2013-14 Season Preview

The draft is just a few hours away and already the air is electric, like my personality.  We have had one of the busier off-seasons in league history, primarily because the entire league doesn’t want Milton Icehawks GM Court Watson to win again.  And he licks balls.

Some of the trades this offseason have been good, some have been hilariously bad.  Lets take a look at the teams this year and a prediction of the year to come.

Milton Icehawks – Last year’s roster brings back a very young core of keepers and has four picks in the first two rounds to build out the rest of the team.  The key to success last year was picking up players coming off down years in the draft, but that is going to be harder this year as more GMs appear to finally be paying attention to this league.  GM Court Watson is still a huge dick, so nothing is new there.  On hearing that he licks balls, Court logically replied, “I may lick balls, but at least I don’t hunt dick.”

Prediction:  Given the competitive nature of this league and the general jealousy malice directed toward this specific team and GM, I don’t believe they have a realistic shot at a three peat, and will be on the losing end of a first round playoff route. 

Super Sperm – Co-managed by Sean Stock last year, this team went from horrible to decent under the new management.  Problem is, that management is gone, similar to Pekka Rinne’s shine.  It is always enjoyable seeing what GM Ryan Schauble will do given his blatant biases that only he doesn’t realize he has.  Kudos on his first trade of the season, ditching Jeff Carter for a draft pick.  A draft pick, I might add, that is about two rounds higher than players with similar output to Jeff Carter will go for in this year’s draft.

Prediction:  This team will start strong out of the gates, but with a combination of conservatism and confirmation bias, this team will fizzle come playoff time with a exit in the Anze Cup semifinals.

Bizzarohawks – After a promising season last year, kicked off this season with the following correspondence from GM Scott Freeland:

“How do I see my fucking roster again?”

And before I can respond:

“Never mind I found the fucking button.”

If this is his first correspondence, I cannot tell you how excited I am.  Nobody can entertain with angry rants like Scott can, and they have been absent for too long. 

There was when he made this famous rant, which isn’t even his best.

“I started the season in last place and somehow remained there and despite trades, picking up, and dropping players, it really didn’t seem to matter! I figured the reigning league champion was right there next to me so it’s not all bad. Well, after a few key trades and religiously watching stat tracker like a complete loser last year's champ, Court “Bill Nye” Watson, made his way to the top while I sat in the cellar wondering how my team could suck ass week in and week out.”

I like the effort Scott has put in, I like that it is starting to pay off, and I like he kicked off the season with a stupid fucking trade.  Welcome back Mr. Freeland.

Prediction:  Another year with a big run, and this year it almost pays off.  A loss in the Anze Cup finals leads to a epic Freeland tirade and we all live happily ever after.

Captain Chinese – I had to actually call Yahoo! support when I saw this team finished fourth last year.  I think this team is terrible, and that is already considering this year’s draft, because GM Bert Fong is horrible at this. 

Prediction:  Captain Chinese exits in the first round after somehow backing into the playoffs and continuing to defy logic.

Flowers In The Cage – Finished fifth, and even though GM Cole Ballard is one of the three original GMs, he was flummoxed at the draft process, which hasn’t changed in three years.  Not a great omen for this season.  Hopefully this team competes this year, but I think the current team as is is in the sunset of its career; Cole tends to manage his team like it is a fantasy football team, which means few trades until the last ditch playoff push, and holds on to the juggernauts too long.  Might work in fantasy football, where one trade happens per year and the outcome of the league is pretty much set at the draft because it is stupid (my team sucks and I am bitter, FYI), but it doesn’t work here.

Prediction:  Flowers In The Cage is golfing come late March.

Kanucks – Congratulations to GM Dave Kitchen on have a healthy baby girl this month, this league will be that much harder with two kids I am told.  I would make jokes about Dave and doubling his odds of being a grandpa in the next 14 years, but he has more estrogen in him than a serial killer and gets easily offended and fails to understand where the joke is directed, so I won’t.  This team benefited mightily from the great sell-off of 2013 by Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre, and has a roster full of young talent that, with a couple of good draft picks, could almost make up for the fact that this team has no goalies, even though goalies account for 35% of all points.

Prediction:  Kanucks take the President’s Trophy, make it to the Anze Cup semifinals, and lose convincingly.

Not Poodle!!! – Matt Welsh made arguably the worst trade I have ever seen in my life this offseason.  He traded two draft picks for old balls and mediocre balls.  Then he tried to drop one of the people he traded for, after the deadline.  I think we already have our Eugene Adams award winner.  Well done.

Prediction: Has this team ever made the playoffs before?  Seems like nobody would even notice.  This year, they finish first last.

Anzoolander – GM Jesse Cook is desperate to win at something, anything, as he thinks it might no longer be cool to talk Burnett possible (it stopped being cool 2 years after he graduated).  Made a deadly move in acquiring Steven Stamkos, but gave up some talent to do so.  However, in giving up talent, he diversified his team among more real NHL teams, which is rule #42.a in Court Watson’s guide to dominate fantasy hockey (kept under lock and key at all times, except when Court is taking a shit, then it is being read).  The draft will be key for this team, as they desperately need a goalie that isn’t awful or on an awful team.  Right now this team has one goalie who is both awful and on an awful team.   Luckily, Jesse is a realtor, and like his days as a model, so far it is pro bono and he has tons of free time, so he will be focused on this league six hours a day.

Prediction:  This is the year.  He might sell his entire team in the future, but Cook gets the goalie he needs to allow him to lift the Anze Cup.

Texans – Another year, another first overall pick.  What a Jew GM Chris Thomas is.    Lets see if he screws it up and drafts Mackinnon.  This team has keepers whose names everyone recognizes, but I can’t see wanting any of them.  I can’t explain it, I like each player, but for some reason fantasy wise they just aren’t as valuable.

Prediction – Somehow this team makes the playoffs and gets the first overall pick, despite that being technically impossible.

Halifax Highlanders – Love the new team name, and like the team.  I think a good draft can push this team into the upper echelons of the league and be a force to reckon with.  This team even has a spoke person who did a rant on how the Halifax Highlanders are going to lay the beat down on all teams in the league based out of Vancouver (in weather metaphors, naturally)

You don’t even need to try really to see the real intent.

Prediction – A promising season is cut short in the first round of the playoffs.  Sad face.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Rumor is GM Pete Shpak is going to draft only goalies and force others to trade.  That has been Chicago Blackhawks strategy since they joined the league.  Has worked out well for them.

Prediction - If Pete is that dumb, which I don’t think he is, then this team misses the playoffs.  If Pete is smart, this team could make a run for the Cup.  I go with the former.

Jesse Loves Paymon – When someone hands you a gift, despite every attempt to fuck it up, it is pretty hard to fuck it up.  GM Steve McIntyre laughed hysterically at Not Poodle!!! after robbing them, and laughed even more at Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook going ape shit, dumbfounded by the trade even existing.  I admit, I chuckled a bit at that too.

Prediction – Playoffs.  Just Kidding.

Chicago Blackhawks – Like a public university, this team is taking on lessor talent because they of their racial profile.   While I applaud dealing Stamkos finally in hopes of getting better, I would have expected several additional picks in the upcoming draft to turn one player into two or three, instead of turning two players into two players who, combined, will have relatively the same output.

Prediction:  There is no affirmative action in this league and therefore you will not advance based on the color of your team.  Maybe Tiger Woods will give this team some lessons.

Me So Vyborny – The worst team by record, and second worst by management (JLP takes first worst there).  Going to need a couple drafts to make an impact, and to not listen to Cole anymore.

Prediction – Will be solely focused on real hockey come the end of our regular season.

Good luck tonight gentlemen.  Test your systems to make sure they work now.

Power Rankings: Week 19

Happy trade deadline day everyone! We had some fast and furious action by some teams in the last few days which added some excitement to the league. Unfortunately, almost nobody in the playoffs did anything of substance, which means they are hoping their current team is enough. It isn’t. Lets take a look at this week’s rankings.

1. Bizzarohawks (1)

2. Kanucks (3)

3. Super Sperm (9)  

4. Everett Silvertips (4)

5. Flower’s In the Cage (2)

6. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

7. Anzoolander (5)

8. Captain Chinese (7)

9. Texans (8)

10. Not Poodle!!! (10)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (14)

14. Me So Vyborny (13)

Some thoughts:

1.  Super sperm is peaking too early.  And their GM, Ryan Schauble, is too bad to realize this.

2.  After having a couple flights in coach (shudder), I am back in first class.  And drunk.  Life is grand.

3.  After being labeled as the worst GM ever, Jesse Love Paymon’s GM Steve McIntyre traded awesome, long term talent for a guy with a concussion and a guy who can’t play more than 10 games without something breaking and a guy who sucks as a goalie on a shitty team.  It isn’t irony, it is just further evidence.

4.  Said GM Jesse Cook of the Bizzarohawks of the recent moves by JLP. “They should be required to change their name, as neither myself or Paymon should be associated with that train wreck of a team.”

5.  I chuckled when I heard that.

6.  Sean Stock is co-GMing Super Sperm.  So far, I have heard nothing from him.  I can only imagine it is because he is panicking after getting his cock stuck in Schauble’s ear.

7.  Just kidding Sean Stock, I love you.  No I don’t, go fuck yourself.  Steve says you suck as a commissioner.

8.  His words, not mine.

9.  Both Anzoolander and Captain Chinese are suffering from goaltender malaise in St. Louis.  This is actually a big deal for both, because both have a pretty decent team (except for Captain Chinese) and the lack of two quality goaltenders may hurt their chances at making the playoffs.  I expect one of the two to come back and be a stud during the playoffs, but in the meantime, to ensure they actually made the playoffs and had a shot at the Anze Cup (moment of silence, holy angels sound), they should have shored up that position in the short term.   Both were offered Jake Allen, and both passed.  Jake Allen just got a shutout.  Somewhere, GM Court Watson is chuckling.

10.  Still chuckling.

11.  GM Cole Ballard made a move that just boggles me.  I am too lazy to look up his spelling, so I will just go by my nickname for him, but Paved Vag, the goalie for the Atlanta Thrashers, is just awful.

12.  The fact it took so long for GM Matt Meier to even agree to that trade shows why he is last.

13.  This might not be the year for Flowers of the Cage, just like every year.  Then again, it might be.  I am rooting for this team.

14.  Kanucks absolutely trade raped Jesse Loves Paymon.  I could not be more bullish on this team.  The trade rape is even better because GM Dave Kitchen is a crossfit trainer, so you know he is gay, which means he enjoyed raping his brother in law on multiple levels.

15.  See my advanced breakdown of the trade here:

16.  Chris Kunitz is either right behind Steven Stamkos or tied with him for most goals scored.  Kids, this is a perfect example of not selling high and trading him to preserve your team long term.  Take note.

17.  In all seriousness, for fucks sakes Dr. Hook, do something to be a fantasy team with more than two players.

18.  It is amazing the number of people who would rather have a first round draft pick, which is technically the seventh round, versus guarantee a top 3 player on their team.

19.  No wonder one team has four championships.

20.  Remember that time when Bizzarohawks Scott Freeland ripped into me for making fun of him trading Brian Elliot, and then Elliot almost won the Vezina the next year?

21.  Good times.

22.  The first side bet of the league was made a few weeks ago; where Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson and Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble put 20 down on who would have more points by season end (barring injury); Jeff Carter or Brad Boyes.  This stems from a trade offer, where Brad Boyes and a 4th rounder was offered for Carter and a 6th rounder, because lets be serious, neither is a keeper, unless you are Schauble and are really bad at fantasy hockey.

23.  Spoke to a couple of GMs who didn’t want to be named.  They said the two teams they are most scared of are Super Sperm and the Everett Silvertips.  Super Sperm because there is a chance that being clueless could pay off, Everett Silvertips because of  the depth and shrewdness of the GM.  All GMs laughed for an extended period of time when asked about Jesse Loves Paymon.

24.  That includes Steve McIntyre, who asked to be anonymous.

25.  The meal in first class was exceptional tonight.  Almost as good as the eleventy Crown and ginger ales.

26.  For a brief stint, Paul Bissonnette made it on a the roster of a team in this league.  In Anzoolander’s defense, he was on a point streak, but that quickly disappeared after GM Jesse Cook chirped “Biznasty” on twitter:

27.  If you are asking why Jesse would call himself Tom on Twitter, wouldn’t you if you were gay AND a Canucks fan?

28.  I am super annoyed at how many different radio stations play the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore.  All different genres.  They are ruining it.  Ruiners.

29.  I keep seeing everyone getting all excited about a defensemen getting forward eligibility for fantasy hockey.  Why?  Who wants to put a defensemen in a forward slot?  Is that really your best option?  Are people that bad at this?

30. Jesse Loves Paymon, Anzoolander, Me So Vyborney, Not Poodle!!, Dr. Hook, Pistol’s Hellcats; who are teams that will be golfing in three weeks.

Jimmy’s Journey: From an accidental 1st round draft pick to the subject of trade rape

How do I know when I have done my job related to this blog?  Fuck you, I don’t have to do anything.

Anyway, always glad to see contributions from League GMs.  Here is Crosby’s Concussion’s GM Dave Dugan reminiscing about his time with Jimmy Howard during his lunch hour.  He told me writing this got his creative juices flowing, felt refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the day.  See what contributing can do?  And I let you do it for free.

“I felt compelled to blog about Jimmy Howard, who has been on my team since 2009. Jimmy has been the catalyst for some of the biggest news in Go Puck Yourself history, so here goes:

Jimmy Howard burst onto the Go Puck Yourself scene in 2009, when he was “accidentally” drafted #9 overall by GM Jesse Cook. Accident or not, Steve McIntyre summed it up best “that was the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my life. How he can make fun of me for not knowing how to use a computer after that stunt is beyond me. Jesse is a joke, or an idiot, or both. Yeah, he is a joke idiot.” Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for GM Jesse Cook in 2009, he drops Jimmy Howard, right before he becomes a star goaltender, for Brian Elliot (Editor’s note:  Please always refer to Elliot by his proper nickname, the Wall).  Mr. Howard was picked up off waivers by GM David Dugan. GM Jesse Cook’s drafting and dropping of Jimmy Howard were considered the #1 and #3 worst moves in fantasy hockey in 2009 as voted on by the committee, which consists of one egotistical maniac in Seattle (Editor’s note: we had a real vote with real GMs.  Those moves were awful.  Also, get it right; I am an egotistical asshole). 

As we entered the 2010 GPY draft the GM’s all watched with abated breath as GM Jesse Cook drafted #5 overall…….Henrik Sedin.  Nobody criticized that pick quite like Howard in 2009. Jimmy Howard was welcomed back by GM David Dugan who drafted him #30 overall; he fell 21 picks from 2009. Ironically enough, the #9 overall pick in 2010 was Daniel Sedin.

2011 ushered in new beginning in GPY history as the idea of keepers was introduced. Jimmy Howard was welcomed back as a keeper by GM David Dugan who entered the season a clear underdog thanks to Sidney Crosby’s concussion. On January 7^th , 2011 the trade heard round the world (at very least the trade heard about by 14 guys scattered throughout Western Canada, Seattle, Cleveland and Pittsburgh) occurred when Jimmy Howard was sent packing to Pistol’s Hellcats in return for Daniel Sedin. Jimmy Howard leads the league in wins (24), has a .924 save% and a 2.05 GAA. Howard is the Red Wing’s MVP so far and has blossomed into one of the best goaltenders in the NHL.  Daniel Sedin has 18 Goals, 29 Assists, a +15 rating and is on pace for 273 shots on goal and could be a contender for league MVP. Time will only tell how rapey this trade truly is (Editor’s note: super rapey).

GM David Dugan is sad to see Jimmy Howard go, as he was once thought to one of the building blocks of his team for years to come. GM David Dugan wishes Mr. Howard the best of luck in all of his future endeavors and would like to welcome Daniel Sedin, who along with Sid Crosby (when healthy) could be a powerful 1-2 punch in the years to come.”

Still laughing at the Joke Idiot.

Power Rankings: Week 13

There have been many famous rapes in history.  Britney Spears singing “I Love Rock and Roll” in Crossroads, Jesse Cook being bent over by Paymon..wait, that was consensual.  Anyway, the list goes on and on, and this week we get to add another rape to the list.  A trade rape.

Daniel Sedin is not even at his peak, he has a long career ahead of him.  He is the #1 ranked player in fantasy hockey.  You would think that any competent manager could trade him for almost anyone and get another player or two or improve a future draft.  At the very least, a fair trade is straight up for anyone. 

Instead, GM Pete Shpak dealt a crushing blow to the Hellcat’s and swapped him for Jimmy Howard.  On top of that, he GAVE AWAY a bag of marbles.  I am not kidding, Neuvirth is Czech for bag and Roloson is Ukrainian for marbles.  I looked it up.  It is true.

So this is a clearly a trade rape, but we will argue for minutes what kind of trade rape is it.  Is it a trade rape to protect the team and make everyone stronger like Mary MacGregor taking it in Rob Roy?  Or is it a trade like Bijou Phillips in Havoc with Anne Hathaway watching, where you almost think she did it for fun?  The argument may be never ending, but trade rape is still trade rape, and Pistol got trade raped.  Hard.

Let’s take a look at the power rankings this week, including what each manager said they would have given up for Daniel Sedin if GM Pete Shpak had not been shooting for the Eugene Adams award.  As always, these are actual quotes from actual GMs.

1.  Anzoolander (Previously: 1) - “I hate Vancouver, but I can’t say no to the best player in fantasy,  I would have given up Henrique, Benn and Halak for him, all keepers obv.”

2.  Everett Silvertips (4) - “Quick, Bernier and Mike Richards for Sedin.”

3.  Me So Vyborny (2) - “Patrick Sharp.  Wait, what?   Patrick Sharp is old and hurt?  Shoot, I don’t know then, how do I look at my team?  Do I still have Kessel?”

4.  Kanucks (6) - “Malkin and Lehtonen.  And a free crossfit foundation course.”  Ok, I made that last sentence up.

5.  Captain Chinese (5) – I didn’t ask GM Bert Fong, because there is nothing of value on this team.

6.  Not Poodle (9) – “Niemi and Keith, only because I am getting tired about Duncan talking about how Court is his best friend.”

7.  Flowers in the Cage (12) – “I would give up every Capital I have for Sedin, that is how desperate I am.  With my luck Sedin would blow out his knee first game I had him.”  Ahh, Eeyore.

8.  Clarence Swampton (11) – “Luongo and Schenn.”

9.  Crosby’s Concussions (9) – “Have you ever seen Scott Freeland when he wins and hand in Poker or sees extreme violence on television and laughs hysterically like a complete asshole?  I have done that at least once a day since this trade happened.”

10.  Jesse Loves Paymon (13) – “Ward and Marchand.  Maybe swap my 2nd for his 5th if he rejects the first offer.”

11.  Bizzarohawks (10) – “Lupul and Mike Smith.  Like I know what the fuck I am doing.”

12.  Super Sperm (14) – “I would give up Ovie, maybe swap some picks.  That trade was focking ghey.”

13.  Texans (7) – “Heatley and Vokoun.” 

14.  Pistol Hellcats (3) - “Pass the Vaseline, please.”

I just might turn off commenting so Pete can’t get the last word (drives him nuts). 

Side note: sucked in to all the teams that got dinged on pretty significant injuries this week, there were some doozies:

Me So Vyborny (Patrick Sharp, upper body, indefinite)

Everett Silvertips (Jeff Carter, separated shoulder, 4-6 weeks)

Jesse Loves Paymon (Marchand, suspended 5 games)

Captain Chinese (Eberle, knee, unknown)

Flowers In The Cage (James Neal, Foot, indefinite)

Not Poodle (Jordan Staal, Knee, 4-6 weeks)

Ouch.

Power Rankings: Week 2

Anyone else stare at stattracker like it is seductive naked temptress?  Here we go.

1.  Kanucks (previous week: 1):  Team keeps plugging along though there might be some warning signs in net.  As Bryzgalov tires, will his performance deteriorate similar to Crossfit North Vancouver’s profit as the supply curve shifts to the right?  Probably, but I don’t think we are there yet (for both).

2.  Crosby’s Concussions (5) – Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre said that Thomas Vanek was riding Luke Adam’s coattails and that was the reason for his success.  Given last week’s performance, the league has begun to understand why Steve didn’t win GM of the year last year and his championship was a fluke. 

3.  Me So Vyborny (2) – Yes, this team beat the worst team in the league, but still put up decent numbers doing so.  Phil Kessel continues to light it up.  The concern on this team may be Al Montoya, who despite his clear Vezina candidacy, may see more of a time share with Evgeni Nabokov.

4.  Everett Silvertips (3) – Average offense hidden by stellar goaltending.  Hopefully the introduction of Martin Havlat, who seems to be gelling with Couture and Clowe quite nicely in his two games since returning from injury, can spark the offense.

5.  Anzoolander (8) – Big win and an upgrade on defense this week (more on that later).  Starting Brian “The Wall” Elliot is always suspect though.

6.  Pistol’s Hellcats (9) – As usual, tagging right along behind Jesse, his favorite spot.  Let’s see if he can finally rise above his idol mancrush dream lover hero friend.

7.  Texans (11) – Goaltending covered weak offense.  Waiting for this team to warm up, which is kind of scary since they are third overall.

8.  Super Sperm (7) – This team needs Phil Kessel.  Sergei Bobby is not the solution.

9.  Captain Chinese (4) – Holy shit, even before the Andrew Brunette debacle, this team set a near record for lowest points in a week.   Many of you noticed the trade this past week, in which Anzoolander stole an offensive defender in Christian Ehrhoff and dumped Andrew Brunette.  Here is how I envisioned it in GM Bert Fong’s little Japanese mind using the tried and true Bertmetrics:

“If I can get a LW slated to be the 301 best player in the league, and he is playing as though he is the 276^th player, is 38 years old, and he is only eligible for LW, and I have 4 others eligible for that position that are playing better, 2 others on IR that are forecasted to be better, giving me a total of 7 options at LW, and all I have to give up is an elite defender with offensive talent and will probably have more points this season than the LW’s best season of his 16 year career, and my third defender is great, but is also 36 and played 50 games last year, should I take that deal?

In a fucking heart beat.”

When I reached out to Bert to corroborate the thought process, he corrected one thing:

“Heartbeat is one word.”

And guess what, Pronger is now hurt.  Well played Bert.  You suck.

10.  Not Poodle!!! (14) – Stevie Franchise is no longer Stevie Franchise.  Fatty called it.  Duncan Keith is his best player.  That is sad.

11.  Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – The only team in the league that has a keeper playing on the fourth line.

12.  Clarence Swampton (10) – Luongo sucks.  This team sucks.

13.  Bizzarohawks (12) – C’mon god, give this team a break.  Sounds like Max Pacioretty got dinged pretty bad and will be out for some time.

14.  Flowers in The Cage (13) – I can’t say it any better than GM Cole Ballard: “What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole team is this?”

Everyone has paid except Dave Kitchen and Fatty.  Rosters lock November 1 for you two clowns.

Power Rankings: Week 5

Like the NFL this year, we are seeing a lot of parity in this league. But, also like the NFL, there is a team that is not good, and like the NFL, that team is in Seattle.

1. Captain Chinese (Previous: 1) - Weak offense was carried by some solid goaltending this week. Probably the most well rounded of the top 3.

2. Not Poodle!!! (3) – Keep’s racking up the points, with the only weakness being in goaltending. Both goaltenders get worse and worse every year, hopefully they can hold on for this team.

3. Jesse Loves Paymon (6) – Great offense, will Cam Ward make the difference? Until he proves himself, this team won’t move up any further.

4. Malkin in the Middle (2) – Very solid on offense. Showed this week that this team can still win even without Cam Ward, who put up Dwayne Roloson type numbers this week. Roloson won’t be adding any wins to this team, but he does have better numbers season to date compared to Roberto Luongo, so picking up Paul Stastny in the transaction was not that bad of a move. However, so far to date, I think this team is just lucky, facing off against weaker competitors.

5. Texans (7) – The Wall, Brian Elliot, performed like only the wall can this week. That, along with solid offensive production, and playing a cellar dweller, is making this team look really good.

6. Sultan HC (5) – Did the team with the most potent offense in the league leverage the offense to solve the problems in net? My guess is that Michael Neuvirth and Ondrej Pavelec are not the solution.

7. Super Sperm (10) – All around solid performance, but nothing that jumps out. Look for this team to potentially make some moves to get it into the upper echelon.

8. Me So Vyborny (4) – Marian Hossa and Steve Downie are back and not soon enough…look for this team to bounce back after a bad, bad week.

9. This Space for Rent $5 (8) – It is the teams from 7-10 that could go either way. This team relies a little too much on one player, so we will see how they do in the long run.

10. Pistol’s Hellcats (13) – The trades made by crafty little GM Frodo Baggins Pete Shpak have given this team solid offensive production, now this team either needs the goalies to come around or leverage some offense for better goaltenders. Maybe advertising his needs using giant squares with shapes will work.

11. Bizzarohawks (11)

12. Anzoolander (12) – some good trades have made this team better. Because of all the trades, I am not actually sure who is on this team other than Anze Kopitar, the only player in the NHL as ugly as GM Jesse Cook.

13. Kanucks (14) – Sending out an S.O.S., sending out an S.O.S…..

15. Ottawa HC (9) – After being the voluntary recipient of trade rape, the great storm of 1781 that sent John Jameson overboard is being matched by the epic fantasy hockey storm in 2010 featuring injuries and suckdom of nautical proportions forcing GM Court Watson to drink seawater. Marian Gaborik couldn’t come back sooner, but expect a gentle breeze to end his season this week.

Quote of the week

“Dave. kanuxks. Just got he de a wedding. Shot faced.”

Oddly, Steve had a cheeseburger or six shortly after this gem.

Rejected trade of the week

Was any trade rejected?

The Trading Block

As the league develops, one helpful tool, besides Bert Fong, is the Trading Block.  The link for the Trading Block can be found on the league home page in the second banner at the top

Within that site, you can designate players, positions and stats that you are willing to deal or looking to gain.  This tool will only be as good as how much we use it, so take a look if you have a few minutes.  As you can, if everyone updates, it should be a useful tool when going out to conduct business (Ottawa HC may want to put the enitre roster on the docket, as they suck Paymon’s dried ball sweat salt off of Jesse’s chin…nice cat).

On a side note, please remember that all rejected trades, if submitted by one of the involved parties, are subject to be made fun of or discussed on this blog.  I don’t have god like powers and cannot see every offer that goes through, so don’t think I do.  Banter and insults are an integral part of this league, along with hookers and blow.  As some league members may remember, this blog was created just for that reason.  If you don’t like it, go fuck yourself.

Power Rankings: Week 2

Through two weeks, I think one thing is pretty clear:  Pistol needs help.

1.  Me So Vyborny (previous: 1) – Put up a monster week in points and the goalies are starting to come around.  This team is well rounded and if it can stay healthy, will be the team to beat all year.

2.  Captain Chinese (3) – This team will live and die with Carey Price’s head, which is rumored to be worse than Ottawa HC GM Court Watson’s head on the golf course.  For now though this team looks sharp.  Is there anything the Chinese aren’t taking over?

3.  Bizzarohawks (7) – Monster week on offense with some pretty stout goaltending.  Needs some more production from Ilya Kovalchuk and Jeff Carter before I put this team at the top.  I refuse to believe Guillaume Latendresse and Joe Pavelski can lead a team to victory.  In anything.

4.  Super Sperm (5) – Solid win this week, though it was against one of the weaker teams in the league.  Gonna need a bit more production from someone other than his defense to stay in the top half of these power rankings, but I would suspect that will happen sooner than later.

5.  Malkin in the Middle (4) – This team is missing a bit of offensive spunk to be an elite team; maybe Jesse can wipe some of Paymon’s off his face and offer it to Dave.  I imagine Dave would politely say no, thank you.

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (2) – I had this team originally at 4, but then I looked at the goalies….one is coming off a unreal year but the Cinderella story for his team may be over, the other is a backup on fire who will eventually just be the backup.  The new addition is old balls.  This team needs something else.

7.  Sultan HC (6) - Not a great performance, but good enough to beat a subpar team.  Had it not been for a big night on the Jersey shore Saturday night, probably would have walked away with a loss.  This team is to dependent on too few NHL teams for my liking, I can’t see this team being consistent enough to make a title run.

8.  Texans (12) – What the hell was I thinking last week?  Pavel Datsyuk, Eric Staal and Zach Parise all on one team?  How the hell did that happen?  Oh wait, then I looked at the goalies.  Yup, makes sense now.

9.  This Space 4 rent $5 (11) – The Sergei Bobby era has begun for this franchise!  I can’t wait to see what happens.  I like this team and Team Canada’s future very much, cause of this guy.

10.  Not Poodle!!! (13) – Here because this team beat Pistol’s Hellcats, which I think as the season progresses, will not be saying much.

11.  Ottawa HC (10) – Injuries are plaguing this team, as are healthy scratches and benchings, and when the second round draft pick contributes one assist, the team is usually in trouble.  And their GM is a shitty drafter with a man crush on Duncan Keith.  This guy is another reason I like Team Canada’s future, though I don’t really like this team’s future.

12.  Camel Toews (8) – Was outscored by the other team’s three best players.  Not a good week for this team.  Pick up watch:  Clarke MacArthur was dropped by GM Jesse Cook and scored a pretty goal last night.  Keep an eye on him as Cook historically has done a horrible job of assessing talent.

13.  Kanucks (14) – Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly (repeat a Googol times)

14.  Pistol’s Hellcats (9) – You lose 13-0, you deserve to be here.

Quote of the week

“If I had $5 I'd change my team name to Jesse Loves Free Agents” – Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre

Rejected Trade of the week

Offered:  Nathan Horton and Devin Setoguchi

Asking:  Steven Stamkos

Alrighty then.

A Look at the Draft

We had record attendance at this year’s draft, and with such a big league, it is tough to identify who were the clear winners in this draft. Lets take a look at each team and identify where they are strong, and where they fell short.

Ottawa HC – Arguably the youngest team in the draft, and certainly the one with the greatest risk reward. Will Spezza and Gagner come back to his form from a few years ago? Will Gaborik, Lehtonen and Vanek stay healthy? Will Gustavsson live up to his hype? This team has 8 players with less than 3 years experience in the league and needs a lot to go right to compete, but if it does, this team could be a force.

Malkin in the Middle – A well rounded team with solid goaltending, offense and defense. Lacks depth, but if this team can stay healthy, it could be a force. On the other hand, players like Knuble, Tanguay, and Elias may produce like Knuble, Tanguay, and Elias, in which case this team is fucked.

Sultan HC – 7 of 10 starting on offense play on just two teams. While the majority of those players are strong, it just takes one bad week for those two teams, perhaps maybe the first week of the playoffs, and this team could be in trouble. Very solid goaltending, but overall, this teams lack of diversity means GM Cole Ballard is clearly a racist, sexist, ageist and anti-dentite.

Jesse Love Paymon – Some juggernauts on offense, but the talent quickly falls outside the center eligible players. Goalies will be a source of points for this team throughout the year, as Ellis may see a return to form with a young, talented a much better team in front of him. GM Steve McIntyre is already busy, dealing Getzlaf and a 5th round pick for Toews and a 4th round pick to the idiot, Bert Fong. Well played McIntyre.

Camel Toews – Made some deft moves during the draft and has a very well rounded team. The weak spot is at D, but that isn’t a bad place to be weak. I like the drafting of Franzen late as almost all other Red Wings were drafted too high. Mason should have a bounce back year after a sophmore slump and in a new system, and Downie should be a good source of points and PIMs. Has arguably the most worthless bench in the league though, which may be a source of concern. The rest of the league always keeps on eye on this team as GM Jesse Cook has a knack for dropping players with actual talent.

Kanucks – After Dany Heatley, arguably the most offensive player on this team is a defensemen. This team is horrible. I don’t even like the goalies. No relief on the bench either. Crossfit can’t save this team from being awful.

Bizzarohawks – This team has some great fantasy all stars with a solid supporting cast. Goalie play may be a concern for this team as Nittymaki fights for a starting job. I think this team is going to have weeks of domination mixed with weeks of being ass pummeled. Whether the mix leans in this team’s favor is the question.

Captain Chinese – Dare I say that Bert Fong didn’t eliminate his chances right at the draft. Dare I say he might actually do something this year? Nope, I don’t. Horrible team of mainly supporting cast players which should help him miss the playoffs by 5-20 points this year.

Texans – Last year’s Anze Cup runner up has some heavy hitters, but may be a little lacking at second winger. The love affair with Brian “The Wall” Elliot continues this year, but overall this team’s goalie tandem is as weak as GM Chris Thomas’ wireless internet connection.

Not Poodle!!! – Starting three d-men. Pretty much says all that needs to be said. This team should lead the league in PIMs with Bourque, Lucic, Oshie, and three d-men. Great pick up of Jamie Benn, hopefully GM Matt Welsh actually starts him.

This space 4 rent $5 – With the exception of one concussed player, this team has the potential to keep the dynasty of the Borg in tact. Has one franchise center and many other solid players. This team will hinge on netminders, both of which could have very good or very bad years.

Suck it Watson – Arguably the best wingers group in the league, and the worst centers. A few flyer picks on guys who probably won’t pan out, but this team has to very good young goalies that a fantasy franchise can be built around.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Rookie campaign has GM Pete “Pistol” Shpak going deep in goalies. As for the rest of the roster, is there anyone that any GM looks at and thinks “damn, I wish I had that guy?” Sure, there is some talent, but is there any one who can lead this franchise? We all saw what making Roberto Luongo captain does, not sure if it can work on a fantasy squad. Kudos to the GM for his team picture, arguably the best in fantasy sports.

Me So Vyborny – This team has overachievers (Burrows), underachievers (Leino, Jokinen, and Briere), veteran goaltenders and defensemen and players that might have breakout years (Wheeler and Abdelkader). Wouldn’t be surprising to see this team at the top of the standings if the underachievers come around and GM Matt Meier stops using roster spots for people playing in the AHL (Mathieu Carle).

Team names will be locked Monday, October 11. After that day, it is $5 to change your team name. All balances, trades and transactions are being tracked and can be viewed here. Entry fees are still due from the majority of the league, with entries fees due by November 1st. After that, for any team that entry fees are outstanding that team will be unable to trade, drop or add players until entry fees are paid. Instructions on how to pay are mentioned in a previous post.