Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome back fuckers!  Another year of hockey.  I don’t know about you, but I am ecstatic.  So many great story lines this year: How bad are the Canucks (terrible)?  What talented young player will the toxic wasteland that is Edmonton destroy this year (all of them, to some extent)?  How many points with the go fuck yourself Edmonton line in St. Louis get and how will they rub in their Stanley Cup win (a lot, and probably by mooning)?  Was keeping rookie Hellebuyck a wise move (probably)?

The draft was exciting, with some surprises, and a little bit of tradition (Cole Ballard and Ondrej Pavelec are like Jenny and Forrest).  Without further adieu, lets get to the first power rankings of the season.

1.  Henry McDavid Thoreau

Another year, another shitty name

A used car salesman, always playing the game

Ignoring the team name, I will call them this

Luke won’t see my friendship shining through, and will assume I am taking the piss

His team is deep, his second last pick was a 28 goal scorer named Skinner

At the end of the season, I am thinking winner, winner, chicken dinner.

2.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Out of the gates hot, as usual.  But just like Pete, once you get close, you realize there are some serious flaws.  Mainly, this team has one starting NHL goalie, and only two d men.  Lundqvist is done.  Those are real problems.

3.  Jesse Loves Paymon – Putting this team at third because they have to be in the top 3 just based on the fact they had eleventy draft picks in the first four rounds of the draft.  Only thing is, looking at this team, does anyone think this team is going to win?  Anyone?

‘crickets chirping’

I thought so.

4.  Me So Vyborny – If dumb fuck GM Matt Meier spends a bit of time paying attention to his roster, I think this team is actually quite good.  Some sneaky good picks in the draft, and not being stupid enough to give away his first pick overall to Steve McIntyre has put this team in a good spot.  Keeping one of your best players on the bench opening week and watching him score four goals in one game, not so much.

5.  Hatrick Swayze – Not sure having someone with AIDS is the best mascot in the world, but whatever.  GM Todd Toothill gets a lot of slack for keeping a third string goalie as his rookie keeper, but I like the move.  I also don’t know what I am talking about most of the time, so there is that.  A concussion to Crosby is a major concern, as well as Quick going down, but overall, solid team.

6.  Lokomotiv 2138 – Think I like this team, but it needs some aggressive moves by GM Cole Ballard.  Moves that don’t include Ondrej Pavelec.  Weak at the wings, strong on D.  Make some good moves, and this could finally be the year.  I do think this team will regret dropping Elias Lindholm.

7.  Super Sperm – Slowly moving on from the power house core it once had but is now so old.  This team is a perfect example of how to become irrelevant by making few free agency moves and no trades over the past few years.

8.  Kane & She Was Abel – I look at this team and I see the best team in the league.  If we were in 2006 to 2013.  But we aren’t.

9.  Texans – This team is probably better than this, but is getting so badly crushed that optically it was hard to put them any higher.  This team could be really good, but, just like any real NHL team, can’t be taken seriously with Kris Russell getting playing time.

10.  Connor McSaviors – Speaking of not being taken seriously, welcome to Zoopland, where your team is named after someone not on your team, and you start a goalie who plays for the Oilers by choice and not out of necessity. Good luck this year.  You need it.

11.  Anzoolander – Last time an Anze Cup Champion missed the playoffs was also the last time we had a back to back champion.  There is a very realistic chance that could happen again this year.  You could take Samjeet out of the local 7-11, throw some skates on him, and put him in your local rec league as a d-man and he would be just as valuable to this fantasy hockey team as the d-men currently on this team. Combined.  It has been a great run, too bad it is end in such a painful fashion.

12.  Kanucks – Name a player on this team without looking at the roster.  I dare you.

13.  Everett Silvertips – Team has no chance.  Terrible management, terrible luck, you name it, this team has it.  Fantasy Hockey AIDs.   That is what this team has.  Stay far, far away.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs – Will probably sit here until GM Bert Fong makes his next trade with Luke; and which time the team will be ranked 15th.  Anyone else think Bert should get a cut of Luke’s winnings?  I would normally say 50/50 split, but think in this case, 60/40 for Bert to give him the credit he is due for making Henry McDavid Thoreau such a power house.

I love all of you.

JM

Season Preview

The draft is over, only one fuck up by Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre, but other than that, everything went pretty well.  Kudos to Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook for participating in the draft in the lobby of an opera, Carmen.  Also, any show about a whore that doesn’t show a lot of fucking is not worth watching.  So Jesse, you are welcome for the excuse to step out.

Lets take a look at each team and where I think they are going to end up.  I am never wrong.

Halifax Highlanders – Not David Dugan’s best effort.  In fact, not anyone’s best effort, even Slappy the retarded squirrel who absent mindedly masturbates.  This team relies on Sidney Crosby, Claude Giroux and….that is about it.  The goalies are old, are were a total statistical anomaly last year (the entire Avalanche franchise was, if you look at possession of the puck as a big thing, which you should, because the Maple Leafs hired a 28 year old as assistant GM to look at crap like that and the Oilers hired a blogger (side note: big mistake that blogger wasn’t me)).  One bright spot may be Cam Talbot, because Henrik Lundqvist doesn’t have much longer.  To live.  He is super old.  Prediction:  Dead ass last and heavy favorite in the Connor McDavid sweepstakes.

Texans – The only team in the league without a 30 goal scorer from last season, and only one clear starter in net.  While I think there is a lot of youthful talent on this team, there aren’t any dominant players (yet).  Don’t think this year will be pretty.  Prediction:  13th, also know as second last.

Kanucks – Why say anything when I can just show you how the season started before it started:

wobble wobble

From Rocket Richard to even playing this season, my how the conversation has changed.  Nothing else memorable exists on this team, which gave away its best player in a preseason trade.  Prediction:  12th, which is a personal best for GM Dave Kitchen

Anzoolander – The lowest number of players with 20 goal scorers and players with 60 points, even with Stamkos back this team may struggle offensively.  Goalies are a question mark, either health wise or playing time wise; John Gibson getting the start on opening night does not bode well for this team.  It isn’t uncommon for teams in the Anze Cup finals to miss the playoffs the following year, and I think this may be that team that regresses.  Prediction:  11th, and on the bright side, the team’s finish is higher than Jesse’s IQ of 10.

Me So Vyborny – Think this team is slowly (like Madmen slowly) coming of age.  Eight 20 goal scorers make this offense much improved this season, but the goalies are a huge question mark.  Think this team might show some signs of life, but GM Matt Meier will probably fuck it up by not adjusting his roster each week, as per usual.  Prediction:  In spite of Matt, still able to finish 10th.  Also a career best finish.

Everett Silvertips – While this team has by far and away the best goalies in the league (seriously, the average starting goalie GAA from 2013-14 for this team is stupid), there are way, way to many question marks on this team which need all of them to pay off for this team to compete.  Don’t see that happening, given GM Court Watson’s skill (or major lack thereof) in the draft, and anticipate this team will miss the playoffs for the second season in a row and everyone will be able to point and laugh at the collapse of a once mighty franchise all because Court is a shitty GM.  You suck Court.  Prediction: 9th, you suck Court.

ChingChong BingBongs – I had to re-rank every team in this league after looking at this team.  I can’t think of one thing I like, but don’t really see one thing I hate.  Watch Heatley end up with Perry and Getzlaf and have a career year.  That would sum up this team.  Prediction:  8th.  Eeeks into playoffs.  Promptly loses.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Old.  And mediocre.  No player stands out here as a dynamic offensive threat (at least this year).  This is a team of complementary players which will do alright, but not enough to get the job done.  How about Cory Conacher.  Going from Steve refusing to trade him when he was hot (his advanced stats were awful) to being cut from the Buffalo Sabres (the worst team in hockey) this preseason, not sitting on this team.  Well done Pete (and Steve).  Goalies are mediocre at best, terrible at worst.  See this team giving a college try, but ultimately not doing much.  Prediction:  7th.  Limps into playoffs, gets kicked out in the first round, and GM Pete Shpak regrets not drinking more out of the Anze Cup when he had hit.

Not Poodle! – Think goalies carry this team.  Pretty far actually.  Offense is just good enough to keep this team alive.  Last season’s rookie Valeri Nichushkin might be the best second year player in the league this year, and the immortal Martin St. Louis will continue to produce.  Prediction: 6th.  Still not very good, but great for Fatty.

Super Sperm – GM Ryan Schauble made an incredibly smart move by bringing in Sean Stock to draft this team given Sean’s ability to carry this team to the playoffs and make them a force year after year.   However, I think that strategy backfired this year.  While this team is stacked offensively, this team easily, easily, has the worst stable of goaltenders in the league.  There are 30 teams in the NHL, and 29 of them have a backup goalie better than Ondrej Pavelec.  The only team that doesn’t is Winnipeg.  PEG CITY.  Prediction:  5th.  Offense carries them into the playoffs, but an off week knocks them out in the second round.

Bizzarohawks – Solid young goaltending, solid young offense.  Really, the worry here is how GM Scott Freeland might fuck it up.  Not setting his roster week 1 is a good start.  Bishop might be exceptional this year, and Max Pacioretty might have a dynamite year as well.  Prediction:  4th.  Team doesn’t quite have the jam to go further than the second round.

Jesse Loves Paymon – Scoring Couture for cheap was huge; look for that guy to make a run at Rocket Richard this season.  Solid roster top to bottom, with the biggest question being the second goalie.  Don’t think Jimmy Howard, or team in front of him, is very good.  However, I think that will be mitigated for the most part all season.  Prediction:  3rd.  Howard fucks this team, eventually.

Third and Luongo to go – The Borg returns!  Ten 20 goal scorers from last season and I think Luongo has a resurgence of sorts down in sunny Florida.  Also, it shows how tolerant I am by rating this team so highly.  Prediction:  2nd.  Annoying everyone.

Flowers in the Cage – Very talented young goalies looking to define themselves this year.  Diverse lineup of both young and old skill players, having the most players with 60 points or more last season.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present your preseason favorite to win the Anze Cup.  Prediction:  1st.  Think this team has the goods, and through a bit of luck and some good management by GM Cole Ballard, think this team can win it all and Cole Ballard can sip his beverage of choice watching his Seahawks every Sunday next year.

Good luck gentlemen, and remember to set your rosters.  Also, remember to pay.  If you don’t pay by end of day tomorrow, you won’t be able to set your starters, drop, trade, add players, do anything.

Thoughts on the Draft

It is Thursday night, I am in an airport, and I have had a few…too many.  Perfect time to share some thoughts on the draft.

1.  Bert Fong is the worst general manager of any organization, real or fantasy, I have ever seen.  Nobody can submarine an organization like he can.  It is so bad it I am actually impressed.

2.  Chris Thomas almost one upped his brother in law, GM Jesse Cook, by drafting Anton Khudobin in the third round.  You may recall the great draft of 2009.  I say almost, because Thomas didn’t select him 9th overall.  Lets see if he continues in his brother-in-laws footsteps by trading Khudobin for peanuts one day before Tuukka Rask goes down with an case of European pussiness.

3.  The 1st overall pick in the actual NHL draft continues to be drafted in our league in my mind, way, way to early.  Factoring in how much later the 2nd overall pick has gone, those players are a bargain (Hall, 6th, Seguin, 13th in 2010.  RNH, 1st, Landeskog, 11th).  Bad GMs are paying quite a premium in the draft, and it isn’t really paying off.

4.  GM Court Watson, who has drafted the 2nd overall NHL pick the last two years, continued that trend by drafting the 2nd forward taken in the 2012 draft in Alex Galchenyuk in the 8th round.  It will be interesting to see who performs better between Yakupov and Galchenyuk in relation to where they went in the draft, as critics believe Galchenyuk is physically the most ready for the NHL (similar to the opinion on Landeskog).

5.  The first trade has already happened, and involved a heavyweight.  The Bizarrohawks are clearly making a run this year, though they may lack the goaltenders to make it far.   You got jam Ninja.  The Everett Silvertips could no longer use the rookie rule on Landeskog, which means something had to give, and trading a forward with D-man minutes entering his 30s isn’t the worst move.  Both teams might benefit from this.

6.  GM Jesse Cook really likes his team.  This is no different than the last 4 years, where Anzoolander’s best performance has been a 1st round exit, and required multiple moves during the season to make the team half decent.  Awful.

7.  Ryan Schauble only complained about the time of the draft 76 times, a new low for him.  This was probably due to the fact he only realized what time the draft was the day before, despite it being on the fantasy home page, posted on the blog, and sent to him in the form of a calendar invite.  Baby steps I guess.

8.  ‘Dr. Hook’ once again autodrafted and will probably beat half the teams in the league, just like every other year.  That would normally prove that the draft is a fluke, except this team beats the same teams every year, which shows some people are super bad at fantasy hockey.

9.  The stewardess on my plane could probably lose a few lbs.

10.  And serve drinks faster.

11.  And get in the kitchen.

12.  If you are offended by the term stewardess and think they should be called flight attendant and I am sexist, I disagree.  I call all the employees in the cabin stewardesses, because regardless of gender, they are still a vagina.  And if you are offended, so are you.

13.  Seriously, Bert Fong is awful at Fantasy Hockey.  Like as bad as this car crash.

This is awful and tragic, but I did laugh at the title.

14.  The team that is the scariest is Crosby’s Concussions.  A very solid draft, and I am expecting big things from this team this year.  Varlamov will be more valuable than Kiprusoff, and might replace Letang as a keeper on this team.  You heard it hear first.  Don’t fuck it up Dave.

15.  For multiple reasons, farting on a plane is hilarious.

16.  The best value pick in the draft was David Perron in the ninth.  Unless Bernier gets traded and becomes a starter.  Then it was that pick in the 12th.

17.  The Islanders will make the playoffs because they are awesome.  Hockey with heart.

18.  A nine week fantasy season means any team can win.  If Captain Chinese wins, I will shut down the league and destroy the Anze Cup.

19.  The Anze Cup has aged nicely this season and is excited for its new home.  Even defending champion and GM Court Watson acknowledges it might have a new home, guessing “two inches from where it currently rests.”

20.  This isn’t the year Matt Meier becomes an inspirational story like Rudy and wins it all.  This is the year where his story is like the guy that accomplished nothing and nobody knows about.

21.  That Notre Dame football player and Jesse Cook share something in common; they made up a girl that nobody else ever saw.  Jesse met his in Australia.  Sure you did buddy.  Also, they share something else; they made it up to keep hiding in the closet.

22.  Bryan Little should be required to be on Pistol’s Hellcats.  He looks like GM Pete Shpak, is the same height (5’11”) and his last name is little, which makes me chuckle pretty good. 

23.  The heartwarming story of the draft is BFFs Duncan Keith and Court Watson reunited (and it feels so goooooooood).

24.  I just saw that Vincent Lecavalier went in the second round…wtf?!?!?

25.  Who is fatter?  Lucic or Byfuglien?  Both will be liabilities to their respective fantasy teams.

26.  Ryan Schauble had the best set of keepers in the league and came dead last.  He sucks at this.  So, he brought in a co-manager to help him run his team.  Everyone, Sean Stock.  I like to think of this as being as stupid as the co-dependency between Mayim Bialik and her kids.  I can only imagine who sucks on who’s tits.  I don’t know who Sean is, so that means I hate him, but Steve says he is easy to trade rape, so of course, he is welcome.

27.  I just got cut off by the stewardess, I am done.

Let’s Get it On!

Three U18 World Championships in a row and an U20 World Championship just wasn’t good enough for the ol’ U.S. of A.

We even won the World Inlines.  Imagine if the U.S. used their best athletes in hockey games, or their second best, or their third best, or their fourth best?  Canada would have to just quit and stop pretending they ever invented hockey.

Anyhoo, from the great casino that brought you beer pong on their main gambling floor, the kind Sirs at O’Shea’s Casino kindly provided opening odds on the Anze Cup Champion futures.  What better way to start off the power rankings?!?!  There are some interesting picks by these gentlemen, but they are very good at what they do, so lets take a look.

Super Sperm (8/1) – Probably the biggest group of “names” in the keeper stable and with high draft picks to boot. This will be a critical year for Rick Nash, as we will learn how valuable he really is, now being on a team with actual offense. GM Ryan Schauble is pretty good at screwing things up, but until that happens, the boys at O’Shea’s like this team to take it all.

Everett Silvertips (10/1) – Returning the youngest stable of keepers, and the only group of keepers where all players are on the first page of the Yahoo! O-rankings, with two first round and second round draft picks, this team has the potential to repeat.  Concern around the return of Ilya Kovalchuk casts a cloud over this team, but recent indications are Kovy will be back in action.  All signs indicate a strong year for all keepers, with the biggest question mark being whether or not Tuukka Rask can handle the role of the true #1 goalie.  GM Court Watson was asked to join the GMs with kids group within the league, but after hearing the non-stop whining and gay excuses they make related to their kids for poor fantasy hockey performance, he wanted none of it.  Excuses are for crossfitters losers.

Flowers in the Cage (15/1) – The Inglorious Backes and Co. return after a near miss. GM Cole Ballard has now finished runner up 17 times in this league. That has to be some sort of record. He probably would have won, had he not declined Seguin for Couture, but oh well, ya win so…wait, this team never wins, nevermind.  This team didn’t keep an NHL goalie, so Cole will have to find one in the draft or through trades.  Yes, I know Anderson is on the team, but I said NHL goalie.  Hey Cole, I think Brodeur is available.

Bizarrohawks (20/1) –  Like a ninja, this team snuck into the semifinals last year, which is fitting, because GM Scott Freeland is an actual ninja (party, if you are curious to the type of ninja).

   Party ninjas always sleep with their eyes open. Always.

This team’s keepers sound like they came from the island of misfit toys, but they all quietly produce, at least they did last year.  No first round picks will hurt this team, but like a Ninja, they should always be watched closely.

Crosby’s Concussions (30/1) – Anyone else on eggshells just talking about Crosby? All signs point to healthy, which is great for hockey, good for this team, and bad for all the other teams. A couple of interesting keepers, but a good year and this team can definitely compete. Not Steelers compete, I mean actually be good.

Kanucks (30/1) – Made a big push last year to win and fell short. It might cost them this year, with their first pick in the draft coming in the third round and 39th overall. Half the keepers are question marks, including both in net, but if they play to their ability this team will compete. Luckily, GM Dave Kitchen likes to espouse the same priorities as you would read in books like “What to Expect When You are a Gay Father who doesn’t watch or play sports” so I expect very little from this team beyond relying on sheer talent.

Pistol’s Hellcats (35/1) – Traded his best player for a goalie that just lost half of his defense. Can the Red Wings pull off their amazing magic again by finding hall of famers in the 7th round? Probably unlikely, which means last year’s trade rape will probably continue to be a disaster for this team. With the Sedins production falling off last year for the first time and Swedish players propensity to retire early, Iginla and Lundqvist being old, this team may be down to Ottawa Senators as its core nucleus by next year’s draft. Yes, you read that right. Okay, I will give you a moment to wipe the tears from your eyes.

Jesse Loves Paymon (35/1) – Overrated: Ward, Thornton, Hossa. Old: Thornton, Hossa. Average: Lucic, Ward. See a trend here? GM Steve McIntyre recently decided to add a third child to his stable, which means he will have even less time to do any work on his team. He is technologically retarded, reads slow, and makes decisions even slower, which, given the time crunch, means he has no chance. Unless of course, he flukes out by drafting a team he thinks is awful and makes almost no moves, similar to what he did when he won the forever tainted* 2011 Anze Cup.

Texans (50/1) – A lot of uncertainty on this team. How will Parise do in Minnesota? Will Schneider get the bulk of the starts or time share? How the hell did Dustin Brown become a keeper? Ever? Will Eric Staal go gangbusters playing with his brother? Will Heatley finally just fall over and die on the ice from old age? All this uncertainty means the first overall pick will be huge, but the boys at O’Shea’s don’t think it will be enough.

Not Poodle!!! (60/1) – I wasn’t even sure that GM Matt Welsh even knew he had a team last year, and with the additional of this cute little miracle guy (btw, let me know if you need some clothes for him, my 4 month old is now in 12 mos + clothing), O’Shea’s sports book thinks this team doesn’t stand a chance. You will note that Andrew Ference did not agree to plant 50 trees for every goal scored by Patrice Bergeron, because that would mean almost no trees are planted. Good luck this year Fatty, and go fuck yourself.

Me So Vyborny (70/1) – A new job for GM Matt Meier where the previous person did nothing will keep him so busy he will be even more indecisive with his team. I know, I know, I didn’t think it was possible either, and somewhere, GM Jesse Cook is throwing his hands up in exasperation. I am not wild about his keepers, nor am I really negative on them. O’Shea’s appears to be, and don’t like his chances.  We gave you a shot in the league Rudy, figure it out and prove that you earned it.

Captain Chinese (80/1) – Depending on who you talk to, either Benjamin Franklin or Albert Einstein declared compound interest to be the Eighth Wonder of the World.  Well, compound years of sucking at fantasy hockey is the Largest Blunder of the World.  Can someone tell me why offensive juggernaut Shea Weber wasn’t more sought after in last year’s draft?  In fairness, the keepers aren’t that bad, the boys at O’Sheas just expect Bert Fong to be Bert Fong and destroy this team somehow.

Dr. Hook (80/1) – This team needs to make a few more moves than the last 4 years combined. This team revolves around two players, and has repeatedly demonstrated that is not enough. GM Mike Gaunt is probably not aggressive enough to make any big changes, lets see if his New Year’s Resolution was to revamp his fantasy hockey team. I know it would be if I was him.

Anzoolander (90/1) – It takes GM Jesse Cook several months of wheeling and dealing to repair the damage done at the draft lead his team to first round exits, and with the shortened season, he won’t have enough time.  Anze Kopitar is looking to miss almost a quarter of the season with a knee injury, and Jamie Benn may choose to sit out until he has a contract in place.  The boys at O’Shea’s added another future to their books; 20/1 that he implodes into a hissy fit because he can’t figure out the rules of the league that haven’t been changed in years, and drops his fantasy team for Blackhawks plugs.

Yup, it is good to be back.

*Pistol’s Hellcats and Jesse Loves Paymon split the payout 50/50 between first and second, forever putting a black mark on that year.  I would expect it from a real estate agent, given the lack of ethics in that entire industry, but not from Steve.

Power Rankings: Week 1

Has there ever been a year where the NHL scheduling has been such an impact than it will be this first couple of weeks?  We will have some teams with almost as many games this upcoming week alone as others will have played so far in this fresh young season.  It will be tough to get a good sense of the relative strengths of each team in this league until it evens out.  However, that won’t stop me from trying, and pissing everyone off in the process.

1.  Kanucks (previous week: 1) – This season may forever be remembered as the year of the Loui, as the clear best player in the draft magically didn’t get drafted number 1 and fell right into GM Dave Kitchen’s lap.  I said I liked this team at the draft, but I didn’t know how Dave would fuck it up.  I still don’t.  Having Michael Cammalleri and Evgeni Malkin out for at least this week will hurt, but not as much as one would think as this team relied on strong netminding and contributions from the entire team.  Dave recently went through an identity crisis, changing the team name at one point to “Crossfit Cuntfaces” which Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook accurately observed “is by far the best team name, Kitchen.”  It sounds like Dave offended himself in naming his team, but the name really couldn’t be any more accurate, as noted in the video below.  It may be a cartoon, but go to any CrossFit gym in the world and it will be scary how accurate this video is.

A real, live Cuntface.

2.  Me So Vyborny – Thanks to keeper Phil Kessel, this team touts the top offense in the league.  Four games this week for Kessel will certainly help this team continue its strong start.  What the fuck was Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble thinking trading away Phil Kessel?  What a retarded move.

3.  Everett Silvertips – It is very, very weird to see this team 1) with a winning record before late February, if at all and 2) with the second best goalie tandem in the league.  May get creamed this week with its biggest offensive guns sitting out because of only two games on the schedule, but GM Court Watson is beginning to realize that, so far this season, Drew Doughty on IR is better than Duncan Keith in the starting roster (and go fuck yourself, Fatty).

4.  Captain Chinese – Looked good this first week; but would you really want to brag that Shane Doan and Optimus Reim are carrying your team?  I wouldn’t.

5.  Crosby’s Concussions – Good week and Crosby has been cleared for contact…oh shit.

6.  Jesse Love’s Paymon – Man, the guy you are playing impregnates your sister and then humiliates you in fantasy hockey.  Top that off by losing $20 in the most moronic manner I have ever seen and this is one bad week for GM Steve McIntyre.  I will reenact how to lose $20, Steve McIntyre style.

Steve:  Tell me who you think will win the Stanley Cup this year.  I will be you $20 they don’t.

Jesse:  I think a team that plays in the NHL will win the Stanley Cup.  Ka-Boom.

Well played, Cook.

7.  Super Sperm – Pimping Nugent-Hopkins apparently isn’t easy, with all trades being rejected, from absurd to a bargain for the other team (I am looking at you, Clarence Swampton).  Maybe it will work out because the learning curve appears pretty steep with the young hockey Jedi, and the NHL gives him credit on goals he didn’t score.

8.  Anzoolander – Anze delivered and will be in the Rocket Richard race all year but this team needs more from Jaroslav Halak, who may go down in a long line of first round busts by GM Jesse Cook, arguably the Matt Millen of fantasy hockey.

9.  Pistol’s Hellcats – I think we can give the most assists in the league to this team.  Unfortunately, that is only one category of many.  Goalies may be a problem, with one concussed and one playing like he is over 40 (because he is over 40).  Hopefully he learned from last season and knows what to do (hint: sell high on Williams).

10.  Clarence Swampton – After this week’s performance, turning Stamkos into prospects might not be such a bad idea after all.

11.  Texans – Interesting to see if Schneider can help this team compete in goaltending categories; this team is the fantasy version of Roberto Luongo right now.  I still think this team can be a contender and is just having a slow start, but we shall see.

12.  Bizarrohawks – I have come to believe that GM Scott Freeland’s fantasy hockey karma is derived from hitting range balls with a brand new driver not yet paid for.  That is the only thing I can figure.

13.  Flowers in the Cage – GM Cole Ballard asked “should I be in panic mode yet?”  To which I respond; perhaps.

14.  Not Poodle!!! – At least you have Duncan Keith.  Jerk.

A reminder – payment is due by October 31.  Failure to pay by then will result in the suspension of your team from adding or dropping players.  Failure to pay by November 15 will result in the inability to adjust your roster week to week.  The preferred method is Paypal; it will take you two minutes to sign up and you can pay by credit card.  Payments can be sent to puckyourself at live dot com.  League dues owed can be found here.

A Look at the Draft

We had record attendance at this year’s draft, and with such a big league, it is tough to identify who were the clear winners in this draft. Lets take a look at each team and identify where they are strong, and where they fell short.

Ottawa HC – Arguably the youngest team in the draft, and certainly the one with the greatest risk reward. Will Spezza and Gagner come back to his form from a few years ago? Will Gaborik, Lehtonen and Vanek stay healthy? Will Gustavsson live up to his hype? This team has 8 players with less than 3 years experience in the league and needs a lot to go right to compete, but if it does, this team could be a force.

Malkin in the Middle – A well rounded team with solid goaltending, offense and defense. Lacks depth, but if this team can stay healthy, it could be a force. On the other hand, players like Knuble, Tanguay, and Elias may produce like Knuble, Tanguay, and Elias, in which case this team is fucked.

Sultan HC – 7 of 10 starting on offense play on just two teams. While the majority of those players are strong, it just takes one bad week for those two teams, perhaps maybe the first week of the playoffs, and this team could be in trouble. Very solid goaltending, but overall, this teams lack of diversity means GM Cole Ballard is clearly a racist, sexist, ageist and anti-dentite.

Jesse Love Paymon – Some juggernauts on offense, but the talent quickly falls outside the center eligible players. Goalies will be a source of points for this team throughout the year, as Ellis may see a return to form with a young, talented a much better team in front of him. GM Steve McIntyre is already busy, dealing Getzlaf and a 5th round pick for Toews and a 4th round pick to the idiot, Bert Fong. Well played McIntyre.

Camel Toews – Made some deft moves during the draft and has a very well rounded team. The weak spot is at D, but that isn’t a bad place to be weak. I like the drafting of Franzen late as almost all other Red Wings were drafted too high. Mason should have a bounce back year after a sophmore slump and in a new system, and Downie should be a good source of points and PIMs. Has arguably the most worthless bench in the league though, which may be a source of concern. The rest of the league always keeps on eye on this team as GM Jesse Cook has a knack for dropping players with actual talent.

Kanucks – After Dany Heatley, arguably the most offensive player on this team is a defensemen. This team is horrible. I don’t even like the goalies. No relief on the bench either. Crossfit can’t save this team from being awful.

Bizzarohawks – This team has some great fantasy all stars with a solid supporting cast. Goalie play may be a concern for this team as Nittymaki fights for a starting job. I think this team is going to have weeks of domination mixed with weeks of being ass pummeled. Whether the mix leans in this team’s favor is the question.

Captain Chinese – Dare I say that Bert Fong didn’t eliminate his chances right at the draft. Dare I say he might actually do something this year? Nope, I don’t. Horrible team of mainly supporting cast players which should help him miss the playoffs by 5-20 points this year.

Texans – Last year’s Anze Cup runner up has some heavy hitters, but may be a little lacking at second winger. The love affair with Brian “The Wall” Elliot continues this year, but overall this team’s goalie tandem is as weak as GM Chris Thomas’ wireless internet connection.

Not Poodle!!! – Starting three d-men. Pretty much says all that needs to be said. This team should lead the league in PIMs with Bourque, Lucic, Oshie, and three d-men. Great pick up of Jamie Benn, hopefully GM Matt Welsh actually starts him.

This space 4 rent $5 – With the exception of one concussed player, this team has the potential to keep the dynasty of the Borg in tact. Has one franchise center and many other solid players. This team will hinge on netminders, both of which could have very good or very bad years.

Suck it Watson – Arguably the best wingers group in the league, and the worst centers. A few flyer picks on guys who probably won’t pan out, but this team has to very good young goalies that a fantasy franchise can be built around.

Pistol’s Hellcats – Rookie campaign has GM Pete “Pistol” Shpak going deep in goalies. As for the rest of the roster, is there anyone that any GM looks at and thinks “damn, I wish I had that guy?” Sure, there is some talent, but is there any one who can lead this franchise? We all saw what making Roberto Luongo captain does, not sure if it can work on a fantasy squad. Kudos to the GM for his team picture, arguably the best in fantasy sports.

Me So Vyborny – This team has overachievers (Burrows), underachievers (Leino, Jokinen, and Briere), veteran goaltenders and defensemen and players that might have breakout years (Wheeler and Abdelkader). Wouldn’t be surprising to see this team at the top of the standings if the underachievers come around and GM Matt Meier stops using roster spots for people playing in the AHL (Mathieu Carle).

Team names will be locked Monday, October 11. After that day, it is $5 to change your team name. All balances, trades and transactions are being tracked and can be viewed here. Entry fees are still due from the majority of the league, with entries fees due by November 1st. After that, for any team that entry fees are outstanding that team will be unable to trade, drop or add players until entry fees are paid. Instructions on how to pay are mentioned in a previous post.

The Worst Moves

In light of the Chicago Blackhawks wheeling and dealing to sign three very good players to build a franchise around (though, what kind of franchise you can build with how little money they have left is a contentious debate), I figured it was time to look at the moves made up to this point in the Puck You fantasy league.  Specifically, the shitty moves.  The task was simple.  Each GM would submit, in order, their top (or bottom?) three worst moves of the year.  Each selection would get points based on their rating, (3 for being the 1st pick, 2 for the second pick and 1 for a third pick), and the results are compiled here.  Thanks to the 8 managers that responded to the pole and a big go fuck yourself to the rest.  Without further adieu, I present the top 3 moves considered to be the worst…

3.  People Know Me drops Jimmy Howard right before he becomes a stud – Since being dropped by People Know Me, Jimmy has won 8 games on 12 starts, boasted a 2.40 GAA and a .914 save percentage.  Luckily, GM Jesse Cook has filled the gaping void left by Paymon’s cock in his ass Jimmy with the phenom know as Brian Elliot, who sports a 3.09 GAA. 2 wins on 7 starts and a .891 save percentage.  Moves like this are good for the entire league, save People Know Me.

2.  Kanucks drafting Pavel Datsyuk over Sidney Crosby - Even with Sidney sitting out because his penis is sore from banging all the lovely ladies of Steel town, when you have the chance to take potentially the GREATEST PLAYER OF ALL TIME vs. anyone a very, very good Russian, you draft him.  Even worse, Kanucks later dealt Datsyuk for Joe Pavelski and Devon Setoguchi.  Is there anyone out there that would take those two butt pirates and give up Crosby?  Bert doesn’t count.

1.  Drafting Jimmy Howard in the first round – We all saw it, we all dropped our jaws in shock, and we all pointed and laughed.  As GM Steve McIntyre observed, “that was the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my life.  How he can make fun of me for not knowing how to use a computer after that stunt is beyond me.  Jesse is a joke, or an idiot, or both.  Yeah, he is a joke idiot.”  Goalie management is the only reason this team isn’t in first by a country mile (and is also the only reason Cole Ballard’s team is currently in first…goalies do matter a lot) and while People Know Me has taken advantage of the Kanucks dropping the starting goalie for Anaheim and keeping the backup in Boston, it may not be enough, since the rest of his goalies suck the balls.

Power Rankings: Week 1

If anyone thinks this week gave any indication who has a strong team and who has a weak team, they are wrong, unless it is regarding which team sucks, it which case they are right.  Some game changing injuries to start off the season; sucked in to all those who lost players.  For newbies, keep in mind that there are IR spots that can be utilized to save a hurt player and free up a roster spot.  If you were in this league in previous years, you know this.  If you are Matt Welsh, you are an idiot.

1.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Previous: 4) – As predicted last week, this team has the makings of an offensive juggernaut, riding the stealthy late pick of Anze Kopitar, the offense covered what could be gently described as weak goaltending.  It will be interesting to see if the offense has the staying power to keep this up throughout the year.

2.  TBD (3) – I said I liked this team, and it didn’t disappoint, strong showing in the past week making up for the lack of participation from the general manager, whose has been a mute with the exception of calling Montreal Wanderers’ GM Court Watson a “dick.”

3.  Andre Poodle Lussier (6) – An example that diversification works, this team started hot right out of the gates.  Dropping Franzen for no reason will keep the rest of the league scratching their heads like they got crabs from a Kardashian.  Hopefully, the dumbness of that move won’t come back to bite him, like a crab from a Kardashian.

4.  In Over My Head (11) – Tough to get to excited about this team yet; they beat team auto-draft, so it isn’t necessarily a good indication of what this team has.  In other news, GM Cole Ballard recently completed the 60 mile walk over 3 days for breast cancer awareness, well done.  You can still donate to cancer research and support him here.  The good news is that you know he will finish and your money will be well spent, because he has already done it.  The funds will go along way in finding a cure for breast cancer and keep puck bunnies looking good.  Next year, Cole is planning on doing 100 miles in 2 days.  TBD GM Scott Freeland did 100 miles this morning before work.

5.  $0.20 Kane (2) – A slow start, but GM Red McIntyre isn’t too worried about the offense coming around.  Goalies are suspect though, and one can’t help but wonder if Stevie Franchise is about to enter a sophomore slump.  Red expressed potential interest in Turco when he couldn’t figure out how to read league transactions, going off the record to say that Ray Emery sucked more dick than Red himself does.

6.  Dave’Killer’Carlson (1) – This just in, GM Mike Gaunt logged in for the first time yesterday.

7.  Kanucks (7) – All that pilates GM Dave Kitchen had Paul Kariya doing paid off right out of the gates.  Discretion must be taken when valuing this team however, they beat a team whose GM saw ice for the first time a month ago.

8.  Suck it Trebek (9) – A healthy Gaborik makes this team deadly.  How long the goaltenders will last will be crucial to this team’s success.

9.  Swedish Old Balls (13) – The veterans played pretty well last week, but they are still old and now a Sedin is out for a week.  The goalies are off to a rough start, but they should come around right about the time the rest of the team dies retires slows down.

10.  Malkin in the Middle (5) – Lost the first of many battles of Gannon State Alums.  For 100 fun points, can anybody find that school on a map without help?  Hint: They give scholarships to golfers who can’t break 90.  That isn’t actually a hint, I just wanted to point that out.

11.  Montreal Wanderers (8) – Slow start could be concerning, then again, he may have just played a hot team.  Either way, this team needs to pick it up this week to stop the free fall into the cellar.

12.  Texans (12) – Painful loss of Andrei Markov really, really hurts this team, along with shoddy goaltending from the Tomas Vokoun that needs to change quickly.  I would tell other GMs to expect trade feelers headed their way from GM Chris Thomas, but I am not sure he knows how to propose a trade.

13. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – Doesn’t look like a Cinderella story here folks.  Decent netminding and slow offense produced lackluster results.  The only thing that may save this team is the general sports fantasy prowess of GM Peter Burns.

14.  Bite Me (14) – Question: which team is the first to drop its first round draft pick?  Why, the worst team in the league of course!  Not only that, but the first rounder was dropped for a player who won’t see the starting line up until the third or second last week of the the fantasy hockey league schedule.  The best part is that GM Jesse Cook made his moves so poorly that he gave up two healthy players for one IR player and one healthy player…retarded, to say the least.  The very fact that he hasn’t filled the empty roster spot he now has by moving Johan Franzen to IR is further evidence Cook realizes how stupid he is and is hoping nobody claims O’Sullivan on waivers (or he is trying to get Bertuzzi as a handcuff for Franzen) so he can re-add him to his roster.  Smooth Cook, smooth.

The Best & Worst from the Draft

It has been a while since I have posted anything other than power rankings. The main reason for lack of solid content is that I have made all of five cents in advertising and as a result, have a day job that takes most of my time and energy. As a reminder, please support this blog by visiting the sponsor links in the top right corner and after every post (yes, that was shameless begging).

Let’s face it; the draft can be a crapshoot. Yahoo! uses some super geeky complex formulas to create predictive rankings for the players at the beginning of the year, but c’mon, those rankings often overvalue or miss half of our starting rosters in place by this time in the season. This week, I will share some of the best and worst draft picks in Puck Yourself, based on stats, rankings, and most importantly, my personal opinion.

The Best

3. Patrick Marleau and Zach Parise (tie) – Andre Poodle Lussier and GM Anze Backup – Marleau’s renaissance is to be expected due to his strong performance 2 years ago, but GM Matt Welsh picked him up 115th overall and is now currently ranked 18th. Great job by Welsh to sell him very high and gain a quality forward and solid netminder. Parise has been a bigger surprise, who has more points already this season than his total for either of the previous two seasons. GM Steve McIntyre could not be more happy with Parise's production, noting that he is as “much improved this year as (Steve Shankopotamous GM) Jesse (Cook) is uglier.” Whoa, that is a lot.

2. Phil Kessel – HANK’S AUTOSHOP – Finally becoming the goal scorer the Boston Bruins saw when they drafted him in 2006, Kessel has benefited from another team who has seen a meteoric rise in talent this year. Taken 148th and ranked 44th, credit really can’t be taken by GM Zach Gray. When asked if he participated in the draft, he replied “my job is to surf Facebook for a living, why would I care about a military draft?”

1. Rob Blake – RoBERTo LuFONGo – This geyser has had a resurgence in his career, but who hasn’t on this dynamite San Jose Sharks team? Ranked 35th by Yahoo! this season and drafted as a last second flier, going 161st out of 170. Finally, something manager Bert Fong hasn’t fucked up.

Some draft picks have been downright embarrassing. When looking at the quality of draft picks and current rankings, this writer excluded those who have seen significant injury time (or else Gaborik would have worst pick, hands down) and netminders, since goalies are a different dynamic and really can’t be compared to offensive players. Note the trend in the following three candidates.

3. Eric Cole – Steve Shankopotamous – Carolina dumped him for a reason. Drafted 97th and ranked 201, another “interesting” (and by interesting I mean shitty) pick by GM Jesse Cook. SS got alot of value out of him, as he rode the pine most of the time and then was dropped for Dustin Byfuglien because Cook “liked Byfuglien’s versatility.” Apparently having zero production from a player who can be put into a forward or defensive position is a good thing…good call.

2. Brian Campbell – Steve Shankopotamous – Drafted 24th overall and currently ranked 146, he has underperformed in relation to GM Jesse Cook’s expectations. The most hilarious part about Cook’s management is that he dropped Duncan Keith, the Blackhawks other noteworthy D-man that was drafted 164th and is ranked 101. Noted Ottawa HC GM Court Watson, “He still starts Campbell, what a buffoon.”

1. Anze Kopitar – Steve Shankopotamous – Drafted 57th and ranked 105, this player might not have made the list if GM Jesse Cook hadn’t talked Anze up like he was the best thing since sliced bread. Offering him in trades as an equal to Jeff Carter, Pavel Datsyuk, Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, leaves this writer in awe. Even better, making the comparison that Anze Kopitar is to hockey what Larry Fitzgerald is to Football left all other managers rolling on the floor, laughing their asses off. For these reasons, this player is easily the worst draft pick of the 2008-09 Puck Yourself season.

SAY IT AIN’T SO

Thomas Vanek is out 3-4 weeks with a broken jaw. Maybe Jesse will compare him to Anquan Boldin, who actually had some balls and played with a broken jaw. Bizzarohawks, somehow defied odds, and are now worse.

Steve Mason is the second player this year to be diagnosed with mono…coincidence he contracts the kissing disease right after being traded to the fantasy team managed by a GM with a gay bullseye? I think not.

Alexander Semin is day to day with an injury to his vagina.

Robert Lang, the streaky Montreal Canadien, is out for the rest of the season with a torn left achilles tendon. One wonders if Cole Ballard hired Carl Spackler so “he’ll quit the game” and ultimately sabotage Steve Shankopotamous.

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