Power Rankings: Week 8

Before I thank Henry Kissinger, and before delivering my modest message, I feel obliged to alert college students, progressive academics and all other deeply sensitive souls that these words may contain phrases and ideas that challenge your prejudices. In other words, I formally declare this room an “unsafe space.”

Hello all, as we progress into the middle of the season, we enter the maybe phase.  Maybe Dylan Larkin can shoot an an absurdly high unsustainable percentage for an entire season?  Maybe Crosby has basically hit a metaphorical wall in his career and will never be better?  Maybe Steven Stamkos will never truly be elite, just good?  Maybe John Gibson is the starter going forward?  Maybe Carey Price should just have the surgery?

Maybes cause managers to do “interesting” things.  And by interesting, I mean stupid.  Example include:  Trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers In the Cage), trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers in the Cage), Trading for Jonas Hiller, the Ondrej Pavelec of last season when Ondrej Pavelec was overperforming (2014 – Flowers in the Cage).  All teachable, laughable moments.  You can’t blame a guy for trying, until after he has failed.  Then you point and laugh.

Anyway.

1.  Texans (4) –Wwhen a damn fine team loses to another damn fine team, the damn fine team that won is the best team in the league.  That is this team.  Healthy and getting a little help from unexpected places (the ghost!) when others drop off (Giordano).  Goaltenders are finding their groove, this team is legit.

2.  Philosopher Kings (3) – A damn fine team as well, but not as consistent or as deep as the Texans.  Look for Martin Jones to falter a crucial time, it is feast or famine with that guy.  No other goalie on this team plays enough or is actually that good at hockey.  Tarasenko hurt with McDavid already out could also slow this team.

It is not a coincidence the two guys who work together and spend all day talking fantasy hockey are at the top.  Seriously, does anyone know what these guys actually do for work?

3.  Anzoolander (1) – The injury to Carey Price is going to drag on.  While no surgery will bring him back sooner, we all saw how that went the last time.  There are so many times you can have a used condom as your last line of defense (from personal experience, I would say four times), and this one is clearly about to break.  Also, when a goalie goes on the IR because of the flu, that isn’t the flu, that is Ebola.  Sucks that he has basically lost his starting job during the time.

4.  Lokomotiv 2138 (2) – This team lost to the team with the worst record in the league last week, but in fairness, that team did score the second most points in the league.  That came out of nowhere.  This is probably one of the  best chances of any season that GM Cole Ballard has had to win the Anze Cup, but one wonders when Tomas Plekanec, Thomas Vanek and Jeff Carter stop playing like their 2011 versions and more like their 2015 versions.

Sell high.

5.  Super Sperm (6) – Like every year, solid team.  Like every year, chances of winning are less than they were the year before.  You never know, maybe a playoff run, but the depth on this team consists of young players who are showing they are young and their peak is a ways off.  Also, no team will ever win the Anze Cup with Ryan Miller.

6.  Kane & She Was Abel (8) – Proving racial diversity can work, even in sports mainly for Canadians, which are inherently racist.  By the way, there is a new alcoholic beverage in Canada, and one of its ingredients, in big huge print, is kaffir limes.  The word kaffir comes from Arabic, and essentially means non-Muslim, and was used to describe the Africans taken from their homeland as part of the Indian Ocean slave trade (which absolutely dwarfed the Africa-North America slave trade), the word is considered highly derogatory now and is worse than the word that shall not be spoken in the U.S.  Ah, those Canadians, such a racist bunch.  Now, the most liberal of Canadians will stand up and say “wait, how could we know that, it wasn’t intentional!” yet would be the first person to scream bloody murder if the Japanese came out with a sake infused with n!gger lemons.

Makrut limes.  That is what the non-racist world calls them, Canada.  Also, I CANNOT wait to try this new beverage, looks delightful.

7.  Hatrick Swayze (9) – I expect this team to move up.  Just as Anzoolander is an outlier in points versus shots on the high end, this team is an outlier on the low end (if you don’t think they are correlated, look at our stats this year, and historically.  For this year, 4 of top 6 are identical in both categories).  This team has to come around some time, or Todd has to do something out of panic.  Either way, I am excited to watch.

8.  Pistol’s Hellcats (5) – Lost to one of the worst teams in the league.  Never beats a good team, barely scores any points each week.  Lots of things wrong with this team, but don’t tell Pete that, let him go with that wild imagination he developed playing by himself as an only child who was short.

9.  Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – Nobody has done less with more, and made more less.  Well done.

10.  Kanucks (11) – Can’t tell if Dave is less active because he is more busy or actually realizes his team isn’t that bad.  Who am I kidding, he has ugly t-shirts to make, pictures of food to post on facebook, and terrible blog posts about competitive exercising (which is for people who are bad at sports) to publish.

11.  Everett Silvertips (10) – By the end of this season, I expect this team to have touched every second rate goalie in the league in some form or fashion.  Just change your team name to Charlie Sheen and seek treatment for the fantasy hockey AIDs you have.

12.  Me So Vyborny (14) – 2nd in the league in points last week, starting to get healthy, spends zero time on the league, doesn’t do any trades, looking for a new job, moving cities, probably finish last.

13.  Connor McSaviors (12) – It is no fun to bash this team, because GM Ryan Zupan inherited this train wreck.  Oh who am I kidding, stop building your team out of players on the teams in northwestern Canada, they are all fucking toxic.  You suck Zooperpylon.

14.  ChingChong BingBongs (13) – Home is where the heart is.  You are better off watching this video, which I will have on repeat on my TV all Christmas holiday, then spending anymore time thinking about this team.

I watched the entire thing. Peace on earth.

Thank you all.  And thank you Ron Swanson.  JM.

Power Rankings from the Champ

Defending Anze Cup champion has graciously submitted the first (of many, I hope) guest post for this season.  In celebration of the season kicking off today, I present the inaugural 2015-2016 Puck You! power rankings.

I think I have had eleventy crown and gingers at this point; hashtag first class rules.

And here we go:

The Anze Cup is where it belongs. No, not in Slovenia, but in West Vancouver; where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. The Anze Cup had a great summer, kept its GM well hydrated, and is poised to stay at its current residence for years to come. The highlight was clearly drinking out of the Anze Cup while the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (again).

Here is the Week 1 Power Rankings based on the Draft and 100% accurate prediction skills only I possess (Editor’s note: not true, I am much more accurate, but he is still pretty good):

1) Texans – Solid draft (for once) and with so many high picks (and marginal keepers) this team is stacked. Should DD not replicate last season this team could be in big trouble (Bernier is not the answer), however, if he can this team is deep with the best D corps in the league. How Letang was available to pick was unbelievable...what a horrible horrible horrible mistake by Hatrick Swayze.

2) Everett Silvertips - A surprisingly good draft coupled with the 2nd best set of keepers equals another competitive roster for Stupid Court. Spending thousands of hours researching trends while drinking has worked in previous years for Watson, but he will have to up this to tens of thousands of hours to ensure the right moves are made down the stretch to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Good thing Court has nothing but time on his hands.

3) Anzoolander - The last 4 Stanley Cup Champion Captains are: Toews, Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. It is no fluke that this team is poised to defend its crown as Anze Cup Champion with the reigning Vezina and Art Ross trophy winners also on the roster. This team had no option during the draft other than to take some risks, and is hopeful that the likes of Panarin, Kuznetsov and Nichushkin can compliment the star studded keepers. The D is young and one of the weakest in the league and this could make or break it for Anzoolander in his hopes to repeat as Champion (Editor’s note:  No team will benefit more from the 3 on 3 format than Dallas.  No one.  This might be a record year for GWGs by a single team).

4) Lokomotiv 2138 - This was a very safe draft for Cole, and in some ways seemed as if he spent zero time researching and simply picked players he has had on his team before (stick tap though for the best late pick of the draft in Teravainen 141st overall). While this team isn't stacked, it has two solid goalies, players up and down the line-up that are reliable, and for once Cole might actually get lucky and not have his entire team injured down the stretch. Part of me hopes this is his year, but most of me thinks the train will come off the tracks around late February.

 

5) Jesse Loves Paymon - With the second best late draft pick (Sam Bennett at 124), JLP has a nice mixture of young and old players with a solid tandem of Bobby's in net. Time will tell if the health of his older players will hold up, but if so, this team, while not flashy, could be a dark horse this season.

6) Pistol's Hellcats - it is unreal that someone would keep Keith Yandle, then be able to grab Drew Doughty in the 2nd round (something is seriously wrong with this league). Pistol clearly pressed the wrong button when he drafted Max "I play for the motherfuckin Yotes" Domi 51st overall as there is no chance this guy would have been picked by anyone (except Bert) before the 10th round. This team is average but the goalies are superior and hence, The Hellcats will be in every single match this season.

 

7) Hatrick Swayze - Toots must have thanked Jeebus for being the 2nd in line to take over a franchise. This allowed him to acquire Crosby and some decent keepers instead of Zupan's complete mess of an acquisition. Toots decided to try and make things even by keeping Backes as opposed to Letang and taking JVR with the 7th overall selection. "Earth to Meekus...and Earth to Todd." Do you know Phil Kessel got traded in the off-season and that Toronto is as bad a team as the Canucks? LOL. While you started at rock bottom you did make some better picks along the way (couldn't get any worse) which will allow this team to fight for a playoff spot this post season.

8) Philosopher King - with the worst team name in the league, GM Luke Mackinnon scooped up the second best rookie in the draft with his selection of Connor McDavid. This team has a ton of offensive weapons and Klingberg could put up some in huge numbers this season as the QB of Dallas' PP. Goal is a glaring weakness however as any team with a shared crease is a dangerous position to be in and Martin Jones is anything but proven (Editor’s note: tied for most accurate assessment)

9) Super Sperm - no one gets under GM Ryan Schauble's skin quite like our very own Commissioner, but only Super Sperm is to blame for the horrific players drafted last Wednesday evening. Most of his squad was drafted in much too high a round, and due to this instead of being a contender with a solid group of keepers, SS will be fighting to make it into the playoffs. Oh, and it is utterly amazing that SS drafted Dano 123rd overall when he could have picked Panarin (who went 126th....to Anzoolander) who is actually on the team and Dano is riding the bus. LOL (Editor’s note: also tied).

 

10) Me So Vyborny - Ladies and Gentlemen, Phil Kessel is a Keeper, obviously (and Todd, he was traded to Pittsburgh in the off-season. Pittsburgh is a different city than Toronto and thus, JVR will no longer be playing with Kessel). With Kessel, Sharp and Johansen's stock all rising in the off-season due to new line-mates, a good draft would have propelled this team into contention. Unfortunately, the draft was just average and banking on Talbot, Anderson and Mason in net could hold this team back. Trades and/or waiver wire steals will be necessary to get this team to the promised land.

11) Kane and she was Abel (too soon?) - These will get shorter now as the remaining teams, well...aren't good? (with rising inflection of the voice).  Any team with Big Buff should win but for some reason this team won't. On paper there are some big names, some grinders for PIMs but time will tell if they can gel as a team and win enough offensive categories to make up for the shaky goalies in the crease.

12) Connor McSaviors - GM Ryan Zupan didn't have much choice in the crap that was dumped on his lap, but this didn't stop him from drafting 2 more Oilers when he already has one in Taylor Hall. Good news for him is Draisaitl will actually be playing in the AHL to start the season so great strategy man! It will be interesting to see how Zupan wheels and deals during the season to try and replicate what Luke did last year (aka Silver Medallist aka Luke Dawg aka Loves Sunsets aka Hates Vegas (say whaaahhht) aka aka aka recycled burn thanks Court). As for Zupan's beloved Oilers, the great thing for McDavid is he has seen and done everything there is to do in Edmonton so he can focus entirely on hockey (Note: there is absolutely nothing to see or do in Edmonton) (Editor’s note:  hahahahahahaha)

 

13) Kanucks - This team is about as deep as a well in Sudan (Editor’s note:  I think you have to dig pretty deep to get water in Sudan, so I think he is referring to the amount of actual water in the well, but you get his drift). The players are household names (for the family of the players only) and having goalies in STL and OTT are just a bad, bad, bad idea. Almost as bad as an idea as this poor woman:

14) Chingchong Bingbongs - As the saying goes, you win some, you lose some, and you Chingchong Bingbong some. After trading away Jack Eichel (effectively) for a back up goalie in Carolina and Hornquist and 2 kgs of rice, clearly GM Bert Fong pulled an all-nighter before the draft as some of his picks were. just. shocking. Given the history of Bertmetrics there should be no reason to be shocked by GM Bert Fong, however, once again, we wuh wong. We all love our Token Asian and hope he can at least beat Dave this season. What a battle that will be for next years #1 pick!

Guest blogs are encouraged and appreciated all season to take the pressure off of Stupid Court, and can be very quick and dirty (that's what she said).

Good luck this season Gentlemen.

Anzoolander

What a great start.  I feel excited.

JM

Playoff Eulogy: Jesse Loves Paymon

n honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the sixth in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer.   Here, Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook pays his respects to the Jesse Loves Paymon.

Jesse Loves Paymon - RIP

As the saying goes, "you are only as good as your weakest link." In this case the weakest link of Jesse Loves Paymon (JLP) is clearly its GM, Stephen Ronald McIntyre.

Stephen's propensity to over-value older players in the twilight of their careers is well known. Players like: Kelser, Malkin, Bergeron, Lupul, Suter and Dubinsky all faltered down the stretch due to having such old balls. You would think anyone with 1/100th of a brain could figure this out...but obviously Stephen could not. Perhaps Stephen should have this guy take over his team next season.

While I will give JLP credit for some decent trades before the stretch run, it was a case of too little too late. I was amazed he actually traded Cam "I was last good in 2006" Ward for an actual starter (all hail DD). Why JLP didn't pull the trigger on that faster is anyone's guess as clearly Bobrovksy was losing cases all season long and Jimmy Howard looked more like Timmy Howard.

This will be a tough off-season for JLP as coming in 4th place is really really really bad. JLP was simply out-classed in the semi finals by eventual Anze Cup winner Anzoolander. Then, JLP got jack-hammered in the back alley by the Everett Silvertips in the Consolation Final (aka who gives a shit final). 

I'll leave you with an actual photo of JLP watching the semi-finals when he realized his team full of losers would not go thru to the Finals. No idea who the broad is...but she also looks upset...probably because you ate all of the popcorn you selfish bastard!

2013-2014 Awards Voting

As we get ready for the 2014-2015 season (more on that later today), now is the perfect time to vote on the 2014-2015 award winners.  Some new faces as nominees in each category, so lets get straight to it.

Jack Adams award

As you will recall, this award goes to the best fantasy hockey GM in our league, as judged by his/her peers.  The nominees are:

Pete Shpak, Pistol’s Hellcats – The only thing you ever need on your resume is on his, the Anze Cup champion.  Has a solid team, made a few good moves, and had a bit of luck, and ended up on top.  Longevity of his team may be in doubt, but last year, he was the best.

Jesse Cook, Anzoolander – A good run that fell short in a predictable way; going with an old goalie late in the season.  One could argue trading for Miller got him to the finals, and one could argue it cost him the finals.  Either way, Jesse is one of the most active GMs in the league and his moves got him to final.  Of course, you could also argue he has to be active because he is terrible at drafting.  You decide.

Sean Stock, Super Sperm – Since joining Super Sperm as a GM, this team has consistently been one of the favorites.  While it has yet to win the big one, his ability to keep this team in the league elite has been impressive.

Eugene Adams award

As you will recall, this award goes to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his/her team’s failure.  Quite a group of misfits we have this year:

Ryan Schauble, Super Sperm – insiders say the decisions made by Ryan are the sole reason that Super Sperm has never one the big one.  When you listen to him argue who is and isn’t a keeper (obv), it pretty much confirms this.  And he spells fuck wrong on a consistent basis, which further supports idiocy

Dave Kitchen, Kanucks – Like Jesse, one of the most active general managers in the league, however unlike Jesse, he can’t get out of the cellar.  His choices are bad.  I mean, seriously, all you do it watch people get good at exercising.  Figure out fantasy hockey.

Matt Meier, Me So Vyborny – The level of mediocrity this team exhibits is nothing short of astounding.  Outsiders are hopeful moving to a hockey town will change this team’s prospects.  Matt has once described his strategy as follows; “when someone offers a trade to me, I ask what Cole (Ballard) and Court (Watson) think.  I always end up going with what Cole thinks.”  Explains everything.

Andy Kordyban award

As you will recall, this award goes to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to be the biggest clown.  Aptly named, and usually won by Jesse Cook.  Here are this year’s nominees:

Court Watson – After back to back championships, missed the playoffs with a loss in the final week.  All but disappeared from fantasy hockey, but still pretends like he knows what he talking about.  Embarrassing and terrible all at once

Jesse Cook – Nobody is more vocal about how good his team his before they actually are good, and gets everyone thoroughly laughing at him and not with him.  He is a two time recipient for a reason

Matt Welsh – If you recall the start of the season, he traded for people then dropped them, and gave away good players for plugs.  If his moves were so absurdly clownish, he would be up for Eugene Adams, but this year was so bad for him he not eligible for that award.

There you have it.  Please vote in the polls on the sidebar, and thank you for all that you do.

The Semifinals

If we could make the league playoff format like the NHL, I would, just to call this the Conference Finals, because the Semifinals sounds like something from Court’s house league soccer days.

Last week’s predictions – 3-1

In case you missed last week, you really didn’t miss much.  The teams that were terrible and slipped in solely because better teams fought injuries all year were absolutely embarrassed in the first round.  I mean like Hugh Grant with a male hooker embarrassed.  Terrible.

In a reversal of every year in this league prior to this one, we have three teams from the Prince of Wales conference left and one team from the Clarence Campbell conference.  When I look at the two matchups, I see parallels to this year’s NFL playoffs, where one side is actually the real Super Bowl, and the other is just a side show.

1. Super Sperm vs. 4. Anzoolander – Like the Seattle Seahawks versus the San Francisco fucktards 49ers, this is the real championship in my mind.  Both teams are stacked, and both have the same weakness; terribly suspect goaltending.  Anzoolander is easily the hotter team over the past couple of weeks, with the return of steroid Stamkos and the emergence of Gustav Nyquist (side note: his current pace is not sustainable, but he only needs to keep going a little longer).  When If Anzoolander wins the Anze Cup, will this be like the San Francisco Giants winning with Barry Bonds?  Will there be an asterisk beside this title?  You can’t help the lingering feeling of doubt when someone has their leg severed at the hip comes back twice as fast as the expected recovery time was.  Something just doesn’t seem right, like cheater Adrian Peterson in the NFL.

Prediction:  Jesse Cook and Team Balco move on as Sean Stock’s absolutely horrible goaltending selection this week gets laughed off the ice, 7-4.

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats vs. 2. Blackhawks – This match is an afterthought really, when compared to the first match, with the Blackhawks slipping in on blind luck.  I fail to see a team whose best offensive player is a d-man moving on, but when the team you are playing is so mediocre, who the hell knows what will happen.

Prediction:  Blackhawks continue their sheer fluke path to the Anze Cup, and somehow Edward Lack is a deciding in determining who will be this year’s Anze Cup Champion.  Blackhawks win 6-5.

Godspeed gentlemen.  You too, Pistol.

Power Rankings: Week 6

Hello all!  I know everyone has eagerly been awaiting the first power rankings of the season.  My humble apologies for being less than diligent; my real job seems to take up more time than explaining anything involving simple math to Steve.

Lets get right to it.  As always, these are personal opinion and the primary goal is to offend you.

1.  Pistol’s Hellcats – Despite having terrible goalies, this team’s offense is most impressive and often carries the team.  Not sure if Ben Scrivens is the answer to anything, but let the good times roll!  Also, a below par goalie and a defenseman are his only two players worth keeping that are below the age of 30, but for now, whoooooooohooooooooooo!

2. ChingChing BingBongs – I think I like this team. I can’t believe I just said that. Hold please, I need to go smash my head against the wall.

3. Super Sperm – Fantastic offense driven by the resurgence of Ovechkin and the sheer dumb luck of drafting Alex Steen in the 12th round (how the fuck does this guy lead the league in goals, it can’t last). Arguably the worst set of goaltenders on the planet after losing Sausage Pasta Pekka Rinne. Luckily, GM Ryan Schauble is running a smooth ship, and of his two players currently not in the NHL, only one is on the active rosters. Oh wait, he just dropped one for Peter Budaj. That solves EVERYTHING. Nice one.

4. Anzoolander – The primary asset of this team broke his leg in 62 places this week, but this team keeps on churning. I think this team could make a very deep run in the playoffs, but lets not forget this team’s history with Brian “The Wall” Elliot; he has found a way to ruin this team almost every year. Being on this team isn’t going to change that. Also, GM Jesse Cook has joined an elite club of douches pretending to like shit that is really old and boring to seem more cultured.

Smiley face?!!?! WTF? How far up your ass is your own dick? Just change your name to Lois Einhorn for the love of god.

5.  Halifax Highlanders – Similar to Pistol’s Hellcats, this team is very strong offensively with some issues in the goaltending department.  Unlike Pistol’s Hellcats, the issues are not that the goalies are old or average; it is that one might go to jail for a very long time, and the other is Steve Mason.  And then of course your backstop is Nabakov, and you traded your first rounder for a guy who has one more goal than I do.  As I write this, I realize these rankings are way off and there are teams at the top of the standings that are absolute anomalies, which leads me to my next team….

6.  Flowers in the Cage – Your smoke and mirrors team of 2013-14 every body!  There isn’t a starting goalie on this team, and half the players are over the age of 40 (rough estimate).  My prediction is this team will be fighting for the last playoff spot at the end of the season.  Write that down.

7.  Milton Icehawks – Is either first or second in all goaltending categories, and top 4 in 7 of 10 offensive categories.  Yet, this team is fighting for a playoff spot, and the injury bug is hitting hard, seeing Quick, Green, Bolland, Gaborik and probably six other players go down by the time next week starts.  Luckily, the players are out extended periods of time, but not on IR, to which GM Court Watson has this to say: “4%3($@)#*@)@)S”  You suck Court.

8.  Bizarrohawks – Everything is just kind of going to shit for this team, and for some reason, GM Scott Freeland is ignoring his team and the injuries occuring.  Don’t ignore us Scott, come back please.

9.  The Blackhawks – Why do I have the funny feeling this team will sneak into the playoffs and upset someone?  When your second highest scorer in the last 30 days is T.J. Oshie, I don’t think you are going to win it all, but this team has solid production from everyone involved.

10.  Kanucks – At least GM Dave Kitchen is trying.  I don’t see how it will work, but I have been wrong before.  Okay, I lied.  I haven’t.

11.  Not Poodle!!! – Refuse to even look at this team after the clusterfuck of an offseason.  Idiot.

12.  Texans – Eventually, taking the first overall in the NHL draft as your first pick every year will pay off.  When your first born is in high school, but still.

13.  Me So Vyborny – Tough to come back from such a brutal team from a couple of years ago, but there is some young talent that could ultimately pay off.  GM Matt Meier going to have to be shrewd in trades and drafting, which, if history is any sort of indication, he is not (hint: stop getting advice from Cole Ballard).

14.  Jesse Loves Paymon – I want to make fun of this team, but I actually feel bad for it.  Nobody on the team is happy, GM Steve McIntyre has mismanaged it into a state of depression.  Case in point:  Sean Monahan’s scoring output no where near matched his Corsi or Fenwick, yet rather than sell high, Monahan is now arguably the worst player on this team, which is saying a lot for a team that started Carter Hutton.  At least he has some players on the older side he acquired as part of his rebuild.  Which should take, oh, 10 years of so at the pace Steve is going.

A Message From Our Champion (Finally)

Here it is, one of my personal favorites, the Champion’s letter.  We have had some great ones in the past, lets hope this one can live up to that standard.  It probably won’t, but without further adieu, here is repeating champion, GM Court Watson of the Everett Silvertips:

Do you smell that?  Drink it in.  That is the smell of crisp air.

One day all of you might get to the top like I have, where the air is crisp.

32 minutes.  That is the total amount of NHL hockey I watched this year (complete guess).  I purposely try to watch very little.  Why?  Because if you watch to much, you pick favorites, you get emotional, you suck at fantasy hockey.  Take Steve, he watches a ton, because he sits on his couch a lot, thinks he knows everything about hockey, and has tanked his team (with 8-10 keepers he says!).

So here I am, with the Anze Cup at its rightful home for one more year.  I know all of you see it when I check-in, and it annoys all of you.  And that makes me enjoy drinking out of it that much more.

I am not going to do what this complete asshole does:

Seriously?

No, I am not going to thank people for something I had absolutely nothing to do with, that is just moronic, and stupid. 

This win was all me.  Nobody else.  I did it.  It feels great.  Fuck this era of it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, it is how you play the game.  You know who said that?  A loser.  Winners and losers are 100% self determined, and only winners are willing to admit it.

Kudos to one person, that guy whose name I forgot who saved Super Sperm from Ryan “the Titanic” Schauble.  Well done.  Finally, a worthy adversary.

And for Ryan Schauble and Super Sperm, I have a knock knock joke as my final words (I am assuming you are smart enough to fill in the blanks, I know, very large assumption on my part);

Knock, Knock?

Second Place.

Exactly.

And that is it for this season.  Be on the look out for a post soon on offseason trading, the future draft lottery and all that good stuff.

Not a New Champion

And that is the season folks, with the Everett Silvertips taking home their second in a row Anze Cup, after taking home their second in a row President’s Trophy.  I hope everyone appreciates the dynasty happening before our eyes.  This team made some tough decisions this year, and has even tougher decisions in the future.  But, good teams make tough decisions well, and bad teams are run by Matt Meier.

Big ups to Sean Stock for leading Super Sperm to the finals; impressive for a first year manager and great proof for future managers that may acquire an existing team that great skill can turn around the worst of teams.

There will be some sort of drunk fest over the break to discuss potential changes for the upcoming season and the next season’s draft.  Most likely, inflation will kick in, fees will go up, and that is about it.

Now on to one of my favorite parts of this blog; year end awards.  Let’s take a look at the finalists for each award.  Please take a moment to vote on each in the sidebar over on the right.

Jack Adams – awarded to the best general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Court Watson, Everett Silvertips – Back to back President’s Trophies, Back to Back Anze Cups.  Pretty much not more to say.  Made a bold move dealing Ilya Kovalchuk at the start of the year but it didn’t seem to hurt the team, all while giving this team another early pick in the draft.  Keepers on the team are pretty young, and this team could be a force for a while.

Sean Stock, Super Sperm – Led this team from near death in to the Anze Cup finals this year.  Hats off to a great first year effort, identifying the right talent to get this team from the disaster whatever-his-name managed it to to make this team a serious contender.

Scott Freeland, Bizarrohawks – How many of you know that this team has been in the semifinals in back to back years?  Like a ninja, Scott quietly does thoughtful analysis and puts his team in a position to win.  Like Flowers In the Cage, I root for this team because the GM has passion for this league.  Some of you jack fucks could take notes.

Eugene Adams – awarded to the worst general manager of the year, as voted on by his peers.

Steve McIntyre, Jesse Loves Paymon – Started the year by exclaiming he had a championship team.  Then finished second last.  The exclaimed that he had more keepers than the league allowed.  WTF?  Audacity of hope?  More like audacity of nope.

Matt Meier, Me So Vyborny – Last by a mile and too hesitant to make any moves that would shake up his roster.  Basically, if this team ever wants to get better, Matt needs to completely ignore his gut feeling. 

Mike Gaunt, Dr. Hook – Believes that holding on to Stamkos and Luongo can make this team great, only problem is they have already peaked and this team is still awful.  Good luck on this one.

Andy Kordyban – awarded to the biggest clown/idiot/douche/joker/homo/jew/circus act of the league.

Steve McIntyre – see above.  Had to be joking, but in all seriousness, wasn’t.

Jesse Cook – As always, an active participant, instilling passion in the league trying to become the best, all the while making others laugh at him, not with him.  Remember when he dropped Derek Stepan for Paul Bissonnette?  One lead the New York Rangers in points, the other was a pylon for the Phoenix Coyotes. 

Ryan Schauble – pretended he had any control whatsoever in this league and everyone played along and then talked about how little control he had when he wasn’t there.  Good times.

Voting is open for the next week or so, and coming up: a eulogy for Super Sperm and a message from the Anze Cup Champion, the Everett Silvertips.

Welcome to the Anze Cup Finals

This is what everyone worked for, but only two teams have a chance of obtaining.

I can only imagine that for both, the emotions are similar to this:

There is no better sport for commercials about the playoffs. None.

Fuck, are NHL playoff commercials the best or what?

Don’t know if anyone was watching, but with 42 seconds left in the last game of the week, Super Sperm needed either a GWG that was also a PPG or the team’s +/- to increase by 2, or else they were out.  And sure enough, Mike Richards to Jeff Carter at even strengh in overtime provided that boost, and into the finals Super Sperm goes.  Lets take a look at the final matchup

1.  Everett Silvertips vs. 5. Super Sperm

Between these two teams you have the last three President’s Trophy winners and the top overall scoring team versus the top goal scoring team in the league this season.  In what looks to be a shoot out, this matchup will come down to three key facets:

1. Goaltending – Both teams have struggled to show consistent goaltending, though as of late the Everett Silvertips have consistently been one of the best teams in the league.  GM Ryan Schauble, in what can only be another demonstration of his GM prowess (or lack thereof), failed to make any significant moves to improve his goaltending before the trade deadline, and it almost cost him in the semifinals.  Their numbers last week were embarrassing.

2.  Power play points – Although Everett Silvertips outscored Super Sperm 353 to 328 in total points, the ‘Tips lack in points with the man advantage.  28.3% of the ‘Tips points came on with the man advantage, while Super Sperm saw 37.2%.  In a tight matchup, those two extra scoring categories could be the difference maker.

3.  Terrorists – Those two fucktards in Boston almost cost the Everett Silvertips this past week as a result of the Bruins’ games being postponed, but that could end up being a benefit this week, as the Bruins extend their season one extra day.  That could be one extra goalie start, and the ‘Tips have 34 offensive starts to Super Sperm’s 31 in the final week.

In the end, I am going to make a John Madden like prediction and say that the team that scores the most points usually wins.  Given the hot streak of Super Sperm as of late, I think they are going to take the Anze Cup for the first time.  Super Sperm over Everett Silvertips, 8-5-3.

Some thoughts:

1.  Jesse Cook has changed jobs and become a Real Estate Agent.  This will probably mean an increased focus on fantasy hockey, now that he has the same amount of free time as a teacher, or Pete Shpak, which is to say that it is a lot.

2.  Speaking of which, with all that free time, why is Pete Shpak so bad at fantasy hockey?

3.  If Super Sperm wins, GM Ryan Schauble should probably award Adam Oates the MVP trophy.

4.  Pekka Rinne looked like sausage pasta this past week. 

5.  Brian Elliot, aka “The Wall” finally hit one of his own.  Thank god.  If Bert won, I would flip the table and exit the room.  Bert was 42 seconds from the Anze Cup finals, and if that had happened, it would have been all but a lock.

6.  Cole Ballard, in the true spirit of anyone who has just been eliminated from the playoffs, went golfing this week in Phoenix.  Lucky.

7.  It will be interesting to see if the shitty teams stay silent during the offseason trade period; in speaking with a lot of the GMs, they have this notion they can rebuild using the draft.  This must be based on the fact that in theory that 1) the best 84 players are already held by the teams in the league and 2) their past track record indicates great drafting.  Yeah, that is why they suck.

8.  I do know there will be some absolute gems in the draft next season, but I think the teams at the bottom won’t know who they are.

9.  Remember when GM Steve McIntyre said he had a really good team at the start of the year.  About that….

10.  I need nominees for the Andy Kordyban, Jack Adams and Eugene Adams awards this year.  Please leave any potential nominees in the comments below.  Again, I stress nominees, not winners.  One year, I posted nominees for the Jack Adams, and Steve McIntyre flipped shit over one of the nominees like they were the winner.  I guess that makes sense, when your entire life you only walk accidentally ass backwards into any victory in your life, and don’t understand what winning actually is.

11.  The Masters.  If only it was every week.

12.  The four teams in the semifinals all had weak goaltending, which may indicate that goaltending doesn’t matter, but when you look closer, 3 of the 4 had winning records in almost all goaltending categories throughout the season.  Goaltending matters.  Significantly.

13.  Of course, that means GM Steve McIntyre recently pondered aloud if he would be keeping any of his goalies.

14.  To which, GM Court Watson pondered aloud if there is any player on Steve’s team who is worth keeping at all.

15.  I just found out the NBA playoffs have already started.  What a bad sport.  So boring.

16.  Rumor has it a jersey was delivered to Matt Duchene this past week.  That jersey was a Gabriel Landeskog jersey, and was at the request of Court Watson.  One can only guess what it might come back saying.

17.  Court hopes that it comes back this week, for some good ju-ju.

18.  I wish I still received drunken voicemails about the league.  Like this one:

19.  I debated making a coffee table book of the best of this blog, but then I realized it could never top Cosmo Kramer’s book.

20.  In all seriousness, it is amazing that Sean Stock has been able to repair the damage done by Ryan Schauble and take Super Sperm to the finals.

New Season Starts Now

Happy playoffs everyone!  What an exciting week, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Game, the Masters, and our playoffs.  I couldn’t be more excited.  Man, there were some shitty teams this year, but they are no longer involved, and good riddance.  The bulk of those teams will probably be golfing this time next year as well.  Here are my usually highly accurate to the point they are almost Nostradamus like predictions for the quarterfinals.

1. Everett Silvertips vs. 8. Not Poodle!!!

After missing the playoffs last year, Not Poodle takes on the back to back President’s Trophy winner.  A big week got Not Poodle into the playoffs,  but keeping a concussed Patrice Bergeron in the starting lineup puts this team at a disadvantage.  The Everett Silvertips first in points but with suspect goaltending and battling injuries to key players.  The curse of the President’s Trophy may rear its ugly head this week, and an eight seed will move on.

Prediction:  Not Poodle squeaks out a win, 8-6-2.

2. Captain Chinese vs. 7. Anzoolander

Two words:  The Wall.  This matchup was over before it started.  I would be absolutely shocked if Brian Elliot lets in a single goal, and expect him to lead Captain Chinese in wins, shutouts, game winning goals, power play goals, etc.

Prediction:  Brian Elliot is nominated for the role of God, Captain Chinese wins 10-4-2.

3.  Flowers in the Cage vs. 6.  Bizzarohawks

Bizzarohawks started the season off on fire, but has cooled down substantially.  But, they are playing the team of misfit goalies;  For some reason, GM Cole Ballard dropped arguably his best goalie with a season record of 14-1.   Arguably the dumbest move of the year, I hope David Legwand is the missing link you hope he is (he isn’t).

Prediction:  Craig Anderson is still rusty, and Bizzarohawks move on to next week when Kovalchuk returns to action, winning 9-5-2.

4.  Kanucks vs. 5.  Super Sperm

I am already laughing at the shit-kicking this is going to be.   Fuck is this going to be funny.  Hottest team in the league looks like they aren’t slowing down, and the Kanucks suck.

Prediction:  Super Sperm wins 14-0-2.

Two thoughts:

1.  GM Steve McIntyre says he likes where his team is going into next year.  First person I have met who openly admits to liking being horrible and finishing last every year.

2.  To the rest of you, you embarrass me.  Yuck.

Power Rankings: Week 22

We are in the final week of the regular season, and for some of you, it couldn’t end sooner.  You suck.  Your team was perfectly depicted in Kevin Ware’s leg exploding on Sunday (I actually couldn’t watch that video).  Actually, maybe your team is worse.

1. Kanucks (2)

2. Super Sperm (3)

3. Bizzarohawks (1)

4. Captain Chinese (8)

5. Anzoolander (7)

6. Everett Silvertips (4)

7. Not Poodle!!! (10)

8. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

9. Texans (9)

10. Flower’s In the Cage (5)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)

14. Me So Vyborny (14)

Some thoughts:

1.  Only one team has secured a playoff spot, which is the lowest total we have ever had in the final week.  The difference between 4th and 9th is 10 points, or five wins.  I love watching the playoff picture change everyday.

2.  Normally, teams all the way in the cellar are still in it, but teams 11 through 14 (you know who you are) have brought in a particularly pungent level of stank into this season.

3.  Like redhead muff stank.

4.  Crosby took a puck to the face on Saturday, effectively ending Crosby’s Concussions season.  Maybe change the name to not describe an injury to the only player on your team that should be in the NHL, you know, for karma’s sake?

5.  GM Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon is pissed this guy isn’t on waivers yet:

6.  Steve was also recently spotted in Columbus cheering on his awful new goalie:

7.  Fuck is Steve bad at fantasy hockey.  Bad.  Bad.  Bad.

8.  This year, the Everett Silvertips are all but a lock to win the President’s Trophy.  GM Court Watson is not happy about this.  Court is weary of the curse of winning the President’s Trophy and how no team who has won goes on to win the Anze Cup.

9.  Except the Everett Silvertips last year.  Court is feeling a bit better now.

10.  Seriously, prior to last year, the last time the President’s Trophy winner took home the Anze Cup was 2005.

11.  Amazingly, that was the Rat Portage Thistles, managed by none other than Court Watson

12.  The lowest seed to ever win?  The eighth seeded Amish Rake Fighters in 2009, winning in a tiebreaker over the Texans.

13.  True story that has nothing to do with fantasy hockey.  In 1998, Anzoolander’s GM Jesse Cook’s sister found a wallet in the water in Deep Cove.  That wallet had an ID in it that gave Jesse the power to walk into places like the Wild Coyote and Fraser Arms (classy, I know) as a 19 year old.  Once 1999 came around and it was no longer needed, that ID was passed on to Court, who then used that ID to get into places in San Antonio, Texas like Midnight Rodeo as a 21 year old until 2001.  The person on that ID?  Phineas Page.  Jump to 2013, and who does Pistol Hellcats GM Pete Skpak end up going to a bachelor party in Aspen with?  Phineas Page.  Coincidence?  Yes.  Fantasy Hockey implications?  Absolutely.

14.  If you haven’t heard about it, Ryan Schauble runs a majors golf pool that is pretty fun.  WTF else are you going to do once you are out of the playoffs for this league?  Watch baseball?  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

15.  If none of those interest you, I recommend www.kateuptondancing.com; hours of enjoyment.

16.  After moving Marian Hossa out of IR into a roster spot prematurely, instead of moving Cam Ward into the IR spot, JLP dropped Viktor Stalberg.

17.  Stalberg is ranked higher than 9 of 16 players on offense for JLP.  Seriously, it just keeps getting better for this team.

18.  Goaltenders will play a huge part of the fantasy playoffs; there has been a lot of disruption from historical norms in goaltender stats; I don’t think anyone is very comfortable with how steady their current goaltending tandem is come next week.

19.  For instance, the second best goalie in the last 30 days is a backup on Pittsburgh and will be on the bench going forward, and the best goalie on the team sitting atop this league’s standings is now in the minors.

20.  Seriously, this list is hilarious; Devan Dubynk and Evgeni Nabakov are top ten goalies going in the playoffs.

21.  Pekka Rinne eeks in at 23, and Jon Quick isn’t even on the first page.  Halak and Elliot are both terrible.  Madness.

22.  With what happened last night in Minnesota, Brian Elliot may determine the winner of the Anze Cup.  I have a gut feeling about this, and I am usually right.  We are in for a perfect storm.

23.  Fuck me, I think Captain Chinese is now my pick to win the Anze Cup.  Unfucking berievabre.

24.  A lot of teams have goalies as keepers that are getting on in years.  I imagine they will continue to keep them until they die, rather than trade them for prospects.  I call this the Calgary Flame syndrome.  Not really similar to how the Calgary Flames operate, other than shitty team management.

25.  There is a potential for the NHL trade deadline to have some major impact on fantasy hockey teams.

26.  Like last year, it probably won’t.  The trade deadline is often overhyped, and under delivers.

27.  Flowers in the Cage had less total points last week than his opponent had assists.  He started Justin Peters thinking he was Pete Peters.  The team is imploding at the wrong time.  Craig Anderson really needs to come back.

28.  I still believe Cole, I still believe.

29.  The fact I just said CRAIG ANDERSON needs to come back makes me believe just a little less.

30.   Apologies for the week effort, studying is killing my creative spirit.

Power Rankings: Week 19

Happy trade deadline day everyone! We had some fast and furious action by some teams in the last few days which added some excitement to the league. Unfortunately, almost nobody in the playoffs did anything of substance, which means they are hoping their current team is enough. It isn’t. Lets take a look at this week’s rankings.

1. Bizzarohawks (1)

2. Kanucks (3)

3. Super Sperm (9)  

4. Everett Silvertips (4)

5. Flower’s In the Cage (2)

6. Crosby’s Concussions (6)

7. Anzoolander (5)

8. Captain Chinese (7)

9. Texans (8)

10. Not Poodle!!! (10)

11. Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (12)

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (14)

14. Me So Vyborny (13)

Some thoughts:

1.  Super sperm is peaking too early.  And their GM, Ryan Schauble, is too bad to realize this.

2.  After having a couple flights in coach (shudder), I am back in first class.  And drunk.  Life is grand.

3.  After being labeled as the worst GM ever, Jesse Love Paymon’s GM Steve McIntyre traded awesome, long term talent for a guy with a concussion and a guy who can’t play more than 10 games without something breaking and a guy who sucks as a goalie on a shitty team.  It isn’t irony, it is just further evidence.

4.  Said GM Jesse Cook of the Bizzarohawks of the recent moves by JLP. “They should be required to change their name, as neither myself or Paymon should be associated with that train wreck of a team.”

5.  I chuckled when I heard that.

6.  Sean Stock is co-GMing Super Sperm.  So far, I have heard nothing from him.  I can only imagine it is because he is panicking after getting his cock stuck in Schauble’s ear.

7.  Just kidding Sean Stock, I love you.  No I don’t, go fuck yourself.  Steve says you suck as a commissioner.

8.  His words, not mine.

9.  Both Anzoolander and Captain Chinese are suffering from goaltender malaise in St. Louis.  This is actually a big deal for both, because both have a pretty decent team (except for Captain Chinese) and the lack of two quality goaltenders may hurt their chances at making the playoffs.  I expect one of the two to come back and be a stud during the playoffs, but in the meantime, to ensure they actually made the playoffs and had a shot at the Anze Cup (moment of silence, holy angels sound), they should have shored up that position in the short term.   Both were offered Jake Allen, and both passed.  Jake Allen just got a shutout.  Somewhere, GM Court Watson is chuckling.

10.  Still chuckling.

11.  GM Cole Ballard made a move that just boggles me.  I am too lazy to look up his spelling, so I will just go by my nickname for him, but Paved Vag, the goalie for the Atlanta Thrashers, is just awful.

12.  The fact it took so long for GM Matt Meier to even agree to that trade shows why he is last.

13.  This might not be the year for Flowers of the Cage, just like every year.  Then again, it might be.  I am rooting for this team.

14.  Kanucks absolutely trade raped Jesse Loves Paymon.  I could not be more bullish on this team.  The trade rape is even better because GM Dave Kitchen is a crossfit trainer, so you know he is gay, which means he enjoyed raping his brother in law on multiple levels.

15.  See my advanced breakdown of the trade here:

16.  Chris Kunitz is either right behind Steven Stamkos or tied with him for most goals scored.  Kids, this is a perfect example of not selling high and trading him to preserve your team long term.  Take note.

17.  In all seriousness, for fucks sakes Dr. Hook, do something to be a fantasy team with more than two players.

18.  It is amazing the number of people who would rather have a first round draft pick, which is technically the seventh round, versus guarantee a top 3 player on their team.

19.  No wonder one team has four championships.

20.  Remember that time when Bizzarohawks Scott Freeland ripped into me for making fun of him trading Brian Elliot, and then Elliot almost won the Vezina the next year?

21.  Good times.

22.  The first side bet of the league was made a few weeks ago; where Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson and Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble put 20 down on who would have more points by season end (barring injury); Jeff Carter or Brad Boyes.  This stems from a trade offer, where Brad Boyes and a 4th rounder was offered for Carter and a 6th rounder, because lets be serious, neither is a keeper, unless you are Schauble and are really bad at fantasy hockey.

23.  Spoke to a couple of GMs who didn’t want to be named.  They said the two teams they are most scared of are Super Sperm and the Everett Silvertips.  Super Sperm because there is a chance that being clueless could pay off, Everett Silvertips because of  the depth and shrewdness of the GM.  All GMs laughed for an extended period of time when asked about Jesse Loves Paymon.

24.  That includes Steve McIntyre, who asked to be anonymous.

25.  The meal in first class was exceptional tonight.  Almost as good as the eleventy Crown and ginger ales.

26.  For a brief stint, Paul Bissonnette made it on a the roster of a team in this league.  In Anzoolander’s defense, he was on a point streak, but that quickly disappeared after GM Jesse Cook chirped “Biznasty” on twitter:

27.  If you are asking why Jesse would call himself Tom on Twitter, wouldn’t you if you were gay AND a Canucks fan?

28.  I am super annoyed at how many different radio stations play the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore.  All different genres.  They are ruining it.  Ruiners.

29.  I keep seeing everyone getting all excited about a defensemen getting forward eligibility for fantasy hockey.  Why?  Who wants to put a defensemen in a forward slot?  Is that really your best option?  Are people that bad at this?

30. Jesse Loves Paymon, Anzoolander, Me So Vyborney, Not Poodle!!, Dr. Hook, Pistol’s Hellcats; who are teams that will be golfing in three weeks.

Power Rankings: Week 16

I have never watched or attended an awards show that I wasn’t either a lock to win or a heavy favorite to win one of the biggest awards.  The last time that happened I was seven and the awards show was held at PJ’s All Star café.  That our society as a whole wastes so much time watching Hollywood celebrities, who are the modern day version of the monkeys on the street with the cymbals in hand, is just depressing. 

1.  Bizzarohawks (1)

2. Flower’s In the Cage (4)

3. Kanucks (7)

4. Everett Silvertips (6)

5. Anzoolander (5)

6.  Crosby’s Concussions (3)

7. Captain Chinese (12)

8.  Texans (8)

9.  Super Sperm (9)

10. Not Poodle!!! (2)

11.  Pistol’s Hellcats (11)

12. Dr. Hook (10)

13.  Me So Vyborny (14)

14. Jesse Loves Paymon (13)

Some thoughts:

1.  Jesse Loves Paymon might be the worst fantasy hockey team I have ever seen.

2.  They are building quite a stable of defensemen, making sure some are filing active roster spots while on IR, because, you know, that is what great teams usually do.

3.  Since the draft of the 2009-10 season, when GM Steve McIntyre wished he could redraft (and then subsequently won that year’s Anze Cup), Jesse Loves Paymon has made a total of 21 moves and rapidly descended into shit.  Meanwhile, the Everett Silvertips have made 95 and appear to be a dynasty in the making.  This further shows that GM Steve McIntyre knows almost nothing about fantasy hockey beyond perfunctory actions and his Anze Cup title was a fluke.

4.  Jesse Loves Paymon is entertaining all offers.  I have a feeling, given how little this team has to offer, blow jibbers from the GM are on the table as well.  On Mondays, GM Steve McIntyre gives them for free.

5.  Today is Monday.

6.  Speaking of few moves and an awful team, go fuck yourself Fatty.

7.  It killed me to put Captain Chinese at 7.  That means 7 of you are currently worse than a team run by a moron.  Shape up.

8.  I just know this year Captain Chinese will somehow win, and I will spend the offseason figuring out what the hell else could go wrong with this world.

9.  After trying out one Nashville Predators former backup, GM Cole Ballard traded for another one in Anders Lindback.  Keep throwing your line into the pond, eventually you will catch something better than a old gumboot.

10.  Have you ever seen Cole Ballard do an imitation of WDarrell Hammond imitating Sean Connery?  It is delightful.

11.  As NHL teams start rounding into form, so do the better teams in this league.  I imagine the playoff picture should be pretty set within the next couple of weeks.

12.  GM Court Watson is going to miss the Anze Cup.  That is, if he isn’t able to take it home for a second straight year.

13.  The Anze Cup has been well used this year.  So much in fact that it is rumored if you just fill it with water and let it sit over night, you will get drunk of that water the next day.

14.  Putting the Anze Cup is the dishwasher is a offense worthy of execution, for future reference.

15.  I am kinda excited to see GM Scott Freeland lead the Bizzarohawks to an Anze Cup; he puts in a good effort despite being all alone in hell Cleveland, with some critical spreadsheets rationalizing his moves, and I like to see that type of effort rewarded. 

16.  Plus, Scott has jam.

17.  Cory Conacher and Vladimir Tarasenko have slowed rapidly and are on two fantasy teams that suck with GMs that think they know what they are doing.  They don’t, and this is the perfect example why.

18.  Dr. Hook:  please read this and do something.  Anything.

19.  Sometimes it is fun to go back and look at old message boards and blog posts.  This week,  noticed that in 2010, Jesse Cook offered Dave Kitchen a 16th round in three years for Craig Anderson.  Man, how far Mr. Anderson has come.

20.  Then I look at the trades between Jesse and Bert Fong last year, and realize some of us have gotten dumber.

21.  The guy beside me on the plane just ordered a double vodka coke as his complimentary beverage.  Vodka is made from potatoes.  Potatoes are vegetables.  Vegetables are good for you.  You’re welcome.

22.  No seriously, it is 6:30 AM.  Hats off to this guy.

23.  Travel points are never worth the travel required to earn them.

24.  Unless they are convertible to lap dances at the Spearmint Rhino.

25.  Someone actually picked up the Khabibulin Wall.  I thought this league was better.

26.  I always weep a little inside when the real Wall, Brian Elliot, isn’t playing up to snuff.

27.  If you are asking how he got the nickname, he had 3 shutouts in one week for the Texans when playing Anzoolander a few years back.  Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook lost his shit and dropped his entire team for Blackhawks plugs, and proclaimed Brian Elliot as the greatest goaltender that ever lived.

28.  The Islanders are probably the best team in the East.  Brad Boyes is this year’s P.A. Parenteau; marginally above average, racking up points beside Jon Tavares, the best player in the league presently.

29.  Imagine if your oldest keeper was 22 and the best player in the league?  You would be sitting pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

30.  Finally, let the Jonathan Drouin sweepstakes begin!