Playoff Preview: Round One

It is that time of year again, springtime. After a hard winter, the hardiest of life is shaping into form. As in life, fantasy hockey is no different. The league has culled the complete losers, and the remaining teams will now battle it out for the Gauntlet.

Spring is personified with change, and this year, that change is bittersweet. No longer the Anze Cup, the championship has a new name in honor of The Krakheads former GM, Mike Gaunt. Everyone knows Mike as a lover of prime rib and red wine who could give as well as he could take. The thing I will always remember about Mike is he read every single word of every single Harry Potter book to his son as his son was growing up, and how Mike said it changed his relationship with his son. I’m glad he was able to beat cancer back, if only for that period of time.

Welcome Rick Grady as the new GM of the Krakheads, you have big shoes to fill.

It’s an exciting time. Significant others of those still in the playoffs get to hear just a little bit more every day about something they could not care less about. And with that, lets look at the first round matchups.

1. Mitch Please versus 8. Zero Hit Wonder (Regular season record: 13-12 for Zero Hit Wonder)

Is there a more apt name for the team managed by GM Ryan Schauble? Low risk, low reward, that team is about as interesting as a treasury bond and like a long-term treasury bond, as the world changes it becomes a liability. This year was different, believe it or not. All but two starters in the top 150 (more than Mitch Please, btw). So where has it all gone wrong? Schawful management. Six goalies on the roster. Six. The best bench player on offense is ranked 251. There are over 25 players who are healthy and available ranked higher. And to top it all off, this team started a player with one knee this week. Doomed to fail. Another year, zero impact. Mitch Please continues to roll on winning the President’s Trophy for best regular season performance. Like any top team other teams will step their game up just a bit to beat this team, but this week that other team won’t have enough. There are whispers of dynasty when this team comes up in one-way conversations between league GMs and their significant others. Paymon just rolls his eyes because Jesse won’t shut the fuck up and play the role of big spoon quietly.

Prediction: Mitch Please over Zero Hit Wonder – 8-6-2

2. The Krakheads versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 7-7)

Veterans and average goaltending, two teams built very similar. One built methodically, one built sacrificing the first three rounds of the draft next year. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook has proven this year his roster building skills through trades are on par with his drafting skills. Maybe the least interesting of all matchups, two teams of players who are past their prime, grinding it out. Teams like these two rely on one thing; volume. The more games, the better the chances. With that, I like Anzoolander in this matchup with 4 more games this week.

Prediction: Anzoolader over the Krakheads – 8-5-3

3. Hellcunts versus 6. Suck My Deke (Regular season record: 14-12 Hellcunts)

If I never hear another word about Tage Thompson I will be a happy man (my pronouns are fuck you/fuck that/fuck off). Hellcunts have a great offensive team. So does Suck My Deke. GM Jody Evans went all in before the trade deadline, selling the future to buy immortality. I love it. I expect the winning team in this matchup to have a GAA of about .650. Awful goalies both of them but as Mike Gaunt once said, “goalies don’t matter.” So we have two teams that will be emotional roller coasters the whole week. It's funny how like dogs, fantasy hockey teams often reflect their owners.

Prediction: Suck my Deke puts up a good battle, but Hellcunts are too prolific on offense, with Hellcunts winning 7-6-3

4. Blades of Steel versus 5. Jesse Loves Paymon (Regular season record: 14-13, Blades of Steel)

Not to diminish other players on Blades, but isn’t the first thing everyone look at on this team is how many games McDavid has (it is three, one against Seattle, which has an average goals against per game of eleventy)? GM Luke Mackinnon continues his ways of making successful trades to round out his roster and this season was no different. The standings probably mask how deep this team is. Conversely, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre has built a boring team that is exactly in the standings where it should be. The only way this even appears close is if Otter has a good week (which has been rare since he was traded) and JLP picks up some goalie categories.

Prediction: Otter does pick up some goalie categories, and it looks closer than it is. Blades of Steel wins 9-4-3

Good luck to everyone.

The Season Starts Now

Welcome to the beginning of the Anze Cup playoffs, or the beginning of the fantasy hockey season if you aren’t a loser.  The matchups are set (I think) and the stakes are high; 5 of the 8 teams in the playoffs have never had the honor of raising the Anze Cup, and this year might be the year one of them enters the halls of immortality.  Lets take a look at the first round playoff match ups:

1. Hatrick Swayze versus 8. Everett Silvertips (Regular season record: 20-6-10 for Hatrick Swayze)
I don’t expect this matchup to be close.  Swayze GM inherited a playoff caliber team, drove it into the ground, and through complete luck, has built the President’s Trophy winner.  Two of his luckiest moves include drafting perpetually underwhelming Elias Lindholm, who suddenly found Jesus on the ice, and, ironically, getting Kucherov for a box of cracker jacks from, ironically, the Everett Silvertips.  Hatrick has deftly taken advantage of the rental concept to build a team stronger than he would have ever been capable of doing, and this is his one shot.  The Everett Silvertips are old, tired, washed up, and probably have some sort of organ failure.  They are basically the Nick Nolte of this league.  Sad.

Prediction:  Over before it starts, Hatrick sleepwalks in the next round winning 12-2-4.  Halifax Highlanders GM Dave Dugan cries a bit, regretting giving up a stacked team many moons ago.

2. Mitch Please versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 17-9-6 for Anzoolander)
Perennial powerhouse Anzoolander limps into the playoffs going up against a team that is turning it on.  None of that matters, wanna know why?  Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan is an Oilers fan.  If there is one thing the Oilers and their fan base know how to do, it is misuse immense talent and lose.  This is going to be a close battle, but I smell an upset.  Or is that the oil sands.  Either way, Alberta sucks.

Prediction: Anzoolander “upsets” Mitch Please 7-6-3.

3. The Champs versus 6. Captain Slanty Eyes (Regular season record: 7-5-4 for The Champ)
At this point Slanty Eyes zipperhead of a GM Bert Fong has done so much to help The Champs’ GM Luke Mackinnon that I would not be surprised if Bert just benches his team this week.  I think Bert has a real shot, only because The Champ is coming into the playoffs as arguably the coldest team (and by arguably, I mean obviously.  Nice President’s Trophy collapse).  I am eager to see the outcome of this one. Also, it would be absolutely hilarious if Bert wins a playoff round, especially against his Trade rapist.  That would be justice.  Hashtag me too.

Prediction: Captain Slanty Eyes with the upset, 7-6-3.

4. Halifax Highlanders versus 5. Three off the Tee (Regular season record: 9-7-0 for Three off the Tee)
Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan managed to take a perennially awful team and turn them into a playoff team his first year back in the league (welcome back, btw).  Three of the Tee GM has been tantalizing close to the Anze Cup, usually at his brother-in-laws watching Jesse drink out of it, but still.  The first thing that jumps out at me for both teams is absolutely nothing.  I mean it, neither team is remarkably and they are both middle of the road.  I am picking the winner of this matchup based on the smell of my fart I am about to let out; rotten egg to Halifax Highlanders, vomit/shit mix to Three off the Tee.

Prediction: Man that was a warm one.  Smelled like an abandoned chicken coop in Chernobyl.  Halifax Highlanders win it, 8-4-4.

For the rest of you losers, congratulations on sucking balls.  Except you Jody, welcome.  Hope you enjoyed it and expecting big things out of you in the future.  For all of you bums, here is your draft picks for next year, as well as dues owed this year.  YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS TO PAY ME VIA PAYPAL at PUCKYOURSELF AT LIVE DOT COM.  Failure to pay will result in a drop in the draft order by one place.   On PayPal, select send money to a friend, and if paying by credit card, you absorb the credit card fees, not the league.  As always, each team gets a certain number of balls in the lottery depending on their finish, as stated in 7.2 of the League Charter:

Draft Pick Team Dues Owed 1 Super Sperm (had 19 balls) $71.50 USD 2 2 Bills 1 Barzal (had 24 balls) $62.80 USD 3 Lokomotiv 2138 (had 14 balls) $85.05 USD 4 Hellcunts (had 29 balls) $101.00 USD 5 Fresh Action (had 9 balls) $63.00 USD 6 Jesse Loves Paymon (had 5 balls) $64.50 USD Thank you all. Best of luck to those in the playoffs. JM

The Playoffs!

Welcome everyone to the 2017 Anze Cup playoffs.  Except for the losers who didn't make it, you suck.  Let's quickly address those teams:

Super Sperm - For the first time in maybe ever, GM Ryan Schauble was finally a seller, and boy, did he suck at it.  One trade for very little.  Hashtag rebuild.  By 2024.

Update: Schauble pointed out he made two trades, which shows how bad he is at this with his unmemorable moves

Hatrick Swayze - Has taken a playoff caliber team to the cellar in just two seasons.  Granted, this team has been decimated by injuries, but so have Anzoolander and Everett Silvertips (or at least, their GMs whine the most about it).  My hats off on trying to change things up; offered Crosby, Anisimov, Toffoli, Kucherov and Carlson for Conner McDavid but was denied.  If Henry McDavid Throreau doesn't win, that will be the reason.

Texans - Still don't know shit about hockey.  Wild boar hunting season starts early this year.  Let's do Ashcroft this year Tex.

Kanucks - Recently read that posting your workouts makes you a narcissistic asshole, which still doesn't explain why GM Dave Kitchen has been so bad for so long, it just explains why he is an asshole.

ChingChongBingBongs - Another year, another season of gifting players to Henry McDavid Thoreau.  You the man.  The Chinaman.

Connor McSaviours - I appreciate the effort GM Ryan Zupan has put in.  If it didn't take him a week to respond to trade offers, this team might go somewhere.  So it won't.

Thank you to all of the above for trying, now fuck off.  With that, let's look at the first round matchups (regular season head to head in brackets): 

1. Pistol's Hellcats vs. 8. Anzoolander (16-9-7...Hellcats!)

Both teams are limping into the playoffs, despite a throughly dominating President's Trophy win by Pistol's Hellcats.  Despite some issues the Hellcats are having, I don't anticipate this match up to be very close; it took another miracle by the Wall just to allow Anzoolander to sneak in.

Prediction: the Hellcats avoid the President's Trophy curse, moving on and winning 9-2-5

2. Lokomotiv 2138 vs. 7. Me So Vyborny (7-5-4 to Loko Ono)

I think this match will be really close.   I don't think either team has a chance at the Anze Cup, they each have more holes to plug than an orgy at the convent, but these teams match up well.  I think goalies decide this one, and I think Me So Vyborny has the better options.

Prediction:  Oh Me So Vyborny me love you long time (until next Monday).  Advances winning 8-7-1

3. Kane and she was Abel vs. 6. Jesse Loves Paymon (10-4-2 for Kane)

Arguably the two worse teams in the playoffs.  Jesse Loves Paymon plummeted from 1st to 6th in the second half of the season, and if it was any longer, probably would have missed the playoffs.  The inability to do any significant trades by GM Steve McIntyre despite him proclaiming this year was the year he was going to make a run is all you need to know about Steve's GM skill.  For Kane, the season started with GM Mike Gaunt complaining about the goalie scoring format being rigged, despite it not changing in 6 years, to basically conceding all goalie categories every week because the goalies are so bad.  Fortunately, Kane has met its match in JLP, whose goalies are equally terrible.  This will actually be close given the comparable awfulness.

Prediction: Kane doesn't get enough goalie appearances to be eligible for goalie scoring, and would have won 9-6-1 but instead loses 8-7-1 4.

Henry McDavid Thoreau vs. 5. Everett Silvertips (7-5-4 for Thoreau)

Probably two of the most intriguing teams this playoff run.  In the near corner, Everett Silvertips ran the gauntlet the final four weeks to make the playoffs against four other playoff teams and beating the 1, 2 and 3 seeds in the process.  The return of Eichel, Huberdeau, and Murray have made this team a force to reckon with, with this team's achilles being the very young and talented goaltending, which may go lights out or may not stop a beach ball.  In the far corner, GM Luke MacKinnon has built a team that was on a torrid pace but slowed dramatically, though it may be coming back to life, thanks to the gifts this team received from the Kanucks and ChingChongBingBongs.  Think this one will be a battle, but think the experience Henry McDavid Thoreau's roster has in the being a heavy favorite and losing every year in the Anze Cup playoffs will push it through.  Don't think turning down the best player in the league and the hottest player in the league hurts this team..yet.

Prediction: Henry McDavid Thoreau waxes poetic all over the Silvertips' face, in what GM Luke MacKinnon hopes is only the beginning of the second verse of his Odyssey.  Henry McDavid Thoreau wins 8-4-4.

Todd and Schauble, pay up you bums.  

Playoff Eulogy: Halifax Highlanders

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the second in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan pays his respects to, well, himself.

Halifax Highlanders – RIP 2015

In a playoff loss that will go down as one of the greatest first round matchups ever, the Halifax Highlanders season ended in the same heartbreaking fashion that the Pittsburgh Penguins season will in a couple of weeks.

Halifax GM David Dugan made quite a splash early in the season when he sent Claude Giroux and Ryan Miller to the Everett Silvertips for Jonathan Quick and David Backes. GM David Dugan thought that having Sidney Crosby and Jonathan Quick would be cornerstones to build on for years to come.  In reality, he hasn’t yet realized that he needs to start more than just 2 positions to win in this league.

This offseason, Dugan plans to reflect on mistakes made as well as reject all the trade requests for Sidney Crosby. At least some GM’s (I’m looking at you Luke Dawg) have the decency to write a few paragraphs trying to explain why Getzlaf for Sid is a good trade for everyone.

Fuck you all I’m still bitter, my team was so hot going into the playoffs.

On the Cusp of Greatness

This is it.  What we all worked for.  What we sweated over.  What we forgo time with loved ones for.  What we ostracize ourselves at pool parties in Palm Springs talking about.  The Anze Cup Finals.  One of the two teams left will take home the Anze Cup. One of these two teams will become immortal.

And second place?  Well, lets get things kicked off this week with a commercial Versus television network made specifically for our league.

Second is the first loser

Lets look at the finals matchup.

1.  Bizzarohawks versus 3.  Anzoolander  (regular season series – 18-7 for Anzoolander)

Based on the Yahoo! ranking, between these two teams, the total number of players in the top 25 from last week is exactly two.  It gets to four over the past 14 days, though Bizarrohawks still keeps its one fringe spot (side note:  if Texans had made the playoffs, they may have crushed everyone).

So what does that mean?  Nothing.  Because in weeks like this, there is no underdog.  There is no favorite.  Passion triumphs logic.  Heart beats the mind.  You have two very well rounded teams and it should be a fun match.  If I had to go just off paper, I like Anzoolander in the match.  They are healthier, they are deeper, they have more games.  Goalie games don’t matter (Bizarrohawks showed that last week) as long as you get two and those two starts put up solid numbers. 

But none of that matters, because a Mika Zibanejed might forever be immortalized with a massive week, Drew Stafford might rekindle his sniper ways for just one week.  You just don’t know.  There is no can’t.  Or won’t.  Or impossible.  If you believe, impossible is nothing. 

Good luck this week gentlemen.  Immortality awaits.

Playoff Eulogy: Super Sperm

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the second in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre pays his respects to Super Sperm.

Super Sperm – RIP 2015

This weeks performance by Super Sperm was outright embarrassing.  The #2 seed was a clear favorite despite what that prick Joe MaGrath recently predicted.  

Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble built quite an impressive team this season.  It was loaded with multiple 30 goal scorers and soon to be 70 point players.  Schauble was even active at the trade deadline, securing goaltending depth to support his hopeful run towards Lord Anze.  His first round result?  An 11-2 drubbing at the hands of the Everett Silvertips.  

This match was never close.  Super Sperm was shooting blanks.  It was as though Tips GM Court Watson performed a 7 day vasectomy on Schauble and it wasn't using today’s no scalpel, no needle procedure.  Watson chose to do things the old fashion way, leaving Schauble with a limp dick, multiple stitches and a scrotum that'll be black and blue for weeks.  Watson will be watching this year’s Masters tournament live from Augusta National.  Schauble will be watching it on TV from his couch while wearing an athletic supporter to hold his ice pack in place.  And since he shoots blanks, he won’t need the cup.  Which is good, because he still doesn’t have one.  A cup, that is.

Good luck with your recovery, Schauble.  Perhaps you should consider a name change for next season.

JLP

Playoff Eulogy: Pistol’s Hellcats

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the first in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.  Up first, Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook pays his respects to Pistol’s Hellcats.

Pistol's Hellcats - RIP 2015

Last year’s Anze Cup Champion, Pistol's Hellcats, bowed out in the first round of this years Anze Cup Playoffs due to a horrific display of goaltending. Though Pistol's Hellcats felt they had the best goalies in the league hands down...well...you clearly didn’t.

Filled with a roster full of has-beens and overrated bums, it was impressive that Pistol's Hellcats made the playoffs. Even more shocking was this squad vying for the President's Trophy until shitting the bed against the worst team in fantasy hockey history, the ChingChong BingBongs, the last week of the season. It was probably God's way of saying to the GM "why are you getting married you stupid fucking idiot." God does work in mysterious ways...so does Santa Claus.

Speaking of God, he clearly loves Jesse Love Paymon more than Pistol's Hellcats.  But then again, his son was a Jew, so that makes sense.

This will be an interesting off-season for Pistol's Hellcats (not the actual GM as his life is now full of boring stories no one is interested in) as the team is at a cross-roads. The team is old...really old and has one good player and the Calder Trophy Winner. Holtby showed he's not a winner, and the rest of the team is just garbage. 

Look for some trades to take place and it is great to see almost all teams engaged in trading this season. You win some, you lose some, and you ChingChong BingBong some. 

The New Fight of the Century

Some people like to think the “Thrilla in Manilla” was the greatest fight of the three bout series between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier.  While that was a good one, the first fight was coined the “Fight of the Century” for a reason.  That fight is a fitting analogy to one of the best fantasy hockey playoff matchups I have seen in a while, mainly because in both the playoff match and the fight, a gorilla prevailed (not because he was black, because that was Ali’s nickname for Frazier, you racist).

It all came down to the last day in this “epic” match (side note: I use epic in quotation marks because the Bubonic Plague was epic, the Crusades were Epic.  Your fantasy hockey matchup, or your workout, are not), right down to the last two minutes of the last two games.  A game winning goal for the Halifax Highlanders, a very real possibility in both games, and they win.  You could almost hear Burt Lancaster scream “The tension, and the excitement here, is monumental!”  In fact, lets just watch that to get everyone pumped up.

What a finish.

In the end, Captain Serious sealed the deal for Anzoolander.  When Jesse Cook was told that Toews just had a game winning goal to save his team, Cook responded, “he didn’t save my team, he just iced the match.  So serious.”

For all the other matchups, the losers were either outmanaged, outmatched, outplayed, or all three.  Pick one.  There were some windows closing on some good teams this season if they couldn’t pull off an Anze Cup, and those windows slammed shut.

With that, lets look at this week’s playoff matchups.

1.  Bizarrohawks vs. 7.  Everett Silvertips (regular season winner – 20-9 for Bizarrohawks)

Everett Silvertips came back to life after a few quiet weeks, leading the entire league in points for the 5th time in the last 7 weeks, easily dominating his opponent.  Still, the weakness here is in net, especially that terrible, god awful goalie for the Canucks, and that will be an uncertainty for however long this team lasts (which won’t be long).  Bizarrohawks on the other hand, put up an awful performance, barely eeking out a win against a team that had its two best players on IR.  So bad is this team playing in fact, that only 2 of the starting offense this made it into the top 300 over the last seven days.

But isn’t that how it works?  Great teams find a way to win even when not playing their best, and this team continues to do so.  This may be a bit closer of a matchup, and Everett Silvertips enters the week as healthy as they have ever been, but I still like Bizarrohawks to advance.  This match is going to come down to goaltending and ancillary stats, like short handed goals.

Prediction:  Bizarrohawks sneaks by 6-5-5, and makes its first appearance in the Anze Cup Finals.

3.  Anzoolander versus 5.  Jesse Loves Paymon (regular season winner – 20-7 for Anzoolander)

Here was have the hottest team from last week versus the team with the most uninspiring victory.  I applaud JLP GM Steve McIntyre for going for it at the trade deadline, but he really didn’t get that much out of his trades, and his team looked awful.  Maybe it is just his shiny head that looks awful, I don’t know. 

But the best part of this matchup isn’t the teams, it is the long tenured relationship of the GMs themselves.  Brothers from another mother, born 20 days apart, been through thick and thin.  One hooked up with the other’s sister, and one drew all over the other’s face (not really a fair trade, but I laughed at both). 

I am looking forward to good banter on the Smack Talk feature on the league page (quietly the most underrated new feature), and can see Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook hunched over his computer like a gorilla slamming the desk when things go wrong, with Steve McIntyre watching StatTracker 10 miles away with a beverage in hand with the same incredulous “Are you kidding me?!?!?” as when he would get runner runner eliminated from a sit-and-go.  This game will come down to one player; Carey Price.  He could literally stand beside the net and allow all shots in for the rest of the season and still win the Vezina.  What a season he has had.  Bert, you are an idiot.   There is no other way to put it.

Prediction:  Anzoolander makes its second Anze Cup Finals appearance in a row, winning 8-4-4.

Good luck to all teams still in it, and God speed.

The Playoffs!!!

We are finally here.  What a thrill ride this weekend was.  So many ups and downs, so close for both the President’s Trophy and the last few playoffs spots each with the teams switching multiple times on Saturday and Sunday (well, maybe Saturday, I was drinking for more than 20 hours of that day (true story) and couldn’t really see anything).

First, congrats to Pete Shpak for making it back to the playoffs to defend the Anze Cup.  And for joining the dumbest club on the planet this weekend.  At least it was super fun.

To Luke, congrats on winning the President’s Trophy.  Personally, I think it is the harder accolade to win, and you had an impressive season having Bert give away his best players to you make strategic moves.  That reminds me, remember when I talked about Bertmetrics in the fourth ever blog post for this league?  Good times.

And to Cole, for finishing ninth in an absolutely spectacular way; losing 13-0 to the then worst team in the league, including losing the goalie categories because you didn’t have enough appearances (that super high bar of “2”).  This is just for you:

9th.

With that, lets take a look at the first round matchups.  Those of you that remember my picks last year, I went 7-0 in matchup picks (prove me wrong).

1.  Bizarrohawks versus 8. 3rd and Luongo to Go (regular season winner – 16-11 for Bizarrohawks)

I don’t see this being close.  3rd and Luongo’s loss of Kane (pick one) is just too much to do much against a fairly healthy Bizarrohawks.  I think goaltending categories will be close, but it just won’t be enough, and Bizarrohawks easily advances. 

Prediction:  Bizarrohawks wins easily, 10-4-2

2.  Super Sperm versus 7.  Everett Silvertips (regular season winner – 8-2 for Super Sperm)

This matchup is going to come down to two things; the Wall and how many players get hurt for the Everett Silvertips this week.  While 3 of the 4 who sat last week because they were all injured the week before that have returned, Everett Silvertips is a bruised and battered team.  Super Sperm on the other hand has been a model of consistency and the team’s workhorses have continually performed and all have 3 or more games this week.  Looking back at prior weeks and matching up totals, these teams are often close when healthy, and while the Everett Silvertips is the only team with two players currently sitting top ten in scoring, Super Sperm has gotten better production from the depth players overall.

Prediction:  Super Sperm eeks this one out, 8-7-1

3.  Anzoolander versus 6.  Halifax Highlanders (regular season winner – 8-6 for Halifax Highlanders)

I think it would be hard to argue there is a hotter team in the league than the Halifax Highlanders, and initially I thought the upset would be a walk in the park.  If anyone has been watching closely, Anzoolander has slowed down a bit, primarily as goals and shots fall in line with what they should be (3rd in goals, 8th in shots is a deviation from the mean).  Anzoolander’s goaltenders have been dynamite though, but so have the crew for Halifax Highlanders. 

And then tonight happened.  What a night for Anzoolander, probably the best night he could put up with 11 points from seven players.  But here is the thing, after that performance, Anzoolander is still tied with the Halifax Highlanders.  This matchup is in my mind could be the best match up of the playoffs, the Gatti Ward of this year’s Anze Cup playoffs.  I am looking forward to pouring myself a full glass of scotch, putting stattracker on the big screen and watching it unfold while I chirp both of the GMs.

Prediction:  Heroic KO in the 7th round, and Anzoolander has a big Sunday to comeback and win 8-4-4

4.  Pistol’s Hellcats versus 5.  Jesse Loves Paymon (regular season winner – 13-9 for Pistol’s Hellcats)

Pistol’s Hellcats is limping into the playoffs as this team attempts to defend the Anze Cup.    Meanwhile, the last time Jesse Love Paymon beat one of teams in the playoffs was week 10 (3rd and Luongo got in on a technicality).  Both teams are already off to mediocre starts offensively, and both have goalies with no real history of success outperforming expectations this week.  Not sure I get the logic of having Skinner in over Duchene while Duchene is on a little bit of a hot streak, but oh well. Should be fun to watch!   Like watching wet cement into a side walk.  At some point, one of their no name goalies has to give, it is just a question of who is first. 

Prediction:  Hammond gives first, Double D stays strong.  Jesse Loves Paymon wins, 7-6-3

Good luck gentlemen.

The Semifinals

If we could make the league playoff format like the NHL, I would, just to call this the Conference Finals, because the Semifinals sounds like something from Court’s house league soccer days.

Last week’s predictions – 3-1

In case you missed last week, you really didn’t miss much.  The teams that were terrible and slipped in solely because better teams fought injuries all year were absolutely embarrassed in the first round.  I mean like Hugh Grant with a male hooker embarrassed.  Terrible.

In a reversal of every year in this league prior to this one, we have three teams from the Prince of Wales conference left and one team from the Clarence Campbell conference.  When I look at the two matchups, I see parallels to this year’s NFL playoffs, where one side is actually the real Super Bowl, and the other is just a side show.

1. Super Sperm vs. 4. Anzoolander – Like the Seattle Seahawks versus the San Francisco fucktards 49ers, this is the real championship in my mind.  Both teams are stacked, and both have the same weakness; terribly suspect goaltending.  Anzoolander is easily the hotter team over the past couple of weeks, with the return of steroid Stamkos and the emergence of Gustav Nyquist (side note: his current pace is not sustainable, but he only needs to keep going a little longer).  When If Anzoolander wins the Anze Cup, will this be like the San Francisco Giants winning with Barry Bonds?  Will there be an asterisk beside this title?  You can’t help the lingering feeling of doubt when someone has their leg severed at the hip comes back twice as fast as the expected recovery time was.  Something just doesn’t seem right, like cheater Adrian Peterson in the NFL.

Prediction:  Jesse Cook and Team Balco move on as Sean Stock’s absolutely horrible goaltending selection this week gets laughed off the ice, 7-4.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 2. Blackhawks – This match is an afterthought really, when compared to the first match, with the Blackhawks slipping in on blind luck.  I fail to see a team whose best offensive player is a d-man moving on, but when the team you are playing is so mediocre, who the hell knows what will happen.

Prediction:  Blackhawks continue their sheer fluke path to the Anze Cup, and somehow Edward Lack is a deciding in determining who will be this year’s Anze Cup Champion.  Blackhawks win 6-5.

Godspeed gentlemen.  You too, Pistol.

Playoffs!

Hello all, I apologize for the absence; I have made the regrettable mistake of being not terrible at my job, which means they ask me to do more work.  I have failed to achieve the perfect mix of success and laziness that I desire.  The backup quarterback is pretty much my idol.

That being said, we simply must have an analysis of the playoffs, so lets dive right into it.

First things first, to the teams that missed the playoffs, you suck.  Especially the Milton whateverthefucktheyarecalled managed by GM Court Watson; horrible effort this season, you clearly fluked out last year and have no idea what you are doing.  To finish second in points scored and arguably have the best goalies in the league (led in wins, GAA and shutouts, third in save percentage) and finish 9th only means one thing: shitty management.  You suck.  Bad.  Hashtag awful.

Now lets move onto the matchups.  If you have been watching this year, you should know there is one thing evident this year; parity.

1. Super Sperm vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon – Congratulations on Sean Stock, GM of Super Sperm for taking home the President’s Trophy as the best regular season team; a difficult task in of itself.  The team is solid offensive, but the goaltending is suspect; with one of their starters this week winning one of his last six and getting shitkicked in half of those losses.  Luckily, this team is playing Jesse Loves Paymon, which is Danish Hebrew for “fucking terrible at fantasy hockey.”   Lets keep in mind that this is the team that held on to Sean Monahan when his advanced metrics were fucking terrible, and instead of selling high, dropped him.  Also, Cam Ward sucks.  Like worst starting goalie in the league sucks.  The numbers don’t’ lie.  Wives do.

Prediction – Sean Stock and Super Sperm waltz into the second round, thumping Jesse Loves Paymon 8-2.

2.  Blackhawks vs. 7. Bizarrohawks – The alter egos face off.  Stick tap to Blackhawks GM Mike Gaunt for not putting Patrick Kane on IR and leaving him in your active roster.  Well played, idiot.  When 90% of your team (just Patrick Kane) is hurt and still on your active roster, you will probably lose.  If you don’t lose, you should still lose.  Luckily, Bizzarohawks GM Scott Freeland decided to leave a fucking Vezina candidate in IR versus start him; when looking at goalies with over 30 starts and GAA, Bizarrohawks has the best goalie tandem of teams in the playoffs (and second overall), but a lot of good that does if you aren’t playing them.  So, each team has handicapped itself for this week.  Blackhawks are permanently handicapped, while Bizzarohawks can recover next week if they survive.  I think I like Bizarrohawk band of offensive misfits (except Cory Conacher, another JLP fuckup) that I think they can pull this off.

Prediction – The Bizarrohawks advance winning 7-5, and figure shit out in net for next week.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. Halifax Highlanders – I am very interested to see how this match goes.  I think both have a legitimate shot of taking home the Anze Cup, and I think this might be a do or die year for Pistol’s Hellcats.  The key pieces are old all across the board and losing value every game.  Halifax Highlanders finally has a somewhat healthy season, and a couple goalies who, while volatile, can put up some pretty decent numbers.  Varlamov has been a surprise only to idiots, and the Washington Capitals.  So just idiots.

Prediction – The young goalies take down the old dude and the guy from Czechoslovakia that is terrible and Sidney Crosby leads an offense into second round glory.  Halifax Highlanders win 6-5.

4.  Anzoolander vs. 5.  Flowers in the Cage – In November 2010, I wrote the following about Flowers in the Cage (then Sultan HC) (emphasis added):

“Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.”

It is now 2014 and you know what? Ondrej Pavelec is still not the fucking answer. Need proof? Since trading for this terrible excuse of an NHL player (seriously, there is no reason he should even be in the NHL), Flowers in the Cage 8-22.  Puck Daddy also sums it up quite well:

“He's 18-22-4 this season with the Jets, with a 2.97 GAA and a .901 save percentage. He has a career .906 save percentage, “one of the most dismal marks in the game today.” He’s “a risk the Czechs can’t afford” if he’s between the pipes in Sochi. His contract is “the worst decision the Winnipeg Jets have made so far.” He gets social media love letters like this one.”

This team is now literally starting two backups as goalies, which means who the fuck knows what kind of production it will get.  On the other side of this match, Anzoolander has this year’s Martin Brodeur in Ryan Miller (will eventually have a bad week and cost this team the Anze Cup), and a goalie that has never been reliable, though puts up great numbers from time to time.  Offensively though, this team shines, especially with Stamkos back 2 years ahead of schedule from his leg being amputated (god bless performance enhancing drugs…what, you haven’t thought that as well?  Are you ignorant?).  This week, I think Anzoolander’s goalies perform, and their offense will overwhelm Flowers in the Cage.

Prediction – Steamrolled by Steroid Stamkos, Flowers in the Cage wilts in the spring, losing 7-3.

Good luck to all, and lick my balls.

JM

Not a New Champion

And that is the season folks, with the Everett Silvertips taking home their second in a row Anze Cup, after taking home their second in a row President’s Trophy.  I hope everyone appreciates the dynasty happening before our eyes.  This team made some tough decisions this year, and has even tougher decisions in the future.  But, good teams make tough decisions well, and bad teams are run by Matt Meier.

Big ups to Sean Stock for leading Super Sperm to the finals; impressive for a first year manager and great proof for future managers that may acquire an existing team that great skill can turn around the worst of teams.

There will be some sort of drunk fest over the break to discuss potential changes for the upcoming season and the next season’s draft.  Most likely, inflation will kick in, fees will go up, and that is about it.

Now on to one of my favorite parts of this blog; year end awards.  Let’s take a look at the finalists for each award.  Please take a moment to vote on each in the sidebar over on the right.

Jack Adams – awarded to the best general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Court Watson, Everett Silvertips – Back to back President’s Trophies, Back to Back Anze Cups.  Pretty much not more to say.  Made a bold move dealing Ilya Kovalchuk at the start of the year but it didn’t seem to hurt the team, all while giving this team another early pick in the draft.  Keepers on the team are pretty young, and this team could be a force for a while.

Sean Stock, Super Sperm – Led this team from near death in to the Anze Cup finals this year.  Hats off to a great first year effort, identifying the right talent to get this team from the disaster whatever-his-name managed it to to make this team a serious contender.

Scott Freeland, Bizarrohawks – How many of you know that this team has been in the semifinals in back to back years?  Like a ninja, Scott quietly does thoughtful analysis and puts his team in a position to win.  Like Flowers In the Cage, I root for this team because the GM has passion for this league.  Some of you jack fucks could take notes.

Eugene Adams – awarded to the worst general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Steve McIntyre, Jesse Loves Paymon – Started the year by exclaiming he had a championship team.  Then finished second last.  The exclaimed that he had more keepers than the league allowed.  WTF?  Audacity of hope?  More like audacity of nope.

Matt Meier, Me So Vyborny – Last by a mile and too hesitant to make any moves that would shake up his roster.  Basically, if this team ever wants to get better, Matt needs to completely ignore his gut feeling. 

Mike Gaunt, Dr. Hook – Believes that holding on to Stamkos and Luongo can make this team great, only problem is they have already peaked and this team is still awful.  Good luck on this one.

Andy Kordyban – awarded to the biggest clown/idiot/douche/joker/homo/jew/circus act of the league.

Steve McIntyre – see above.  Had to be joking, but in all seriousness, wasn’t.

Jesse Cook – As always, an active participant, instilling passion in the league trying to become the best, all the while making others laugh at him, not with him.  Remember when he dropped Derek Stepan for Paul Bissonnette?  One lead the New York Rangers in points, the other was a pylon for the Phoenix Coyotes. 

Ryan Schauble – pretended he had any control whatsoever in this league and everyone played along and then talked about how little control he had when he wasn’t there.  Good times.

Voting is open for the next week or so, and coming up: a eulogy for Super Sperm and a message from the Anze Cup Champion, the Everett Silvertips.

Welcome to the Anze Cup Finals

This is what everyone worked for, but only two teams have a chance of obtaining.

I can only imagine that for both, the emotions are similar to this:

There is no better sport for commercials about the playoffs. None.

Fuck, are NHL playoff commercials the best or what?

Don’t know if anyone was watching, but with 42 seconds left in the last game of the week, Super Sperm needed either a GWG that was also a PPG or the team’s +/- to increase by 2, or else they were out.  And sure enough, Mike Richards to Jeff Carter at even strengh in overtime provided that boost, and into the finals Super Sperm goes.  Lets take a look at the final matchup

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 5. Super Sperm

Between these two teams you have the last three President’s Trophy winners and the top overall scoring team versus the top goal scoring team in the league this season.  In what looks to be a shoot out, this matchup will come down to three key facets:

1. Goaltending – Both teams have struggled to show consistent goaltending, though as of late the Everett Silvertips have consistently been one of the best teams in the league.  GM Ryan Schauble, in what can only be another demonstration of his GM prowess (or lack thereof), failed to make any significant moves to improve his goaltending before the trade deadline, and it almost cost him in the semifinals.  Their numbers last week were embarrassing.

2.  Power play points – Although Everett Silvertips outscored Super Sperm 353 to 328 in total points, the ‘Tips lack in points with the man advantage.  28.3% of the ‘Tips points came on with the man advantage, while Super Sperm saw 37.2%.  In a tight matchup, those two extra scoring categories could be the difference maker.

3.  Terrorists – Those two fucktards in Boston almost cost the Everett Silvertips this past week as a result of the Bruins’ games being postponed, but that could end up being a benefit this week, as the Bruins extend their season one extra day.  That could be one extra goalie start, and the ‘Tips have 34 offensive starts to Super Sperm’s 31 in the final week.

In the end, I am going to make a John Madden like prediction and say that the team that scores the most points usually wins.  Given the hot streak of Super Sperm as of late, I think they are going to take the Anze Cup for the first time.  Super Sperm over Everett Silvertips, 8-5-3.

Some thoughts:

1.  Jesse Cook has changed jobs and become a Real Estate Agent.  This will probably mean an increased focus on fantasy hockey, now that he has the same amount of free time as a teacher, or Pete Shpak, which is to say that it is a lot.

2.  Speaking of which, with all that free time, why is Pete Shpak so bad at fantasy hockey?

3.  If Super Sperm wins, GM Ryan Schauble should probably award Adam Oates the MVP trophy.

4.  Pekka Rinne looked like sausage pasta this past week. 

5.  Brian Elliot, aka “The Wall” finally hit one of his own.  Thank god.  If Bert won, I would flip the table and exit the room.  Bert was 42 seconds from the Anze Cup finals, and if that had happened, it would have been all but a lock.

6.  Cole Ballard, in the true spirit of anyone who has just been eliminated from the playoffs, went golfing this week in Phoenix.  Lucky.

7.  It will be interesting to see if the shitty teams stay silent during the offseason trade period; in speaking with a lot of the GMs, they have this notion they can rebuild using the draft.  This must be based on the fact that in theory that 1) the best 84 players are already held by the teams in the league and 2) their past track record indicates great drafting.  Yeah, that is why they suck.

8.  I do know there will be some absolute gems in the draft next season, but I think the teams at the bottom won’t know who they are.

9.  Remember when GM Steve McIntyre said he had a really good team at the start of the year.  About that….

10.  I need nominees for the Andy Kordyban, Jack Adams and Eugene Adams awards this year.  Please leave any potential nominees in the comments below.  Again, I stress nominees, not winners.  One year, I posted nominees for the Jack Adams, and Steve McIntyre flipped shit over one of the nominees like they were the winner.  I guess that makes sense, when your entire life you only walk accidentally ass backwards into any victory in your life, and don’t understand what winning actually is.

11.  The Masters.  If only it was every week.

12.  The four teams in the semifinals all had weak goaltending, which may indicate that goaltending doesn’t matter, but when you look closer, 3 of the 4 had winning records in almost all goaltending categories throughout the season.  Goaltending matters.  Significantly.

13.  Of course, that means GM Steve McIntyre recently pondered aloud if he would be keeping any of his goalies.

14.  To which, GM Court Watson pondered aloud if there is any player on Steve’s team who is worth keeping at all.

15.  I just found out the NBA playoffs have already started.  What a bad sport.  So boring.

16.  Rumor has it a jersey was delivered to Matt Duchene this past week.  That jersey was a Gabriel Landeskog jersey, and was at the request of Court Watson.  One can only guess what it might come back saying.

17.  Court hopes that it comes back this week, for some good ju-ju.

18.  I wish I still received drunken voicemails about the league.  Like this one:

19.  I debated making a coffee table book of the best of this blog, but then I realized it could never top Cosmo Kramer’s book.

20.  In all seriousness, it is amazing that Sean Stock has been able to repair the damage done by Ryan Schauble and take Super Sperm to the finals.

Power Rankings: Week 22

We are in the final week of the regular season, and for some of you, it couldn’t end sooner.  You suck.  Your team was perfectly depicted in Kevin Ware’s leg exploding on Sunday (I actually couldn’t watch that video).  Actually, maybe your team is worse.

1. Kanucks (2)

2. Super Sperm (3)

3. Bizzarohawks (1)

4. Captain Chinese (8)

5. Anzoolander (7)

6. Everett Silvertips (4)

7. Not Poodle!!! (10)

8. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

9. Texans (9)

10. Flower’s In the Cage (5)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)

14. Me So Vyborny (14)

Some thoughts:

1.  Only one team has secured a playoff spot, which is the lowest total we have ever had in the final week.  The difference between 4th and 9th is 10 points, or five wins.  I love watching the playoff picture change everyday.

2.  Normally, teams all the way in the cellar are still in it, but teams 11 through 14 (you know who you are) have brought in a particularly pungent level of stank into this season.

3.  Like redhead muff stank.

4.  Crosby took a puck to the face on Saturday, effectively ending Crosby’s Concussions season.  Maybe change the name to not describe an injury to the only player on your team that should be in the NHL, you know, for karma’s sake?

5.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon is pissed this guy isn’t on waivers yet:

6.  Steve was also recently spotted in Columbus cheering on his awful new goalie:

7.  Fuck is Steve bad at fantasy hockey.  Bad.  Bad.  Bad.

8.  This year, the Everett Silvertips are all but a lock to win the President’s Trophy.  GM Court Watson is not happy about this.  Court is weary of the curse of winning the President’s Trophy and how no team who has won goes on to win the Anze Cup.

9.  Except the Everett Silvertips last year.  Court is feeling a bit better now.

10.  Seriously, prior to last year, the last time the President’s Trophy winner took home the Anze Cup was 2005.

11.  Amazingly, that was the Rat Portage Thistles, managed by none other than Court Watson

12.  The lowest seed to ever win?  The eighth seeded Amish Rake Fighters in 2009, winning in a tiebreaker over the Texans.

13.  True story that has nothing to do with fantasy hockey.  In 1998, Anzoolander’s GM Jesse Cook’s sister found a wallet in the water in Deep Cove.  That wallet had an ID in it that gave Jesse the power to walk into places like the Wild Coyote and Fraser Arms (classy, I know) as a 19 year old.  Once 1999 came around and it was no longer needed, that ID was passed on to Court, who then used that ID to get into places in San Antonio, Texas like Midnight Rodeo as a 21 year old until 2001.  The person on that ID?  Phineas Page.  Jump to 2013, and who does Pistol Hellcats GM Pete Skpak end up going to a bachelor party in Aspen with?  Phineas Page.  Coincidence?  Yes.  Fantasy Hockey implications?  Absolutely.

14.  If you haven’t heard about it, Ryan Schauble runs a majors golf pool that is pretty fun.  WTF else are you going to do once you are out of the playoffs for this league?  Watch baseball?  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

15.  If none of those interest you, I recommend www.kateuptondancing.com; hours of enjoyment.

16.  After moving Marian Hossa out of IR into a roster spot prematurely, instead of moving Cam Ward into the IR spot, JLP dropped Viktor Stalberg.

17.  Stalberg is ranked higher than 9 of 16 players on offense for JLP.  Seriously, it just keeps getting better for this team.

18.  Goaltenders will play a huge part of the fantasy playoffs; there has been a lot of disruption from historical norms in goaltender stats; I don’t think anyone is very comfortable with how steady their current goaltending tandem is come next week.

19.  For instance, the second best goalie in the last 30 days is a backup on Pittsburgh and will be on the bench going forward, and the best goalie on the team sitting atop this league’s standings is now in the minors.

20.  Seriously, this list is hilarious; Devan Dubynk and Evgeni Nabakov are top ten goalies going in the playoffs.

21.  Pekka Rinne eeks in at 23, and Jon Quick isn’t even on the first page.  Halak and Elliot are both terrible.  Madness.

22.  With what happened last night in Minnesota, Brian Elliot may determine the winner of the Anze Cup.  I have a gut feeling about this, and I am usually right.  We are in for a perfect storm.

23.  Fuck me, I think Captain Chinese is now my pick to win the Anze Cup.  Unfucking berievabre.

24.  A lot of teams have goalies as keepers that are getting on in years.  I imagine they will continue to keep them until they die, rather than trade them for prospects.  I call this the Calgary Flame syndrome.  Not really similar to how the Calgary Flames operate, other than shitty team management.

25.  There is a potential for the NHL trade deadline to have some major impact on fantasy hockey teams.

26.  Like last year, it probably won’t.  The trade deadline is often overhyped, and under delivers.

27.  Flowers in the Cage had less total points last week than his opponent had assists.  He started Justin Peters thinking he was Pete Peters.  The team is imploding at the wrong time.  Craig Anderson really needs to come back.

28.  I still believe Cole, I still believe.

29.  The fact I just said CRAIG ANDERSON needs to come back makes me believe just a little less.

30.   Apologies for the week effort, studying is killing my creative spirit.

On the Cusp of Immortality

This is it, what every team has worked towards, and only two teams get a shot at; the chance to hold the Anze Cup high above their heads, and celebrate a crowning achievement.  For most, winning the Anze Cup is considered the greatest day of their lives.

Before we look at the final match, lets do a quick recap of the the Anze Cup semifinal matches.

1. Everett Silvertips over 6. Bizzarohawks

It was a great run for the Bizzarohawks, but in the end, the team went cold at the worst time.  GM Scott Freeland even went to Phoenix, by himself, to cheer on his goaltender, insert generic name here, but it wouldn’t be enough.  Still, it was a great run of this upstart and has to be a positive note for a team that historically struggles in this league.

5.  Flowers in the Cage over 2.  Kanucks

Wow, what an upset.  I mean seriously, wow.  Despite the bad goaltending that was predicted, Flowers in the Cage had a mammoth week offensively, and it was enough to hold off another great performance by the Kanucks.  It looked like it was going to be Kanucks year, and GM Dave Kitchen would be able to hold his head high without name dropping Ryan Blair (who the fuck cares?) or perfecting the humblebrag.  When you say “not bragging, just saying” bragging is exactly what you are doing.  It is kinda like me saying I don’t mean to be an asshole, but I reported your Facebook account as spam.  I actually mean to be an asshole, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Here we are, but before we get to the final, a vignette of past Anze Cup winners and what it means to them:

What the Anze Cup means…

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 5. Flowers In The Cage (Season series 17-12 for Everett Silvertips)

This is a Anze Cup of firsts.  It is the first time two of the original three teams have competed in the finals.   It is also the first time GM Cole Ballard has taken a team to the finals as his teams have always fallen short have finished third a record three times.  You have a team in Everett Silvertips that is struggling offensively and a team in Flowers in the Cage with awful goaltending.   I expect this matchup to be close.  Flowers in the Cage has more games to be played, but relies on fewer NHL teams to do so; a slow week for either team could hurt them.  On the other hand, Everett Silvertips decided to start 3 players from one of the lowest goal scoring teams in the league.  In deciding who wins, really the only thing to fall back on is the empirical data.  Both team’s offensive units have to turn around at some point, which would give the upper hand to the Silvertips.  Hell, it is the Anze Cup playoffs, and either team could win easily or scratch and claw one out.  That is why I love this game.

Prediction:  Everett Silvertips becomes the first President’s Trophy winner to hoist the Anze Cup since 2005, winning 7-5-4.

Good luck to both teams.  Glory awaits.

Where the Air is Crisp

Only four teams remain as we enter the semifinals.  As a testament to how difficult it is to get here we only need to compare the four teams to last year.  Only one team from last year’s final four made the final four this year, and the other three didn’t even make the playoffs at all last year.   Congrats gentlemen on making it this far and elevating yourselves above all others, where the air is crisp.

Let us look back on the first round matchups, on which my predictions where 2-2, though just barely, and were almost 4-0

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon

Steve giving some tips to his team before the games on Sunday

I predicted an upset, and if GM Steve McIntyre wasn’t the biggest idiot on the planet, that probably would have happened.  Leaving an empty starting roster spot is inexcusable, which is totally supported by Steve’s idiotic excuse;

“I was on vacation.”

This is an idiotic excuse for multiple reasons.  First, being on vacation means you have even more time to look at this while you drink your beverage of choice each evening (with Steve, I am guessing rye and Coke Zero).  Second, Steve owns a smartphone, and a smartphone built for idiots, so he could have set his lineup on his phone.  Third, he picked up a player to put in the roster spot while on vacation, which means he did actually have time, he was just an idiot.  Jussi Jokinen tore it up on Sunday, and his numbers would have given JLP the victory.  Instead, Steve is an idiot and the clear, CLEAR, front runner for the Eugene Adams award.

Somewhere, right now, Jesse Cook is thanking his lucky stars that his drafting Jimmy Howard on accident in the first round is being replaced as the stupidest move in this league’s history.

2. Kanucks vs. 7. Anzoolander

Really nothing to see here, other than I was off a tad; I predicted 10-4, it was 9-4.  Kanucks are still on fire and the clear front runner.  GM Jesse Cook failed to get out of the first round yet again, making it three years in a row.  I would recommend he change his team name to Zoolechkin, as it is probably better to compare himself to a loud-mouthed show-boater who can’t clutch up in the playoffs, versus a phenom who lets his play do all the talking.

3. Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 6. Bizarrohawks

I said this match would be close and Pistol’s Hellcats would come back to win on Sunday.  They didn’t.  Shitty goaltending let Pistol’s Hellcasts down.  With 17 seconds left in the final game for players on either team, and a tie score (with Pistol’s Hellcat’s holding the second tie breaker), David Legwand scored an empty net power play goal, and Pistol Hellcat’s fantasy season came to an end similar to how Taylor Hall’s actual season did:

Buh bye.

See you next year Pistol Taylor.

4. Clarence Swampton vs. 5. Flowers in the Cage

Another one I got right, Keeper Luongo failed miserably, and so did Clarence Swampton.  Ironically, a shutout by the Flower against Philly on the last day would have eliminated Flowers in the Cage, but that didn’t happen.  The hotter team prevailed.

Let us now turn the the similar finals on the road to the Anze Cup.

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 6. Bizzarohawks (Season series: 20-6 for the Everett Silvertips)

Bizzarohawks are hot, but I don’t think they are hot enough.  Everett Silvertips led the league in scoring during the quarterfinals without real contributions from two key players, Tyler Seguin and Ilya Kovalchuk, and an injury to another, Taylor Hall.  Any life from either of those three makes this team hard to beat, and the Bizzarohawks goaltending has been suspect as of late.  It was good enough to win last week against a team with awful goaltending (Re: Jimmy’s Journey), but Mike Smith will have to step it up this week.

Prediction:  Like all playoff matches, this will be close, but the Silvertips advance, winning 8-5-3

2.  Kanucks vs. 5. Flowers in the Cage (Season series: 10-3 for Flowers in the Cage)

I was going to do a write up, but then was surprised how easy it was to find a video of a lamb being slaughtered, so I just linked to that:

Lamb = Flowers in the Cage

Prediction:  Kanucks keep steamrolling into the Anze Cup finals, 10-2-4.

Good luck gentlemen.

So It Begins

Why we are here.

 

We have four new teams this year in the playoffs, and the teams that won their conferences last year finished dead last and second dead last.  To those that made it, congratulations.  To those that did not.  You suck.  Seriously.  You are bad.  Let’s looks at the first round matchups.

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Jesse Loves Paymon (Season Series: 16-10 for the Everett Silvertips)

Everett Silvertips come in fresh off claiming the President’s Trophy while Jesse Loves Paymon sneaks in losing three of the last five weeks and with 8 players either DTD or on IR.  There are only five statistical categories that Jesse Loves Paymon outperformed the Everett Silvertips in this year.  Everything points to a certain first round victory for the Everett Silvertips, except for the curse of the dead presidents.  Yes, I just made that up.

The last time the President’s Trophy winner won this league was 2005.  The last time the President’s Trophy winner got out of the first round alive was 2008, and that was because it was a bye (though later, Everett Silvertips’ GM Court Watson’s old franchise, Ottawa HC would lose in the final).  There is no reason, besides logic, which means nothing, to assume it won’t happen again.

Prediction:  JLP moves on in a Cinderella victory, 7-6-3.

2.  Kanucks vs. 7. Anzoolander (Season Series: 18-9 for the Kanucks)

If anyone witnessed what happened this week, the Kanucks put up arguably the best single week performance in the season, if not in league history.  They are firing on all cylinders like the 2007 New England Patriots, and Anzoolander is going to have to come out firing to keep up.  It looks like Jonathan Toews may come back just in time to tee it up with the rest of Anzoolander after this coming week. 

Prediction:  Kanucks continue the torrid pace and are the clear Anze Cup favorite, winning handily 10-4-2.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 8.  Bizarrohawks (Season Series: 13-13)

This will be an interesting matchup and the winner will almost assuredly be decided by goaltending, with each team struggling in that area as of late.  Big concern for Pistol’s Hellcats is that they may live and die by the Ottawa Senators.  A slow week, and the offense might struggle.  This will be an interesting matchup to watch, as the winner is a toss up and either team can make a long run in the playoffs.  In the end, I think I like Pistol’s Hellcats’ goaltending better, and they move on to the next round.

Prediction:  Pistol’s Hellcats come back on Sunday to win 8-5-3.

4.  Clarence Swampton vs. 5.  Flowers in the Cage (Season Series: 15-12 for Clarence Swampton)

It is the the real life Flower in the cage versus the team Flowers in the Cage.   Their teams line up eerily similar, even down to the pair of French-Canadian goalies.  Flowers in the Cage in the hotter team, and I like them to move on in this matchup.

Prediction:  Martin Brodeur finally fucks Clarence Swampton, and Flowers in the Cage moves on 9-3-4.

If anyone has any questions of tie breakers or reseeding, don’t waste your time asking me, I have no fucking idea.  Good luck gentlemen.

Power Rankings: Week 21

The most unique thing about this year?  It is the first year where the playoff picture isn’t in flux daily.  Maybe the 9th or 10th seed can sneak in, but it isn’t nearly as close as last year.  Keep an eye on Jesse Loves Paymon, Flowers in the Cage and Me So Vyborny, as they will be fighting over the last two playoff spots.  Lets look at who is looking good heading into the playoffs and who might potentially be making trades prior to the deadline to give themselves a better chance at immortality.

1. Kanucks (3) – Team continues to role benefiting from the trade rape mentioned last week.  Has to be the frontrunner come playoff time.

2. Bizzarohawks (9) – Huge week last week to vault into the top four in the standings.  I said I liked the direction of this team a few weeks ago, and I for one would not want to seem them in the first round.

3. Everett Silvertips (2) – This team seems to meander along without any dominating performances, and lost a key part of this team in Tuukka Rask to injury for all the playoffs.  I fully expect to see this all but certain President’s Trophy winner making a first round exit in the tradition we have become accustomed to.

4. Clarence Swampton (7) – Big win when it was needed.  Other teams should be worried about seeing this team in the playoffs if the goalies are hot.

5. Anzoolander (12) – Got screwed out of a win last week, and is holding on for dear life.  With Toews and Downie banged up and Ryan Miller a mental liability, I don’t know if this team will get past their franchise best first round of the playoffs.  GM Jesse Cook is managing like rookie using the active roster for players on IR.

6.  Pistol’s Hellcats (1) – Anyone else watching Howard getting hurt every few weeks and wondering if this team has any resiliency whatsoever?  Heaven help this team in the first round if Carey Price has a good week.

7. Flowers in the Cage (4) – Bad loss this past week after Cole Ballard touted himself as a Jack Adams candidate for his comeback, lets see if he jinxed himself enough to get knocked out of the playoffs completely.

8. Me So Vyborny (5) – Impressive last week.  Can’t recall seeing that much offense being offset so well by that bad of goaltending to lose.

9. Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – Not only did this team lose when it needed to win, it lose with awful numbers.   If this team sneaks into the playoffs, it may be like a bye round for its opponent.

10. Not Poodle (8) – Making a last ditch run at making the playoffs, but it may be to little to late.  What surprised me most about this team is that it had made the playoffs before.

11. Captain Chinese (10) – How has this team ever made the playoffs?

12. Texans (11) – I guess it really doesn’t make sense for a bunch of Texans to be in the playoffs.  They can’t even skate.

13. Crosby’s Concussions (13) – For anyone who forgot about this, www.kateuptondancing.com cures all fantasy blues, even being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs with the regular season still in process.

14. Super Sperm (14) – Also mathematically eliminated, and overall, a depressing year for this defending President’s Trophy team.  Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson hopes this isn’t the start of a new tradition, but then starts laughing and realizes it is because Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble is awful at Fantasy Hockey.

Playoff predictions next week.  Good luck gentlemen.

JM

Another New GM in the Halls of Greatness

Two juggernauts enter the Anze Cup finals this week, Jesse Loves Paymon squeaking by in a closer than it looked matchup, and Pistol’s Hellcats continuing to dominate.  Once again, a league virgin is in the playoffs, congratulations to GM Pete Shpak.  Just like in real life,  it took GM Steve McIntyre a ridiculously long time to lose his virginity; this time, it is fantasy hockey playoff virginity, as he takes his first playoff appearance ever into the finals.  The Anze Cup is being cleaned as we speak so that the winner will get to notice how much better beer tastes out of the Anze Cup versus a regular glass (hint: a lot).   This matchup is pretty evenly matched and will come down to one thing:  Pistol’s Hellcats has 60% of their offense from two teams.  If those teams go into a slump, the Anze Cup will be raised by Jesse Loves Paymon.  If they go gangbusters this week, GM Pete Shpak will be holding the Anze Cup high above his head (and at our eye level).  I love the final week of March.  The Anze Cup will be crowned, March Madness will come to an end, the Masters is one week away, and the Bigger Dance is about to start.  Prediciton:  Canucks and Red Wings have a slow week, and Jesse Loves Paymon raises the Anze Cup out of Pete Shpak's reach.  Best of luck, gentlemen.

For the most part, the 2011-12 draft has been figured out, and you can see it on the league transactions and trades workbook (see sidebar).  Changes to draft order as a result of trades have been referenced as applicable.  GMs are responsible for ensuring changes in draft order are correct.

As the year winds down, it is time to vote on a couple of awards.  Lets take a look at the awards and the nominees.

Jack Adams Award

This award is given to the GM adjudged to have contributed the most to his team's success.  This year we have two nominees, Anze Cup finalist Pistol Hellcat's and the playoff dark horse and semifinalist Everett Silvertips.  Pete Shpak of Pistol's Hellcats deftly assembled a powerhouse through trades and waiver acquisitions.  The question is, did he overpay for a championship year and sacrifice his long term future?  With only two picks in the first four rounds next year, this team might be a little to reliant on too few players for years to come.  Meanwhile, GM Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips made many moves that led to constant mockery and some pitiful statistics, but he stuck to his vision and ended up with a team that was top 3 in scoring in the last eight weeks of the league.   Juggling of plugs in net became an issue (but, ironically, did not lead to this team's downfall), but, with Hall and Tavares and half of this team's draft picks next year in the first four rounds, has Watson put this team in position to be a long term powerhouse?

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Eugene Adams Award

This award is given to the GM who had the least to do with his team's success, or made the biggest impact in preventing them from being successful.  Named after Jack's retarded step brother who couldn't say no to a cool glass of antifreeze.  The first nominee, Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon,  thought his team sucked at the draft, and wanted a redo.  He then made 8 moves.  So he had a shitty team (so he thought) and then did nothing about it, and is in the finals.  The other is Siberian Bert Fong of Captain Chinese, who sat on two overperforming goalies with decent (and by decent, I mean shitty) offense, and instead of selling high on either, did nothing and had a quick exit in the first round (Bert was last seen building a railroad in northern Canada).

[polldaddy poll=4805130]

Andy Kordyban Award (a.k.a "The Duke of Fantasy Hockey trophy")

This prestigious award can be given out for several reasons, because like its namesake, this trophy covers so many areas.  Should it go to Scott Freeland for incredible bad luck?  Should it go to Cole Ballard for his Eeyore like mentality?  Should it go to Ryan Schauble for studying the numbers like the Duke studies Hasting Park handicap and walking away still lacking any clue whatsoever?  Dave Kitchen for his complete lack of comedic timing or funny bone?  Or, should it go to Jesse Cook for his well timed humour at the expense of others (even though, like the Duke, we are laughing at Jesse, not with him)?  Let the voice of the people be heard.

[polldaddy poll=4805181]

Happy voting people.

The Road to the Anze Cup

What a Sunday that was.  Even the match that wasn’t even close ended 7-6.  First time I have ever seen a match end in a tie as well, with season head-to-head record being the tiebreaker.  Three of the matches came down to the last 2 minutes of the last game on Sunday, Calgary versus Anaheim.  In one match, a game winning goal by Glencross or Bourque would have given Anzoolander a win, but instead Pistol Hellcats took it on a tie.  In another, Teemu Selanne’s late third period assist pushed Jesse Loves Paymon into the lead, when a tie would have eliminated this team from the playoffs.  In yet another, if the final goal had been Visnovsky to Perry, Super Sperm might not be competing in the consolation bracket, also known as the Spanky Cup.

Lets look at this week’s semifinal matchups.  I was 2-2 in last week’s predictions, though I could just have easily been 4-0.

Pistol’s Hellcats vs. Malkin in the Middle – Can Jack Adams nominee Pete Shpak lead his team to the Anze Cup finals?  Based on how this team started the year, it would be pretty miraculous.  Both MITM and PH put up similar numbers this past week, so look for this to be a dead heat all the way to end.  Both have the same number of games offensively, though PH has one more from a d-man, and MITM has one more from a forward.  That could be the difference maker.  Prediction:  MITM goes to the finals and Sidney Crosby is in the starting lineup when he gets there….7-6-3

Jesse Loves Paymon vs. Everett Silvertips – Can  The magical ride continues for the come-out-of-nowhere Silvertips?  JLP won their season bout handily, but the Silvertips only have five players from that matchup on their active roster.  This is a matchup of the best team statistically during the year and the hottest team.  It is only a matter of time before performance returns to the statistical mean, so I gotta go with the powerhouse.  Prediction:  Everett Silvertip’s band of plugs in net spontaneously combust and JLP waltzes into the Anze Cup finals…10-4-2

For teams competing in the Spanky Cup, keep in mind that tournament has no bearing on your finish in league standings as far as the draft lottery is concerned.  You finish is calculated by the round you were eliminated and your playoff seeding; the higher the seed, the higher in the standings (i.e., Super Sperm was a one seed, and gagged like Jesse on Paymon’s pork sword, was knocked out in the first round with four teams remaining, so that team finished fifth).  The lottery for playoff teams who did not make the Anze Cup will be done after this week.  Contrary to what Bert thinks, because he is an idiot, teams not in the Anze Cup playoffs are locked out of free agency to make the most players available to teams still in the Anze Cup, and to stop shenanigans.

Good luck to all still in this beauty.