Power Rankings: Week 6

Hello all!  I know everyone has eagerly been awaiting the first power rankings of the season.  My humble apologies for being less than diligent; my real job seems to take up more time than explaining anything involving simple math to Steve.

Lets get right to it.  As always, these are personal opinion and the primary goal is to offend you.

1.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Despite having terrible goalies, this team’s offense is most impressive and often carries the team.  Not sure if Ben Scrivens is the answer to anything, but let the good times roll!  Also, a below par goalie and a defenseman are his only two players worth keeping that are below the age of 30, but for now, whoooooooohooooooooooo!

2. ChingChing BingBongs – I think I like this team. I can’t believe I just said that. Hold please, I need to go smash my head against the wall.

3. Super Sperm – Fantastic offense driven by the resurgence of Ovechkin and the sheer dumb luck of drafting Alex Steen in the 12th round (how the fuck does this guy lead the league in goals, it can’t last). Arguably the worst set of goaltenders on the planet after losing Sausage Pasta Pekka Rinne. Luckily, GM Ryan Schauble is running a smooth ship, and of his two players currently not in the NHL, only one is on the active rosters. Oh wait, he just dropped one for Peter Budaj. That solves EVERYTHING. Nice one.

4. Anzoolander – The primary asset of this team broke his leg in 62 places this week, but this team keeps on churning. I think this team could make a very deep run in the playoffs, but lets not forget this team’s history with Brian “The Wall” Elliot; he has found a way to ruin this team almost every year. Being on this team isn’t going to change that. Also, GM Jesse Cook has joined an elite club of douches pretending to like shit that is really old and boring to seem more cultured.

Smiley face?!!?! WTF? How far up your ass is your own dick? Just change your name to Lois Einhorn for the love of god.

5.  Halifax Highlanders – Similar to Pistol’s Hellcats, this team is very strong offensively with some issues in the goaltending department.  Unlike Pistol’s Hellcats, the issues are not that the goalies are old or average; it is that one might go to jail for a very long time, and the other is Steve Mason.  And then of course your backstop is Nabakov, and you traded your first rounder for a guy who has one more goal than I do.  As I write this, I realize these rankings are way off and there are teams at the top of the standings that are absolute anomalies, which leads me to my next team….

6.  Flowers in the Cage – Your smoke and mirrors team of 2013-14 every body!  There isn’t a starting goalie on this team, and half the players are over the age of 40 (rough estimate).  My prediction is this team will be fighting for the last playoff spot at the end of the season.  Write that down.

7.  Milton Icehawks – Is either first or second in all goaltending categories, and top 4 in 7 of 10 offensive categories.  Yet, this team is fighting for a playoff spot, and the injury bug is hitting hard, seeing Quick, Green, Bolland, Gaborik and probably six other players go down by the time next week starts.  Luckily, the players are out extended periods of time, but not on IR, to which GM Court Watson has this to say: “4%3($@)#*@)@)S”  You suck Court.

8.  Bizarrohawks – Everything is just kind of going to shit for this team, and for some reason, GM Scott Freeland is ignoring his team and the injuries occuring.  Don’t ignore us Scott, come back please.

9.  The Blackhawks – Why do I have the funny feeling this team will sneak into the playoffs and upset someone?  When your second highest scorer in the last 30 days is T.J. Oshie, I don’t think you are going to win it all, but this team has solid production from everyone involved.

10.  Kanucks – At least GM Dave Kitchen is trying.  I don’t see how it will work, but I have been wrong before.  Okay, I lied.  I haven’t.

11.  Not Poodle!!! – Refuse to even look at this team after the clusterfuck of an offseason.  Idiot.

12.  Texans – Eventually, taking the first overall in the NHL draft as your first pick every year will pay off.  When your first born is in high school, but still.

13.  Me So Vyborny – Tough to come back from such a brutal team from a couple of years ago, but there is some young talent that could ultimately pay off.  GM Matt Meier going to have to be shrewd in trades and drafting, which, if history is any sort of indication, he is not (hint: stop getting advice from Cole Ballard).

14.  Jesse Loves Paymon – I want to make fun of this team, but I actually feel bad for it.  Nobody on the team is happy, GM Steve McIntyre has mismanaged it into a state of depression.  Case in point:  Sean Monahan’s scoring output no where near matched his Corsi or Fenwick, yet rather than sell high, Monahan is now arguably the worst player on this team, which is saying a lot for a team that started Carter Hutton.  At least he has some players on the older side he acquired as part of his rebuild.  Which should take, oh, 10 years of so at the pace Steve is going.

2013-14 Season Preview

The draft is just a few hours away and already the air is electric, like my personality.  We have had one of the busier off-seasons in league history, primarily because the entire league doesn’t want Milton Icehawks GM Court Watson to win again.  And he licks balls.

Some of the trades this offseason have been good, some have been hilariously bad.  Lets take a look at the teams this year and a prediction of the year to come.

Milton Icehawks – Last year’s roster brings back a very young core of keepers and has four picks in the first two rounds to build out the rest of the team.  The key to success last year was picking up players coming off down years in the draft, but that is going to be harder this year as more GMs appear to finally be paying attention to this league.  GM Court Watson is still a huge dick, so nothing is new there.  On hearing that he licks balls, Court logically replied, “I may lick balls, but at least I don’t hunt dick.”

Prediction:  Given the competitive nature of this league and the general jealousy malice directed toward this specific team and GM, I don’t believe they have a realistic shot at a three peat, and will be on the losing end of a first round playoff route. 

Super Sperm – Co-managed by Sean Stock last year, this team went from horrible to decent under the new management.  Problem is, that management is gone, similar to Pekka Rinne’s shine.  It is always enjoyable seeing what GM Ryan Schauble will do given his blatant biases that only he doesn’t realize he has.  Kudos on his first trade of the season, ditching Jeff Carter for a draft pick.  A draft pick, I might add, that is about two rounds higher than players with similar output to Jeff Carter will go for in this year’s draft.

Prediction:  This team will start strong out of the gates, but with a combination of conservatism and confirmation bias, this team will fizzle come playoff time with a exit in the Anze Cup semifinals.

Bizzarohawks – After a promising season last year, kicked off this season with the following correspondence from GM Scott Freeland:

“How do I see my fucking roster again?”

And before I can respond:

“Never mind I found the fucking button.”

If this is his first correspondence, I cannot tell you how excited I am.  Nobody can entertain with angry rants like Scott can, and they have been absent for too long. 

There was when he made this famous rant, which isn’t even his best.

“I started the season in last place and somehow remained there and despite trades, picking up, and dropping players, it really didn’t seem to matter! I figured the reigning league champion was right there next to me so it’s not all bad. Well, after a few key trades and religiously watching stat tracker like a complete loser last year's champ, Court “Bill Nye” Watson, made his way to the top while I sat in the cellar wondering how my team could suck ass week in and week out.”

I like the effort Scott has put in, I like that it is starting to pay off, and I like he kicked off the season with a stupid fucking trade.  Welcome back Mr. Freeland.

Prediction:  Another year with a big run, and this year it almost pays off.  A loss in the Anze Cup finals leads to a epic Freeland tirade and we all live happily ever after.

Captain Chinese – I had to actually call Yahoo! support when I saw this team finished fourth last year.  I think this team is terrible, and that is already considering this year’s draft, because GM Bert Fong is horrible at this. 

Prediction:  Captain Chinese exits in the first round after somehow backing into the playoffs and continuing to defy logic.

Flowers In The Cage – Finished fifth, and even though GM Cole Ballard is one of the three original GMs, he was flummoxed at the draft process, which hasn’t changed in three years.  Not a great omen for this season.  Hopefully this team competes this year, but I think the current team as is is in the sunset of its career; Cole tends to manage his team like it is a fantasy football team, which means few trades until the last ditch playoff push, and holds on to the juggernauts too long.  Might work in fantasy football, where one trade happens per year and the outcome of the league is pretty much set at the draft because it is stupid (my team sucks and I am bitter, FYI), but it doesn’t work here.

Prediction:  Flowers In The Cage is golfing come late March.

Kanucks – Congratulations to GM Dave Kitchen on have a healthy baby girl this month, this league will be that much harder with two kids I am told.  I would make jokes about Dave and doubling his odds of being a grandpa in the next 14 years, but he has more estrogen in him than a serial killer and gets easily offended and fails to understand where the joke is directed, so I won’t.  This team benefited mightily from the great sell-off of 2013 by Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre, and has a roster full of young talent that, with a couple of good draft picks, could almost make up for the fact that this team has no goalies, even though goalies account for 35% of all points.

Prediction:  Kanucks take the President’s Trophy, make it to the Anze Cup semifinals, and lose convincingly.

Not Poodle!!! – Matt Welsh made arguably the worst trade I have ever seen in my life this offseason.  He traded two draft picks for old balls and mediocre balls.  Then he tried to drop one of the people he traded for, after the deadline.  I think we already have our Eugene Adams award winner.  Well done.

Prediction: Has this team ever made the playoffs before?  Seems like nobody would even notice.  This year, they finish first last.

Anzoolander – GM Jesse Cook is desperate to win at something, anything, as he thinks it might no longer be cool to talk Burnett possible (it stopped being cool 2 years after he graduated).  Made a deadly move in acquiring Steven Stamkos, but gave up some talent to do so.  However, in giving up talent, he diversified his team among more real NHL teams, which is rule #42.a in Court Watson’s guide to dominate fantasy hockey (kept under lock and key at all times, except when Court is taking a shit, then it is being read).  The draft will be key for this team, as they desperately need a goalie that isn’t awful or on an awful team.  Right now this team has one goalie who is both awful and on an awful team.   Luckily, Jesse is a realtor, and like his days as a model, so far it is pro bono and he has tons of free time, so he will be focused on this league six hours a day.

Prediction:  This is the year.  He might sell his entire team in the future, but Cook gets the goalie he needs to allow him to lift the Anze Cup.

Texans – Another year, another first overall pick.  What a Jew GM Chris Thomas is.    Lets see if he screws it up and drafts Mackinnon.  This team has keepers whose names everyone recognizes, but I can’t see wanting any of them.  I can’t explain it, I like each player, but for some reason fantasy wise they just aren’t as valuable.

Prediction – Somehow this team makes the playoffs and gets the first overall pick, despite that being technically impossible.

Halifax Highlanders – Love the new team name, and like the team.  I think a good draft can push this team into the upper echelons of the league and be a force to reckon with.  This team even has a spoke person who did a rant on how the Halifax Highlanders are going to lay the beat down on all teams in the league based out of Vancouver (in weather metaphors, naturally)

You don’t even need to try really to see the real intent.

Prediction – A promising season is cut short in the first round of the playoffs.  Sad face.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Rumor is GM Pete Shpak is going to draft only goalies and force others to trade.  That has been Chicago Blackhawks strategy since they joined the league.  Has worked out well for them.

Prediction - If Pete is that dumb, which I don’t think he is, then this team misses the playoffs.  If Pete is smart, this team could make a run for the Cup.  I go with the former.

Jesse Loves Paymon – When someone hands you a gift, despite every attempt to fuck it up, it is pretty hard to fuck it up.  GM Steve McIntyre laughed hysterically at Not Poodle!!! after robbing them, and laughed even more at Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook going ape shit, dumbfounded by the trade even existing.  I admit, I chuckled a bit at that too.

Prediction – Playoffs.  Just Kidding.

Chicago Blackhawks – Like a public university, this team is taking on lessor talent because they of their racial profile.   While I applaud dealing Stamkos finally in hopes of getting better, I would have expected several additional picks in the upcoming draft to turn one player into two or three, instead of turning two players into two players who, combined, will have relatively the same output.

Prediction:  There is no affirmative action in this league and therefore you will not advance based on the color of your team.  Maybe Tiger Woods will give this team some lessons.

Me So Vyborny – The worst team by record, and second worst by management (JLP takes first worst there).  Going to need a couple drafts to make an impact, and to not listen to Cole anymore.

Prediction – Will be solely focused on real hockey come the end of our regular season.

Good luck tonight gentlemen.  Test your systems to make sure they work now.

Everyday, we are that much closer

Emails from this morning:

I don’t know about you, but I am pretty excited for this upcoming season.  Everyone seems to be putting a bit more effort into it this year, and, whether misguided and retarded or not, it is still great to see.

We had our third trade of the offseason today, and man, was it a doozy.  Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre could only give this look after it was approved (he knew it was wrong, but it felt so right):

In summary, Not Poodle!!! GM gave up his 1st and 2nd round this year for Marian Hossa and Milan Lucic.  Now, I am a firm believer that people in this league overvalue draft picks, because the first round is actually the 7th round, but in this case, you can clearly see what happened.  Hossa is getting up their in years, and doesn’t have long term keeper prospects.  Marian Gaborik and Marian Hossa are interchangeable in my mind, and since Fatty already had Gaborik, the upgrade here just doesn’t exist.  Then there is Lucic.  The guy has peaked as a second tier player, nothing more.  He would probably have been available in the third round.   Fatty will have to get rid of a better player to keep Lucic.  So, he gave up a pick higher than what he would have and got rid of a better player.  When you add it all up, it only equals one thing.  Trade rape.

Kudos for Steve for getting away with it.  Jesse Cook of Anzoolander observed that Fatty probably made the concessions above in return for Steve blowing it all over Fatty’s face after a good sodomy session.  The transactions and trading workbook has been updated to reflect the trade.

After the feedback from everyone, looks like the date of the draft will be 9/30 at 8 pm.  Everyone may want to participate and set rosters, because the season for us might start the next day (it might start the next week, I don’t know for sure, so just be safe).

The amount everyone owes can be found here.  Get payments in to puckyourself @ live dot com via Paypal, before roster control gets shut off.  It is sad that sometimes that happens and people don’t even notice.

JM.

The Future is Now!

Welcome to the 2013-2014 season of Puck Yourself.

Think about when the movie came out…was ahead of its time.

We will be activating the league shortly, and I don’t know about you, but I am excited to get things under way.  The draft order has been revised for trades from the prior year, and you can see the full landscape on the Trades and Transactions tab on the blog.  PLEASE CHECK THE REVISED DRAFT TO ENSURE THAT THE PICKS SWAPPED ARE CONSISTENT WITH THE TRADES IN THE SEASON.  If they end up being wrong and you said nothing, that is your own fault.

In the commissioner deliberations over the last few weeks, the commissioners have decided to increase the league dues for this season.  Annual league fees are now $40, with a transaction fee of $0.50.  This change is a result of the increase in the price of fuel and the new healthcare law passed in the United States.  If you decide this is too rich for your blood and want to release your franchise in the greatest fantasy hockey league in the history of man, please let me know so we can transition your team to a new owner.  Once confirmed, I will let you know the amount owed for the current year (which will include any credit or debit you had carry over from last year).

I will provide an email for all managers in the league so that you may reach out to each other for any trades you wish to pursue.  You can take a look at the league rosters from the prior year by going to our league home site on yahoo, switching to prior season and selecting “Rosters”.  Trades will be allowed up to one week before the draft, at which time keepers are due for draft setup.  I will be sending out some times proposed for the draft, so be on the lookout for that as well.

Start preparing, the future is now.  God speed.

JM.

Awards and The Draft Lottery

Hello all, hope your summer so far has bee….actually, I don’t care.

Lets talk about the offseason hardware general managers have taken home

Jack Adams – Another year of GM Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips being overwhelmingly viewed as the best GM by his peers, taking 85% of the vote.  In accepting the award, Court was stunned to find out he had peers.

Eugene Adams – From the Anze Cup champion to arguably the worst team in the league and trading away his best players, GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon is a disaster, taking home 71% of the voting as the worst GM.  Keep it up, the league loves the donation

Andy Kordyban – As long as you have been to www.jessedeancook.com, the winner of this award, for the third consecutive year with 71% of the vote, needs no explanation.  Well done.

The draft lottery was completed today, and there was a stunning turn of events.  Despite having just a 5% chance of landing the first pick, the Texans were the lucky team.  The draft order, prior to adjustments from trades, is as follows each round.

Pick	Team
1	Texans
2	Me So Vyborny
3	Jesse Loves Paymon
4	Dr. Hook
5	Crosby's Concussions
6	Pistol's Hellcats
7	Not Poodle
8	Kanucks
9	Anzoolander
10	Captain Chinese
11	Bizarrohawks
12	Flowers In The Cage
13	Super Sperm
14	Everett Silvetips

‘But wait!’ you say, who was the witness?  Well folks, that is the beauty of technology.  I present to you the full draft lottery recorded in real time.  Seven minutes and twenty nine seconds of fascinating stuff (it gets super boring after sixteen seconds).

Great stuff, huh?  Trades and impact on draft picks can be seen on the trades and transactions tab of this blog (select the 2012-2013 trades tab of the Excel workbook embedded on that page, or just download it into Excel).  Hopefully people start making some trades as we get closer to the season start (32 days!).  Once Yahoo! opens up the new league registration, we will nail down a draft time.  As a reminder, all trades must go through commissioner approval.  We have had two off season trades so far as teams rebuild, here is to hoping there is a lot more.

A Message From Our Champion (Finally)

Here it is, one of my personal favorites, the Champion’s letter.  We have had some great ones in the past, lets hope this one can live up to that standard.  It probably won’t, but without further adieu, here is repeating champion, GM Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips:

Do you smell that?  Drink it in.  That is the smell of crisp air.

One day all of you might get to the top like I have, where the air is crisp.

32 minutes.  That is the total amount of NHL hockey I watched this year (complete guess).  I purposely try to watch very little.  Why?  Because if you watch to much, you pick favorites, you get emotional, you suck at fantasy hockey.  Take Steve, he watches a ton, because he sits on his couch a lot, thinks he knows everything about hockey, and has tanked his team (with 8-10 keepers he says!).

So here I am, with the Anze Cup at its rightful home for one more year.  I know all of you see it when I check-in, and it annoys all of you.  And that makes me enjoy drinking out of it that much more.

I am not going to do what this complete asshole does:

Seriously?

No, I am not going to thank people for something I had absolutely nothing to do with, that is just moronic, and stupid. 

This win was all me.  Nobody else.  I did it.  It feels great.  Fuck this era of it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, it is how you play the game.  You know who said that?  A loser.  Winners and losers are 100% self determined, and only winners are willing to admit it.

Kudos to one person, that guy whose name I forgot who saved Super Sperm from Ryan “the Titanic” Schauble.  Well done.  Finally, a worthy adversary.

And for Ryan Schauble and Super Sperm, I have a knock knock joke as my final words (I am assuming you are smart enough to fill in the blanks, I know, very large assumption on my part);

Knock, Knock?

Second Place.

Exactly.

And that is it for this season.  Be on the look out for a post soon on offseason trading, the future draft lottery and all that good stuff.

Not a New Champion

And that is the season folks, with the Everett Silvertips taking home their second in a row Anze Cup, after taking home their second in a row President’s Trophy.  I hope everyone appreciates the dynasty happening before our eyes.  This team made some tough decisions this year, and has even tougher decisions in the future.  But, good teams make tough decisions well, and bad teams are run by Matt Meier.

Big ups to Sean Stock for leading Super Sperm to the finals; impressive for a first year manager and great proof for future managers that may acquire an existing team that great skill can turn around the worst of teams.

There will be some sort of drunk fest over the break to discuss potential changes for the upcoming season and the next season’s draft.  Most likely, inflation will kick in, fees will go up, and that is about it.

Now on to one of my favorite parts of this blog; year end awards.  Let’s take a look at the finalists for each award.  Please take a moment to vote on each in the sidebar over on the right.

Jack Adams – awarded to the best general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Court Watson, Everett Silvertips – Back to back President’s Trophies, Back to Back Anze Cups.  Pretty much not more to say.  Made a bold move dealing Ilya Kovalchuk at the start of the year but it didn’t seem to hurt the team, all while giving this team another early pick in the draft.  Keepers on the team are pretty young, and this team could be a force for a while.

Sean Stock, Super Sperm – Led this team from near death in to the Anze Cup finals this year.  Hats off to a great first year effort, identifying the right talent to get this team from the disaster whatever-his-name managed it to to make this team a serious contender.

Scott Freeland, Bizarrohawks – How many of you know that this team has been in the semifinals in back to back years?  Like a ninja, Scott quietly does thoughtful analysis and puts his team in a position to win.  Like Flowers In the Cage, I root for this team because the GM has passion for this league.  Some of you jack fucks could take notes.

Eugene Adams – awarded to the worst general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Steve McIntyre, Jesse Loves Paymon – Started the year by exclaiming he had a championship team.  Then finished second last.  The exclaimed that he had more keepers than the league allowed.  WTF?  Audacity of hope?  More like audacity of nope.

Matt Meier, Me So Vyborny – Last by a mile and too hesitant to make any moves that would shake up his roster.  Basically, if this team ever wants to get better, Matt needs to completely ignore his gut feeling. 

Mike Gaunt, Dr. Hook – Believes that holding on to Stamkos and Luongo can make this team great, only problem is they have already peaked and this team is still awful.  Good luck on this one.

Andy Kordyban – awarded to the biggest clown/idiot/douche/joker/homo/jew/circus act of the league.

Steve McIntyre – see above.  Had to be joking, but in all seriousness, wasn’t.

Jesse Cook – As always, an active participant, instilling passion in the league trying to become the best, all the while making others laugh at him, not with him.  Remember when he dropped Derek Stepan for Paul Bissonnette?  One lead the New York Rangers in points, the other was a pylon for the Phoenix Coyotes. 

Ryan Schauble – pretended he had any control whatsoever in this league and everyone played along and then talked about how little control he had when he wasn’t there.  Good times.

Voting is open for the next week or so, and coming up: a eulogy for Super Sperm and a message from the Anze Cup Champion, the Everett Silvertips.

Captain Chinese Eulogy: Who’s Raffing Now?

Here is Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook and his eulogy for Captain Chinese.

This was Captain Chinese GM Bert Fong having a gay old time as the last minute of Overtime in the LA/Dallas game took place.

The Fantasy Hockey Gods would not allow a team with so little talent that was so poorly mismanaged to make the Anze Cup Final, and they allowed Jeff Carter to tip in a Mike Richards pass.  Boom.  Roasted.  Season.  Over.

There are some very bad players on this team, but to Captain Chinese’s credit, his goaltending was fairly consistent.  Optimus Reim was a pleasant surprise, and as Carey Price was starting to stink as bad as Steve McIntyre’s dance moves, Brian “The Wall” Elliot was, well, “The Wall.”  The #1 ranked player in the past 14 days, and #4 ranked in the past 30 days, “The Wall” once again showed why he is the single greatest goalie of all-time.  With the spot light on “The Wall” Captain Chinese actually had a chance.

It will be interesting to see what Captain Chinese does in the off-season besides adopting dogs at the SPCA only to eventually eat them.  As it relates to Fantasy Hockey, outside of “The Wall,” Captain Chinese has no keepers.  Maybe Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre can trade Bert one of his 7-8 keepers (this was an email Steve sent that made me simultaneously puke, cry, laugh, piss and shit myself).

While 3-4 teams should be forced to fold as they are an embarrassment to the league itself, somehow Captain Chinese and “The Wall” will soldier on.  Bert will leave us scratching our heads with the rationale behind his trade technique, waiver wire moves and limited math skills that will have us question…is he really Chinese?  There are a few of us who have showered with him after beer league hockey, and we can verify that yes, he willy is Chinese.

See you next season, Captain Chinese, your Fantasy Hockey season is over!

Remembering the Bizarrohawks

In what is hopefully a new tradition, today’s featured post is a eulogy of sorts for a team recently eliminated from the Anze Cup finals.  The eulogy is written by Dave Dugan, GM of Crosby’s Concussions and a close friend and confidant of Bizarrohawks GM Scott Freeland.  And now, I present Dave. 

Surprise!!!  Another year and another non-championship team in Cleveland.  Did anyone really think a team in Cleveland could win anything that is sports related? The Bizarrohawks looked like an early season favorite, but thanks to the managing skills of Scott “Ninja “Freeland they limped into the playoffs losing 4 of the last 5 weeks with a record of 23 – 42.

For those of you who do not know, my involvement in this league is because of Scott.  I remember years ago before my first draft, Scott making me sit on his lap (I was uncomfortable and he was hard) and giving me some sage advice “goaltending is the most important thing in this league”.  Too bad he didn’t take his own advice; his goalie stats were some of the worst in the league and last week he lost by 6 points, 4 of which were Goalie Stats.  Who would have though Jacob Markstrom would let the team down?

Much like their GM the Bizarrohawks are a blah team that is there 1 minute and just absolutely gone the next.  Literally, you turn around and they’re gone, and you’re left walking home from the bar only to see them reappear in a courtyard making out with a 50 year old.  It would be just like this team is drunk walking around Old Vegas and next thing you know they’re not there anymore, only to reappear at a craps table in an All-Asian casino surrounded by a gaggle of Bert Fongs cheering on “white boy #1” and his legendary heater.

This eulogy as the ultimate tribute to Ninja Freeland will just……..

Well said.

Welcome to the Anze Cup Finals

This is what everyone worked for, but only two teams have a chance of obtaining.

I can only imagine that for both, the emotions are similar to this:

There is no better sport for commercials about the playoffs. None.

Fuck, are NHL playoff commercials the best or what?

Don’t know if anyone was watching, but with 42 seconds left in the last game of the week, Super Sperm needed either a GWG that was also a PPG or the team’s +/- to increase by 2, or else they were out.  And sure enough, Mike Richards to Jeff Carter at even strengh in overtime provided that boost, and into the finals Super Sperm goes.  Lets take a look at the final matchup

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 5. Super Sperm

Between these two teams you have the last three President’s Trophy winners and the top overall scoring team versus the top goal scoring team in the league this season.  In what looks to be a shoot out, this matchup will come down to three key facets:

1. Goaltending – Both teams have struggled to show consistent goaltending, though as of late the Everett Silvertips have consistently been one of the best teams in the league.  GM Ryan Schauble, in what can only be another demonstration of his GM prowess (or lack thereof), failed to make any significant moves to improve his goaltending before the trade deadline, and it almost cost him in the semifinals.  Their numbers last week were embarrassing.

2.  Power play points – Although Everett Silvertips outscored Super Sperm 353 to 328 in total points, the ‘Tips lack in points with the man advantage.  28.3% of the ‘Tips points came on with the man advantage, while Super Sperm saw 37.2%.  In a tight matchup, those two extra scoring categories could be the difference maker.

3.  Terrorists – Those two fucktards in Boston almost cost the Everett Silvertips this past week as a result of the Bruins’ games being postponed, but that could end up being a benefit this week, as the Bruins extend their season one extra day.  That could be one extra goalie start, and the ‘Tips have 34 offensive starts to Super Sperm’s 31 in the final week.

In the end, I am going to make a John Madden like prediction and say that the team that scores the most points usually wins.  Given the hot streak of Super Sperm as of late, I think they are going to take the Anze Cup for the first time.  Super Sperm over Everett Silvertips, 8-5-3.

Some thoughts:

1.  Jesse Cook has changed jobs and become a Real Estate Agent.  This will probably mean an increased focus on fantasy hockey, now that he has the same amount of free time as a teacher, or Pete Shpak, which is to say that it is a lot.

2.  Speaking of which, with all that free time, why is Pete Shpak so bad at fantasy hockey?

3.  If Super Sperm wins, GM Ryan Schauble should probably award Adam Oates the MVP trophy.

4.  Pekka Rinne looked like sausage pasta this past week. 

5.  Brian Elliot, aka “The Wall” finally hit one of his own.  Thank god.  If Bert won, I would flip the table and exit the room.  Bert was 42 seconds from the Anze Cup finals, and if that had happened, it would have been all but a lock.

6.  Cole Ballard, in the true spirit of anyone who has just been eliminated from the playoffs, went golfing this week in Phoenix.  Lucky.

7.  It will be interesting to see if the shitty teams stay silent during the offseason trade period; in speaking with a lot of the GMs, they have this notion they can rebuild using the draft.  This must be based on the fact that in theory that 1) the best 84 players are already held by the teams in the league and 2) their past track record indicates great drafting.  Yeah, that is why they suck.

8.  I do know there will be some absolute gems in the draft next season, but I think the teams at the bottom won’t know who they are.

9.  Remember when GM Steve McIntyre said he had a really good team at the start of the year.  About that….

10.  I need nominees for the Andy Kordyban, Jack Adams and Eugene Adams awards this year.  Please leave any potential nominees in the comments below.  Again, I stress nominees, not winners.  One year, I posted nominees for the Jack Adams, and Steve McIntyre flipped shit over one of the nominees like they were the winner.  I guess that makes sense, when your entire life you only walk accidentally ass backwards into any victory in your life, and don’t understand what winning actually is.

11.  The Masters.  If only it was every week.

12.  The four teams in the semifinals all had weak goaltending, which may indicate that goaltending doesn’t matter, but when you look closer, 3 of the 4 had winning records in almost all goaltending categories throughout the season.  Goaltending matters.  Significantly.

13.  Of course, that means GM Steve McIntyre recently pondered aloud if he would be keeping any of his goalies.

14.  To which, GM Court Watson pondered aloud if there is any player on Steve’s team who is worth keeping at all.

15.  I just found out the NBA playoffs have already started.  What a bad sport.  So boring.

16.  Rumor has it a jersey was delivered to Matt Duchene this past week.  That jersey was a Gabriel Landeskog jersey, and was at the request of Court Watson.  One can only guess what it might come back saying.

17.  Court hopes that it comes back this week, for some good ju-ju.

18.  I wish I still received drunken voicemails about the league.  Like this one:

19.  I debated making a coffee table book of the best of this blog, but then I realized it could never top Cosmo Kramer’s book.

20.  In all seriousness, it is amazing that Sean Stock has been able to repair the damage done by Ryan Schauble and take Super Sperm to the finals.

New Season Starts Now

Happy playoffs everyone!  What an exciting week, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Game, the Masters, and our playoffs.  I couldn’t be more excited.  Man, there were some shitty teams this year, but they are no longer involved, and good riddance.  The bulk of those teams will probably be golfing this time next year as well.  Here are my usually highly accurate to the point they are almost Nostradamus like predictions for the quarterfinals.

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Not Poodle!!!

After missing the playoffs last year, Not Poodle takes on the back to back President’s Trophy winner.  A big week got Not Poodle into the playoffs,  but keeping a concussed Patrice Bergeron in the starting lineup puts this team at a disadvantage.  The Everett Silvertips first in points but with suspect goaltending and battling injuries to key players.  The curse of the President’s Trophy may rear its ugly head this week, and an eight seed will move on.

Prediction:  Not Poodle squeaks out a win, 8-6-2.

2. Captain Chinese vs. 7. Anzoolander

Two words:  The Wall.  This matchup was over before it started.  I would be absolutely shocked if Brian Elliot lets in a single goal, and expect him to lead Captain Chinese in wins, shutouts, game winning goals, power play goals, etc.

Prediction:  Brian Elliot is nominated for the role of God, Captain Chinese wins 10-4-2.

3.  Flowers in the Cage vs. 6.  Bizzarohawks

Bizzarohawks started the season off on fire, but has cooled down substantially.  But, they are playing the team of misfit goalies;  For some reason, GM Cole Ballard dropped arguably his best goalie with a season record of 14-1.   Arguably the dumbest move of the year, I hope David Legwand is the missing link you hope he is (he isn’t).

Prediction:  Craig Anderson is still rusty, and Bizzarohawks move on to next week when Kovalchuk returns to action, winning 9-5-2.

4.  Kanucks vs. 5.  Super Sperm

I am already laughing at the shit-kicking this is going to be.   Fuck is this going to be funny.  Hottest team in the league looks like they aren’t slowing down, and the Kanucks suck.

Prediction:  Super Sperm wins 14-0-2.

Two thoughts:

1.  GM Steve McIntyre says he likes where his team is going into next year.  First person I have met who openly admits to liking being horrible and finishing last every year.

2.  To the rest of you, you embarrass me.  Yuck.

Power Rankings: Week 22

We are in the final week of the regular season, and for some of you, it couldn’t end sooner.  You suck.  Your team was perfectly depicted in Kevin Ware’s leg exploding on Sunday (I actually couldn’t watch that video).  Actually, maybe your team is worse.

1. Kanucks (2)

2. Super Sperm (3)

3. Bizzarohawks (1)

4. Captain Chinese (8)

5. Anzoolander (7)

6. Everett Silvertips (4)

7. Not Poodle!!! (10)

8. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

9. Texans (9)

10. Flower’s In the Cage (5)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)

14. Me So Vyborny (14)

Some thoughts:

1.  Only one team has secured a playoff spot, which is the lowest total we have ever had in the final week.  The difference between 4th and 9th is 10 points, or five wins.  I love watching the playoff picture change everyday.

2.  Normally, teams all the way in the cellar are still in it, but teams 11 through 14 (you know who you are) have brought in a particularly pungent level of stank into this season.

3.  Like redhead muff stank.

4.  Crosby took a puck to the face on Saturday, effectively ending Crosby’s Concussions season.  Maybe change the name to not describe an injury to the only player on your team that should be in the NHL, you know, for karma’s sake?

5.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon is pissed this guy isn’t on waivers yet:

6.  Steve was also recently spotted in Columbus cheering on his awful new goalie:

7.  Fuck is Steve bad at fantasy hockey.  Bad.  Bad.  Bad.

8.  This year, the Everett Silvertips are all but a lock to win the President’s Trophy.  GM Court Watson is not happy about this.  Court is weary of the curse of winning the President’s Trophy and how no team who has won goes on to win the Anze Cup.

9.  Except the Everett Silvertips last year.  Court is feeling a bit better now.

10.  Seriously, prior to last year, the last time the President’s Trophy winner took home the Anze Cup was 2005.

11.  Amazingly, that was the Rat Portage Thistles, managed by none other than Court Watson

12.  The lowest seed to ever win?  The eighth seeded Amish Rake Fighters in 2009, winning in a tiebreaker over the Texans.

13.  True story that has nothing to do with fantasy hockey.  In 1998, Anzoolander’s GM Jesse Cook’s sister found a wallet in the water in Deep Cove.  That wallet had an ID in it that gave Jesse the power to walk into places like the Wild Coyote and Fraser Arms (classy, I know) as a 19 year old.  Once 1999 came around and it was no longer needed, that ID was passed on to Court, who then used that ID to get into places in San Antonio, Texas like Midnight Rodeo as a 21 year old until 2001.  The person on that ID?  Phineas Page.  Jump to 2013, and who does Pistol Hellcats GM Pete Skpak end up going to a bachelor party in Aspen with?  Phineas Page.  Coincidence?  Yes.  Fantasy Hockey implications?  Absolutely.

14.  If you haven’t heard about it, Ryan Schauble runs a majors golf pool that is pretty fun.  WTF else are you going to do once you are out of the playoffs for this league?  Watch baseball?  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

15.  If none of those interest you, I recommend www.kateuptondancing.com; hours of enjoyment.

16.  After moving Marian Hossa out of IR into a roster spot prematurely, instead of moving Cam Ward into the IR spot, JLP dropped Viktor Stalberg.

17.  Stalberg is ranked higher than 9 of 16 players on offense for JLP.  Seriously, it just keeps getting better for this team.

18.  Goaltenders will play a huge part of the fantasy playoffs; there has been a lot of disruption from historical norms in goaltender stats; I don’t think anyone is very comfortable with how steady their current goaltending tandem is come next week.

19.  For instance, the second best goalie in the last 30 days is a backup on Pittsburgh and will be on the bench going forward, and the best goalie on the team sitting atop this league’s standings is now in the minors.

20.  Seriously, this list is hilarious; Devan Dubynk and Evgeni Nabakov are top ten goalies going in the playoffs.

21.  Pekka Rinne eeks in at 23, and Jon Quick isn’t even on the first page.  Halak and Elliot are both terrible.  Madness.

22.  With what happened last night in Minnesota, Brian Elliot may determine the winner of the Anze Cup.  I have a gut feeling about this, and I am usually right.  We are in for a perfect storm.

23.  Fuck me, I think Captain Chinese is now my pick to win the Anze Cup.  Unfucking berievabre.

24.  A lot of teams have goalies as keepers that are getting on in years.  I imagine they will continue to keep them until they die, rather than trade them for prospects.  I call this the Calgary Flame syndrome.  Not really similar to how the Calgary Flames operate, other than shitty team management.

25.  There is a potential for the NHL trade deadline to have some major impact on fantasy hockey teams.

26.  Like last year, it probably won’t.  The trade deadline is often overhyped, and under delivers.

27.  Flowers in the Cage had less total points last week than his opponent had assists.  He started Justin Peters thinking he was Pete Peters.  The team is imploding at the wrong time.  Craig Anderson really needs to come back.

28.  I still believe Cole, I still believe.

29.  The fact I just said CRAIG ANDERSON needs to come back makes me believe just a little less.

30.   Apologies for the week effort, studying is killing my creative spirit.

Power Rankings: Week 19

Happy trade deadline day everyone! We had some fast and furious action by some teams in the last few days which added some excitement to the league. Unfortunately, almost nobody in the playoffs did anything of substance, which means they are hoping their current team is enough. It isn’t. Lets take a look at this week’s rankings.

1. Bizzarohawks (1)

2. Kanucks (3)

3. Super Sperm (9)  

4. Everett Silvertips (4)

5. Flower’s In the Cage (2)

6. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

7. Anzoolander (5)

8. Captain Chinese (7)

9. Texans (8)

10. Not Poodle!!! (10)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (14)

14. Me So Vyborny (13)

Some thoughts:

1.  Super sperm is peaking too early.  And their GM, Ryan Schauble, is too bad to realize this.

2.  After having a couple flights in coach (shudder), I am back in first class.  And drunk.  Life is grand.

3.  After being labeled as the worst GM ever, Jesse Love Paymon’s GM Steve McIntyre traded awesome, long term talent for a guy with a concussion and a guy who can’t play more than 10 games without something breaking and a guy who sucks as a goalie on a shitty team.  It isn’t irony, it is just further evidence.

4.  Said GM Jesse Cook of the Bizzarohawks of the recent moves by JLP. “They should be required to change their name, as neither myself or Paymon should be associated with that train wreck of a team.”

5.  I chuckled when I heard that.

6.  Sean Stock is co-GMing Super Sperm.  So far, I have heard nothing from him.  I can only imagine it is because he is panicking after getting his cock stuck in Schauble’s ear.

7.  Just kidding Sean Stock, I love you.  No I don’t, go fuck yourself.  Steve says you suck as a commissioner.

8.  His words, not mine.

9.  Both Anzoolander and Captain Chinese are suffering from goaltender malaise in St. Louis.  This is actually a big deal for both, because both have a pretty decent team (except for Captain Chinese) and the lack of two quality goaltenders may hurt their chances at making the playoffs.  I expect one of the two to come back and be a stud during the playoffs, but in the meantime, to ensure they actually made the playoffs and had a shot at the Anze Cup (moment of silence, holy angels sound), they should have shored up that position in the short term.   Both were offered Jake Allen, and both passed.  Jake Allen just got a shutout.  Somewhere, GM Court Watson is chuckling.

10.  Still chuckling.

11.  GM Cole Ballard made a move that just boggles me.  I am too lazy to look up his spelling, so I will just go by my nickname for him, but Paved Vag, the goalie for the Atlanta Thrashers, is just awful.

12.  The fact it took so long for GM Matt Meier to even agree to that trade shows why he is last.

13.  This might not be the year for Flowers of the Cage, just like every year.  Then again, it might be.  I am rooting for this team.

14.  Kanucks absolutely trade raped Jesse Loves Paymon.  I could not be more bullish on this team.  The trade rape is even better because GM Dave Kitchen is a crossfit trainer, so you know he is gay, which means he enjoyed raping his brother in law on multiple levels.

15.  See my advanced breakdown of the trade here:

16.  Chris Kunitz is either right behind Steven Stamkos or tied with him for most goals scored.  Kids, this is a perfect example of not selling high and trading him to preserve your team long term.  Take note.

17.  In all seriousness, for fucks sakes Dr. Hook, do something to be a fantasy team with more than two players.

18.  It is amazing the number of people who would rather have a first round draft pick, which is technically the seventh round, versus guarantee a top 3 player on their team.

19.  No wonder one team has four championships.

20.  Remember that time when Bizzarohawks Scott Freeland ripped into me for making fun of him trading Brian Elliot, and then Elliot almost won the Vezina the next year?

21.  Good times.

22.  The first side bet of the league was made a few weeks ago; where Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson and Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble put 20 down on who would have more points by season end (barring injury); Jeff Carter or Brad Boyes.  This stems from a trade offer, where Brad Boyes and a 4th rounder was offered for Carter and a 6th rounder, because lets be serious, neither is a keeper, unless you are Schauble and are really bad at fantasy hockey.

23.  Spoke to a couple of GMs who didn’t want to be named.  They said the two teams they are most scared of are Super Sperm and the Everett Silvertips.  Super Sperm because there is a chance that being clueless could pay off, Everett Silvertips because of  the depth and shrewdness of the GM.  All GMs laughed for an extended period of time when asked about Jesse Loves Paymon.

24.  That includes Steve McIntyre, who asked to be anonymous.

25.  The meal in first class was exceptional tonight.  Almost as good as the eleventy Crown and ginger ales.

26.  For a brief stint, Paul Bissonnette made it on a the roster of a team in this league.  In Anzoolander’s defense, he was on a point streak, but that quickly disappeared after GM Jesse Cook chirped “Biznasty” on twitter:

27.  If you are asking why Jesse would call himself Tom on Twitter, wouldn’t you if you were gay AND a Canucks fan?

28.  I am super annoyed at how many different radio stations play the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore.  All different genres.  They are ruining it.  Ruiners.

29.  I keep seeing everyone getting all excited about a defensemen getting forward eligibility for fantasy hockey.  Why?  Who wants to put a defensemen in a forward slot?  Is that really your best option?  Are people that bad at this?

30. Jesse Loves Paymon, Anzoolander, Me So Vyborney, Not Poodle!!, Dr. Hook, Pistol’s Hellcats; who are teams that will be golfing in three weeks.

Power Rankings: Week 16

I have never watched or attended an awards show that I wasn’t either a lock to win or a heavy favorite to win one of the biggest awards.  The last time that happened I was seven and the awards show was held at PJ’s All Star café.  That our society as a whole wastes so much time watching Hollywood celebrities, who are the modern day version of the monkeys on the street with the cymbals in hand, is just depressing. 

1.  Bizzarohawks (1)

2. Flower’s In the Cage (4)

3. Kanucks (7)

4. Everett Silvertips (6)

5. Anzoolander (5)

6.  Crosby’s Concussions (3)

7. Captain Chinese (12)

8.  Texans (8)

9.  Super Sperm (9)

10. Not Poodle!!! (2)

11.  Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (10)

13.  Me So Vyborny (14)

14. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)

Some thoughts:

1.  Jesse Loves Paymon might be the worst fantasy hockey team I have ever seen.

2.  They are building quite a stable of defensemen, making sure some are filing active roster spots while on IR, because, you know, that is what great teams usually do.

3.  Since the draft of the 2009-10 season, when GM Steve McIntyre wished he could redraft (and then subsequently won that year’s Anze Cup), Jesse Loves Paymon has made a total of 21 moves and rapidly descended into shit.  Meanwhile, the Everett Silvertips have made 95 and appear to be a dynasty in the making.  This further shows that GM Steve McIntyre knows almost nothing about fantasy hockey beyond perfunctory actions and his Anze Cup title was a fluke.

4.  Jesse Loves Paymon is entertaining all offers.  I have a feeling, given how little this team has to offer, blow jibbers from the GM are on the table as well.  On Mondays, GM Steve McIntyre gives them for free.

5.  Today is Monday.

6.  Speaking of few moves and an awful team, go fuck yourself Fatty.

7.  It killed me to put Captain Chinese at 7.  That means 7 of you are currently worse than a team run by a moron.  Shape up.

8.  I just know this year Captain Chinese will somehow win, and I will spend the offseason figuring out what the hell else could go wrong with this world.

9.  After trying out one Nashville Predators former backup, GM Cole Ballard traded for another one in Anders Lindback.  Keep throwing your line into the pond, eventually you will catch something better than a old gumboot.

10.  Have you ever seen Cole Ballard do an imitation of WDarrell Hammond imitating Sean Connery?  It is delightful.

11.  As NHL teams start rounding into form, so do the better teams in this league.  I imagine the playoff picture should be pretty set within the next couple of weeks.

12.  GM Court Watson is going to miss the Anze Cup.  That is, if he isn’t able to take it home for a second straight year.

13.  The Anze Cup has been well used this year.  So much in fact that it is rumored if you just fill it with water and let it sit over night, you will get drunk of that water the next day.

14.  Putting the Anze Cup is the dishwasher is a offense worthy of execution, for future reference.

15.  I am kinda excited to see GM Scott Freeland lead the Bizzarohawks to an Anze Cup; he puts in a good effort despite being all alone in hell Cleveland, with some critical spreadsheets rationalizing his moves, and I like to see that type of effort rewarded. 

16.  Plus, Scott has jam.

17.  Cory Conacher and Vladimir Tarasenko have slowed rapidly and are on two fantasy teams that suck with GMs that think they know what they are doing.  They don’t, and this is the perfect example why.

18.  Dr. Hook:  please read this and do something.  Anything.

19.  Sometimes it is fun to go back and look at old message boards and blog posts.  This week,  noticed that in 2010, Jesse Cook offered Dave Kitchen a 16th round in three years for Craig Anderson.  Man, how far Mr. Anderson has come.

20.  Then I look at the trades between Jesse and Bert Fong last year, and realize some of us have gotten dumber.

21.  The guy beside me on the plane just ordered a double vodka coke as his complimentary beverage.  Vodka is made from potatoes.  Potatoes are vegetables.  Vegetables are good for you.  You’re welcome.

22.  No seriously, it is 6:30 AM.  Hats off to this guy.

23.  Travel points are never worth the travel required to earn them.

24.  Unless they are convertible to lap dances at the Spearmint Rhino.

25.  Someone actually picked up the Khabibulin Wall.  I thought this league was better.

26.  I always weep a little inside when the real Wall, Brian Elliot, isn’t playing up to snuff.

27.  If you are asking how he got the nickname, he had 3 shutouts in one week for the Texans when playing Anzoolander a few years back.  Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook lost his shit and dropped his entire team for Blackhawks plugs, and proclaimed Brian Elliot as the greatest goaltender that ever lived.

28.  The Islanders are probably the best team in the East.  Brad Boyes is this year’s P.A. Parenteau; marginally above average, racking up points beside Jon Tavares, the best player in the league presently.

29.  Imagine if your oldest keeper was 22 and the best player in the league?  You would be sitting pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

30.  Finally, let the Jonathan Drouin sweepstakes begin!

Power Rankings: Week 14

Most of you are well aware of the storied tradition of power rankings for this league within this blog;  In-depth, highly accurate analysis where every single person who reads them learns at least one thing (that I am an asshole).  This year, I have decided to go with a different format which is more suitable to our society’s current propensity to gravitate towards twitter in an effort to create the backwardation of Moore’s law.  After years of being amazingly accurate, I won’t justify each team’s position, rather I will just add my musings after in short form, while drinking an alcoholic beverage (or eleventy).

1.  Bizzarohawks (4)

2.  Not Poodle!!! (10)

3.  Crosby’s Concussions (T-5)

4.  Flower’s In the Cage (3)

5.  Anzoolander (14)

6.  Everett Silvertips (2)

7.  Kanucks (T-5)

8.  Texans (9)

9.  Super Sperm (1)

10.  Dr. Hook (13)

11.  Pistol’s Hellcats (T-7)

12.  Captain Chinese (12)

13.  Jesse Loves Paymon (T-7)

14.  Me So Vyborny (11)

1.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon has decided that in spite of a dismal first two weeks, selling Cory Conacher while he is scoring at an unsustainable clip of 30% of shots on net is a bad idea.  There is a reason why this team is bad.

2.  The team with the most points is in last.  Further proving Steve fluked out in the draft a few years ago and really can’t manage a team at all.

3.  Me So Vyborny played Week 13 with a mismanaged lineup of guys injured in the middle of the week prior.  GM Matt Meier blames it on his iPhone, which further proves my theory is that Apple products are for retards.

4.  Two teams have had their rosters locked this week for failing to pay their dues and are playing each other.   Oddly, neither of them have noticed.  Somehow, neither of them are last.  God have mercy on us all.

5.  Dan Ellis is not the answer Flowers in the Cage is looking for.

6.  Teams below a .350 winning percentage with less than ten weeks to play have approximately an 8% change of making the playoffs.  Expect some selling, and soon.

7.  15% of all statistics are made up.

8.  If you over pack your laptop or purse, don’t expect my leg room to suffer for it.  This is first class.  Go fuck yourself and deal with it yourself.

9.  Once again, the Clarence Campbell Conference looks to be the dominant Conference.  Again, it is because the managers, in general, know less about hockey and get out of their own way.

10.  Congratulations to Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland on having a baby girl, Amelia Susan.  Somewhere out there is a guy following in your foot steps, with a contract written out on a napkin to bang her as a minor.

11.  Or nail her outside of Cheers pub in Surrey.

12.  Or pound her on the 5th green at Quilchena.  I love karma.

13.  The Everett Silvertips have yet to play a week with a full team as a result of injuries, sending off Brad Marchand and Gabriel Landeskog this week.  There is a good chance this team’s decline starts now.  Right this second.

14.  Ovechkin, like the team he plays for, Super Sperm, is awful.  Yet both his team and him have an absurd amount of hubris.  Vaginal hubris.

15.  You would think with Anze Kopitar and Jamie Benn coming back this week, Anzoolander would look strong.  Instead, they looked brutal.  I can’t tell if it is because one never looks good against a ninja, or the team can’t get over GM Jesse Cook styling his hair like he is 19. 

16.  Congratulations on to Jesse on his brand new VW Jetta Turbo to go with that hairdo.  Please name your new business of printing fliers and licking envelopes something stupid, like Juppie.  Then upgrade to a turbo Touareg and vanity plate the shit out of it.

17.  The North Vancouver Crossfit Gaymes were this weekend, whatever the fuck that means.  Hopefully at least something positive came out of it, like contributions to girlsinyogapants.com.

18.  Reason 250,822 crossfit is dumb; this guy created the exercises crossfitters pretend they made up (and then say that the Biggest Loser is copying them).

Forging elite fitness.

19.  Reason 250,823 crossfit is dumb; have you seen the licensing fee gym owners need to pay to use the word to describe the exercises they are copying from the military, professional and collegiate sports, which have been doing them for decades?

20.  What team is Miikka Kiprusoff on?  He is just awful, but not as bad as his backup.  Fuck that Leland Irving clown.  Go Giants.

21.  Best pickup of the waivers so far this year?  Mikkel Boedker by the Texans.  Well done sir.

22.  God I wish I could live in first class and just fly around being served booze and freshly baked cookies.  The only thing missing is a blow jibber or several.

23.  Do you guy want to go in on a Phoenix Coyotes acquisition bid?  I figure if we pool our resources, we are only $249,999,000 short.  We can sell Jesse’s VW Passat turbo, now that is used, and only be $249,998,000 short.

24.  When asked to comment about the multiple message board posts insulting him, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson declined comment, took a sip of his drink from the Anze Cup, and just smiled.

25.  GM Court Watson is already training his kid as a fantasy hockey talent scout.  Here he is watching Tuukka Rask get the shut out and evaluating his long term keeper potential:

But yeah, your kid making shitty art out of Cheerios and water based paints is waaaaaaaaay better.

26.  The Mayans might have been off by a year; what Captain Chinese is doing scares the shit out of me.

27.  Islanders.  Playoffs.  Guaranteed.

Thoughts on the Draft

It is Thursday night, I am in an airport, and I have had a few…too many.  Perfect time to share some thoughts on the draft.

1.  Bert Fong is the worst general manager of any organization, real or fantasy, I have ever seen.  Nobody can submarine an organization like he can.  It is so bad it I am actually impressed.

2.  Chris Thomas almost one upped his brother in law, GM Jesse Cook, by drafting Anton Khudobin in the third round.  You may recall the great draft of 2009.  I say almost, because Thomas didn’t select him 9th overall.  Lets see if he continues in his brother-in-laws footsteps by trading Khudobin for peanuts one day before Tuukka Rask goes down with an case of European pussiness.

3.  The 1st overall pick in the actual NHL draft continues to be drafted in our league in my mind, way, way to early.  Factoring in how much later the 2nd overall pick has gone, those players are a bargain (Hall, 6th, Seguin, 13th in 2010.  RNH, 1st, Landeskog, 11th).  Bad GMs are paying quite a premium in the draft, and it isn’t really paying off.

4.  GM Court Watson, who has drafted the 2nd overall NHL pick the last two years, continued that trend by drafting the 2nd forward taken in the 2012 draft in Alex Galchenyuk in the 8th round.  It will be interesting to see who performs better between Yakupov and Galchenyuk in relation to where they went in the draft, as critics believe Galchenyuk is physically the most ready for the NHL (similar to the opinion on Landeskog).

5.  The first trade has already happened, and involved a heavyweight.  The Bizarrohawks are clearly making a run this year, though they may lack the goaltenders to make it far.   You got jam Ninja.  The Everett Silvertips could no longer use the rookie rule on Landeskog, which means something had to give, and trading a forward with D-man minutes entering his 30s isn’t the worst move.  Both teams might benefit from this.

6.  GM Jesse Cook really likes his team.  This is no different than the last 4 years, where Anzoolander’s best performance has been a 1st round exit, and required multiple moves during the season to make the team half decent.  Awful.

7.  Ryan Schauble only complained about the time of the draft 76 times, a new low for him.  This was probably due to the fact he only realized what time the draft was the day before, despite it being on the fantasy home page, posted on the blog, and sent to him in the form of a calendar invite.  Baby steps I guess.

8.  ‘Dr. Hook’ once again autodrafted and will probably beat half the teams in the league, just like every other year.  That would normally prove that the draft is a fluke, except this team beats the same teams every year, which shows some people are super bad at fantasy hockey.

9.  The stewardess on my plane could probably lose a few lbs.

10.  And serve drinks faster.

11.  And get in the kitchen.

12.  If you are offended by the term stewardess and think they should be called flight attendant and I am sexist, I disagree.  I call all the employees in the cabin stewardesses, because regardless of gender, they are still a vagina.  And if you are offended, so are you.

13.  Seriously, Bert Fong is awful at Fantasy Hockey.  Like as bad as this car crash.

This is awful and tragic, but I did laugh at the title.

14.  The team that is the scariest is Crosby’s Concussions.  A very solid draft, and I am expecting big things from this team this year.  Varlamov will be more valuable than Kiprusoff, and might replace Letang as a keeper on this team.  You heard it hear first.  Don’t fuck it up Dave.

15.  For multiple reasons, farting on a plane is hilarious.

16.  The best value pick in the draft was David Perron in the ninth.  Unless Bernier gets traded and becomes a starter.  Then it was that pick in the 12th.

17.  The Islanders will make the playoffs because they are awesome.  Hockey with heart.

18.  A nine week fantasy season means any team can win.  If Captain Chinese wins, I will shut down the league and destroy the Anze Cup.

19.  The Anze Cup has aged nicely this season and is excited for its new home.  Even defending champion and GM Court Watson acknowledges it might have a new home, guessing “two inches from where it currently rests.”

20.  This isn’t the year Matt Meier becomes an inspirational story like Rudy and wins it all.  This is the year where his story is like the guy that accomplished nothing and nobody knows about.

21.  That Notre Dame football player and Jesse Cook share something in common; they made up a girl that nobody else ever saw.  Jesse met his in Australia.  Sure you did buddy.  Also, they share something else; they made it up to keep hiding in the closet.

22.  Bryan Little should be required to be on Pistol’s Hellcats.  He looks like GM Pete Shpak, is the same height (5’11”) and his last name is little, which makes me chuckle pretty good. 

23.  The heartwarming story of the draft is BFFs Duncan Keith and Court Watson reunited (and it feels so goooooooood).

24.  I just saw that Vincent Lecavalier went in the second round…wtf?!?!?

25.  Who is fatter?  Lucic or Byfuglien?  Both will be liabilities to their respective fantasy teams.

26.  Ryan Schauble had the best set of keepers in the league and came dead last.  He sucks at this.  So, he brought in a co-manager to help him run his team.  Everyone, Sean Stock.  I like to think of this as being as stupid as the co-dependency between Mayim Bialik and her kids.  I can only imagine who sucks on who’s tits.  I don’t know who Sean is, so that means I hate him, but Steve says he is easy to trade rape, so of course, he is welcome.

27.  I just got cut off by the stewardess, I am done.

Let’s Get it On!

Three U18 World Championships in a row and an U20 World Championship just wasn’t good enough for the ol’ U.S. of A.

We even won the World Inlines.  Imagine if the U.S. used their best athletes in hockey games, or their second best, or their third best, or their fourth best?  Canada would have to just quit and stop pretending they ever invented hockey.

Anyhoo, from the great casino that brought you beer pong on their main gambling floor, the kind Sirs at O’Shea’s Casino kindly provided opening odds on the Anze Cup Champion futures.  What better way to start off the power rankings?!?!  There are some interesting picks by these gentlemen, but they are very good at what they do, so lets take a look.

Super Sperm (8/1) – Probably the biggest group of “names” in the keeper stable and with high draft picks to boot. This will be a critical year for Rick Nash, as we will learn how valuable he really is, now being on a team with actual offense. GM Ryan Schauble is pretty good at screwing things up, but until that happens, the boys at O’Shea’s like this team to take it all.

Everett Silvertips (10/1) – Returning the youngest stable of keepers, and the only group of keepers where all players are on the first page of the Yahoo! O-rankings, with two first round and second round draft picks, this team has the potential to repeat.  Concern around the return of Ilya Kovalchuk casts a cloud over this team, but recent indications are Kovy will be back in action.  All signs indicate a strong year for all keepers, with the biggest question mark being whether or not Tuukka Rask can handle the role of the true #1 goalie.  GM Court Watson was asked to join the GMs with kids group within the league, but after hearing the non-stop whining and gay excuses they make related to their kids for poor fantasy hockey performance, he wanted none of it.  Excuses are for crossfitters losers.

Flowers in the Cage (15/1) – The Inglorious Backes and Co. return after a near miss. GM Cole Ballard has now finished runner up 17 times in this league. That has to be some sort of record. He probably would have won, had he not declined Seguin for Couture, but oh well, ya win so…wait, this team never wins, nevermind.  This team didn’t keep an NHL goalie, so Cole will have to find one in the draft or through trades.  Yes, I know Anderson is on the team, but I said NHL goalie.  Hey Cole, I think Brodeur is available.

Bizarrohawks (20/1) –  Like a ninja, this team snuck into the semifinals last year, which is fitting, because GM Scott Freeland is an actual ninja (party, if you are curious to the type of ninja).

   Party ninjas always sleep with their eyes open. Always.

This team’s keepers sound like they came from the island of misfit toys, but they all quietly produce, at least they did last year.  No first round picks will hurt this team, but like a Ninja, they should always be watched closely.

Crosby’s Concussions (30/1) – Anyone else on eggshells just talking about Crosby? All signs point to healthy, which is great for hockey, good for this team, and bad for all the other teams. A couple of interesting keepers, but a good year and this team can definitely compete. Not Steelers compete, I mean actually be good.

Kanucks (30/1) – Made a big push last year to win and fell short. It might cost them this year, with their first pick in the draft coming in the third round and 39th overall. Half the keepers are question marks, including both in net, but if they play to their ability this team will compete. Luckily, GM Dave Kitchen likes to espouse the same priorities as you would read in books like “What to Expect When You are a Gay Father who doesn’t watch or play sports” so I expect very little from this team beyond relying on sheer talent.

Pistol’s Hellcats (35/1) – Traded his best player for a goalie that just lost half of his defense. Can the Red Wings pull off their amazing magic again by finding hall of famers in the 7th round? Probably unlikely, which means last year’s trade rape will probably continue to be a disaster for this team. With the Sedins production falling off last year for the first time and Swedish players propensity to retire early, Iginla and Lundqvist being old, this team may be down to Ottawa Senators as its core nucleus by next year’s draft. Yes, you read that right. Okay, I will give you a moment to wipe the tears from your eyes.

Jesse Loves Paymon (35/1) – Overrated: Ward, Thornton, Hossa. Old: Thornton, Hossa. Average: Lucic, Ward. See a trend here? GM Steve McIntyre recently decided to add a third child to his stable, which means he will have even less time to do any work on his team. He is technologically retarded, reads slow, and makes decisions even slower, which, given the time crunch, means he has no chance. Unless of course, he flukes out by drafting a team he thinks is awful and makes almost no moves, similar to what he did when he won the forever tainted* 2011 Anze Cup.

Texans (50/1) – A lot of uncertainty on this team. How will Parise do in Minnesota? Will Schneider get the bulk of the starts or time share? How the hell did Dustin Brown become a keeper? Ever? Will Eric Staal go gangbusters playing with his brother? Will Heatley finally just fall over and die on the ice from old age? All this uncertainty means the first overall pick will be huge, but the boys at O’Shea’s don’t think it will be enough.

Not Poodle!!! (60/1) – I wasn’t even sure that GM Matt Welsh even knew he had a team last year, and with the additional of this cute little miracle guy (btw, let me know if you need some clothes for him, my 4 month old is now in 12 mos + clothing), O’Shea’s sports book thinks this team doesn’t stand a chance. You will note that Andrew Ference did not agree to plant 50 trees for every goal scored by Patrice Bergeron, because that would mean almost no trees are planted. Good luck this year Fatty, and go fuck yourself.

Me So Vyborny (70/1) – A new job for GM Matt Meier where the previous person did nothing will keep him so busy he will be even more indecisive with his team. I know, I know, I didn’t think it was possible either, and somewhere, GM Jesse Cook is throwing his hands up in exasperation. I am not wild about his keepers, nor am I really negative on them. O’Shea’s appears to be, and don’t like his chances.  We gave you a shot in the league Rudy, figure it out and prove that you earned it.

Captain Chinese (80/1) – Depending on who you talk to, either Benjamin Franklin or Albert Einstein declared compound interest to be the Eighth Wonder of the World.  Well, compound years of sucking at fantasy hockey is the Largest Blunder of the World.  Can someone tell me why offensive juggernaut Shea Weber wasn’t more sought after in last year’s draft?  In fairness, the keepers aren’t that bad, the boys at O’Sheas just expect Bert Fong to be Bert Fong and destroy this team somehow.

Dr. Hook (80/1) – This team needs to make a few more moves than the last 4 years combined. This team revolves around two players, and has repeatedly demonstrated that is not enough. GM Mike Gaunt is probably not aggressive enough to make any big changes, lets see if his New Year’s Resolution was to revamp his fantasy hockey team. I know it would be if I was him.

Anzoolander (90/1) – It takes GM Jesse Cook several months of wheeling and dealing to repair the damage done at the draft lead his team to first round exits, and with the shortened season, he won’t have enough time.  Anze Kopitar is looking to miss almost a quarter of the season with a knee injury, and Jamie Benn may choose to sit out until he has a contract in place.  The boys at O’Shea’s added another future to their books; 20/1 that he implodes into a hissy fit because he can’t figure out the rules of the league that haven’t been changed in years, and drops his fantasy team for Blackhawks plugs.

Yup, it is good to be back.

*Pistol’s Hellcats and Jesse Loves Paymon split the payout 50/50 between first and second, forever putting a black mark on that year.  I would expect it from a real estate agent, given the lack of ethics in that entire industry, but not from Steve.