The Season Starts Now

Welcome to the beginning of the Anze Cup playoffs, or the beginning of the fantasy hockey season if you aren’t a loser.  The matchups are set (I think) and the stakes are high; 5 of the 8 teams in the playoffs have never had the honor of raising the Anze Cup, and this year might be the year one of them enters the halls of immortality.  Lets take a look at the first round playoff match ups:

1. Hatrick Swayze versus 8. Everett Silvertips (Regular season record: 20-6-10 for Hatrick Swayze)
I don’t expect this matchup to be close.  Swayze GM inherited a playoff caliber team, drove it into the ground, and through complete luck, has built the President’s Trophy winner.  Two of his luckiest moves include drafting perpetually underwhelming Elias Lindholm, who suddenly found Jesus on the ice, and, ironically, getting Kucherov for a box of cracker jacks from, ironically, the Everett Silvertips.  Hatrick has deftly taken advantage of the rental concept to build a team stronger than he would have ever been capable of doing, and this is his one shot.  The Everett Silvertips are old, tired, washed up, and probably have some sort of organ failure.  They are basically the Nick Nolte of this league.  Sad.

Prediction:  Over before it starts, Hatrick sleepwalks in the next round winning 12-2-4.  Halifax Highlanders GM Dave Dugan cries a bit, regretting giving up a stacked team many moons ago.

2. Mitch Please versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 17-9-6 for Anzoolander)
Perennial powerhouse Anzoolander limps into the playoffs going up against a team that is turning it on.  None of that matters, wanna know why?  Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan is an Oilers fan.  If there is one thing the Oilers and their fan base know how to do, it is misuse immense talent and lose.  This is going to be a close battle, but I smell an upset.  Or is that the oil sands.  Either way, Alberta sucks.

Prediction: Anzoolander “upsets” Mitch Please 7-6-3.

3. The Champs versus 6. Captain Slanty Eyes (Regular season record: 7-5-4 for The Champ)
At this point Slanty Eyes zipperhead of a GM Bert Fong has done so much to help The Champs’ GM Luke Mackinnon that I would not be surprised if Bert just benches his team this week.  I think Bert has a real shot, only because The Champ is coming into the playoffs as arguably the coldest team (and by arguably, I mean obviously.  Nice President’s Trophy collapse).  I am eager to see the outcome of this one. Also, it would be absolutely hilarious if Bert wins a playoff round, especially against his Trade rapist.  That would be justice.  Hashtag me too.

Prediction: Captain Slanty Eyes with the upset, 7-6-3.

4. Halifax Highlanders versus 5. Three off the Tee (Regular season record: 9-7-0 for Three off the Tee)
Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan managed to take a perennially awful team and turn them into a playoff team his first year back in the league (welcome back, btw).  Three of the Tee GM has been tantalizing close to the Anze Cup, usually at his brother-in-laws watching Jesse drink out of it, but still.  The first thing that jumps out at me for both teams is absolutely nothing.  I mean it, neither team is remarkably and they are both middle of the road.  I am picking the winner of this matchup based on the smell of my fart I am about to let out; rotten egg to Halifax Highlanders, vomit/shit mix to Three off the Tee.

Prediction: Man that was a warm one.  Smelled like an abandoned chicken coop in Chernobyl.  Halifax Highlanders win it, 8-4-4.

For the rest of you losers, congratulations on sucking balls.  Except you Jody, welcome.  Hope you enjoyed it and expecting big things out of you in the future.  For all of you bums, here is your draft picks for next year, as well as dues owed this year.  YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS TO PAY ME VIA PAYPAL at PUCKYOURSELF AT LIVE DOT COM.  Failure to pay will result in a drop in the draft order by one place.   On PayPal, select send money to a friend, and if paying by credit card, you absorb the credit card fees, not the league.  As always, each team gets a certain number of balls in the lottery depending on their finish, as stated in 7.2 of the League Charter:

Draft Pick Team Dues Owed 1 Super Sperm (had 19 balls) $71.50 USD 2 2 Bills 1 Barzal (had 24 balls) $62.80 USD 3 Lokomotiv 2138 (had 14 balls) $85.05 USD 4 Hellcunts (had 29 balls) $101.00 USD 5 Fresh Action (had 9 balls) $63.00 USD 6 Jesse Loves Paymon (had 5 balls) $64.50 USD Thank you all. Best of luck to those in the playoffs. JM

Another Season in the Books

What an Anze Cup Final.  What started out looking like a boring blow out did a complete 180, and the Combo Classic Champs came roaring back to utterly dominate Anzoolander.  I don’t think i have ever witnessed such a disparity in fantasy hockey management skills.  The better team won.  More importantly, the better GM won.  Well done Luke.

And with that, here is the traditional letter from the Anze Cup Champion, Luke “Iambic pentameter is my spirit animal” Mackinnon:

At last . At long last.

I hear the beers just taste better when drinking from an Anze Cup. This is something that I am really, really, really, looking forward to. The other thing would be that moment when GM Poolander starts to boast about his cups, and how delicious the cold beer goes down in them … now I will sit smugly with my own pint and say “yes… yes indeed Poolander.” One of the best things this league has done is to allow Champions to keep their crowns.

When I came into this league, I thought to myself, ‘what a bunch of chumps – this should be easy… what could an Asian, a Texan, a couple of over the hill Americans, some arrogant rich kid, and an Ape, possibly know about fantasy hockey. A couple of years later and a couple of first place finishes but getting the boot in the playoffs, was becoming frustrating to say the least.* Not as easy as it might seem. What has made up for it is the witty banter and night time reading I get from the WhatsApp chat… that alone makes this pool worth being a part of. You are a good group of characters, and I love being in this hockey pool!

*Side note: It makes me wonder what the over/under would be on when the most confident fantasy hockey GM ever to grace us with his presence  wins his first Anze Cup; When can GM Hattrick Swayze put together a winning team, or will he just continue with the trend of playing with fantasy AIDS? #winning 

via GIPHY

When I look back at this year’s draft, I begin to wonder how this was the year. I see what a disaster I made of the draft. Seriously disgusting. Most of my picks did not make the final roster, and I only had one trade all year long that I can remember. My keepers carried the weight, like they should, leading to being undefeated in the last 7 weeks of the year. My goalies went 13 wins in 15 games in the playoffs. I stole the PPP categories from my opponent’s grasp.

The only team worth the battle this year is the team I met in the finals, as it should be. Kudos to GM Cook and his Poolander squad. 3 GWG, 1 SHG, and 2 shutouts, all by day two is a heck of a way to start the week. My team knew what was on the line, and they were relentless every night in their comeback effort. Watching Mcdavid get 10 points in the week, and take over the NHL scoring race was something else to watch. Mcdavid for President. Combo Classic Champs for life.

GM Mackinnon out, and open for business. Who wants a champ on their team?

Great stuff Luke, enjoy those cold beers.

The Championships are here.

This is it, the Anze Cup finals.  The two teams in the finals are hardened warriors, going through the gauntlet to get here.  The teams knocked out in the playoffs, congratulations, your reward is zero praise, worse draft picks than if you missed the playoffs, and nobody will remember a damn thing about you.  Not dissimilar to your life.

As always, lets get started with a good championship week speech, probably what Jesse is giving his team right now:

Now lets go over to see what Luke is saying to his team:

And with that, lets look at the two teams in the finals:

Fat Ugly Version of Anze Kopitar aka Anzoolander:

The President’s trophy winner looks for his third title and has brought a cast of characters that are in pure veteran all-star mode.  With an average age of 35 (estimated) this team is looking to go out as a dynasty before imploding from old age.  In an unprecedented move, GM Jesse Cook is starting three d-men, going for volume versus stats.  Granted, this is the same person that basically failed Grade 12 math, so lets do a quick calculation based on the last 14 days’ stats.

0.51 average points x 4 games = 2.04 points

0.83 average points x 3 games = 2.49 points

Final answer  = Palmieri > Ekman-Larsson.

Hope it works out for you.  Also, who doesn’t want Luongo to win something?  Anything.  Love that guy, I am routing for you.

Henry McDavid Thoreau aka Cryrant aka Combo Classic Champs

Luke Mackinnon has finally made the Anze Cup finals, after being eliminated in the semifinals the past two years and losing in the Anze Cup finals three years ago.  This team is stacked, and should be considered the heavy favorite.  But lets look at a few numbers:

.885, .893, 882.

Martin Jones’ last three games.  Other than Ben Bishop, the biggest headcase among starting goalies in the NHL.  Coupled with the fact that the other goalie is a Russian, and Russians fold like over-payed primadonnas cheap suits, the goalie categories may be a cause for concern in the finals.  Granted, goalie categories are only 33% of the total scoring, but the more you have to lean on your offense to cover for your defense, that is always a risk.  But Cook is starting three D-men, so I am sure it is fine:

Prediction:

A repeat of the 2014 finals.  Last time they met this season, Anzoolander dominated and guess what?  Cryrant put up absolute dumpster fire stats in net, getting swept in the goalie categories.  Yet, Anzoolander rode the “elite” skills of Josh Bailey, who has the exceptional talent of once being line mates with John Tavares.  Bailey had 8 points that week, but has 5 in the last 12 games, which shows Garth Snow didn’t want to overpay him in the future, took him off Tavares’ line, and now he sucks.

So the last match isn’t really a proxy.  My prediction is that Bad Poets Society comes out firing on all cylinders and dominates.  The team is stacked and for this team to win it doesn’t need a lot to go right. Rather, to lose, it needs a lot of go wrong.  That is an enviable position to be in, and is definitely an advantage.  My final call is Sailing When They Should Be at Work wins 8-4-2 and a new Anze Cup Champion is born.

Best of luck gentlemen.

JM

A Message from Our Champion

Another season is in the books.  Thanks to all of you who actively participated this season.  And you too Dave. 

With that, here is a the message from our Champion, Mike Gaunt, GM of the powerhouse Kane & she was Abel.  As always, the message is only edited for spelling and grammar.  Without further adieu:

I have made America great again.

The Anze Cup returns to the land of the free and non-birthplace of Barrack Obama.

So let’s dig in here to how/why/no fuckin’ way did he just win the Anze cup. I wrote my winning post back in 2009 and still holds true to today. Some of you dipshits should read it (Bert Fong):

http://puckyourself.blogspot.com/2009/11/word-from-our-defending-champion.html 

I broke all the rules of common sense and was tabbed an idiot by Joe McGrath for not having any decent goalies. Goalie points are rigged to that it doesn't matter who plays goalie. Goalies are like running backs, dodo birds, and Dave Kitchen in this league. 16 total points each week 5 by goalies. You could play zero goalies in a week and still win 11-5. Only 8 goalies started 60 or more games this year out of 30 teams. Second stupid mistake that I do is having too many players on the same team. 3 Keepers from the Flyers, oh well.  The irony is that if you held a lineup of my players in front of me I couldn’t even pick them out. I think Jakub Voracek is the guy on the right since he is wearing a uniform.

Lastly thank you to all of you in the league. You make hockey fun for this guy and I hope to god Seattle gets a team some decade. Lastly as some of you may know, I’m a cancer survivor and unfortunately it has come back. So in mid-July when I’m done with my chemo I will drink my first beer in over 16 weeks out of the cup, I can’t FUCKING wait.

Fuck Cancer.

JM.

The Playoffs!

Welcome everyone to the 2017 Anze Cup playoffs.  Except for the losers who didn't make it, you suck.  Let's quickly address those teams:

Super Sperm - For the first time in maybe ever, GM Ryan Schauble was finally a seller, and boy, did he suck at it.  One trade for very little.  Hashtag rebuild.  By 2024.

Update: Schauble pointed out he made two trades, which shows how bad he is at this with his unmemorable moves

Hatrick Swayze - Has taken a playoff caliber team to the cellar in just two seasons.  Granted, this team has been decimated by injuries, but so have Anzoolander and Everett Silvertips (or at least, their GMs whine the most about it).  My hats off on trying to change things up; offered Crosby, Anisimov, Toffoli, Kucherov and Carlson for Conner McDavid but was denied.  If Henry McDavid Throreau doesn't win, that will be the reason.

Texans - Still don't know shit about hockey.  Wild boar hunting season starts early this year.  Let's do Ashcroft this year Tex.

Kanucks - Recently read that posting your workouts makes you a narcissistic asshole, which still doesn't explain why GM Dave Kitchen has been so bad for so long, it just explains why he is an asshole.

ChingChongBingBongs - Another year, another season of gifting players to Henry McDavid Thoreau.  You the man.  The Chinaman.

Connor McSaviours - I appreciate the effort GM Ryan Zupan has put in.  If it didn't take him a week to respond to trade offers, this team might go somewhere.  So it won't.

Thank you to all of the above for trying, now fuck off.  With that, let's look at the first round matchups (regular season head to head in brackets): 

1. Pistol's Hellcats vs. 8. Anzoolander (16-9-7...Hellcats!)

Both teams are limping into the playoffs, despite a throughly dominating President's Trophy win by Pistol's Hellcats.  Despite some issues the Hellcats are having, I don't anticipate this match up to be very close; it took another miracle by the Wall just to allow Anzoolander to sneak in.

Prediction: the Hellcats avoid the President's Trophy curse, moving on and winning 9-2-5

2. Lokomotiv 2138 vs. 7. Me So Vyborny (7-5-4 to Loko Ono)

I think this match will be really close.   I don't think either team has a chance at the Anze Cup, they each have more holes to plug than an orgy at the convent, but these teams match up well.  I think goalies decide this one, and I think Me So Vyborny has the better options.

Prediction:  Oh Me So Vyborny me love you long time (until next Monday).  Advances winning 8-7-1

3. Kane and she was Abel vs. 6. Jesse Loves Paymon (10-4-2 for Kane)

Arguably the two worse teams in the playoffs.  Jesse Loves Paymon plummeted from 1st to 6th in the second half of the season, and if it was any longer, probably would have missed the playoffs.  The inability to do any significant trades by GM Steve McIntyre despite him proclaiming this year was the year he was going to make a run is all you need to know about Steve's GM skill.  For Kane, the season started with GM Mike Gaunt complaining about the goalie scoring format being rigged, despite it not changing in 6 years, to basically conceding all goalie categories every week because the goalies are so bad.  Fortunately, Kane has met its match in JLP, whose goalies are equally terrible.  This will actually be close given the comparable awfulness.

Prediction: Kane doesn't get enough goalie appearances to be eligible for goalie scoring, and would have won 9-6-1 but instead loses 8-7-1 4.

Henry McDavid Thoreau vs. 5. Everett Silvertips (7-5-4 for Thoreau)

Probably two of the most intriguing teams this playoff run.  In the near corner, Everett Silvertips ran the gauntlet the final four weeks to make the playoffs against four other playoff teams and beating the 1, 2 and 3 seeds in the process.  The return of Eichel, Huberdeau, and Murray have made this team a force to reckon with, with this team's achilles being the very young and talented goaltending, which may go lights out or may not stop a beach ball.  In the far corner, GM Luke MacKinnon has built a team that was on a torrid pace but slowed dramatically, though it may be coming back to life, thanks to the gifts this team received from the Kanucks and ChingChongBingBongs.  Think this one will be a battle, but think the experience Henry McDavid Thoreau's roster has in the being a heavy favorite and losing every year in the Anze Cup playoffs will push it through.  Don't think turning down the best player in the league and the hottest player in the league hurts this team..yet.

Prediction: Henry McDavid Thoreau waxes poetic all over the Silvertips' face, in what GM Luke MacKinnon hopes is only the beginning of the second verse of his Odyssey.  Henry McDavid Thoreau wins 8-4-4.

Todd and Schauble, pay up you bums.  

Champion’s Message

As is the tradition, every year we feature a message from the new champion.  With that, I present this year’s current champion, Jesse Dean Cook.

Your 2014/15 Anze Cup Champion - Anzoolander

In the wise words of Cole Ballard, "who the fuck is Anze Kopitar?" Well, he has just captained the greatest fantasy hockey team of all time to win The Anze Cup. All hail Anze (which in Slovenian means 'Great Handsome Man'), who is truly the King.

I'd first like to thank my worthy opponent in the finals, the Bizarrohawks for a valiant effort and a great season winning the President’s Trophy. It is a grind to win the regular season, however, the true test is beating three good teams in a row to win the Cup as opposed to God awful teams such as Not Poodle, Kanucks and the ChingChing BingBongs. Losing to those teams is like losing to Stevie Wonder in a game of rock, paper, scissors...just embarrassing.

I will also give Luke credit for encouraging more trades this year and we need even more next season. As my #1 selling bumper sticker says, "You win some, you lose some and you ChingChong Bingbong some." Looking at how Anzoolander made it to the top; I made some good trades and bad trades but the key is I made them. Stop being pussies and worry what other people think next season...we will make fun of you no matter how good or shitty the trade is. I expect the same back.

Great: James van Riemsdyk, Kari Lehtonen and my 2nd for Carey Price and CCBB 10th.

Awful: Devan Dubnyk, Chris Krieder AND my #1 for Pavel Datsyuk and Texans #6.

It would've been amazing to ride the DD 39 straight start train but I fucked that up and traded him a day before he caught fire. It's as if I listened to JLP to buy high on an aging has-been who will ultimately be injured 1/2 the remaining games. You suck Steve. Thanks for nothing. 

Now, back to the Cup Final. A Legend was born and the Art Ross will be handed out to the stud of all Fantasy studs, Jamie "10 pts in 3 games" Benn.

Starting Benn was a no brainer, but where my skill is at a higher level than all of you losers put together is starting Cam "Clutch" Atkinson over Steven "Sniper" Stamkos. Then, having the foresight and confidence to start Drew Stafford (9% owned) and Yannick "The Bomb" Weber (7% owned) in the biggest week of the season while I sat back and watched them collect a combined 4 goals (the 2 PPG by Weber less than 2 minutes apart from the same spot was amazing....to everyone but me). 

The last 3 Stanley Cup Champion Team Captains were: Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. The current Art Ross winner is Jamie Benn. The favorite to win both the Vezina and the Hart trophies is Carey Price. And these players are ALL ON THE SAME TEAM?! What great management. Simply outstanding. Top shelf. Anzoolander simply cannot be stopped.

Pistol's Hellcats (GM Pete Shpak) are now the former champ and will have no more nights like these alone thinking to himself while sipping from The Cup "God Anze is so damn good looking, and tall." 

Finally, thank you Stupid Court for running such a great league. I would give you higher praise, however, you just got back from a week at The Masters without me so you can just go fuck yourself. 

The End. Your Hero. Anze Cook

Playoff Eulogy: Everett Silvertips

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the Third in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Bizarrohawks’ new GM Luke Mackinnon pays his respects to the Everett Silvertips.

Everett Silvertips – RIP 2015

Everett Silvertips, led by GM Court Watson, put forth a disappointing week that ends the dream in returning to glory.  A fading star, perennial winner Watson put together an inconsistent, streaky team that was lucky to make it to the playoffs. Riddled with injuries, we take a closer look at this team’s fall from grace.

Armed with arguably the best keepers in the game, this was a team that missed the playoffs last year  and almost again this year.  If either of the two other teams trying to make it in could have scored even 4 wins on the final week, I wouldn't be giving this eulogy. Something is wrong with the home computer and system... has to be with these past results... time for an upgrade.

The downfall starts early with one of the worst trades of the year, as Nikita Kucherov, both LW/RW eligible, gets shipped out of town for a d-man that ends the season with -19, and a goalie who doesn't play.  Kucherov ends the season with a Yahoo rank of 25th overall. The next trade was a bold move that took balls, trading one of the best ranked goalies in the league in Quick (2nd most starts/6th in wins) and Backes, for Giroux and the injured for the year Miller.  An unlucky injury, as Giroux is a beast and the best player in the trade. These trades lead us to the point that the Tips still have all of their draft picks in tact for next year.  Refusing to move to improve, one has to wonder if GM Watson even believed in his own team... a constant pessimist, and belligerent abuser to his own team, I doubt it.  

One look at the risky blue line and you would think there was room for improvement - but I'm sure the spreadsheet said that these were the guys who were going to get it done for the Tips, so they stuck with the plan.  In the end, Bizarrohawks defense outscore them 13-6 in points (I'm sure there will be some sort of push not to see 4 D slots next year).  Joe MaGrath nailed his outlook saying that ancillary stats would win this week out for the Bizarrohawks.  1 SHG, 1 SHA, 1 GWG, 1 SO, were enough to make that come true.  Although history did repeat itself, as in week 21, the same 11-4 result took place.  If were looking into past weeks, we should also make note that the Everett Silvertips were the only team to legitimately go 0-12, not scoring a point in week 17. Just downright embarrassing.

In a combination with this embarrassing stat, and in all honesty the amazing job you do to run what has to be one of the very best hockey pools out there today... I know we all give you a huge round of applause and massive thank you for your energy, and want to give you this cup (see pic), because you deserve something for your work.  The outlook is good for you Court... with a new computer, armed with those keepers, and all your picks in tact; this is a team that will surely be feared next year... at least until you screw it up... again... 

On the Cusp of Greatness

This is it.  What we all worked for.  What we sweated over.  What we forgo time with loved ones for.  What we ostracize ourselves at pool parties in Palm Springs talking about.  The Anze Cup Finals.  One of the two teams left will take home the Anze Cup. One of these two teams will become immortal.

And second place?  Well, lets get things kicked off this week with a commercial Versus television network made specifically for our league.

Second is the first loser

Lets look at the finals matchup.

1.  Bizzarohawks versus 3.  Anzoolander  (regular season series – 18-7 for Anzoolander)

Based on the Yahoo! ranking, between these two teams, the total number of players in the top 25 from last week is exactly two.  It gets to four over the past 14 days, though Bizarrohawks still keeps its one fringe spot (side note:  if Texans had made the playoffs, they may have crushed everyone).

So what does that mean?  Nothing.  Because in weeks like this, there is no underdog.  There is no favorite.  Passion triumphs logic.  Heart beats the mind.  You have two very well rounded teams and it should be a fun match.  If I had to go just off paper, I like Anzoolander in the match.  They are healthier, they are deeper, they have more games.  Goalie games don’t matter (Bizarrohawks showed that last week) as long as you get two and those two starts put up solid numbers. 

But none of that matters, because a Mika Zibanejed might forever be immortalized with a massive week, Drew Stafford might rekindle his sniper ways for just one week.  You just don’t know.  There is no can’t.  Or won’t.  Or impossible.  If you believe, impossible is nothing. 

Good luck this week gentlemen.  Immortality awaits.

The New Fight of the Century

Some people like to think the “Thrilla in Manilla” was the greatest fight of the three bout series between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier.  While that was a good one, the first fight was coined the “Fight of the Century” for a reason.  That fight is a fitting analogy to one of the best fantasy hockey playoff matchups I have seen in a while, mainly because in both the playoff match and the fight, a gorilla prevailed (not because he was black, because that was Ali’s nickname for Frazier, you racist).

It all came down to the last day in this “epic” match (side note: I use epic in quotation marks because the Bubonic Plague was epic, the Crusades were Epic.  Your fantasy hockey matchup, or your workout, are not), right down to the last two minutes of the last two games.  A game winning goal for the Halifax Highlanders, a very real possibility in both games, and they win.  You could almost hear Burt Lancaster scream “The tension, and the excitement here, is monumental!”  In fact, lets just watch that to get everyone pumped up.

What a finish.

In the end, Captain Serious sealed the deal for Anzoolander.  When Jesse Cook was told that Toews just had a game winning goal to save his team, Cook responded, “he didn’t save my team, he just iced the match.  So serious.”

For all the other matchups, the losers were either outmanaged, outmatched, outplayed, or all three.  Pick one.  There were some windows closing on some good teams this season if they couldn’t pull off an Anze Cup, and those windows slammed shut.

With that, lets look at this week’s playoff matchups.

1.  Bizarrohawks vs. 7.  Everett Silvertips (regular season winner – 20-9 for Bizarrohawks)

Everett Silvertips came back to life after a few quiet weeks, leading the entire league in points for the 5th time in the last 7 weeks, easily dominating his opponent.  Still, the weakness here is in net, especially that terrible, god awful goalie for the Canucks, and that will be an uncertainty for however long this team lasts (which won’t be long).  Bizarrohawks on the other hand, put up an awful performance, barely eeking out a win against a team that had its two best players on IR.  So bad is this team playing in fact, that only 2 of the starting offense this made it into the top 300 over the last seven days.

But isn’t that how it works?  Great teams find a way to win even when not playing their best, and this team continues to do so.  This may be a bit closer of a matchup, and Everett Silvertips enters the week as healthy as they have ever been, but I still like Bizarrohawks to advance.  This match is going to come down to goaltending and ancillary stats, like short handed goals.

Prediction:  Bizarrohawks sneaks by 6-5-5, and makes its first appearance in the Anze Cup Finals.

3.  Anzoolander versus 5.  Jesse Loves Paymon (regular season winner – 20-7 for Anzoolander)

Here was have the hottest team from last week versus the team with the most uninspiring victory.  I applaud JLP GM Steve McIntyre for going for it at the trade deadline, but he really didn’t get that much out of his trades, and his team looked awful.  Maybe it is just his shiny head that looks awful, I don’t know. 

But the best part of this matchup isn’t the teams, it is the long tenured relationship of the GMs themselves.  Brothers from another mother, born 20 days apart, been through thick and thin.  One hooked up with the other’s sister, and one drew all over the other’s face (not really a fair trade, but I laughed at both). 

I am looking forward to good banter on the Smack Talk feature on the league page (quietly the most underrated new feature), and can see Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook hunched over his computer like a gorilla slamming the desk when things go wrong, with Steve McIntyre watching StatTracker 10 miles away with a beverage in hand with the same incredulous “Are you kidding me?!?!?” as when he would get runner runner eliminated from a sit-and-go.  This game will come down to one player; Carey Price.  He could literally stand beside the net and allow all shots in for the rest of the season and still win the Vezina.  What a season he has had.  Bert, you are an idiot.   There is no other way to put it.

Prediction:  Anzoolander makes its second Anze Cup Finals appearance in a row, winning 8-4-4.

Good luck to all teams still in it, and God speed.

The Playoffs!!!

We are finally here.  What a thrill ride this weekend was.  So many ups and downs, so close for both the President’s Trophy and the last few playoffs spots each with the teams switching multiple times on Saturday and Sunday (well, maybe Saturday, I was drinking for more than 20 hours of that day (true story) and couldn’t really see anything).

First, congrats to Pete Shpak for making it back to the playoffs to defend the Anze Cup.  And for joining the dumbest club on the planet this weekend.  At least it was super fun.

To Luke, congrats on winning the President’s Trophy.  Personally, I think it is the harder accolade to win, and you had an impressive season having Bert give away his best players to you make strategic moves.  That reminds me, remember when I talked about Bertmetrics in the fourth ever blog post for this league?  Good times.

And to Cole, for finishing ninth in an absolutely spectacular way; losing 13-0 to the then worst team in the league, including losing the goalie categories because you didn’t have enough appearances (that super high bar of “2”).  This is just for you:

9th.

With that, lets take a look at the first round matchups.  Those of you that remember my picks last year, I went 7-0 in matchup picks (prove me wrong).

1.  Bizarrohawks versus 8. 3rd and Luongo to Go (regular season winner – 16-11 for Bizarrohawks)

I don’t see this being close.  3rd and Luongo’s loss of Kane (pick one) is just too much to do much against a fairly healthy Bizarrohawks.  I think goaltending categories will be close, but it just won’t be enough, and Bizarrohawks easily advances. 

Prediction:  Bizarrohawks wins easily, 10-4-2

2.  Super Sperm versus 7.  Everett Silvertips (regular season winner – 8-2 for Super Sperm)

This matchup is going to come down to two things; the Wall and how many players get hurt for the Everett Silvertips this week.  While 3 of the 4 who sat last week because they were all injured the week before that have returned, Everett Silvertips is a bruised and battered team.  Super Sperm on the other hand has been a model of consistency and the team’s workhorses have continually performed and all have 3 or more games this week.  Looking back at prior weeks and matching up totals, these teams are often close when healthy, and while the Everett Silvertips is the only team with two players currently sitting top ten in scoring, Super Sperm has gotten better production from the depth players overall.

Prediction:  Super Sperm eeks this one out, 8-7-1

3.  Anzoolander versus 6.  Halifax Highlanders (regular season winner – 8-6 for Halifax Highlanders)

I think it would be hard to argue there is a hotter team in the league than the Halifax Highlanders, and initially I thought the upset would be a walk in the park.  If anyone has been watching closely, Anzoolander has slowed down a bit, primarily as goals and shots fall in line with what they should be (3rd in goals, 8th in shots is a deviation from the mean).  Anzoolander’s goaltenders have been dynamite though, but so have the crew for Halifax Highlanders. 

And then tonight happened.  What a night for Anzoolander, probably the best night he could put up with 11 points from seven players.  But here is the thing, after that performance, Anzoolander is still tied with the Halifax Highlanders.  This matchup is in my mind could be the best match up of the playoffs, the Gatti Ward of this year’s Anze Cup playoffs.  I am looking forward to pouring myself a full glass of scotch, putting stattracker on the big screen and watching it unfold while I chirp both of the GMs.

Prediction:  Heroic KO in the 7th round, and Anzoolander has a big Sunday to comeback and win 8-4-4

4.  Pistol’s Hellcats versus 5.  Jesse Loves Paymon (regular season winner – 13-9 for Pistol’s Hellcats)

Pistol’s Hellcats is limping into the playoffs as this team attempts to defend the Anze Cup.    Meanwhile, the last time Jesse Love Paymon beat one of teams in the playoffs was week 10 (3rd and Luongo got in on a technicality).  Both teams are already off to mediocre starts offensively, and both have goalies with no real history of success outperforming expectations this week.  Not sure I get the logic of having Skinner in over Duchene while Duchene is on a little bit of a hot streak, but oh well. Should be fun to watch!   Like watching wet cement into a side walk.  At some point, one of their no name goalies has to give, it is just a question of who is first. 

Prediction:  Hammond gives first, Double D stays strong.  Jesse Loves Paymon wins, 7-6-3

Good luck gentlemen.

Season Preview

The draft is over, only one fuck up by Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre, but other than that, everything went pretty well.  Kudos to Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook for participating in the draft in the lobby of an opera, Carmen.  Also, any show about a whore that doesn’t show a lot of fucking is not worth watching.  So Jesse, you are welcome for the excuse to step out.

Lets take a look at each team and where I think they are going to end up.  I am never wrong.

Halifax Highlanders – Not David Dugan’s best effort.  In fact, not anyone’s best effort, even Slappy the retarded squirrel who absent mindedly masturbates.  This team relies on Sidney Crosby, Claude Giroux and….that is about it.  The goalies are old, are were a total statistical anomaly last year (the entire Avalanche franchise was, if you look at possession of the puck as a big thing, which you should, because the Maple Leafs hired a 28 year old as assistant GM to look at crap like that and the Oilers hired a blogger (side note: big mistake that blogger wasn’t me)).  One bright spot may be Cam Talbot, because Henrik Lundqvist doesn’t have much longer.  To live.  He is super old.  Prediction:  Dead ass last and heavy favorite in the Connor McDavid sweepstakes.

Texans – The only team in the league without a 30 goal scorer from last season, and only one clear starter in net.  While I think there is a lot of youthful talent on this team, there aren’t any dominant players (yet).  Don’t think this year will be pretty.  Prediction:  13th, also know as second last.

Kanucks – Why say anything when I can just show you how the season started before it started:

wobble wobble

From Rocket Richard to even playing this season, my how the conversation has changed.  Nothing else memorable exists on this team, which gave away its best player in a preseason trade.  Prediction:  12th, which is a personal best for GM Dave Kitchen

Anzoolander – The lowest number of players with 20 goal scorers and players with 60 points, even with Stamkos back this team may struggle offensively.  Goalies are a question mark, either health wise or playing time wise; John Gibson getting the start on opening night does not bode well for this team.  It isn’t uncommon for teams in the Anze Cup finals to miss the playoffs the following year, and I think this may be that team that regresses.  Prediction:  11th, and on the bright side, the team’s finish is higher than Jesse’s IQ of 10.

Me So Vyborny – Think this team is slowly (like Madmen slowly) coming of age.  Eight 20 goal scorers make this offense much improved this season, but the goalies are a huge question mark.  Think this team might show some signs of life, but GM Matt Meier will probably fuck it up by not adjusting his roster each week, as per usual.  Prediction:  In spite of Matt, still able to finish 10th.  Also a career best finish.

Everett Silvertips – While this team has by far and away the best goalies in the league (seriously, the average starting goalie GAA from 2013-14 for this team is stupid), there are way, way to many question marks on this team which need all of them to pay off for this team to compete.  Don’t see that happening, given GM Court Watson’s skill (or major lack thereof) in the draft, and anticipate this team will miss the playoffs for the second season in a row and everyone will be able to point and laugh at the collapse of a once mighty franchise all because Court is a shitty GM.  You suck Court.  Prediction: 9th, you suck Court.

ChingChong BingBongs – I had to re-rank every team in this league after looking at this team.  I can’t think of one thing I like, but don’t really see one thing I hate.  Watch Heatley end up with Perry and Getzlaf and have a career year.  That would sum up this team.  Prediction:  8th.  Eeeks into playoffs.  Promptly loses.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Old.  And mediocre.  No player stands out here as a dynamic offensive threat (at least this year).  This is a team of complementary players which will do alright, but not enough to get the job done.  How about Cory Conacher.  Going from Steve refusing to trade him when he was hot (his advanced stats were awful) to being cut from the Buffalo Sabres (the worst team in hockey) this preseason, not sitting on this team.  Well done Pete (and Steve).  Goalies are mediocre at best, terrible at worst.  See this team giving a college try, but ultimately not doing much.  Prediction:  7th.  Limps into playoffs, gets kicked out in the first round, and GM Pete Shpak regrets not drinking more out of the Anze Cup when he had hit.

Not Poodle! – Think goalies carry this team.  Pretty far actually.  Offense is just good enough to keep this team alive.  Last season’s rookie Valeri Nichushkin might be the best second year player in the league this year, and the immortal Martin St. Louis will continue to produce.  Prediction: 6th.  Still not very good, but great for Fatty.

Super Sperm – GM Ryan Schauble made an incredibly smart move by bringing in Sean Stock to draft this team given Sean’s ability to carry this team to the playoffs and make them a force year after year.   However, I think that strategy backfired this year.  While this team is stacked offensively, this team easily, easily, has the worst stable of goaltenders in the league.  There are 30 teams in the NHL, and 29 of them have a backup goalie better than Ondrej Pavelec.  The only team that doesn’t is Winnipeg.  PEG CITY.  Prediction:  5th.  Offense carries them into the playoffs, but an off week knocks them out in the second round.

Bizzarohawks – Solid young goaltending, solid young offense.  Really, the worry here is how GM Scott Freeland might fuck it up.  Not setting his roster week 1 is a good start.  Bishop might be exceptional this year, and Max Pacioretty might have a dynamite year as well.  Prediction:  4th.  Team doesn’t quite have the jam to go further than the second round.

Jesse Loves Paymon – Scoring Couture for cheap was huge; look for that guy to make a run at Rocket Richard this season.  Solid roster top to bottom, with the biggest question being the second goalie.  Don’t think Jimmy Howard, or team in front of him, is very good.  However, I think that will be mitigated for the most part all season.  Prediction:  3rd.  Howard fucks this team, eventually.

Third and Luongo to go – The Borg returns!  Ten 20 goal scorers from last season and I think Luongo has a resurgence of sorts down in sunny Florida.  Also, it shows how tolerant I am by rating this team so highly.  Prediction:  2nd.  Annoying everyone.

Flowers in the Cage – Very talented young goalies looking to define themselves this year.  Diverse lineup of both young and old skill players, having the most players with 60 points or more last season.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present your preseason favorite to win the Anze Cup.  Prediction:  1st.  Think this team has the goods, and through a bit of luck and some good management by GM Cole Ballard, think this team can win it all and Cole Ballard can sip his beverage of choice watching his Seahawks every Sunday next year.

Good luck gentlemen, and remember to set your rosters.  Also, remember to pay.  If you don’t pay by end of day tomorrow, you won’t be able to set your starters, drop, trade, add players, do anything.

We Are Live

Hello all!  The league is officially back.  If you didn’t get the invite email, well, it went to the email you have registered with Yahoo!  So check that email.  Idiot.

The trades and transactions and draft order have been updated here so you can see who has which picks and how trades during the year impacted draft order.  PLEASE REMEMBER IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ENSURE THE ACCURACY OF THE DRAFT ORDER AFTER ADJUSTING FOR TRADES.  IF YOU DON’T LOOK AT IT AND IT TURNS OUT WRONG BUT IS TOO LATE TO CHANGE, WELL THEN FUCK YOU.

You can see the updated draft order and trade listing here.

You will note there are now two more rounds in the draft.  As discussed, this is because two more starting Defensemen positions have been added.

Here are the five times that the draft may be scheduled (all in Pacific Standard Time). 

Friday, October 3 at 5 am

Friday, October 3 at 9 pm

Saturday, October 4 at 5 am

Saturday, October 4 at 9 pm

Sunday, October 5 at 5 am

Please email me at puckyourself at live dot com with your ranking of the times from most preferred to least preferred.   You must email by Thursday, September 25 with your list of times or you have no say.  Also, realize that no time is perfect for everyone, so I don’t care about your feedback on the times available.  At all.  Ah, compromise, like when 10 people draw a horse and it ends up looking more like a camel.  Just stop fucking complaining, poor yourself a drink, sit on your left hand to numb it, then jerk off with that hand while you draft so you get the delight of drafting your fantasy hockey team while giving yourself the ‘Stranger’.

Also, new this year is the ability to set your keepers directly in Yahoo!  The date to declare keepers will be 3 days before the date that is ultimately decided to be the draft.  I don’t really totally know how this is going to work yet, but fuck it, lets roll with it.  Once submitted I can set the final draft in the system (I hope).  Don’t get cute and try to keep more than allowed, for the love of god.

Below is what is owed for league dues this year.  This includes outstanding amounts from last year (either due to transactions, or you had a credit from winning something last year).  Payment is due by October 8, 2014.  Failure to pay means you won’t be able to adjust your roster.  Failure to pay by November 1 means your team is seized by the league and given to someone else who is on our league waiting list.   All payments should go through paypal to puckyourself at live dot com, amounts owed are in USD and payer is responsible for any transaction fees.

Anzoolander	65.09
Bizarrohawks	62.00
Captain Chinese	66.00
Dr. Hook	61.11
Everett Silvertips	72.00
Flowers In The Cage	69.50
Halifax Highlanders	60.00
Jesse loves Paymon	65.00
Kanucks	65.00
Me So Vyborny	65.50
Not Poodle!!!	62.50
Pistol's Hellcats	16.53
Super Sperm	43.77
Texans	66.00

We already have two trades approved this week, excited to see the action getting started again.

JM

A new Anze Cup Champion

First, happy Easter;

She has such a great personality

What a Cup.  It came down the last day, and as seems to be the recurring trend, the oldest goaltender in the final took a break mentally the last week and completely fucked over its team.  This year, it was Anzoolander on the losing end.  Pistol’s Hellcats, in it’s second finals in four years, took home it’s first Anze Cup and showed that this team is a continuing force to reckon with, and not one of the loser teams who have never won a cup. 

And now, a note from Pistol’s Hellcats GM Pete Shpak, on his win:

As the 2014 champion of the coveted Anze Cup, I am humbled and honored.  I would like to take this moment to thank employee #250822 for all you do to make this league what it is...I would also like to say you suck; Not only did you not make the playoffs, you went 0-3 in picking the outcome of the all mighty Hellcats. I would also like to thank my opponent for a valiant match.and for trading me the player that provided me with a shutout this final week...that must sting a little.  Miller really fucked you. 

I respect all of you greatly for the continued support of this elite league and I will treat the cup like the brother I never had over the next year. 

And I will store it on a low shelf so I can reach it easily. 

Thank you gentlemen.

Thanks all for a great season.  As a reminder, everyone can now trade to their hearts content in the offseason (pending commissioner approval, of course) and look for the draft lottery results and awards nominations coming out in the next couple of weeks.

Also, for future seasons, I strongly recommend you don’t get a crew from China to give you fantasy hockey strategy; they don’t have much hockey there and unlike intellectual property, you can’t steal the Anze Cup.  Nice Chandler Bing smile.

Until next time.

JM

It All Comes Down to This

Here we are.  The Anze Cup Finals.  The holy grail of fantasy sports.  Coveted by all, obtained by so few.  Last week saw a shocking turn of events, with the Blackhawks looking like they were in the finals as we went to bed Sunday night (some of us, named Jesse, with Paymon) only to have a STAT CORRECTION CHANGE A MATCH SO DRAMATICALLY THAT PISTOL’S HELLCATS MADE THE FINALS.  I don’t know about anyone else, but the first thing I thought when I saw on Monday that Blackhawks had been eliminated was “holy shit.”

Which brings us to a conversation had between two GMs in this league on March 19, 2014;

Pete Shpak:  Stop the league, I win.

Court Watson:  I think Cook will win actually.  Did they have enough booster seats at the restaurant so that you were able to get one and sit at the same height as normal sized people?

And now, here we are, Anzoolander versus Pistol Hellcats.  Jesse Cook versus the guy who has hero-worshipped Cook since he first gazed at Cook’s massive chin at the Boathouse, Pete Shpak.   Let’s take a look at the matchup:

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 4.  Anzoolander – The Hellcat’s snuck into the finals by the skin of their teeth, and really didn’t have a significant challenge on the road to the Cup.  Anzoolander had what was expected to be a battle this past week, but a dominating performance coupled with some managerial mistakes by Super Sperm made for a bit of a yawner.    Due to the Hellcat’s not expecting to be in the finals, they failed to make a roster change, which was moving their hottest player into the active roster.  This could be key, as the Hellcat’s offense was asleep last week.  That, coupled with an active roster spot being used on a player sitting out the remainder of the season, and absolutely terrible goaltenders, makes Pistol’s Hellcats the heavy underdog in this matchup.  

When you look at this matchup in detail, the first thing that jumps out at you is that the Hellcats have no players whose teams are on the playoff bubble and will be playing with wild abandon to make the playoffs.  On the other hand, Columbus, Dallas and Detroit are all fighting for the last playoff spots in their conferences, and Anzoolander has 4 active players from those teams.  In my mind, that will be the difference maker, and that will push Anzoolander and GM Jesse Cook into immortality as an Anze Cup Champion.  That, and his team is way more talented than Pistol’s Hellcats.

Prediction:  Anzoolander loses its Anze Cup virginity the right way, with a win, and Pistol Hellcat’s goes home after being abused for a sloppy second time.  Anzoolander wins, 8-4.  But don’t worry, the shrine with Jesse, with voodoo dolls and all, will still go up at Pete’s new place at Canvas by Omni (it was a non-negotiable part of his recent engagement, from what I am told).

Good luck gentlemen, and god speed.

JM

The Semifinals

If we could make the league playoff format like the NHL, I would, just to call this the Conference Finals, because the Semifinals sounds like something from Court’s house league soccer days.

Last week’s predictions – 3-1

In case you missed last week, you really didn’t miss much.  The teams that were terrible and slipped in solely because better teams fought injuries all year were absolutely embarrassed in the first round.  I mean like Hugh Grant with a male hooker embarrassed.  Terrible.

In a reversal of every year in this league prior to this one, we have three teams from the Prince of Wales conference left and one team from the Clarence Campbell conference.  When I look at the two matchups, I see parallels to this year’s NFL playoffs, where one side is actually the real Super Bowl, and the other is just a side show.

1. Super Sperm vs. 4. Anzoolander – Like the Seattle Seahawks versus the San Francisco fucktards 49ers, this is the real championship in my mind.  Both teams are stacked, and both have the same weakness; terribly suspect goaltending.  Anzoolander is easily the hotter team over the past couple of weeks, with the return of steroid Stamkos and the emergence of Gustav Nyquist (side note: his current pace is not sustainable, but he only needs to keep going a little longer).  When If Anzoolander wins the Anze Cup, will this be like the San Francisco Giants winning with Barry Bonds?  Will there be an asterisk beside this title?  You can’t help the lingering feeling of doubt when someone has their leg severed at the hip comes back twice as fast as the expected recovery time was.  Something just doesn’t seem right, like cheater Adrian Peterson in the NFL.

Prediction:  Jesse Cook and Team Balco move on as Sean Stock’s absolutely horrible goaltending selection this week gets laughed off the ice, 7-4.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 2. Blackhawks – This match is an afterthought really, when compared to the first match, with the Blackhawks slipping in on blind luck.  I fail to see a team whose best offensive player is a d-man moving on, but when the team you are playing is so mediocre, who the hell knows what will happen.

Prediction:  Blackhawks continue their sheer fluke path to the Anze Cup, and somehow Edward Lack is a deciding in determining who will be this year’s Anze Cup Champion.  Blackhawks win 6-5.

Godspeed gentlemen.  You too, Pistol.

Playoffs!

Hello all, I apologize for the absence; I have made the regrettable mistake of being not terrible at my job, which means they ask me to do more work.  I have failed to achieve the perfect mix of success and laziness that I desire.  The backup quarterback is pretty much my idol.

That being said, we simply must have an analysis of the playoffs, so lets dive right into it.

First things first, to the teams that missed the playoffs, you suck.  Especially the Milton whateverthefucktheyarecalled managed by GM Court Watson; horrible effort this season, you clearly fluked out last year and have no idea what you are doing.  To finish second in points scored and arguably have the best goalies in the league (led in wins, GAA and shutouts, third in save percentage) and finish 9th only means one thing: shitty management.  You suck.  Bad.  Hashtag awful.

Now lets move onto the matchups.  If you have been watching this year, you should know there is one thing evident this year; parity.

1. Super Sperm vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon – Congratulations on Sean Stock, GM of Super Sperm for taking home the President’s Trophy as the best regular season team; a difficult task in of itself.  The team is solid offensive, but the goaltending is suspect; with one of their starters this week winning one of his last six and getting shitkicked in half of those losses.  Luckily, this team is playing Jesse Loves Paymon, which is Danish Hebrew for “fucking terrible at fantasy hockey.”   Lets keep in mind that this is the team that held on to Sean Monahan when his advanced metrics were fucking terrible, and instead of selling high, dropped him.  Also, Cam Ward sucks.  Like worst starting goalie in the league sucks.  The numbers don’t’ lie.  Wives do.

Prediction – Sean Stock and Super Sperm waltz into the second round, thumping Jesse Loves Paymon 8-2.

2.  Blackhawks vs. 7. Bizarrohawks – The alter egos face off.  Stick tap to Blackhawks GM Mike Gaunt for not putting Patrick Kane on IR and leaving him in your active roster.  Well played, idiot.  When 90% of your team (just Patrick Kane) is hurt and still on your active roster, you will probably lose.  If you don’t lose, you should still lose.  Luckily, Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland decided to leave a fucking Vezina candidate in IR versus start him; when looking at goalies with over 30 starts and GAA, Bizarrohawks has the best goalie tandem of teams in the playoffs (and second overall), but a lot of good that does if you aren’t playing them.  So, each team has handicapped itself for this week.  Blackhawks are permanently handicapped, while Bizzarohawks can recover next week if they survive.  I think I like Bizarrohawk band of offensive misfits (except Cory Conacher, another JLP fuckup) that I think they can pull this off.

Prediction – The Bizarrohawks advance winning 7-5, and figure shit out in net for next week.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. Halifax Highlanders – I am very interested to see how this match goes.  I think both have a legitimate shot of taking home the Anze Cup, and I think this might be a do or die year for Pistol’s Hellcats.  The key pieces are old all across the board and losing value every game.  Halifax Highlanders finally has a somewhat healthy season, and a couple goalies who, while volatile, can put up some pretty decent numbers.  Varlamov has been a surprise only to idiots, and the Washington Capitals.  So just idiots.

Prediction – The young goalies take down the old dude and the guy from Czechoslovakia that is terrible and Sidney Crosby leads an offense into second round glory.  Halifax Highlanders win 6-5.

4.  Anzoolander vs. 5.  Flowers in the Cage – In November 2010, I wrote the following about Flowers in the Cage (then Sultan HC) (emphasis added):

“Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.”

It is now 2014 and you know what? Ondrej Pavelec is still not the fucking answer. Need proof? Since trading for this terrible excuse of an NHL player (seriously, there is no reason he should even be in the NHL), Flowers in the Cage 8-22.  Puck Daddy also sums it up quite well:

“He's 18-22-4 this season with the Jets, with a 2.97 GAA and a .901 save percentage. He has a career .906 save percentage, “one of the most dismal marks in the game today.” He’s “a risk the Czechs can’t afford” if he’s between the pipes in Sochi. His contract is “the worst decision the Winnipeg Jets have made so far.” He gets social media love letters like this one.”

This team is now literally starting two backups as goalies, which means who the fuck knows what kind of production it will get.  On the other side of this match, Anzoolander has this year’s Martin Brodeur in Ryan Miller (will eventually have a bad week and cost this team the Anze Cup), and a goalie that has never been reliable, though puts up great numbers from time to time.  Offensively though, this team shines, especially with Stamkos back 2 years ahead of schedule from his leg being amputated (god bless performance enhancing drugs…what, you haven’t thought that as well?  Are you ignorant?).  This week, I think Anzoolander’s goalies perform, and their offense will overwhelm Flowers in the Cage.

Prediction – Steamrolled by Steroid Stamkos, Flowers in the Cage wilts in the spring, losing 7-3.

Good luck to all, and lick my balls.

JM

A Message From Our Champion (Finally)

Here it is, one of my personal favorites, the Champion’s letter.  We have had some great ones in the past, lets hope this one can live up to that standard.  It probably won’t, but without further adieu, here is repeating champion, GM Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips:

Do you smell that?  Drink it in.  That is the smell of crisp air.

One day all of you might get to the top like I have, where the air is crisp.

32 minutes.  That is the total amount of NHL hockey I watched this year (complete guess).  I purposely try to watch very little.  Why?  Because if you watch to much, you pick favorites, you get emotional, you suck at fantasy hockey.  Take Steve, he watches a ton, because he sits on his couch a lot, thinks he knows everything about hockey, and has tanked his team (with 8-10 keepers he says!).

So here I am, with the Anze Cup at its rightful home for one more year.  I know all of you see it when I check-in, and it annoys all of you.  And that makes me enjoy drinking out of it that much more.

I am not going to do what this complete asshole does:

Seriously?

No, I am not going to thank people for something I had absolutely nothing to do with, that is just moronic, and stupid. 

This win was all me.  Nobody else.  I did it.  It feels great.  Fuck this era of it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, it is how you play the game.  You know who said that?  A loser.  Winners and losers are 100% self determined, and only winners are willing to admit it.

Kudos to one person, that guy whose name I forgot who saved Super Sperm from Ryan “the Titanic” Schauble.  Well done.  Finally, a worthy adversary.

And for Ryan Schauble and Super Sperm, I have a knock knock joke as my final words (I am assuming you are smart enough to fill in the blanks, I know, very large assumption on my part);

Knock, Knock?

Second Place.

Exactly.

And that is it for this season.  Be on the look out for a post soon on offseason trading, the future draft lottery and all that good stuff.

Not a New Champion

And that is the season folks, with the Everett Silvertips taking home their second in a row Anze Cup, after taking home their second in a row President’s Trophy.  I hope everyone appreciates the dynasty happening before our eyes.  This team made some tough decisions this year, and has even tougher decisions in the future.  But, good teams make tough decisions well, and bad teams are run by Matt Meier.

Big ups to Sean Stock for leading Super Sperm to the finals; impressive for a first year manager and great proof for future managers that may acquire an existing team that great skill can turn around the worst of teams.

There will be some sort of drunk fest over the break to discuss potential changes for the upcoming season and the next season’s draft.  Most likely, inflation will kick in, fees will go up, and that is about it.

Now on to one of my favorite parts of this blog; year end awards.  Let’s take a look at the finalists for each award.  Please take a moment to vote on each in the sidebar over on the right.

Jack Adams – awarded to the best general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Court Watson, Everett Silvertips – Back to back President’s Trophies, Back to Back Anze Cups.  Pretty much not more to say.  Made a bold move dealing Ilya Kovalchuk at the start of the year but it didn’t seem to hurt the team, all while giving this team another early pick in the draft.  Keepers on the team are pretty young, and this team could be a force for a while.

Sean Stock, Super Sperm – Led this team from near death in to the Anze Cup finals this year.  Hats off to a great first year effort, identifying the right talent to get this team from the disaster whatever-his-name managed it to to make this team a serious contender.

Scott Freeland, Bizarrohawks – How many of you know that this team has been in the semifinals in back to back years?  Like a ninja, Scott quietly does thoughtful analysis and puts his team in a position to win.  Like Flowers In the Cage, I root for this team because the GM has passion for this league.  Some of you jack fucks could take notes.

Eugene Adams – awarded to the worst general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Steve McIntyre, Jesse Loves Paymon – Started the year by exclaiming he had a championship team.  Then finished second last.  The exclaimed that he had more keepers than the league allowed.  WTF?  Audacity of hope?  More like audacity of nope.

Matt Meier, Me So Vyborny – Last by a mile and too hesitant to make any moves that would shake up his roster.  Basically, if this team ever wants to get better, Matt needs to completely ignore his gut feeling. 

Mike Gaunt, Dr. Hook – Believes that holding on to Stamkos and Luongo can make this team great, only problem is they have already peaked and this team is still awful.  Good luck on this one.

Andy Kordyban – awarded to the biggest clown/idiot/douche/joker/homo/jew/circus act of the league.

Steve McIntyre – see above.  Had to be joking, but in all seriousness, wasn’t.

Jesse Cook – As always, an active participant, instilling passion in the league trying to become the best, all the while making others laugh at him, not with him.  Remember when he dropped Derek Stepan for Paul Bissonnette?  One lead the New York Rangers in points, the other was a pylon for the Phoenix Coyotes. 

Ryan Schauble – pretended he had any control whatsoever in this league and everyone played along and then talked about how little control he had when he wasn’t there.  Good times.

Voting is open for the next week or so, and coming up: a eulogy for Super Sperm and a message from the Anze Cup Champion, the Everett Silvertips.

Captain Chinese Eulogy: Who’s Raffing Now?

Here is Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook and his eulogy for Captain Chinese.

This was Captain Chinese GM Bert Fong having a gay old time as the last minute of Overtime in the LA/Dallas game took place.

The Fantasy Hockey Gods would not allow a team with so little talent that was so poorly mismanaged to make the Anze Cup Final, and they allowed Jeff Carter to tip in a Mike Richards pass.  Boom.  Roasted.  Season.  Over.

There are some very bad players on this team, but to Captain Chinese’s credit, his goaltending was fairly consistent.  Optimus Reim was a pleasant surprise, and as Carey Price was starting to stink as bad as Steve McIntyre’s dance moves, Brian “The Wall” Elliot was, well, “The Wall.”  The #1 ranked player in the past 14 days, and #4 ranked in the past 30 days, “The Wall” once again showed why he is the single greatest goalie of all-time.  With the spot light on “The Wall” Captain Chinese actually had a chance.

It will be interesting to see what Captain Chinese does in the off-season besides adopting dogs at the SPCA only to eventually eat them.  As it relates to Fantasy Hockey, outside of “The Wall,” Captain Chinese has no keepers.  Maybe Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre can trade Bert one of his 7-8 keepers (this was an email Steve sent that made me simultaneously puke, cry, laugh, piss and shit myself).

While 3-4 teams should be forced to fold as they are an embarrassment to the league itself, somehow Captain Chinese and “The Wall” will soldier on.  Bert will leave us scratching our heads with the rationale behind his trade technique, waiver wire moves and limited math skills that will have us question…is he really Chinese?  There are a few of us who have showered with him after beer league hockey, and we can verify that yes, he willy is Chinese.

See you next season, Captain Chinese, your Fantasy Hockey season is over!