Offseason Mail Bag

For a couple months, I have not know what to do with myself.  I spent a lot of time drinking, a lot of time eating, and a lot of time trying to build the tallest structure out of playing cards, ever.

So it is late on a Friday night, the heat is stifling, and I am watching my puppy lose his innocence Last Tango in Paris like with a stuffed version of the Obama dog.  It gives me a little bit of pleasure seeing Winston (Churchill, of course) dumbledorfing  Obama’s dog…almost ironic.

Fantasy hockey wise, I really have nothing to say.  NHL teams have made lots of moves, but lets save the analysis for people whose livelihood is to provide small penis bullshit insightful commentary on the fantasy impact of said moves.

Instead, I think this post will be my first official mailbag.  Stealing yet another idea from the Sport’s Guy.  Aaaaannnnnnd here we go.

Jonah, you are such a loser and have zero friends.  Go fuck yourself – Jesse

You bring up a fantastic point.  True, you love Paymon.  False, you don’t have a full head of hair.  True, you drive a girl car.  False, you don’t have the best hands in Richmond.  It takes a big man to admit all these things.  I am guessing that isn’t your style and you were coerced; Steve must have threatened to tell everyone of that ugly girl that one time…oops.

Look at my numbers, they are the best in the league.  I don’t know how I am not in first – Steve

Funny thing about numbers, they often lie to you when you are a fucking idiot.  Yeah, you started out the first four weeks on top of the numbers game, but by the end of the season, you had dropped to middle of the pack.  Do you realize how much you have to shit the bed to do that?  It is similar to Jean Van De Velde on 18 at Carnoustie, Ron Burgundy on air right after Baxter died, Roberto Luongo in Game 7 (we all know which one)…it is tragic.  So to answer your question, if there was one, it is: yes, I do see how you aren’t in first.

Jonah, can you get sick drinking piss? – Baio

Yup, even if it is your own.

Jonah, I am getting married to an actual woman this year.  Does that cancel out my gay bullseye? – Fatty

No, it looks like a cover.  Stop living in the 1952s and just come out already.

Jonah, I am concerned there is a direct correlation between penis size and fantasy hockey performance.  Thoughts? – Bert

I have thought long and hard (I know you get it) about this.  I don’t think so.  I think you make bad decisions because you are Asian.  Get an Asian involved with math that isn’t pure math and involves words, and they are fucked.  I mean like Nagasaki towards the end of World War II fucked.  Michael Jackson before his comeback tour fucked (too early?).  You get my drift.  Now excuse me while a pour a fresh drink.