poodle!!! – Starting three d-men. Pretty much says all that needs to be said. This team should lead the league in PIMs with Bourque, Lucic, Oshie, and three d-men. Great pick up of Jamie Benn, hopefully GM Matt Welsh actually starts him.

This space 4 rent $5 – With the exception of one concussed player, this team has the potential to keep the dynasty of the Borg in tact. Has one franchise center and many other solid players. This team will hinge on netminders, both of which could have very good or very bad years.

Suck it Watson – Arguably the best wingers group in the league, and the worst centers. A few flyer picks on guys who probably won’t pan out, but this team has to very good young goalies that a fantasy franchise can be built around.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Rookie campaign has GM Pete “Pistol” Shpak going deep in goalies. As for the rest of the roster, is there anyone that any GM looks at and thinks “damn, I wish I had that guy?” Sure, there is some talent, but is there any one who can lead this franchise? We all saw what making Roberto Luongo captain does, not sure if it can work on a fantasy squad. Kudos to the GM for his team picture, arguably the best in fantasy sports.

Me So Vyborny – This team has overachievers (Burrows), underachievers (Leino, Jokinen, and Briere), veteran goaltenders and defensemen and players that might have breakout years (Wheeler and Abdelkader). Wouldn’t be surprising to see this team at the top of the standings if the underachievers come around and GM Matt Meier stops using roster spots for people playing in the AHL (Mathieu Carle).

Team names will be locked Monday, October 11. After that day, it is $5 to change your team name. All balances, trades and transactions are being tracked and can be viewed here. Entry fees are still due from the majority of the league, with entries fees due by November 1st. After that, for any team that entry fees are outstanding that team will be unable to trade, drop or add players until entry fees are paid. Instructions on how to pay are mentioned in a previous post.