Playoff Eulogy: The Bizarrohawks

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the seventh in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson pays his respects to the Bizarrohawks.

Bizarrohawks – RIP 2015

This team finished first loser.  Not bad.

I am not sure what to make of this team, nor the rookie GM, Luke Mackinnon.  Certainly he showed his time in the other JV leagues he is in has given him some skills, but what skills are those?    It isn’t like he inherited a bad team, with Tarasenko, Giordano, Bishop, Crawford, Zetterberg and Pacioretty all handed to him on a silver platter.  He made some great trades along the way, but were they great trades, or is he the beneficiary of the new guy phenomenon?  He certainly used his newness to take advantage of Bert, trading Pacioretty for Getzlaf and Pacioretty.  One wonders if those kind of trades will be available to him in the future (knowing Bert, the answer is probably yes). 

One just has to look at Luke’s active posting on the message board and emails exchanged with GMs in trade negotiations and they quickly get this image in their heads:

Maybe his best skill is sitting right beside a guy who is also in this league and working the hard sale all season long on someone with maybe a bit less knowledge of fantasy hockey (side note, Luke made zero trades with any team in the playoffs).  Having a boss in this league who allows you to spend as much time running hypothetical trade scenarios as Luke does is a great thing.  Maybe he can keep this up, taking advantage of those teams at the bottom.  Maybe Fatty will set his lineup one day.  Solid maybes.  Except the last one.  Quit Fatty.

Regardless, winning the President’s Trophy and Anze Cup is the same year is an amazing feat.  A feat that Luke failed to accomplish (it has only happened once, ahem, thank you).  But I enjoyed his passion, his random bizarre posts when he was off his ADHD medication, and his lengthier rants when he was on it.  While Scott Freeland may be have been quiet, he still spent a lot of time on this league, so I wouldn’t say having Luke is better, it is just different.  And maybe in a good way, because fantasy leagues all have expiry dates; they run their course over time.  New blood can help keep them going, similar to machines keeping a technically dead person alive in a comatose state.  Jesus, that was a horribly depressing analogy. 

Speaking of horribly depressing, the performance by Bizarrohawks in the finals was about as bad as it gets in a championship.  Like Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl bad.  The only logical conclusion from watching that match is that Luke was horribly out managed by Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook.  It was like a Shaolin Master teaching his pupil by beating him with a stick.  I hope Luke took notes and learned something from that embarrassment.  Blaming injuries of guys on the bench?  Just sad. 

Better luck next year.  Looking forward to seeing you in action again.

Court

Playoff Eulogy: Jesse Loves Paymon

n honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the sixth in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook pays his respects to the Jesse Loves Paymon.

Jesse Loves Paymon - RIP

As the saying goes, "you are only as good as your weakest link." In this case the weakest link of Jesse Loves Paymon (JLP) is clearly its GM, Stephen Ronald McIntyre.

Stephen's propensity to over-value older players in the twilight of their careers is well known. Players like: Kelser, Malkin, Bergeron, Lupul, Suter and Dubinsky all faltered down the stretch due to having such old balls. You would think anyone with 1/100th of a brain could figure this out...but obviously Stephen could not. Perhaps Stephen should have this guy take over his team next season.

While I will give JLP credit for some decent trades before the stretch run, it was a case of too little too late. I was amazed he actually traded Cam "I was last good in 2006" Ward for an actual starter (all hail DD). Why JLP didn't pull the trigger on that faster is anyone's guess as clearly Bobrovksy was losing cases all season long and Jimmy Howard looked more like Timmy Howard.

This will be a tough off-season for JLP as coming in 4th place is really really really bad. JLP was simply out-classed in the semi finals by eventual Anze Cup winner Anzoolander. Then, JLP got jack-hammered in the back alley by the Everett Silvertips in the Consolation Final (aka who gives a shit final). 

I'll leave you with an actual photo of JLP watching the semi-finals when he realized his team full of losers would not go thru to the Finals. No idea who the broad is...but she also looks upset...probably because you ate all of the popcorn you selfish bastard!

Playoff Eulogy: Halifax Highlanders

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the second in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan pays his respects to, well, himself.

Halifax Highlanders – RIP 2015

In a playoff loss that will go down as one of the greatest first round matchups ever, the Halifax Highlanders season ended in the same heartbreaking fashion that the Pittsburgh Penguins season will in a couple of weeks.

Halifax GM David Dugan made quite a splash early in the season when he sent Claude Giroux and Ryan Miller to the Everett Silvertips for Jonathan Quick and David Backes. GM David Dugan thought that having Sidney Crosby and Jonathan Quick would be cornerstones to build on for years to come.  In reality, he hasn’t yet realized that he needs to start more than just 2 positions to win in this league.

This offseason, Dugan plans to reflect on mistakes made as well as reject all the trade requests for Sidney Crosby. At least some GM’s (I’m looking at you Luke Dawg) have the decency to write a few paragraphs trying to explain why Getzlaf for Sid is a good trade for everyone.

Fuck you all I’m still bitter, my team was so hot going into the playoffs.

Playoff Eulogy: 3rd and Luongo to go

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the second in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson pays his respects to 3rd and Luongo to go.

3rd and Luongo to go – RIP 2015

These eulogies are about real people losing real things.  But how can you do a eulogy for a team run by this….thing:

This team is basically on auto pilot; every week, the line combination with the most games played is started.  Never respond to trade offers, never respond to banter, auto post a random league comment to convince us the team is not run by the Borg.  Somehow, with that strategy, this team made the playoffs.  Which means almost half the league did worse than an idiot simple formula.   Actually, when I put it that way, surprised this team didn’t do better.

This really isn’t a eulogy in my mind, it is a celebration of the fact that some real humans can beat the machine.  A few years ago, that wasn’t as certain, as this team made the Anze Cup finals.  Can you imagine that?  If this team had won, what would even be the point in playing?

Somewhere deep inside that machination above is GM Mike Gaunt, who is really only in the league so he has something to do between the NFL and MLB seasons, because NASCAR and the PGA Tour are only half the week, and his fantasy NBA team is looked at in the morning.  So basically, he is a compulsive gambler.   I applaud his style, and his propensity towards minority NHL players.  It helps the rest of us feel like silicon valley millionaire liberal elitists with free consciences.  Keep it up.  I look forward to how much you will over value Roberto Luongo next year.

Playoff Eulogy: Super Sperm

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the second in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre pays his respects to Super Sperm.

Super Sperm – RIP 2015

This weeks performance by Super Sperm was outright embarrassing.  The #2 seed was a clear favorite despite what that prick Joe MaGrath recently predicted.  

Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble built quite an impressive team this season.  It was loaded with multiple 30 goal scorers and soon to be 70 point players.  Schauble was even active at the trade deadline, securing goaltending depth to support his hopeful run towards Lord Anze.  His first round result?  An 11-2 drubbing at the hands of the Everett Silvertips.  

This match was never close.  Super Sperm was shooting blanks.  It was as though Tips GM Court Watson performed a 7 day vasectomy on Schauble and it wasn't using today’s no scalpel, no needle procedure.  Watson chose to do things the old fashion way, leaving Schauble with a limp dick, multiple stitches and a scrotum that'll be black and blue for weeks.  Watson will be watching this year’s Masters tournament live from Augusta National.  Schauble will be watching it on TV from his couch while wearing an athletic supporter to hold his ice pack in place.  And since he shoots blanks, he won’t need the cup.  Which is good, because he still doesn’t have one.  A cup, that is.

Good luck with your recovery, Schauble.  Perhaps you should consider a name change for next season.

JLP

Playoff Eulogy: Pistol’s Hellcats

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the first in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.  Up first, Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook pays his respects to Pistol’s Hellcats.

Pistol's Hellcats - RIP 2015

Last year’s Anze Cup Champion, Pistol's Hellcats, bowed out in the first round of this years Anze Cup Playoffs due to a horrific display of goaltending. Though Pistol's Hellcats felt they had the best goalies in the league hands down...well...you clearly didn’t.

Filled with a roster full of has-beens and overrated bums, it was impressive that Pistol's Hellcats made the playoffs. Even more shocking was this squad vying for the President's Trophy until shitting the bed against the worst team in fantasy hockey history, the ChingChong BingBongs, the last week of the season. It was probably God's way of saying to the GM "why are you getting married you stupid fucking idiot." God does work in mysterious ways...so does Santa Claus.

Speaking of God, he clearly loves Jesse Love Paymon more than Pistol's Hellcats.  But then again, his son was a Jew, so that makes sense.

This will be an interesting off-season for Pistol's Hellcats (not the actual GM as his life is now full of boring stories no one is interested in) as the team is at a cross-roads. The team is old...really old and has one good player and the Calder Trophy Winner. Holtby showed he's not a winner, and the rest of the team is just garbage. 

Look for some trades to take place and it is great to see almost all teams engaged in trading this season. You win some, you lose some, and you ChingChong BingBong some. 

Captain Chinese Eulogy: Who’s Raffing Now?

Here is Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook and his eulogy for Captain Chinese.

This was Captain Chinese GM Bert Fong having a gay old time as the last minute of Overtime in the LA/Dallas game took place.

The Fantasy Hockey Gods would not allow a team with so little talent that was so poorly mismanaged to make the Anze Cup Final, and they allowed Jeff Carter to tip in a Mike Richards pass.  Boom.  Roasted.  Season.  Over.

There are some very bad players on this team, but to Captain Chinese’s credit, his goaltending was fairly consistent.  Optimus Reim was a pleasant surprise, and as Carey Price was starting to stink as bad as Steve McIntyre’s dance moves, Brian “The Wall” Elliot was, well, “The Wall.”  The #1 ranked player in the past 14 days, and #4 ranked in the past 30 days, “The Wall” once again showed why he is the single greatest goalie of all-time.  With the spot light on “The Wall” Captain Chinese actually had a chance.

It will be interesting to see what Captain Chinese does in the off-season besides adopting dogs at the SPCA only to eventually eat them.  As it relates to Fantasy Hockey, outside of “The Wall,” Captain Chinese has no keepers.  Maybe Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre can trade Bert one of his 7-8 keepers (this was an email Steve sent that made me simultaneously puke, cry, laugh, piss and shit myself).

While 3-4 teams should be forced to fold as they are an embarrassment to the league itself, somehow Captain Chinese and “The Wall” will soldier on.  Bert will leave us scratching our heads with the rationale behind his trade technique, waiver wire moves and limited math skills that will have us question…is he really Chinese?  There are a few of us who have showered with him after beer league hockey, and we can verify that yes, he willy is Chinese.

See you next season, Captain Chinese, your Fantasy Hockey season is over!

Remembering the Bizarrohawks

In what is hopefully a new tradition, today’s featured post is a eulogy of sorts for a team recently eliminated from the Anze Cup finals.  The eulogy is written by Dave Dugan, GM of Crosby’s Concussions and a close friend and confidant of Bizarrohawks GM Scott Freeland.  And now, I present Dave. 

Surprise!!!  Another year and another non-championship team in Cleveland.  Did anyone really think a team in Cleveland could win anything that is sports related? The Bizarrohawks looked like an early season favorite, but thanks to the managing skills of Scott “Ninja “Freeland they limped into the playoffs losing 4 of the last 5 weeks with a record of 23 – 42.

For those of you who do not know, my involvement in this league is because of Scott.  I remember years ago before my first draft, Scott making me sit on his lap (I was uncomfortable and he was hard) and giving me some sage advice “goaltending is the most important thing in this league”.  Too bad he didn’t take his own advice; his goalie stats were some of the worst in the league and last week he lost by 6 points, 4 of which were Goalie Stats.  Who would have though Jacob Markstrom would let the team down?

Much like their GM the Bizarrohawks are a blah team that is there 1 minute and just absolutely gone the next.  Literally, you turn around and they’re gone, and you’re left walking home from the bar only to see them reappear in a courtyard making out with a 50 year old.  It would be just like this team is drunk walking around Old Vegas and next thing you know they’re not there anymore, only to reappear at a craps table in an All-Asian casino surrounded by a gaggle of Bert Fongs cheering on “white boy #1” and his legendary heater.

This eulogy as the ultimate tribute to Ninja Freeland will just……..

Well said.